Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you lost your mum as a teenager

79 replies

parrotisland · 18/05/2019 08:10

And how it has impacted you now?

I am approaching 40 and I can honestly say it's - not quite ruined my life, but made my life go in a different direction.

Not sure if it's just me or if it's the same for everybody.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldMare · 18/05/2019 19:31

I lost my mum when I was 8.
I do wish that she could've seen me grow up. Would she approve of the woman I am?
But on the upside,I have the dearest,loveliest ''step'' mum who is my best friend and just as much my mum as my birth mum was.So don't feel I've lost out - she was there for my teenage years and throughout my health problems then and now.Thanks,dad,you made the right choice both times,proud to call both ladies Mum.

GetUpAgain · 18/05/2019 19:43

FloridaLife I have been through that matching ages time. Its a very hard thing. Being more in their shoes than ever before. Becoming older than your parent will ever be. Seeing the children in front of you at the age you know either your mum had to face saying goodbye or that someone else had to break the shocking news. Flowers

Lots of love to everyone on this thread.

rose789 · 19/05/2019 01:57

My mum died when I was 13 and it very almost ruined me. My dad became an abusive drunk trying to deal with it.
I was neglected and physically and emotionally abused at the time when my entire world had collapsed. After a welfare call from a teacher to social services I spent time in care. I was abused. I was broken and I just wanted my mum.

Tr1skel1on · 19/05/2019 02:42

Such an interesting thread to read. My DH of many years lost his mum as a teenager after a fairly horrific experience with terminal cancer. So much of what people have so bravely shared has resonated me. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it has made a lot of sense and has explained quite a lot of stuff DH still can't articulate. Thank you. It's surprising what you can find on MN when you can't sleep!

norbert23 · 19/05/2019 02:56

I also found huge comfort in Hope Edalman's book, my mum died when I was 7 and I read it at 34. So much of it was reassuring and fascinating to see how what I thought were my strange and unique responses to her death were actually pretty normal - I found it quite cathartic.
I'm also hugely independent, which is also down to how my dad raised us afterwards and that's one of the things I'm most proud of. It makes your whole life have a sort of filter I feel, you can still enjoy things but there's a bittersweet angle to it all which makes you see things differently to everyone else.
Martin Lewis speaking about the loss of his mum last year also captured it well I thought x

BigMosquito · 19/05/2019 08:08

My thoughts are with you all Flowers not what you asked but my DP lost his mum tragically when he was 15. His dad was not on the scene so he had to go and live with extended family.

I would say it's given him what I can only describe as a hardened vulnerability - which sounds strange, I know. He speaks about his mum very fondly and gets/has got quite upset when it's a certain occasion, usually one with some significance like a birthday. However he also admits that since her death he feels like he's been in "survival mode" and is fiercely independent, to the point where he seems as if he doesn't like to get too close to people in case they're taken away too.

Nodancingshoes · 19/05/2019 08:28

I lost both my parents at different times as a teenager - first my dad and my mum and few years later. It hasn't ruined my life but it has certainly changed me forever. I think I am a very strong person now and can cope with most situations. My grief for my mother has grown over time - I think I miss her now even more than I did 20 years ago. Sometimes it makes me angry at what I could have had especially at Christmas and my on my kids birthdays but life goes on and I have made the best of it. Luckily I have a close sister and a nan who we all adore

TitusAndromedom · 19/05/2019 08:40

My mom died suddenly when I was 19. Very strangely, it hasn’t ruined my life because it resulted in a string of events that brought me to my current life.

My dad very quickly got into a relationship with my mom’s best friend and basically took the view that I was enough of an adult to get on with things on my own. As a result I was desperate to get away from the situation, so I moved to the U.K., where eventually I met my husband, we bought a house, had children, etc. I don’t know if I would have ended up moving here if my mom hadn’t died. I was an only child and she was very protective. I don’t know if I would have moved over here because I’m not sure she would have coped.

