To have just one child

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I was convinced I wanted two children but now I’m starting to think I was just being influenced by what everyone else does and what society considers normal.

If I’m rational about it, a second child won’t make my life any better. Life has just started to get a bit easier as my child turns 2 and the thought of introducing a new born baby into the mix fills me with dread. The sleepless nights, the constant feeding, the nap battles (there is a much longer list!). I also feel like I’m currently in limbo with my career and our housing situation. If I have another there’s no point working towards a promotion or thinking long term about my career. We would also need more space which would mean moving to a totally different area.

I’m not an only child and neither are any of my good friends so I don’t know what it would be like to have no siblings. Would I be right to think you don’t miss what you never had? And there’s no guarantee that you will even get on with your siblings.

I would appreciate the views of people who have decided to just have one child and those who grew up as only children.

I’m also curious to know if others had a second child because they had an overwhelming urge to have more or because they thought providing a sibling was the right thing to do?

I’m in my mid 30s so I feel I need to make a decision one way or the other. I don’t want to reach 40 and suddenly wish I had had a second baby (yes, I know it’s entirely possible to have babies in your 40s but it’s really not what I want).

I loved being an only child, so much so that I have one baby and am quite happy to leave it at that!

I currently only have one child and I grew up as an only child and so did my hubby.

Growing up as an only child has its perks and its downfalls. Every Christmas and birthday my only wish was a brother or sister. I hate being on my own a lot of the time but in the same view, I loved being the one with everyone's attention.

We do intend on having two children just because we both don't want them to grow up lonely like we did, and in later life when we aren't around, I hope that if they are both still around, they can comfort one another and go to each other in time of need.

We have one DS, aged 10. We thought we'd have at least two, and planned to start trying when he was about 18 months, but he was quite a handful (later diagnosed ADHD) and the thought of having a newborn to deal with as well filled me with horror, also DH worked shifts, no extended family close enough to help out. Plus we observed difficult sibling rivalry between our nephews. Which they have grown out of pretty much since, but it was very trying at the time.

We are a happy family of three. We can gear our lives around whatever suits DS without juggling multiple birthday party invites and extra-curricular activities. A two bed flat is plenty of room, like you if we wanted more space we'd have to move out of the lovely area that we are in now. DS has been known to ponder whether he is lucky or unlucky to be an only child (possibly due to discussion at school) and seems to have concluded there are pros and either way. When we go camping we struggle to fit all our kit in the car and then I think thank goodness we didn't have another child.

There was a phase where he needed us as playmates, when he might otherwise have played with a sibling, if they got on well, but it wasn't long before he was old enough to pal up with other kids at play parks or wherever.

MN has a "one child families" section which you may find useful

I am an only child and I didn’t mind it but by way of a caveat, I think you sometimes need to make more of an effort to get only children out socialising with others of the same or similar age.

I purposely didn’t want to have just one child as I have a real fear of what’s going to happen when my parents die and I have no one to grieve with. This sounds bonkers but hey ho.

Despite all this, it is entirely your choice to have one child. You don’t have to answer to anyone or justify your choices.

I'm an only child and hated it growing up. I was very lonely and always always asked for a sibling until I realised it wasn't going to happen.

I didn't want to have just one child. I now have three and considering a fourth as don't want one left out.

One child is amazing. I find that I get to experience the joys of being a mom while minimising the struggles of having more kids- balancing childcare, picking kids up from different colleges/schools etc. Plus it is financially cheaper so me and DH can afford to spend more on DS. Things like private school, holidays, most activities he wants to do. Which is harder when you have more kids.

Only con is people asking if you’ll have another and maybe you need to make more of an effort to play with ur kid or invite friends over more as playmates. But I find that helps us have a closer relationship.

There is no guarantee that siblings will get on. I didnt with mine, too big an age gap, DH and his sibling didnt either. Do whats best for you. The planet is over populated, if only more people had fewer children

I have one DD through circumstance rather than choices. When younger, she really wanted a little sister/brother but after staying with younger cousins for a while is now quite happy to be an only! I am very proactive in hosting playdates but it's also a lot less juggling just to be me and her most of the time.

I love being an only child and the older I get the more I live it(Though I've always been happy with my only child status. Of course not everyone loves it but that's true of having siblings too and it isn't wise to depend upon a sibling to make you happy anyway. I know so many people who don't get along with their siblings. A sibling could be your child's best friend, worst enemy or most likely something in between. There are no guarantees regardless so do what's right for you.

We've got one. Considered another solely for DD.
Then came to my senses as I'm not maternal, never got that urge.
She does get lonely sometimes.
I grew up with 2 sibs and often wished my folks had stopped at 2. Hand me down clothes, no money for school trips, sharing a bedroom etc.

I could have written this post!! I always always said I wanted two but my ds is 18 months old and in all honesty I can't image doing it all over again! I'm extremely happy with my son and our family of three so we've made the decision to keep it that way.

Absolutely nothing wrong with sticking at the one, rather that than have another child and regretting it.

I'm an only child and it was great. It was the best possible scenario for me as my mum had enough on her hands (my dad was a bit of a jerk and a deadbeat). I never missed having a sibling growing up. My mum and I had an amazing relationship and I had good friends. It's only now that I'm older that I see that it would maybe have made things a lot easier in terms of sharing the load of caring for an ageing parent (that's assuming I would have gotten along with any siblings and they didn't turn out to be a jerk, so you never know, do you?). So no, your dc will not suffer for not having a sibling.

