To stay In a mediocre marriage?

[withthatimout]

Married 24 years, adult dc. Quite honestly, I'm just bored. We have common interests, but I'm even bored of those. We work at the same place, so I see him all the time even though we don't actually work together. We rub along ok most of the time, we don't have massive rows or anything, but he gets on my nerves on a daily basis (I probably get on his too). It's not as if I even want anyone else, I just think I want to be on my own but I can't face the fall out of a divorce, splitting assets, selling the house etc. I just feel like I'm trapped.

Let the poor bugger go. He deserves better.

Sounds like you have a normal and pretty comfortable marriage. The grass is never greener.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like that? If not, and if you can’t see things improving, then it’s worth the awkwardness of divorce.

Is it worth trying to reconnect?

Are some of the daily annoying things issues you can talk about to remove?

Sounds like you could do with some time apart since you live and work together and have interest / hobbies in common. Do you have enough time to yourself / with other friends?

How about talking to him first before just going for a divorce? After 24 years, see how he feels and ask if he gets on your nerves, if he wants to try new things together etc.

You sound like you are bored of life in general and in a rut. COuld you take up new interests /activities - meet new people? I mean, you sound like you are bored whether you stay with him or not so maybe need to sort that out regardless of what you do with your marriage.

Are you sure you'd be less bored apart? It's understandable that you feel like this I mean you live together, you work together, the children are reared so you don't have them keeping you busy either. I suspect plenty of couples feel the same but I don't know that ending your marriage automatically means there's an alternate fun and exciting life waiting for you.

What do you do for enjoyment either yourself or as a couple? Are there other things you could do such as travel, classes you are interested in, groups you could join?

Currently in this boat.
Together 12 years, married for 4, DD is 1.

There is zero passion. We are brilliant as parents but i have none of 'those' feelings for him anymore.

I picture us getting separated every single day.

@BunsOfAnarchy

Again: let him go. He deserves better than a marriage which is a sham. So do you.

@ArfursSixpences

Im trying. Had a heart to heart with him last night.

Today it feels like it went in one ear and out the other.
I just want to be out if this.

I left after a 4 year marriage with 1 child. Honestly I couldn't bear us both feeling like this forever. life is better

You presumably promised in front of witnesses to love him for better or worse (or similar equivalent). Why would you not keep that promise without a serious reason to break it?

I do have a hobby and see friends most weeks for a coffee, I don't think it's life in general that I'm fed up with. I think we just see so much of each other that familiarity has bred contempt. Friends and family would be massively shocked if we announced a split, people see us as a solid couple.
Unfortunately if I picture a happy future for myself, I don't see him in it. It's just the thought of making that happen is a huge deal, especially in the absence of any abuse/affairs/unreasonable behaviour. People would ask why, and I just wouldn't be able to explain.

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda the op says she's been married for 24 years. Do you not think people or things change in that time?

I feel much better withoit my exH. The thought of staying with him for life made me want to jump off a cliff.

same madcatlady

Doyouremembertheinnmiranda yes, I did, and that's why I haven't filed for divorce or even mentioned to him how I feel. I'm just inwardly very unhappy and I don't think I can even explain why.

Could you get a new job? Perhaps being a bit more seperate would let you reinvigorate things

If people asked why, could you not just say you fell out of love? It happens.

Maybe marriage counselling might help. Not to fix things necessarily, just to open a line of communication and, if it is over, find some closure for both of you.

And I'd ask him to give marriage counselling a try. Firstly to see if it helps and secondly if you do decide to leave it wont be a huge shock out of the blue for your dh.

I am so happy now I left my crappy marriage. Thing is all you’ll look at is what you know you’re losing (familiarity, safety financial security etc) and you’ll never know the joy that could be out there for you. You will die only once. Leave him and find joy.

Hi OP
Would you be happy to remain single forever?
To be alienated from his family?
To financially manage on your own and deal with the drop in quality of life?
To see him hook up with a (maybe younger, prettier) other woman? Maybe get married to her and/or have more kids with her?
If the answer to all the above is yes, go right ahead.

DH and I work in the same field about six years ago we worked in the same office, doing different jobs but in the same larger department, with the same line manager! We saw each other every single day, when some organisational changes came in I got promoted, and opted to be based at a different office even though it was further from home (original office was walkable). We both still work in the same industry, but have had various promotions and secondments and haven't worked in the same team again. It's much better, you can spend too much time with someone.

@withthatimout you don't have to explain why or justify it to anyone, not even your husband. If you're unhappy and you want out, the only reason you need is that you are unhappy.

I'm not sure counselling would help. Isn't it for people who can't agree/compromise/need to change their behaviour? It's not like he does anything terrible and needs to change, I mean he isn't perfect and neither am I, he is a decent bloke.
I remember walking out of a service station about five years ago and seeing him standing there waiting for me, I felt a rush of love for him. I don't remember feeling that way ever since. Maybe it's just me?