To stay In a mediocre marriage?

[withthatimout]

Married 24 years, adult dc. Quite honestly, I'm just bored. We have common interests, but I'm even bored of those. We work at the same place, so I see him all the time even though we don't actually work together. We rub along ok most of the time, we don't have massive rows or anything, but he gets on my nerves on a daily basis (I probably get on his too). It's not as if I even want anyone else, I just think I want to be on my own but I can't face the fall out of a divorce, splitting assets, selling the house etc. I just feel like I'm trapped.

I would also suggest that you should talk to your husband about how you feel before jumping to divorce. You might be surprised - maybe he feels the same way as you. Maybe you two can find a way to rediscover the missing piece.

Counselling (both individual and couple) could benefit - at least it could open the lines of communication.

I'm also curious why you aren't pursuing other interests. Why would they be easier to do after divorcing?

I guess I could, but given that he hates his job and I don't, it seems silly for me to be the one moving.

Why? He is an adult and if he wants to stay in a job he hates for the security, that doesn't affect you. Its not a "one of us must leave" scenario - his decision to move jobs is independent to your's. Really, there is nothing stopping from both of you from moving jobs and trying something different.

How about looking for a new job? It won't solve your home issues but if you do split it will be a lot easier!

Menopause?
Try to find some time for you, maybe take a weekend away to think
Boredom will crush anyone.....eventually.
Please talk to hi. And tell hi how you feel, maybe it’s the same for him?

I wish you well x

Curiousier you say his decision doesn't affect me, but after being awake half the night trying to pinpoint what it is that's coming between us and affecting my feelings for him, his constant moaning about his job is top of the list. The best he can come up with is that he will quit (but with no plan to look for anything else)

God if he's moaning constantly about his job and not doing anything about it, it’s no wonder you are annoyed by him.

You do need to talk to him, could his constant moaning be the starting point?

OP. I could be totally wrong but you haven’t actually said that you are unhappy, just that you are bored. You seem to be very confused about everything at the moment and I wouldn’t make any decisions until you are clearer. I would definitely discuss this with him and a counsellor.

I have seen many marriages breakdown as one person has had enough as they feel like they require more from life, some excitement etc. Sadly they realise later that the grass wasn’t greener.

I am not discussing marriages where they no longer love each other, are terribly unhappy etc. I am totally for moving on. But there is something telling that you don’t know why you want to leave. Find out why first then you can move on.

Yes you're right I do need to talk to him. One of the dc is here for a few days at the moment so not got much time to ourselves. Will broach it next week.

What is stopping you from pursuing the interests you say you would go for if you ended the marriage? It sounds to me as if you need some time apart where you can concentrate on your own needs. Can you go away for a few days and do something absorbing?

And tell him you literally can’t listen for another day to him complaining about something he refuses to change. He either changes job or stops talking to you about it.

Witchtower maybe bored was the wrong word to use. Fed up? Had enough? It's hard to work out why I feel the way I do, all I know is that I look at him and at best feel nothing, at worst feel like I hate him. I didn't used to feel like that, and it saddens me.
As another pp has suggested, I am peri menopausal, is that relevant? I have questioned whether I am depressed and that's clouding my judgement, but as I'm fine when he's not around, that suggests my issue is with him.

@withthatimout I think your first step is discovering why you feel like this.

I felt the same way about an ex but I was a lot younger, no children and had been we’d only been together for 2 years. I finally left him when my grandfather passed. It made me realise life was too short.

I think if I was older and had invested a lot more into my relationship then I would try every route before leaving.

BUT after remembering my relationship with my ex it has made me realise why you wrote this post. You don’t have a valid reason to leave him and that’s why you’re staying, but yet you just don’t want him. It’s not your fault and it’s not his. You have my sympathies. It’s a really shitty place to be.

You say there are lots of interests I would like to pursue that I don't because of him Maybe there is your issue. Why is that, why can't you do other stuff?

I ask because we have also been together a similar time, and have lots of different interests and spend quite a bit of time apart. I think that helps. He can irritate me no end (and I'm pretty sure he feels the same!) but you can still love someone deep down and also be irritated by a situation. Maybe you need to change some things. I would not work together and live together, that would drive me mad. I would need space and time alone to do my own thing.

I don't think it's definite that your issue is with him - just that your peri and around him the most so he's the place to project the feelings onto

I'm also peri and suffering horribly from rage/heat/annoyance for NO actual reason apart from hormones - I can honestly say that yesterday when my dh did nothing wrong at all I could have actually thrown something at him

I'm not saying your marriage isn't over but I am saying you need to get whatever this crisis is dealt with. Get some hormones, make time for those different hobbies, tell muppet features he's allowed 3 minutes to bitch about work and then you're switching off.

To me this sounds like a midlife crisis.