To have just one child

[user1480880826]

I was convinced I wanted two children but now I’m starting to think I was just being influenced by what everyone else does and what society considers normal.

If I’m rational about it, a second child won’t make my life any better. Life has just started to get a bit easier as my child turns 2 and the thought of introducing a new born baby into the mix fills me with dread. The sleepless nights, the constant feeding, the nap battles (there is a much longer list!). I also feel like I’m currently in limbo with my career and our housing situation. If I have another there’s no point working towards a promotion or thinking long term about my career. We would also need more space which would mean moving to a totally different area.

I’m not an only child and neither are any of my good friends so I don’t know what it would be like to have no siblings. Would I be right to think you don’t miss what you never had? And there’s no guarantee that you will even get on with your siblings.

I would appreciate the views of people who have decided to just have one child and those who grew up as only children.

I’m also curious to know if others had a second child because they had an overwhelming urge to have more or because they thought providing a sibling was the right thing to do?

I’m in my mid 30s so I feel I need to make a decision one way or the other. I don’t want to reach 40 and suddenly wish I had had a second baby (yes, I know it’s entirely possible to have babies in your 40s but it’s really not what I want).

Thing is everyone will be different. You never know if they would get on or not.
I think the most important thing is to have a second child if you want a child. Not 5o five your child a sibling that they may or may not get along with. Do you feel that urge? If not I would stick with one!
FWIW we have one at the moment, I think I want to do it all again but I'm not certain yet.

I always planned on having a lot of children; when ex-DH and I got married we were planning to have six. I had a very difficult pregnancy and a dangerous birth in which DD and I both nearly died. We decided then that she would be an only as neither of us could see doing it all again. I've never, ever regretted stopping at one. DD is 17 and we are so close. She has loved being an only child; she's said many times she has no interest in siblings.

Since the age of five or so, she also has steadfastly said she doesn't want children of her own and has no need to be a parent. She doesn't like children for the most part. Even as a younger child, she had very little patience with the other children. Always been a bit of an adult child.

If the only real 'pro' for having a second is for when you're elderly, then don't. There's no guarantee a second child will want that role / be available for that role. It's a lot of pressure for someone to be brought into the world with expectations of being a care giver in future - or even a loving sibling.

@raviolidreaming I would never assume any child of mine was going to look after me in old age and that’s not why I would have a child. However, this is still a legitimate concern when you only have one child. It is a fairly common occurrence in most families so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to worry that this may be the fate of our offspring. Especially with old age provision being slashed and people living for longer and with more complex needs. I have seen this play out with grandparents on both sides of my family.

In an ideal world we would all retire with vast savings so that we could afford to pay for all of the care that we will need (this is what I would like to plan for) but for most people this is unattainable.

I also think most people (in my experience anyway) would like to take some part in caring for their parents. I certainly don’t intend to just leave mine to fend for themselves.

Caring for their parents? Does choosing the home they will end up in count as that.

My only child is now 10 and we are all really happy with our family set up. His three best friends are also only children, so he kind of sees it as the norm. I have no relationship with my brother, so wasn't confident about parenting siblings, plus I had quite bad health implications after having ds so wasn't keen to go down the pregnancy route a second time. DH was happy with just one child as well, so that's what we stuck with. It's great to have time and space (and money) to pursue things we want to do, and ds has always had a really close relationship with us both.

I know when my parents become elderly it will be my dh helping me to navigate their care and so on, and my brother will be utterly useless, so I never bought into that future scenario for needing to give your child a sibling. If you're happy with one, stick with it!

I get all of that. I really do. But, working with older people, I have seen the resentment and frustration that is felt by people whose children aren't fulfilling a role / an equal role that it was assumed they would - even where there's a valid reason. All parties end up somehow feeling cheated.

I hated being one of many so do friends of similar situations. One dreaded every pregnancy announcement and now has none of her own.

Children don't need siblings, it's a want of the parents.

Only children tend to be very sociable as parents have the time, money etc to ensure they do lots with children, sign up to clubs etc.

I think in terms of care in old age, you're on much safer ground to save all the money/opportunity costs that would have gone on an additional child to afford the best care possible.

We have one ds who is now almost 18. We planned on having more but it didn’t happen. When I’m totally totally honest I really only wanted my one but I pressured myself to provide a sibling. Turns out I went into menopause before ds turned two so that was that.

I’ve heard over the past 17 years from at least one teacher every year that they thought he had siblings. He is well adjusted and says he doesn’t miss not having siblings (however he did ask once when about 8).

If you want one go for it. I beat myself up for years about this and the only time it was Really hard was when friends were having their second children. When the younger ones grew up a bit all the guilty feelings went away.

I think you are very very sensible. I have had three children but only two are living. I find it all very tough but I am struggling with grief and untreated PND.

YANBU. Though as others have said, it will depend on the specific family dynamics you have. The right answer for one family won't be the same for a different one.

I am an only of onlies and growing up was very close to my parents and maternal grandparents. I did once ask for a sibling but I only ever wanted an older sister, which was obviously not possible! That probably came about after I went to school and met other children who had siblings. I definitely didn't want a younger sibling - I had plenty of friends who had really annoying younger siblings! At primary school I think there were only two of us in my class by Year 6 who were still onlies - but that was the 1980s and it's a heck of a lot more common these days.

