To have just one child

[user1480880826]

I was convinced I wanted two children but now I’m starting to think I was just being influenced by what everyone else does and what society considers normal.

If I’m rational about it, a second child won’t make my life any better. Life has just started to get a bit easier as my child turns 2 and the thought of introducing a new born baby into the mix fills me with dread. The sleepless nights, the constant feeding, the nap battles (there is a much longer list!). I also feel like I’m currently in limbo with my career and our housing situation. If I have another there’s no point working towards a promotion or thinking long term about my career. We would also need more space which would mean moving to a totally different area.

I’m not an only child and neither are any of my good friends so I don’t know what it would be like to have no siblings. Would I be right to think you don’t miss what you never had? And there’s no guarantee that you will even get on with your siblings.

I would appreciate the views of people who have decided to just have one child and those who grew up as only children.

I’m also curious to know if others had a second child because they had an overwhelming urge to have more or because they thought providing a sibling was the right thing to do?

I’m in my mid 30s so I feel I need to make a decision one way or the other. I don’t want to reach 40 and suddenly wish I had had a second baby (yes, I know it’s entirely possible to have babies in your 40s but it’s really not what I want).

What I meant to say was that whatever decision you make now, you may well change your mind. I was just 30ish when I had my first, and 40ish for my second. I’d still have another one now if I could....

I have one child. My partner is an only child and doesn't 'miss' having siblings. Both my child and partner have lots of lovely 'sibling' like friendships. I wouldn't worry about it at all. You could have other children and they might not get on, anyway! I live hundreds of miles away from my sibling and we barely see each other. It's all swings and roundabouts, really.

There's advantages and disadvantages to having an only child, just like there are with having more than one. I don't think there's any right or wrong, just do what is best for your family. From what you've said here it sounds like you'd rather just stick with one. There's nothing wrong with that.

Only child with an only child here.
Didn't have him until I was 36. He was a dream baby so we decided we couldn't be that lucky twice so stuck to one.
I was happy as an only child and I m pretty sure DS would say the same, although obviously there are times when you wish you had someone close to your age to play with, share experiences with or, later in life share the burden. Conversely no arguments over who gets what or competing for attention.

Never regretted the decision to stick to one. He is now 26 and we still have a great relationship. A very personal decision.

I also agree with a poster above. Having been part of a family ‘team’ caring for several elderly grandparents I would have hated to think of my only child having to shoulder all that responsibility themselves.

We are one and done. DD is 12 weeks but we knew before conceiving her we were only having one. I was an only child and had an amazing childhood, and having just one will allow our little girl so many life opportunities and experiences as well as our undivided attention. Our family just feels 'done' with the three of us (four including the dog )

I think those people who say have another so you won’t have a lonely only, idealise the relationship of having a sibling and what it would mean.

Ds is our only, he gets all of our attention, can make friends wherever he goes, likes his down time by himself. We have more time and resources to better his life, we will be able to help him financially in the future with university/house purchase etc.

There is an expectation that we will all have more than one. But I think as people really start to grasp the impact on the environment we have for each additional child triangle families are going to increasingly be the norm

I have one brother who bullied me relentlessly through childhood. As an adult I’ve had to take full responsibility for caring for both parents and organising the funeral and financial aspects when our mother died. I’m still caring for my dad and will have to do this by myself as brother is the square root of useless!

I have one DS and will not be having any more! We have a strong bond, lots of fun together and he has several friends for when he needs company!

Also I don't really pay any attention to the 'caring for older parents' aspect. My mum was one of three and shouldered all the care for my grandad's as the other two were unable/unwilling to help. It strikes me as an odd reason to have another child. Most likely by the time an only child is in that position, they will have their own family and friends to support them.

I've never been lonely. I used to come home from friends' houses and tell my mum I was so glad I didn't have a brother or sister My mum and I also have an amazing relationship and did so much just the two of us, so much travelling and experiences shared together.

I seriously wish I’d stuck with one.

In my experience the care tends to fall on one child anyway. There are exceptions of course but the greatest burden tends to be borne by one person(usually female,the eldest or lives closest). So having a sibling guarantees nothing. Also what if the sibling has or develops severe disabilities, that could be another person to care for.

Btw I have a shit relationship with all of my siblings. We had a bad upbringing which didn't help, of course, but I have never once felt that they added anything to my life. I was promised some very small bits of financial help in my teens for educational things that would have meant the world to me, but then my siblings all had various "issues" involving heavy drug use, owing money to debt collectors etc so it was never delivered upon. They all received plenty of money time and again to bail them out of stupid situations they got themselves into which meant there was never a penny to help me, nor was there ever any time or care given to me. I was forgotten about because they took up all the room in my parent's lives. No one in my family came to my university graduation. They all said they were coming but all ended up caught up in a "crisis" that one of my other siblings was having, and no one bothered to let me know. I was waiting for them on the steps outside and they just didn't show up.

I was late to my own wedding because my brother (who had declined to attend the wedding) called my step dad to say he was about to kill himself. My step dad was driving me to the ceremony at the time and did a detour to go and rescue my brother. The whole day was about him.

None of my siblings remember my birthday and none of them have acknowledged the fact that I'm having a baby. I'm about to give birth. Haven't even had so much as a text from any of them to mention it.

I know this is all extreme examples but I'm just pointing out that it is not always better to have siblings. Sometimes it means you don't have the money/time to give all of your children what they need.

