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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL cut DSs hair

69 replies

mamasbabybear · 18/05/2019 17:14

My DS is 20 months and had lovely brown wavy-curls that reached a little past his shoulder so he frequently got mistaken for a little girl.

His father is a bit of a deadbeat and doesn't bother reaching out to see his son (last time he saw him was his 1st birthday and then he moved hours across the country) but his parents (MIL especially) are involved in DSs life and although I do live around 45mins drive away I find the time to come up and visit them a couple of times a month. DS has never stayed with them overnight but last week a friend of mine invited me out for a few days away and I gladly accepted as PIL immediately said they'd look after DS while I was away.

Got back yesterday night and picked up DS from PILs and was horrified to find FIL had chopped all of DSs hair off and given him a buzz cut. I may have overreacted a bit last night with the stress of travelling and gone off at both of them and FIL said "it's a proper lad's haircut" and "do you want him to grow up to be a fairy? (homosexual)" and MIL was just silent about the whole thing but was clearly defending FIL. Left then with crying DS and said they wouldn't be seeing him again.

MIL has now messaged me this morning saying I was completely overreacting and that his hair needed a cut and I couldn't just take away their rights to see him (they have no legal rights, neither does his father I have full custody) and I've just ignored them.

AIBU? I didn't heavily depend on their support at all but I was happy to know they were there if I needed them and that DS had grandparents but I don't want him growing up with the comments FIL makes (he's extremely homophobic and anything remotely pink or girly on a boy makes him think they'll grow up to be gay) Around February DS had a pink woolly jumper on and FIL said something along the lines of "what's he wearing that for" and another time when I've brought along DSs baby doll. MIL doesn't give a damn about that stuff but she is homophobic as she scoffs at gay men kissing on television etc.

I feel quite ridiculous as it's just hair but they've taken a massive piece of my trust.

OP posts:

BlueMerchant · 18/05/2019 17:40

I'd explain in a frosty manner about boundaries and how they had overstepped the mark in a huge way and make it known that any more issues and you won't be visiting again. I think it's the perfect opportunity to mention the homophobic attitude and how you do not want their comments around your son.
However it will be good for your son to have a relationship with his grandparents and he can choose if he wants to maintain this when he is older. It's also good for you to have some support as they obviously love and enjoy having him.

Cottonwoolmouth · 18/05/2019 17:40

Oh I think I would have self combusted. This is shocking

lyralalala · 18/05/2019 17:40

I couldn't just take away their rights to see him (they have no legal rights, neither does his father I have full custody)

They sound ridiculous, but you don’t have rights either, you have responsibilities. Your child has all the rights.

Grandparents who have played an active part in a child’s life can go to court to ask permission to seek access. It’s not common but it is possible.

Make sure you keep yourself right legally. I wouldn’t offer unsupervised access as they can’t be trusted but if your DS benefits from them being in his life then supervised access is an option.

Dippypippy1980 · 18/05/2019 17:40

What horrible people. While yes a haircut on its own it annoying, but not the end of the world, it’s what is signifies.

They have no respect for you as a parent and just want to impose their horrible views on to your son.

A calm letter explaining how they crossed a line and how their homophobia is a major concern for you. You don’t want your son to grow up with this influence. Also you want to show him how important it is to reject these opinions and stand up for what you believe in.

As others have said, keep records of everything

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/05/2019 17:42

If you do reply, I would point out that they did not have permission to cut the hair and you have decided not to take legal action against them as it is technically ABH (case:Smith 2006). That they have abused your trust and since they have shown no remorse you aren't in a position right now to trust them with your son. That you may be open to supervised contact but you need time to decide how best to move forward.

NoSauce · 18/05/2019 17:43

I would have gone berserk.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/05/2019 17:44

I would do exactly the same as you.
You are not over-reacting, they have taken something from your DS without his or your permission, and they had no right to.

Trust = gone.
Contact = limited to none, and no overnights.

You are right, they have NO rights. Fuck them - how dare they do that!

sheshootssheimplores · 18/05/2019 17:46

I do think extended family can enrich a child’s life, so I think it might be a good idea to let the heat go out of the situation and then think whether you think they are bringing joy to your son’s life.

I totally understand the anger for both the bigotry and the total lack of boundaries. All you can do is make it clear that their behaviour is unacceptable and go from there. Perhaps it will force their son to try and push for access himself. Unfortunately if he got court ordered access you wouldn’t be able to stop him allowing his parents to see him.

