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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL cut DSs hair

69 replies

mamasbabybear · 18/05/2019 17:14

My DS is 20 months and had lovely brown wavy-curls that reached a little past his shoulder so he frequently got mistaken for a little girl.

His father is a bit of a deadbeat and doesn't bother reaching out to see his son (last time he saw him was his 1st birthday and then he moved hours across the country) but his parents (MIL especially) are involved in DSs life and although I do live around 45mins drive away I find the time to come up and visit them a couple of times a month. DS has never stayed with them overnight but last week a friend of mine invited me out for a few days away and I gladly accepted as PIL immediately said they'd look after DS while I was away.

Got back yesterday night and picked up DS from PILs and was horrified to find FIL had chopped all of DSs hair off and given him a buzz cut. I may have overreacted a bit last night with the stress of travelling and gone off at both of them and FIL said "it's a proper lad's haircut" and "do you want him to grow up to be a fairy? (homosexual)" and MIL was just silent about the whole thing but was clearly defending FIL. Left then with crying DS and said they wouldn't be seeing him again.

MIL has now messaged me this morning saying I was completely overreacting and that his hair needed a cut and I couldn't just take away their rights to see him (they have no legal rights, neither does his father I have full custody) and I've just ignored them.

AIBU? I didn't heavily depend on their support at all but I was happy to know they were there if I needed them and that DS had grandparents but I don't want him growing up with the comments FIL makes (he's extremely homophobic and anything remotely pink or girly on a boy makes him think they'll grow up to be gay) Around February DS had a pink woolly jumper on and FIL said something along the lines of "what's he wearing that for" and another time when I've brought along DSs baby doll. MIL doesn't give a damn about that stuff but she is homophobic as she scoffs at gay men kissing on television etc.

I feel quite ridiculous as it's just hair but they've taken a massive piece of my trust.

OP posts:

INeedAFlerken · 18/05/2019 18:08

I would have cut off contact solely on the homophobia as I wouldn't want my child thinking it was wrong. Hatred is taught, and they were actively teaching him to hate.

The haircut is a complete violation of boundaries, not their call, not their right, not their decision, and I don't blame you for taking a huge step back for that alone. But WITh the homophobia? I'd go NC ... or make it clear they'd only be seeing him on his dad's time, knowing he isn't having any there.

simplekindoflife · 18/05/2019 18:12

How dare they?! I'd be furious!

That being said, as his dad is not a big part of his life, I'd be wary about cutting more family members out. Family is important to children and you might need their support one day.

This is your time to lay down the law. Send them a text explaining why you're angry and tell that you will give them one last chance, but you will not accept them overstepping the boundaries or any toxic comments again.

BookwormMe2 · 18/05/2019 18:14

Your son is young enough not to miss them if you go NC now, so just do it. I wouldn't want such blatant homophobes to have any input in raising my child, not to mention the fact they've massively disrespected you as his mother by giving your son a haircut without asking first.

DeeCeeCherry · 18/05/2019 18:18

It's not "just hair", it's massively overstepping boundaries, and that's before you even take the pathetic reasoning for it!

This ^

Just that whole thing of 'I'll do what I want, never mind what she says'. Get to fuck, you had your time raising your own kids as you wanted, don't come here with your controlling attitude re my child. That's what would be in my mind.

Sockworkshop · 18/05/2019 18:20

Block and ignore.
Also take a picture of your sons hair so that you have evidence should they apply for contact.

Isthisafreename · 18/05/2019 18:25

@Crazycat16 - The homophobia is bad enough but cutting his hair is unforgivable

Your thinking is very skewed if you think cutting his hair is worse than expressing homophobic views in front of a child! And I say that as someone who would have reacted very strongly if my ils cut one of my dc's hair.

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 18/05/2019 18:30

My blood is boiling on your behalf. They don’t respect you or the decisions you make about your child. How dare they think they have the right to do that to him?!

The haircut on its own would be enough for me to rethink the sort of contact they have with my child. Add the homophobia on top of that and it would be game over for me. I would tell them that in crystal clear terms too.

Acis · 18/05/2019 18:32

Either ignore your MiL or reply saying they had no rights, only what you were prepared to allow as a matter of goodwill, and they have just chosen to sacrifice that.

Treacletoots · 18/05/2019 18:35

I would go fucking batshit at anyone who even thought they could cut my DDs hair.

Add to the mix their homophobia...

No thank you. Tell them to fuck right off.

Hecateh · 18/05/2019 19:40

I'm sure cutting his hair without your permission is assault.

I would, if you can afford it, get a solicitor's letter to them about assaulting your child.

I suspect they will back off very quickly

qazxc · 18/05/2019 19:52

So their homophobia caused them to give your child a buzz cut without your permission.
They are arseholes.
Don't bring him to see them anymore, I'd wager they won't bother making the journey themselves.

ColchesterElderly · 18/05/2019 19:55

NC for ever just for the homophobia. Let alone for the cutting of the hair! I would be livid if they did that to my child, for so many reasons they were showing you who’s boss.

Crazycat16 · 18/05/2019 19:55

@isthisafreename

Meant, due to the fact that op still took DS to visit PILs despite their previous homophobic comments, that the haircut should be - in this relationship-the final straw NOT that I think homophobic comments are forgivable in the first place. Poorly phrased I agree, it makes it look like I think homophobic comments are forgivable/acceptable. I don’t. So, apologies for my poor wording.

Cryalot2 · 18/05/2019 20:09

What a cheek . How dare they cut your child's hair without your permission.
They need to apologise big time if you are going to allow them to see their grandson again.
Hugs to you.

Namechangedzzz · 18/05/2019 20:37

They know they were undermining you and they don't see anything wrong with that. It will happen, in other ways, again and again if they have the opportunity.

Unfortunately not every family relationship is a good one. Some people are not good influences on young impressionable minds and it sounds like they cannot (and don't want to) keep their homophobic views from spilling out

TantricTwist · 18/05/2019 21:04

YANBU

I would cut off all contact as I would not my DC any where near those 2.

God knows what they will say or do in the future to your DS when you're not around.

SavingSpaces2019 · 18/05/2019 21:08

i'm surprised you let your homophobic fil near your dc in the first place.
i'm not surprised he took advantage the first opportunity he got - he sounds like a dick.

I wouldn't be maintaining contact with them.
If they decide to apply to court to get access they could use any regular contact as evidence of having built a relationship with your dc.

Summerorjustmaybe · 18/05/2019 21:16

If they ask for pics, send some of ds with a doll!! If they are so offended they won't want to see him will they?

Damntheman · 19/05/2019 08:06

I wouldn't even think twice about cutting these toxic people out. The hair cutting is bad enough, they clearly cannot be trusted. The homophobia is awful and I would not have my child around that ever.

Ignore the text and keel records and screen shots of all future communication. Refuse to answer phone calls so it'll have to be sent in text form for records.

Don't ever let these awful people be around your child again!

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