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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL cut DSs hair

69 replies

mamasbabybear · 18/05/2019 17:14

My DS is 20 months and had lovely brown wavy-curls that reached a little past his shoulder so he frequently got mistaken for a little girl.

His father is a bit of a deadbeat and doesn't bother reaching out to see his son (last time he saw him was his 1st birthday and then he moved hours across the country) but his parents (MIL especially) are involved in DSs life and although I do live around 45mins drive away I find the time to come up and visit them a couple of times a month. DS has never stayed with them overnight but last week a friend of mine invited me out for a few days away and I gladly accepted as PIL immediately said they'd look after DS while I was away.

Got back yesterday night and picked up DS from PILs and was horrified to find FIL had chopped all of DSs hair off and given him a buzz cut. I may have overreacted a bit last night with the stress of travelling and gone off at both of them and FIL said "it's a proper lad's haircut" and "do you want him to grow up to be a fairy? (homosexual)" and MIL was just silent about the whole thing but was clearly defending FIL. Left then with crying DS and said they wouldn't be seeing him again.

MIL has now messaged me this morning saying I was completely overreacting and that his hair needed a cut and I couldn't just take away their rights to see him (they have no legal rights, neither does his father I have full custody) and I've just ignored them.

AIBU? I didn't heavily depend on their support at all but I was happy to know they were there if I needed them and that DS had grandparents but I don't want him growing up with the comments FIL makes (he's extremely homophobic and anything remotely pink or girly on a boy makes him think they'll grow up to be gay) Around February DS had a pink woolly jumper on and FIL said something along the lines of "what's he wearing that for" and another time when I've brought along DSs baby doll. MIL doesn't give a damn about that stuff but she is homophobic as she scoffs at gay men kissing on television etc.

I feel quite ridiculous as it's just hair but they've taken a massive piece of my trust.

OP posts:
DroningOn · 18/05/2019 17:15

No contact for a while and text to explain exactly why.

pikapikachu · 18/05/2019 17:16

I'd restrict contact based on the homophobia alone. I am NC with my mum and her racist and homophobic views is a major thing that I don't want my kids tainted with.

Teddybear45 · 18/05/2019 17:17

Honestly he’s better off without them. Just ignore

MorningRichie · 18/05/2019 17:17

The poor little lad doesn't need poisonous old bastards in his life.

You've done the right thing.

dementedpixie · 18/05/2019 17:18

Yeah, because haircuts cause boys to become gay Hmm. I don't blame you for being annoyed, I would be too as it wasn't his place to do anything to his hair without your permission

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/05/2019 17:19

Definitely unacceptable to cut his hair, but you can potentially deal with that by putting in firm boundaries. The homophobia is who they are. I don’t think you can fix that. It’s not something I’d want my child hearing, especially if I wasn’t there to correct it.

They don’t have rights to see him now, but potentially they could apply to a court. The fact that they have seen him regularly would help them.

Your son probably would benefit from some relationship with someone in his paternal family, even if flawed. I would be torn on what to do.

Summerorjustmaybe · 18/05/2019 17:19

Tell them you hope they kept a piece as that's all they have now...
Awful people for more than the haircut.
Yanbu to block them all.

LagunaBubbles · 18/05/2019 17:21

It's not "just hair", it's massively overstepping boundaries, and that's before you even take the pathetic reasoning for it! I'm furious on your behalf, pair of homophobic half wits wouldn't be anywhere near a child of mine now. And I say that as someone who is always keen to promote the importance of GPS in children's lives.

pigsDOfly · 18/05/2019 17:21

Nope, you didn't over react imo. I'd have been furious.

FIL sounds pretty unpleasant anyway, so that in itself is something I wouldn't want my child to be around, although mine are all adults now.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 18/05/2019 17:23

Do you have any evidence of homophobic views? You might need it in court if they apply for access.

I'd be livid too.

DartmoorDoughnut · 18/05/2019 17:24

Bye bye exILs

Sexnotgender · 18/05/2019 17:24

You didn’t overreact. Their ridiculous views have no place in modern society and your son doesn’t need them poisoning his mind.