I’m an only child. Parents were immigrants so all of our extended family are overseas. I think the not missing what you never had is very true and you’re right there’s no guarantees siblings even like each other. I do remember spending a lot of my childhood on my own as even on holidays and days out there was no- one to play with. Getting older there was always pressure on me to go home for Christmas and birthdays,etc. Dealing with ageing and ill parents has also been a struggle as there’s no-one to even discuss things with.

Positives are that there’s never any juggling of anyone’s needs. If I wanted to take up a hobby or activity there was the time and money to do it.

@NotWithTheProgramme the caring for elderly parents issue is a real worry. My father is an only child and had to care for my ageing grandparents by himself and it was awful for him.

I am an only child and my husband and I are 90% sure our son will remain an only. I love my son a crazy amount but I think I’m too selfish to have another. With him my husband and I can maintain a careers we enjoy, still have a social life and afford to go and do most things we want without having to be consumed with thoughts about childcare. We are pretty social people so he is surrounded by friends and family all the time anyway.

I was an only growing up and whilst I liked the idea of a sibling I had an amazing childhood and bond with both my parents. It also allowed my parents to flourish in their careers and they have both been very successful. It’s also meant financially I’ve benefited - I had music lessons etc growing up, they were able to pay for me to go to university and have given me considerable money which allowed me to get on the property ladder young. I have always had good friendships so being an only didn’t turn me into some sort of anti social loser like many imply!

I've been a carer twice for two different family members.(Also a 'professional' carer. Personally I'd have been far more resentful if I had a sibling who wouldn't help out, an all too common situation, than I was having to do it alone.

Also, even if a sibling does help out, I've seen some major fallouts when they have very different ideas about how to care for a family member e.g if the person should or shouldn't go to a care home.

I was an only child and I had a lovely childhood. It never occurred to me to wish for a sibling, I was just happy as I was. My parents did go to a lot of effort to facilitate my friendships though, driving me to clubs and organising playdates or sleepovers. I think if they hadn't done those things it could have been quite boring at times. I also had cousins I was very close with growing up (and still am) so never really felt like an 'only child. I still don't feel like I'm missing out as I have close friends and a family of my own and I have plenty of friends who either can't stand their siblings or have cordial but distant relationships with them. There's no guarantee they'll get on as children and even if they do it doesn't mean they'll stay close in adulthood.

All the stuff about having more than one so they can share the burden of caring for you in your old age is bollocks, by the way. My DM is one of five and she might as well be an only child in that respect, before her DP's passed she did everything for them. The others did nothing. In fact I know several women who've ended up burdened with caring for elderly DP's alone, despite having siblings.

I thought 2/3 children would be great, I'm 35 weeks pregnant with our first and won't be doing this again. Pregnancy has been horrible with HG, GD and a few other things and I know I couldn't go through it again. It makes me sad for the life I thought we'd have but I know we're so lucky to be in this position.

My brother and I are really close, we grew up with my dad having MS and then my mum getting cancer and we supported eachother through that, I'd be lost without him to be honest and I'd love for our baby to grow up with a similar sibling bond. I've always thought about adoption so that's still an option but lately we've been thinking about all the benefits of only having one, the opportunities we'll be able to give him, the places we'll be able to take him, the help we'll be able to give him etc and I definitely feel there are benefits.

My husband had to really press me to have our second, and I did it through gritted teeth.

I felt exactly the same as you - I couldn't imagine doing it all over again.

Obviously I love the bones of my number 2 and he and his brother are now incredibly close AFTER TEN YEARS OF ROUGHHOUSING AND BICKERING but I'd have been super-happy having just one.

It is not unreasonable to only have one child. I really don't know why there's any angst about it. Pregnancy isn't easy, bringing up children isn't easy, yet people say you are selfish if you don't do it. I don't get it.

There's a lot to be said for quitting while you're ahead with one healthy child.

I have many friends who have great sibling relationships and I am a bit jealous of that

I do identify with this a bit - but it's only the social media thing, seeing pictures of these #blessed #famalam family gatherings. If I didn't see those, I wouldn't care. And actually I am not so sure I would have enjoyed being an aunt anyway. So don't let social media be your decision maker.

@simplythepest It doesn't sound bonkers at all, I know exactly what you mean.

I loved & still do love being an only child. I always said I would only have one myself & have stuck by that - DD is coming up to 7.

I never ever wished for a sibling growing up & can honestly say I never felt lonely, mum was good at play dates etc.

I'm only grandchild too so didn't even have cousins to compare it to. I always comment on only child threads & I do honestly think that the main point is.... that's your normal & you don't know any different.

On the other hand my Ddad is one of 5, cant keep up with which siblings talk to the others, numerous busy ups over the years that have seen DGran upset as she just wants all her children to get on.

And the DH who is a twin hasn't spoke to his brother for 5 years.

I love the lack of drama my family has going on.

I'm having the same dilemma, I always wanted to have 2 and even straight after I had my dd I wanted another! but now I'm in 2 minds. We want our dd to go to dance and do whatever hobbies she wants to do but with 2 children its twice the cost and having to split yourself in half constantly. My dd actually isn't an only child as my partner has 3 children from a previous marriage but the older 2 are almost 16 and 17, the youngest is 9 so by the time she is old enough to prooerlynplay etc. none of them will really be interested, and they also dont live with us so it would be like shes an only child

Having a child so there is 'someone to look after you in your old age' is a ridiculous idea. Having another child in case the first one finds it too much of a burden is just as mad.

I would never expect my only to shoulder the burden of looking after me in my old age. I shall be telling him to go out there and live his life so he has some good stuff to tell me when he visits me in the old people's home (The one I can afford because I saved money from only having one)