To ask if you lost your mum as a teenager

[parrotisland]

And how it has impacted you now?

I am approaching 40 and I can honestly say it's - not quite ruined my life, but made my life go in a different direction.

Not sure if it's just me or if it's the same for everybody.

Same for me, although I was not quite 7 when it happened. Especially since one-parent families were rare at the time, it made me a misfit.

I was 14, nearly 15, she had been ill since I was 12. I've just turned 40.

I still think I wish I could talk to Mum about that, I wish I knew if she would be proud of me or just I wish Mum was here.

It hasn't ruined my life but it has certainly spoilt it

My grief was immense but back then (1979) there was no support so you just got on with it and I had a really rocky time of it.

I'm happily married with a lovely DD but there's an enduring sadness not just over what I missed but what mum missed out on. She was 45 so much younger than I am now.

My sister is much more resilient than me.

I was a bit later - I was 23. It made a massive difference to my life.
I still miss her and think of her every day. I'd taken a part time job in a supermarket after college so I could look after her and it sometimes upsets me that when she died I hadn't really achieved anything in life. I haven't got married or had kids, through circumstance, and often wonder what she would have thought. After she died I spent several years in a relationship that wasn't right for me, and which shaped the direction my life went in after that, and I don't think I would have done that if she was still around.

On the positive side, looking after her when she was terminally ill was the making of me. I was a quiet, shy kid when I was young, and having to deal with chemo, hospitals, hospices, funerals, probate etc made me grow up fast. I am a completely different person to the one she left, and hope she would be proud of me.

i was 18. it didn't ruin my life, just changed it. she had been very ill so I was "ready" for it, but it was a very hard time. I do wonder how different my life would have been if she had not died.

I was 14 when I lost my mum suddenly. It has definitely had a lasting negative impact on my life, as she was my only living parent (Dad died when I was even younger). I feel like my personality and confidence has changed as a result, she was the only person who truly understood me (apart from my now husband). I’m in my early 30s. I have a lot of issues towards the family that took care of me in the years following and even now.

My mum died when I was 15. I don’t think it has ruined my life but it makes me sad that I feel like it has defined my life to a certain extent. It’s hard when you’re a teenager, it makes you stand out amongst your peers at a time when you feel like you want to blend in and disappear. It still makes people act awkwardly around me now when they find out. I think it made me have my children quite young (3 before 30) because I needed to feel really part of a family again but it’s hard when you’re a mum without a mum. That being said I guess my life on paper looks successful and nice and to a large extent it really is, but the sadness over what could have been and what should would think and say is sometimes overwhelming even almost 17 years later.

*she would think not should

Not the same, but I lost my dad as a teenager and it had a massive, massive impact on my life. No counselling during his illness or afterwards, straight back to school and expected to get on with things. 30 years on and I still think I haven't got over it properly, and I do have a bit of bitterness with my DM about that but guess she was dealing with her own grief at the time.

I was 19 when I lost my mum. She’d been terminally ill for a year and a half. My father died five years earlier. After a few months I took the huge decision to move out of my home town, getting away from the grief and an abusive boyfriend and drugs scene but also leaving friends and social support. One big change sort of opened the door to other big changes.

I did alright on my own. I got a job and went to uni. But I didn’t get close to anybody for several years. I think the whole experience made me more of a survivor than someone who will ever really thrive in life.

My mum died 21 years ago when I was 18, she had cancer, we knew it was coming for about a year. I think it effects me in soooo many ways. I feel I never knew her as a person rather than just my mum. I don't think people really understand how life changing it is. As a 18 yr old is basically an adult, it's not like if you were a kid. My dad died a couple of years ago too, so now I'm an orphan

Not quite what you asked but I lost my dad when I was 10, he had a brain tumour which just robbed us of him horribly. It really does affect you and I dont think enough notice is given to the extra effects of the death of a parent when you are so young. Its not easy at any age but its complex grief when you are still becoming a person yourself.
I was ok as a child when it happened but I had just buried it and only as I got older did I feel the effects of so many years without him. He was such a fun hands on dad which was rare in those days, and he worked so bloody hard to provide for his family.
My heart goes out to all of you in similar situations.

I lost my mum when I was 8. It seems like a shadow is cast over everything. My children’s births, wedding and divorce. I feel it had a huge impact on me as a person and parent. When I was younger I never got any support but I sister did as she misbehaved. I read a great by Hope Edelman called Motherless daughters a recommended read. I dip in and out of it all the time.

My sil did ( she was a young teen) and someone i was friends with years ago was 13 when her mum died.
I was 45 when my mum died and it was totally different for me than those two above because of age and circumstances and everything else. My mum was 85 as well.

It made those two much better people i think - harder and less likely to get upset about the small things in life. Sometimes you miss the deceased more as you age than you did at the time as well, i know my own dh misses his sister 3 years on, its as if it didnt hit him at the time and he couldnt process it till years later.