His hair will grow back, it’s more their ridiculous views that are the issue.

LagunaBubbles · 18/05/2019 17:24

Your son probably would benefit from some relationship with someone in his paternal family, even if flawed

Homophobia isn't a "flaw", its toxic. It would never be beneficial ever to have people with these views in a child's life.

Confusedbeetle · 18/05/2019 17:24

Well the problem here is twofold, they had no business cutting his hair, all mothers would be upset, but thats not the end of the world. The homophobia is unacceptable and they should keep their opinions private. I would cut them off about this but I would make it clear they have no right to cut his hair, and you find homophobia offensive. There is no such thing as grandparents rights. All grandparents should understand it hinges on the relationship with the mother. Some of the posts are a bit extreme. Think about your relationship with them and whether it is worth keeping or not. Your call, not just based on this event

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 18/05/2019 17:24

I think I'd say until you accept that my son's appearance is my responsibility and choice and mine alone, and you do not change anything - hair, clothes, toys - without my Express permission, you do not see him. And if you do accept that and see him again, if I hear (or hear of) one more homophobic remark or comment, that will be the last time you see him. I would like you to have a relationship with him, but you dont have an automatic right to this and certainly dont have a right to undermine my parenting decisions. The ball is in your court

IggyAce · 18/05/2019 17:25

I would be extremely upset about the hair cut, my ds had similar length hair at that age. However I would go NC for a while if not permanently for the homophobic comments, your son doesn’t need to be around people with those views.

Owwlie · 18/05/2019 17:28

YANBU at all OP. It's a massive overstepping of boundaries.

I wouldn't be letting them have him alone again. Supervised visits only. And every single time either of them makes a homophobic comment I would say something to them. If any were made implying you are 'making' DS gay I would end the visit immediately and explain why. That's not acceptable at all.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 18/05/2019 17:31

It’s not just the homophobia though. They chose to do something significant to your child without permission, and something they probably knew you’d say no to.
They can’t be trusted. This time it’s just a haircut. And homophobia he’s too young to comprehend.
Next time it could be something much worse. My BIL hated car seats as they marked the leather seats. What if he develops allergies or needs meds?
I’d certainly stop contact for a year or too, then think about whether I wanted them in his and my life.

Bluerussian · 18/05/2019 17:31

He had no right to do that.

Merryoldgoat · 18/05/2019 17:33

My MIL trimmed my DS’s fringe very badly at the same age but we dealt with it amicably although I was annoyed.

A buzz cut would’ve made me livid and the homophobia is entirely unacceptable.

For that reason alone I’d stop any unsupervised contact.

Their attitude seems unpleasant as well and it will just be fighting all the time as he gets older.

Fiveredbricks · 18/05/2019 17:33

Tell them to fuck off, frankly. They have no rights. They cut his hair without your permission. They raised a c*nt too, by the sounds of it so either way I wouldn't want them around my child anyway.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 18/05/2019 17:34

Absolutely zero right to do that and I would be like you, beyond upset if someone ever took it upon themselves to do that to my DS.

I'd want to phase them out completely if they are homophobic or anything similar, but I would probably keep the peace a little by visiting occasionally and supervising.

user1471590586 · 18/05/2019 17:34

Keep a diary of any incidents such as the hair cut and homophobic comments in case they go to court. That way you can show what a negative influence they would be.

Honeybee85 · 18/05/2019 17:36

Their behaviour is disgusting.
Imposing their ancient and dangerous view on others plus cutting your sons hair without even so much as asking you? WTF.

I am not sure if I would go NC permanently but I definetly would cut them off for a while and no longer facilitate unsupervised visits.

And your ex MIL is a stupid cow for sending you such a text. How dare she. Any decent human being would have texted or called to apologise, even if they didnt mean it. What she did proves how convinced she is of her right to overstep boundaries.

Crazycat16 · 18/05/2019 17:38

YANBU! The homophobia is bad enough but cutting his hair is unforgivable. FIL sounds like a twat & MIL is no better.

You didn’t give consent to a haircut, isn’t it technically assault to cut someone’s hair without consent? Vaguely remember a newspaper article about this but was a few years ago.