Minai · 18/05/2019 17:46

Yanbu. I would be really annoyed about the hair. Not their place at all. The homophobic comments would make me go very low contact. I wouldn’t want my son growing up around people that think making comments like that is acceptable.

Jammysod · 18/05/2019 17:47

Nope. I'd be done with them too.
They have massively overstepped boundaries, but the homophobia would be enough for me to walk away.

youarenotkiddingme · 18/05/2019 17:48

I would text back

"How can I trust ds is safe in your care when you cant grasp basic biology and believe long hair and pink clothes can make a child become a homosexual?"

Put the ball in their court.

They then having nothing to argue against as you've given them nothing to prove you wrong over. They have to do the leg work.

IncrediblySadToo · 18/05/2019 17:50

I wouldn’t have been making the effort to see them anyway given their homophonic views. I’d have allowed them to visit him at my house, but on a warning.

I wouldn’t have been responsible for my language or actions over his hair. They’re not even sorry.

...but the minute she mentioned rights she just closed the door for good. No way would she be seeing my kids. No way. Apart from anything else, the law is getting softer around grandparents rights and I would not be giving her any more substance to a future claim (regular visits and over night care).

Block them, move on with your life.

LakieLady · 18/05/2019 17:50

Wow, they have no boundaries and are homophobes to boot.

I wouldn't want them in my child's life, even if they are blood relatives.

IncrediblySadToo · 18/05/2019 17:53

I’d close them down with a text.

‘YOU do not have any rights. You had the privilege of me bringing x up to visit you. You have lost that privilege by way over stepping the mark and that’s that. I will not be bringing x up to visit. That is MY right’

ZoeWashburne · 18/05/2019 17:55

No point in arguing with them. They will keep doubling down and think what they did was right. The best thing you can do is just ignore them. They are spoiling for a fight and want to wear you down. Just block and ignore.

They are absolutely awful. And it would be a long, long time before I would let either of them have contact with my son again. Why would you want your son to be exposed to such hateful bigotry. What happens if your son is LGTBQ+ and internalises all of these hateful statements. Bigotry is toxic.

I would just ignore them for a long period of time. Put them out of your mind and certainly never have your child be over their unsupervised.

remember: they CHOSE to do this. You are not doing anything to them- they did this because they do not respect your boundaries or how you are raising your child. That is toxic.

Throckmorton · 18/05/2019 17:55

Why would it benefit your son to have such bigots in his life?

Yabbers · 18/05/2019 17:56

They sound ridiculous, but you don’t have rights either, you have responsibilities. Your child has all the rights.
That old trope. Of course parents have rights when it comes to their children. There are some areas which are about your responsibility to your child rather than your rights over your child but it is completely wrong to say parents have no rights. E.g, you have a right to see your child’s school or medical records. You have the right to refuse treatment (except in exceptional circumstances) You absolutely have the right to have your sons hair long if you want to.

CoffeeChocs · 18/05/2019 17:58

Homophobia isn't a "flaw", its toxic. It would never be beneficial ever to have people with these views in a child's life.

^This

They have no rights. Just block and ignore them and be grateful your son never has people like that in his life.

Don't even bother replying. Why fan the flames.

IsAStormApporaching · 18/05/2019 17:59

IncrediblySadToo's text is perfect.
I would be protecting my son from their nasty views

Sculpin · 18/05/2019 17:59

I would be furious about this. I would probably give them one more chance before cutting ties though.

Rabblemum · 18/05/2019 18:01

Cutting a child’s hair without your permission is wrong.

How much do you and your son need this man? Talk to your son about this haircut. Is your father in law homophobic in front of your son? If your son is ok with his new cut?

If your son is happy with his hair maybe allow supervised contact, if there was any force involved you FIL needs to leave your lives as soon as possible.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/05/2019 18:06

No contact OP ...block delete and leave them to stew....they have displayed awful behaviour and they had no right to do anything of the sort....cut them stone dead .they sound not such good role models for your son to have anyway....

NauseousMum · 18/05/2019 18:06

They cant be trusted. Who knows what else they'll disagree with you on and do to your ds. Thats the crux of it. The fact they are homophobic just adds to it.

No contact for a while with a text clearly stating they cant be trusted and get the homophobic words on the text too so you have them in writing. Then supervised contact later if you want.

PanamaPattie · 18/05/2019 18:08

Cut the toxic twats out of your lives. Don’t see them again. They won’t change and you need to protect your son.

Leeds2 · 18/05/2019 18:08

I would ignore the text.

And I wouldn't be taking DS round there again.

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