@iluvnettletea

My mum’s mum died when she was 18, her dad had died 5 years earlier

I can only comment on this as a child of a parent who lost both their parents young and I think it’s made my mum incredibly independent yet incredibly vulnerable at the same time.

She’s almost 70 now and still you can see the hurt etched on her face when she talks about that time. Both deaths were very unexpected and shocked her to the core.

She has passed this fierce independence on to me. She has always told me to stand on my own two feet (she’s always there for me too! She’s wonderful) and expect the unexpected.

It’s definitely shaped her whole outlook on life

I was 17 when my mum died. I think that my life would have been very different had she not died, but not necessarily better. I miss her, but to me it was never such a huge deal - probably because the main impact she had on my life for years was her illness. We were very close when I was little and when she was still well (or better at least - there were MH issues as well as some alcohol and other issues), but I don't think she coped well with me becoming a teenager. I was very close to both my grandmothers at that time.

My mum and I went through a phase where we could not be in the same room without arguing with each other (I was a bratty teenager), and when we finally started to get along again, she got sick and then spent over two years in and out of hospitals and had her own problems to deal with. It was hard to have a close relationship at that point.

The biggest impact my mum's death had on me probably was that I became determined never to become like her.

I was 20 it definitely did not ruin my life but it changed me as a person on many different levels.
I probably have a more stoic outlook on life and death than most I know.

In some ways it made me more successful as I have never had that safety net of parents bailing me out (my father was never in the picture) - everything I have I have earned myself and I take pride in that.
I worked hard put myself through university, I have a good job a nice owned house, a lovely partner and beautiful child of my own.
Losing a parent is difficult at any age and whilst the grief is not as raw it still creeps in from time to time - my only regret is she only knew selfish teenage me and not more stable adult me.
Finally on the flip side as I age I see friends having to support elderly parents struggling with dementia etc.. and I will never go through that. My mum will always be a fantastic memory of a young vibrant and very witty woman who was a fantastic mum.
I am sorry for all your losses 💐

@loopydoop

This is so true - I felt me and my mum were just starting to get to know each other as adults, which was an absolute joy, and then she was gone. As a result I feel robbed of something very special, and can get quite cross and jealous of other people who still have their mums.

My dad also died a couple of years later - I don't think people who have parents living to a ripe old age understand what it feels like to be a young "adult orphan". You just feel completely alone and adrift. There is so much of my formative years that I am beginning to forget, because I have no-one else who remembers, and it breaks my heart sometimes.

Chockaholic
The same, feel alone. So jealous when my best mate is going away with husband, ds, her mum and dad. I want that. I want a family. I have 2 dc, dh and 2 dsd but I want my Family xx

I lost my mum just after my 18th birthday. My family disintegrated as my mum was the glue that held everything together and pandered and placated my dad and brother. I now realise that she had no life of her own. I was fortunate enough to be able to escape to uni. However, there was a massive amount of resentment from my dad and brother as they expected me do all the mothering/wife work, housework and actually work and earn money (which they would steal or scream until I gave it to them) and generally put up with their selfish and abusive ways.

I was 16. Ruined doesn't seem like the right word - but certainly it profoundly impacted my life in a negative way. Being a motherless mother is hard - I found parenting teenagers especially hard, probably because I wasn't parented as a teenager for very long (my father wasn't on the scene then). Outliving her was especially hard - it triggered health anxiety which has at times been awful. And yes to the jealousy of those friends who take the support of their mothers so much for granted.

I am sorry for the loss of your DM or DF.
I often give myself a big talking to about health, it is fear of mine to leave the DC especially DD in her teen years.
My friend died when her little girl was 6, LO is 10 now. I always spoil her extra on her Birthday.
Can I ask does support from a friends parent's help.

I lost my mum when I was 3, I think it is harder during teenage years. To answer Emerald Shamrock - YES please keep supporting your friends daughter. I only have a few people left in my life who knew my mum and it's a really important link. I can't really describe it but it is so precious.

Not a teenager, but I was 21 when my mum died - my dad died 4 years later when I was 25.

It has affected my whole life. I was a very young 21, emotionally speaking and I was devastated. In some ways it has been a cloud that's hung over me for the last 25 years. I miss them both every day and always have. I've felt alone all my life and I'm so grateful I have my sons because they are my only family. But of course that's bittersweet because my parents never met them.

I also have a very low tolerance for other people's shit. I find most of them pathetic when they can't do X or Y without their mum or dad helping, or indeed their grandparents. I am angry that so many people live to 80, or 90 or more when my mum died at 54. I can't bring myself to feel sad for anyone who loses a parent who is 75+. I never got any sympathy over the loss of my parents, my wonderful employers made me take a weeks annual leave when my dad died and phoned me after 4 days to ask when I'd be back .