To stay In a mediocre marriage?

[withthatimout]

Married 24 years, adult dc. Quite honestly, I'm just bored. We have common interests, but I'm even bored of those. We work at the same place, so I see him all the time even though we don't actually work together. We rub along ok most of the time, we don't have massive rows or anything, but he gets on my nerves on a daily basis (I probably get on his too). It's not as if I even want anyone else, I just think I want to be on my own but I can't face the fall out of a divorce, splitting assets, selling the house etc. I just feel like I'm trapped.

People would ask why, and I just wouldn't be able to explain

You.Dont.Need.To.

Today's most idiotic post award goes to @ChiaraRimini

If you're not even sure why you're unhappy it might be worth having some individual counselling before chucking the grenade. He doesn't even need to know initially if your more comfortable that way

Unfortunately if I picture a happy future for myself, I don't see him in it. It's just the thought of making that happen is a huge deal, especially in the absence of any abuse/affairs/unreasonable behaviour.

I understand completely, OP. I'm in the same boat, although with three much younger children. I don't have any advice to give, but know that you're not alone. I'm bored, but I don't know if boredom is a good enough reason to upend everything.

Chiararimini that's interesting. At the moment I think I could be happily single, in fact there are lots of interests I would like to pursue that I don't because of him, I think I would have a busy single life. As far as his family goes there is only his mum, and although I don't have a close relationship with her anyway, I think we would be able to stay friendly. The financial stability is definitely something that worries me, he earns much more than I do, has more savings, stands to inherit more, so my financial future would be far better with him. Is that a good enough reason to stay? I don't know. As for the thought of him marrying someone else...I can't say how I would feel. He has always said if anything happened to me or we split he wouldn't be interested in anyone else, we have been together since teens so the thought of dating fills him with dread he says.

Sorry if I was too blunt. I genuinely hadn't picked up on your deep unhappiness and I can see that does make things harder.

I get frustrated with the culture now prioritising immediate lovey dovey feelings and joy over quiet, calm faithfulness for years. And I appreciate feelings might have changed over 24 years, but that's why we make promises - if feelings didn't change we wouldn't need to promise faithfulness for life.

But deep unhappiness, even if its not clear why, does suggest there's more going on than just boredom, so I apologise for sounding flippant. But it's right not to want to throw away your life together on a vague feeling of discontent.

We've had quiet calm faithfulness for many years...I used to feel content, had no doubts that we would grow old together etc. I don't know where these feelings have come from really, they've crept up on me. I just realised the other day that he just annoys me every day. Little things that never used to bother me now make me want to scream. If he has to go away for a couple of days I rejoice, where once I'd have missed him. Even writing this down makes me feel so sad, he deserves better.

Maybe he's feeling the same way! I think you both need to talk. Nobody deserves to be unhappy.

I think he definitely deserves more out of a marriage, as do you.

Has he any idea you feel like this? Have you spoken about it ?

I’m near 20 and understand. I think you need to talk to him and I think one of you needs to change jobs. It sounds so claustrophobic and like you’re in the same environment together all the time. You need time apart.

I actually have no idea how people divorce. I probably feel worse than you do OP but divorce just isn't an option financially - how do people do it?

What age are you, OP, are you still quite young?

Maybe you should separate but you'd be stupid to just end it all without giving one another to chance to see if there's a good relationship still hidden away somewhere behind all the tedium.

And working in the same building cannot be helping!

OP
Sounds like you would cope financially so that's not a consideration
But re him meeting someone else. Despite him saying in earlier days he wouldn't want to, that's not necessarily what would happen now. Even if you don't find him attractive you'd be amazed how easy men in their 40s/later can find another woman willing to take them on, often a younger woman as well.
My ex is a narcissist, unattractive, hugely overweight, has skin problems, a failed marriage and 3 kids but still managed to get a girlfriend 10 years younger etc...

I don't think he has any idea I feel like this no. We have had our ups and downs in the past, I would say we have come close to breakdown maybe twice in the marriage. Each of those times though, I felt strongly that I wanted to stay married, and work our issues out. Now though, i just don't think I care anymore, I think I want out. We do need to talk, it just seems like such an uphill battle sorting the house out, telling the kids, finding new places to live.

I'm 48. I think I would cope financially, but I'd have to be careful with money and budget. Currently don't struggle with money and lucky enough to have enough for lovely holidays etc. That would change.

ChiaraRimin are you her husband?

It’s ok to want more.

I did, we did and separated after 15 years.

I think it was 100% the right decision.

Don’t worry about the repercussions- focus on what YOU want

At the moment I think I could be happily single, in fact there are lots of interests I would like to pursue that I don't because of him

Why is this though OP? If your children are grown, what's stopping you from doing whatever you like in your free time?

Couples can do things independently, travel separately, do whatever they want.

You do know you’re young don’t you!!??

I can only suggest individual therapy.

As another poster suggested, could you or your H get a job somewhere else?

Dh and I work together in our own business, so we spend a lot of time together. Thankfully he is out of the office and away over night, on his own, at least once a week. We also travel together at least once a month for a couple of days, which helps things very much.
If we were working together 5 days a week, 9-5 I just know we would end up being very, very bored of each other.

Been trying to talk him into moving jobs for a while, he hates his job but seems to be intent on sticking it out until retirement. I think moving would make him happier (he moans constantly about work) and our relationship would improve as we wouldn't be in each other's pockets.

Can't you move jobs, instead of him?

@Fiveredbricks

Of course, the OP doesn’t have to do anything, but to leave a marriage of 24 years without even explaining her reasons to her husband would be an incredibly shitty thing to do.

Butteredghost I guess I could, but given that he hates his job and I don't, it seems silly for me to be the one moving.