It’s a strange feeling: my life has turned out this way in large part because of her death. I do find it hard. As previous posters have written, I feel sad that we didn’t get to have a relationship as adults, after coming out of the tricky teenage years. I am also intensely jealous of the support my friends have had when they’ve had children. My mom would have loved my husband and adored my children. I feel both robbed that I never got to see those relationships develop, and aware that everything would have been so different had she lived.

UselessCat · 19/05/2019 08:56

I feel a bit of a fraud joining you all, but your stories have really helped me to make sense of some things so I wanted to say thanks. Flowers

My mum had a life changing illness when I was 14- she was in hospital for over a year and was left with permanent injury and some brain damage. Although she's still alive, she stopped being my mum that day, and I've only recently realised how much grief I have about that.

I basically stopped being parented at 14, which led to me developing some functional but hugely destructive coping mechanisms that I then spent a decade trying to undo.

Original poster
parrotisland · 19/05/2019 08:58

Yeah ... that really resonates with me, Useless

OP posts:
Floopily · 19/05/2019 09:09

Not my mum, but my dad when I was 12. My mum didn't cope at all with being a single parent, and the impact of both things has massively changed who I think I would/could have been. I've been very successful career wise and I now have a happy marriage and I'm quite a strong independent person, but my teens and twenties were a complete mess and I made some very silly decisions, primarily because I had no real parental support or guidance and my mother prioritised her new relationship over us. I wouldn't say I'm bitter about it but I am very envious of people who have close supportive parental relationships.

salamadoolame · 19/05/2019 09:29

@EmeraldShamrock

Responding to your post late but just wanted to say it's lovely to hear that you spoil your friend's wee girl.

When mum died, her friends seemed to disappear from my life and I missed out on a lot of 'girl stuff' because there was no female influence there.

CiderGlider · 19/05/2019 10:42

Lost my mum when I was 20, she was 47. I was half way through uni (first in my family to go) and I got through it, fiercely reminding myself it's what she would have wanted. And I applied that to everything I did. Got a job, met a great man, got a house, got married, had children who are now 9 and 5.

After her death, family slowly disintegrated around us-father remarried and brought a host of crap with that, me trying desperately to keep the family together, but once I got married, I knew I had to take a step back from doing that for my own mental health. I am very close with my sister, but dad's focus is on his wife and her family and it's felt like we've lost both parents.

Loosing her made me independent, resilient with a crack on and do it attitude, but managing family life and the ups and downs of married life impacted on that resilience....all those times when you need your mum....and as I hit the 20th Anniversary of her death, I felt less and less resilient and it's been declining ever since. I feel resentful about my friends who are dripping in parental support and doing things together such as meals out, holidays etc.

I've been on antidepressants for last 18 months (my husband too due to work issues, but he's moved jobs and is much better) and recently came off them as I was caring less about stuff and lacking in motivation. I don't feel worse, but I don't feel much better either. The last two years have been though raising kids, working full time and supporting my husband through a bout of his own depression. I am desperate to find that resilience I once had.....any tips gratefully received!

EmeraldRubyShark · 19/05/2019 12:28

salamadoolame my best friend is terminally ill. I’ve known him since his son was three, so I’ve been a part of his life for as long as he can remember. He’s sixteen now, and it’s been a very deliberate plan this whole past decade that I build and maintain a relationship with him so that when his dad is gone he has an extra adult who’s there for him emotionally, practically, financially, whatever he needs. I’d have stayed close to him anyway as we have an auntie/nephew relationship but knowing he will lose his dad at a young age just makes us all more determined to sustain that bond. Now he’s a teenager we go for costa together to catch up and hang out as well as seeing gigs and the odd message on Facebook. He’s a great kid and I’m fairly sure by now he knows that when his dad goes I’ll be there in every way possible whenever he needs me throughout his life.

iamruth · 19/05/2019 12:47

@CiderGlider so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I am relate to so much of what you say and honestly it almost destroyed my marriage last year. Counselling massively helped me (and us as a couple) and I’ve now come to accept that I might need more in the future. I think that my life will always be blighted to some degree by what happened and I will happily walk back into that counselling again and I honestly believe I will need to xx

BevfromPurchaseLedger · 19/05/2019 13:38

I find it interesting that many of you found losing a parent when you were young made you stronger and more resilient. Decades after my mum died, I am still (and I hate to admit it) rather needy and clingy.

