To report this man trying to kiss me at the bus stop

[frangipanny]

I'm 35, waiting at the bus stop when a young man comes along and asks me about bus times, get into a conversation and I say I'm going home as I have 2 kids and he says he is an actor, he starts showing me his insta as my bus arrives, I say goodbye and he gets me in a kind of headlock and "kisses" me. I'm like "get the fuck off me" and run to get on the bus. Presumably there will be cctv. Naively I thought I was too old for this fucking shit.

my question was not victim blaming.
my message was deleted because i swore - how boring

I didn't perceive it as victim blaming.

Really though he was not someone I thought I thought I should be wary of at all!

🌸 Op, horrible thing to have happened

my message was deleted because i swore - how boring

Are you new here? You can fucking, blollocky swear on here.

blollocky or even actual swear words

i fucking thought so

meh, anyway, it is not about me, it is about the op.

Wtf possessed him? Did he seem drunk/high? I can't fathom what would cause a person to behave such a way.

You have done the right thing by reporting, OP.

Loo well some men just get off on it. I was once tailed for an hour by a lad wanting "just one kiss". It's about power. Nothing more. No need to assume drunkenness or being high.

How are you feeling now @frangipanny? Hope you're ok - I know it's shit after the adrenaline / fight or flight wears off and you start to wonder if you are making a fuss. You aren't! Hopefully you felt able to log it with the police

It's disgusting and you are right to report.
What I wonder though, with him saying he is an actor and has an Instagram, is there any chance this was some sort of stupid prank for a video?
I have quite a few young (think 18-23) nieces and nephews who have shared videos of hidden camera pranks. Stuff like a guy or girl will do something near to people they don't know whilst someone films it? With some of the daft/stupid/mean stuff and this attitude from some of trying to outdo each other to go viral, I wouldn't be that surprised.
Especially as he appeared totally normal, just a bit up himself until he grabbed you?
I hope the Police find him regardless, try really hard to remember his Instagram name as that will help.

I'm ok thanks, thank you for asking! I'm on my way to the station now, think I'll feel better once this bit is over and done with!

There's no way I can know his Instagram name as I didn't even look properly, he showed me his profile literally as the bus was coming so I was just humouring him like "oh that's nice!", I just wanted to get on the bus and go home! And then obviously the headlock came!

Anyway I've had a few "am I overreacting?" moments but I still feel genuinely unsettled by it and definitely think it should be on record and everyone's posts here have been really helpful.

Good luck op

And good for you!

Sorry this happened to you.

Def report. What a vile person :-(

Hi @frangipanny, are you in a town beginning with R? I ask because I had an encounter with a young man (I'm late 20s, he must be early 20s) that sounds similar, minus the headlock which sounds terrifying. He approached me in the street seemed normal but then starting saying he wanted to be my friend and got aggressive when I said I have to go. I have been umming and ahhing about whether to report him.

I’m just going to say this loudly because you keep musing on it.

YOU ARE NOT OVER REACTING. someone touched you in a way you did not invite or want. YOU ARE NOT OVER REACTING

Thank you for reporting. By doing this you are protecting others. Hope they will get him!

@frangianny I hope you didn't take from my comment that I felt you were overreacting, that wasn't my intention.

You’re not overreacting, he assaulted you

It’s a sexual assault , I would report as these offenders often escalate and go on to rape women .

Ah well done @frangipanny I'm proud of you. And I know it's horrid when that adrenaline goes and you think ugh was it really that bad or am I making a fuss? You absolutely aren't. Did the police treat you well and listen to you? Hope so

Just thought I'd let you know how it went at the police, they were very polite (aside from leaving me waiting outside the police station for 20 mins ) and said I did the right thing by reporting it but the officer was quite gently encouraging me not to take it any further. She said they could request cctv but it's unlikely they would identify him solely on that. I don't know how I feel about it really, I'm sure they're right but also isn't cctv erased after 30 days? And surely the footage would help if he did something like this again? I don't know, I feel like I should've been a bit more forthright in my wanting him to be found, but then also suspect she's probably right and I should just move on now.
Anyway I will have a think about things over the next few days. Thanks for all your supportive posts.

It's less about not wanting you to take it further and more about managing your expectations. CCTV is highly overrated and rarely results in the offender being found. You were really brave in how you dealt with the incident and even more so in going to the police but you did the right thing and you should be proud of yourself.

Well done op and hope you are ok even if nothing will come of it you’ve reported it and that helps all women by keeping the sexual offences figures up (never anywhere near the reality) and its so important we do this for funding and policing policy decisions etc.
Hugs to you. Crap isn’t it ?

Not very professional of her to try and put it back onto you. It's sexual assault.

Yep, cctv isn't quite as magical as it is sometimes perceived to be, but if no action is taken then they don't know that yet!

They also don't know what else he might do. And they shouldn't have put the decision onto you. (Managing your expectations vs pushing it onto you and pressuring you to be the one to drop it are two very different things.)

You were assaulted, and suggesting it's not worth investigating is a crap, inadequate response. No matter how nice she seemed.

I suspect from all your questions and remaining doubts that it will be easier for you to move forward if you know everything that could be done was done. Even if it ultimately goes nowhere.

Don't weigh it up based on not wanting to be pushy, weigh it up on how you will be able to find peace within yourself again. If it's going to keep bothering you and worrying you that is a perfectly justifiable reason.

Take care of yourself

Seems to me it is highly unlikely that this was an isolated incident. Chances are, he has done this or similar before. And will do it again.

Also, chances are, he will escalate. This time a forced kiss, next time a grope, the time after that.....

Report, report, report. A succession of similar reports will increase the liklihood that the police will allocate resources to investigating.