But I also wouldn't feel like you need to close off that decision now. Your baby is not even 2. It's a really hard time. I always knew I wanted two, but I wanted a big age gap. My eldest was 3.5 before I even started to feel like I was ready for another. There's 5 years between them and it's great and has been a breeze. But I would have crumbled if I'd had them close together. I think sometimes you need a bit of a breather first. Also, it was really beneficial for us in terms of work and finances to wait, and I went back after my 2nd mat leave to a big promotion because I put the time in before I had dc2, which has made life a whole lot less stressful. So I would stay open to changing your mind, but don't feel like you have to know now how you might feel in a few years time.

Thanks for all of your responses. It seems like some people loved being an only child and some hated it. If I posted a question asking if it would be fair to give my child a sibling I would probably get a similar response - some people loved having siblings and some people hated it.

I agree with you @UnicornBrexit, environmental concerns are definitely influencing my thinking.

I’m totally prepared to have to be my child’s playmate for a while and having to make an effort to invite friends over. I already do those things so nothing will change in that respect.

It is a totally personal decision. In an ideal world I would have had two. But i am an older mother so only time for one, and financially I also think we are more than wise to leave it at one. There is no guarantee she will get on with a sibling, who could be your worse nightmare, or a good friend. Ive seen both cases. So go with what is right for YOU.

I hated being an only, DH loved being one of 3 so we have 3. Sometimes it’s hard but it is also wonderful. Watching the interactions between my kids has been one of the absolute joys of my life to date and I notice on family holidays they are a happy little pack. I remember looking wistfully as siblings horsing about in the pool on holiday when I was young. But I think you can replicate a lot of the benefits of siblings with having loads of friends round to play and close family friendships to go on holiday with so the kids can muck about etc!

I’m pregnant with my first DC and me and my partner are considering just having him. I was an only child until I was 7, then my dad and his new partner had a baby. I didn’t mind being an only child at all, I was never lonely and I had a really close relationship with my mum because of it. This little one will have lots of younger aunties and cousins who he will be able to play with, so I don’t think he’ll be lonely.

Such a personal decision and I think your overall friend/family set-up can influence whether your DC would ever have an issue with being an only child. I had no issues growing up and I think this was because there were three other girls on my road who were my age. We were in and out of each other's houses, we had days out together, holidays together etc. I never felt lonely, but did feel a bit different.

However, as an adult I really miss not having a sibling. I don't have aunts, uncles or cousins, so a sibling would be wonderful. Obviously there are no guarantees that siblings will be close, but at least there is a chance. I have many friends who have great sibling relationships and I am a bit jealous of that. My mum is very dependent on me and I don't have anyone to share the load with. I'm due my third child soon and I think subconsciously I'm trying to create a little gang who will have each other throughout their lives. We only have a small extended family, so at least they will have each other.

We are sticking with one,ds is 5 and we are both 39.Its a mutual decision,we love going on holiday and wouldn't be able to afford it every year with 2 plus my pregnancy and birth was horrendous tbh

Also ds was a welcome surprise and I dont want to go through the stress of ttc

I'm an only child and I never asked my parents for a sibling; it just didn't enter my head. I was perfectly happy being an only child as I had a neighbour my age to play with and didn't get bored on my own (just give me a book or some music and I'd be fine for hours). I currently have DS who has just turned 2 and he is also happy to play on his own or with others. Maybe it just depends on your personality. I am described as laid back, happy and organised (strange mix I know) by friends and colleagues although I would choose differently if describing myself

I never got on with my brother who was 4 years older than me. He used to beat me up. So, a being boy, and 4 years older, why did my mother say 'Stop it both of you.' ???
I had never done anything - only get hurt! I've had a thing about fairness ever since!!!
I have had no contact with him since the late 70s.

I decided to only have one child. Perfect choice for us.

Yanbu, I'm only having one, we're really happy with that decision.

Don't have another kid just because you think they might feel lonely. I had 3 siblings but still felt pretty lonely (I was terribly shy though) even though I do love them all.

I always wanted to be a mum, but nature wasn’t very kind and it was very difficult to conceive. After our first miracle we decided that was it, we were so lucky to have one. Then one day I realised I needed to at least try again. Thousands of pounds later we have another miracle!
There is quite a big age gap between them, and different genes, but I’m soooo pleased to have them both. I’m so close to my sister and hope that they will also have the same close relationship once they’re adults (and stop fighting!!)

I am my mum and dads only child, my half sister (who I consider my full sister in every way!) was born when I was 14 but lived with my dad so only saw her EOW growing up, so for all intents and purposes remained an OC day-to-day.

Both parents are only children so was only ever intended to be just me, as they wanted to be able to maintain holidays/lifestyle etc. Mum made sure I was able to spend always spend time with peers etc, definitely made easier by only having me to manage. Would imagine Weekend at dads were easier too with only one to consider.

As an adult, the care of ageing grandparents is now a real consideration as ultimately, there is only mum and I on one side, and dad/step mum and I (sister still a teen) on the other. Now I have a family, juggling care is tricky, but my DH is very involved in my family dynamic, more so than I would have ever expected. Most medical issues so far have been on mums side, so has been very much mum and I shouldering it all, which can be a challenge.