Maybe I would have been like that anyway but learning at an early age that the worst thing in the world can happen - and did happen to me - left me vulnerable and fearful.

ThePants999 · 19/05/2019 13:46

I was 21. Honestly it made no difference to my life, but she'd been getting slowly worse throughout my childhood so I was ready.

thetonsillolith · 19/05/2019 14:12

I lost my mum in my early twenties and I still find myself grieving for her at the strangest times over ten years later. My DS is autistic and I know she would have been an absolute tower of strength and support for me, which can make me feel very hurt and angry.

Norma27 · 19/05/2019 14:26

My dad lost his mum when he was 8. It hasn’t ruined his life but has definitely seriously impacted it.

ednclouda · 19/05/2019 15:31

I lost my mum suddenly when I was 16 and I often wonder how she would have guided me through life she never knew me as an adult and I would have liked her input as to my decisions and suchlike Its also given me a diff outlook on my dads life he has remarried and has a great social life good for him I miss her when reading things like this ….

JustDanceAddict · 19/05/2019 15:56

By the time I was in my late 20s I’d lost both parents and it makes a massive difference to your whole outlook on life. My dad died so long ago now I can’t reslly say I miss him, but I do still miss my mum. She never met my kids etc. As others have said I don’t think those who haven’t been bereaved like that can understand. It also made me want to create my own family, which I did.

I’m mid/40s and I keep a close eye on my health to try to ensure I’m not going to suddenly keel over.

ByStarlight · 19/05/2019 16:45

I lost my mum when I was 16 to cancer and it was definitely the event that shaped the rest of my life and who I became. It made me very independent, resilient and determined to achieve my own life goals - as it showed me that life is short, and I fully expected that the same could happen to me. So it gave me a huge drive to live life to the full and go for every opportunity, in case I also only had until my mid-40s.

As pps have said, it also gave me the desire to have my own family one day - for me, part of that was so I could pass on something of her, and have someone to share my memories of her with. I was her only child and always felt very alone in my grief. My parents had divorced several years earlier and my father had remarried and started a new family- so it felt like I was the only one who could keep her memory alive.

But having survived what felt like the worst thing that could ever happen, means that I feel emotionally very strong and do not worry about how I would cope with losing DF or DH. (However, losing DS would be a totally different scenario).

30 years later, and I am now nearly at the same age she was when she died. I still miss her and think about her every day - and wish she could have met DS. My biggest regret was always that we never got to have an adult relationship- I was in the horrible self-centered rebellious teenager phase when she died. I’d just like to be able to have an adult conversation with her - most of my last year with her had been spent arguing about stupid teenage stuff - something I felt terribly guilty about for years after she died. However, now I have DS, I actually regret my teenage behaviour much less - as I now know how much I love him unconditionally even when he’s behaving really badly - and how proud of him I am in so many ways, and can see past the age-related behaviour challenges - and it makes me realise that my mum probably felt the same about me - even when I was being a moody argumentative cow!

longtimelurkerfirsttimeposter · 19/05/2019 16:51

Yes, lost my mum at 15.

Definitely impacted some life choices straight after, got into a relationship with a man 7 years older (which at the time was a significant gap as I was not even of age and he was in his twenties) which I finitely wouldn't have done otherwise.

But I think I clawed it back when I was a bit older and am now happily married, one DC and another on the way.

Just lost my dad too. I think it affects you throughout your lifetime in different ways, you learn to cope with the grief but it never disappears.

Owlettele · 19/05/2019 16:53

Hi ,

Yeah I was 15 almost 16 and she became ill when I was 6. It definitely changed the direction my life went in and decisions I made.

Ginger1982 · 19/05/2019 18:01

Different but I lost my dad when I was 13. There were no services available to help me and I just got on with things. It hasn't ruined my life but has definitely affected every big event (graduation, marriage, having DS). I also think it made me desperate for a male figure and, despite that, I had no proper boyfriend until my late 20s so assumed something was wrong with me.

In 6 years time I will be the same age as he was when he died and that scares me!