Growing up around adults meant I was a definitely a more grown up child than my peers - I did used to get frustrated with some of them at school who messed around behaving daft (probably completely normally for our age!). I wasn't spoilt (I definitely was not given everything I wanted - my DM's saying was 'I want, doesn't get!') but my parents were able to support me far better than others around me who had siblings (even to the extent that they helped me out financially when I didn't get full funding for my PhD).

My DH has a younger brother who he got on with ok when they were children but
the relationship deteriorated in their 20s. My FIL was an only and didn't want just one because of that, ànd my MIL was one of 6. It obviously didn't turn out quite the way they envisaged with this rift that's developed. We still don't know the full reason but suspect it's a one-sided sibling rivalry thing on the part of my BIL - my DH is just not interested in that sort of thing which we think has probably exacerbated it. In any case it has caused us issues even though we don't have anything to do with BIL as their parents (and my MIL in particular) don't seem to want to acknowledge there's a problem and deal with it - we've been subjected to quite a bit of nagging to get us to build bridges, which has affected our relationship with his parents because we tried and were rebuffed and yet the nagging went on 🙄

With respect to the comments about support for your only if/when they need to deal with your health issues, as others have said, there's no guarantee siblings will do anything. My MIL ended up having to deal with her parents' ill health as her 5 sisters did nothing other than cast opinions/criticism about the situation. My FIL and my parents haven't had to deal with as much ill health with their parents but when they had funerals to deal with they were supported by their spouses (and my FIL obviously ended up supporting my MIL given the lack of help/ obstructive behaviour from her sisters).

We are so happy in our little gang of 3.

DD loves the theatre and musicals. Have you seen how much tickets are! No way would I pay for 2 kids to go.

We have a good nest egg building up for her. The amount would be half if we had another.

DD is 10 now and a bit more grown up so we are in a brilliant place family wise, where we can all enjoy going out to a nice restaurant for dinner. Family life is really chilled. Great days out and holidays. Life is easy and good. It definitely wouldn't be like this if we had more than one.

She is kind, caring and considerate, which I am told by her friends parents and teachers etc., so I'm not being biased lol.

Funny thing is, I was one of five and my husband was one of three. We all have brilliant relationships with our siblings. We live close and see each other regularly, so not like we never had another cos we hate our siblings.

We made a choice and we are very happy with it.

We intended to have more but just have one. We’re really happy with just the one and life would be different for all of us with more, practically and financially.

DD begged for siblings until about age 6, (which was heartbreaking as we experienced infertility and baby loss) but then from 7 realised how great she has it- all our attention & focus.

The other day we had another child in the car and they were having a chat, this other child has three siblings. She asked Dd whether she liked being an only child, and DD said, yes, as it’s quiet and Mummy and daddy talk to me lots and I get all my toys to myself. 😂

Still just late thirties but I can’t imagine having another one now and going back through all the baby stage stuff (as wonderful as it was the first time) PLUS also supporting DD at school!

I am in the exact same situation as you OP. My DH is so keen for another but honestly I really only want one. I've tried to tell him and he doesn't seem to take it seriously and thinks I will change my mind... 😕

@MrsBudd when he realises you are serious about only wanting one will he be accepting of your decision? I haven’t mentioned any of this to my OH yet and really don’t know how he will feel about it.

Had a difficult birth which scared me nearly to death. Full time childcare was a huge amount to pay, more than my mortgage. I realised I could only afford, and have the maternal instincts for one. My brother has two DC and they fight and make a huge noise. It's a personal choice.

We have one living daughter. Our first died late into pregnancy after over a decade of infertility.

I found my second pregnancy very tough both mentally and physically. I developed kidney problems toward the end that are likely to reoccur should I have had another baby and it pushed me to the very limit of what I can take emotionally. I still don't know how I came out the other side of it.

I'm 37, it took me a long time to even get pregnant in the first place, I wouldn't want to be pushing 40 and having to deal with another tough pregnancy and as much as I would of loved to have given my DD a living sibling I truly, truly believe that she needs her mother sane and well much, much more. She has cousins that are very close in age and I hope she will have lots of friends and that she will understand the road we have gone down when she's older. My husband got the snip two weeks ago. It was absolutely the best decision and a huge weight is being lifted from us.

You can only really answer this question in retrospect.
You’ll only know if your only child loves it or hates it when they’re adults.
All these only child threads are usually 50/50 split between only’s who loved it or hated it.

Dd1 was born when I was 33 and I thought for a long time she'd be an only. Decided to go for dc2 who was born when I was 38.

I know it's not acceptable on MN but I wanted a sibling for dd2 and it's been great. Dd2 has absolutely completed our family and has made life easier, weirdly.

I look at those with 3+ DC and am glad we stopped at 2. If you feel that way looking at families with 2 DC then there's your answer.

No aunts, uncles or cousins on their side when an only has DC. None at all when onlies couple up and have DC...

@user1480880826 I spoke to him about it again this morning. Yes he was accepting of my decision but he did say he would be sad not to have another child. However he acknowledged my feelings and said it was OK. Think he will still be hoping for me to change my mind though.