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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be seething with DM?

73 replies

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:03

DM has some physical problems. Not as bad as she thinks, is constantly

helped by DB, even when she doesn't actually needs it, just a bit of extra time. DB tends to panic if things go wrong a telephones DSis, for support. Recently DM has been over reaching for support, despite being shown how to do things safely, and has slipped to the floor; not falling, just sliding to the floor.
She has an alarm to get help, and has used it a couple of times recently, HCP come to the house and get her up. This has become an issue as DB is terrified she will end up in hospital, and has demanded she stay in bed.
DS is going into hospital soon, and will be unable to drive for 6 weeks. She and I discussed this (I live 150 miles away), and thought it might be an idea to get respite care for DM while DSis is actually in hospital, as DB won't be able to contact her.
We checked on a couple of care homes, one of them was really lovely, more like an hotel actually.
We both went to DM's to explain the situation, pointing out that as DSis would not be around, and I am too far to get there quickly, that she might like to consider a week away; we gave her all the details of the home, DB was totally on board with this, as he is extremely stressed by DM's demands. DM agrees that she will try it for a week.
An assessment was arranged, then DM flatly refused to go, no particular reason. The home suggested she might to pop in for a coffee to see the place for herself, and meet the staff. NO!
The DM had the temerity to ask DSis if she was going to cancel the hospital.
We are both seething with her attitude, and feel like saying to hell with her. But we both need to support DB
Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:

Hatemadeupwords · 16/05/2019 19:08

From years of experience you give her two options. Either she goes in the home or she spends the week dsis is in hospital on her own. I've seen families run into the ground by obstinate parents who refuse to compromise. They usually end up in a home eventually and often enjoy it.

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:10

Trouble is, she won't actually be on her own, she will be making DB's life hell, and he doesn't have the mental capacity to put her straight.

OP posts:

ineedaknittedhat · 16/05/2019 19:10

You have to put your foot down otherwise they run you ragged. It only ever gets worse as well.

Giraffey1 · 16/05/2019 19:16

I think this is tricky. How old is your DM? Is she scared of the implications of going to a care home, even for a short time? And I don’t think it’s very helpful of your DB to demand she stays in. Ed? How is that going to work? Your DM sounds is she might be a bit scared by it all.

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:17

It's so frustrating, we have done this for her benefit, not ours; but she wants to stay to be waited on hand and foot by DB. We even stressed how much attention she will be getting, and lovely looking meals. DB can't cook, so she has a cheese sandwich every day!
I think she realises that she won't be able to pull the wool over their eyes, like she can DB's, and will have to get off her bottom.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 16/05/2019 19:18

Does DB live with her?

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:21

DB is mentally handicapped, so he sees the answer to the odd slippage is to keep her in bed, then she won't end up on the floor.
He doesn't understand that she needs to move more, to make her safer on her feet.
We can understand some fear, she is 88. It's really quite sad, she used to have a great social life, but hardly ever goes out.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 16/05/2019 19:21

Maybe you could get carers to go in for the week, and DB could go away for a week's holiday. It sounds as though he could do with a break.

Drogosnextwife · 16/05/2019 19:22

What are her physical problems. What about carers that come into the home?

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:23

She has a carer, but won't let her do anything, she insists DB does it. She lies to us about what he does, but he tells us the truth, so we know he is doing a lot of her intimate care.
He can't go away on his own, as much as DS and I would like him to

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2019 19:24

Can you take her out for a drive/lunch and then divert to the home for a visit?

MoMandaS · 16/05/2019 19:24

Is it possible to invent a business trip or similar for DB?

MoMandaS · 16/05/2019 19:25

Sorry cross posted.

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:25

She has some mobility issues, she can walk with the aid of a wheelie thing, surprisingly when nobody else is around she is much more mobile than she is when DB is there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:26

DB is mentally handicapped, and doesn't work.

OP posts:

cptartapp · 16/05/2019 19:27

Your DB has a choice to make. If he hasn't the mental strength to stand up to her he will live his life as a consequence, jeopardising his own physical and mental health. Why does she not pay for carers to help? She has an alarm for emergencies. Why do you all have to jump to? She sounds quite emotionally manipulative.
Another with plenty of experience here, and agree this will only get worse and worse. If he's stressed now, give it another couple of years.

Myyearmytime · 16/05/2019 19:28

Is there home your darling brother can go into for the week .
To himself a rest

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:31

We have to support DB, when there is an issue with DM. He can't read or write, he is deaf so can't really use a telephone, except to call DSis (or me) and tell us what has/hasn't happened, but he can't have a conversation, as he can't really hear what is being said, other than to say we will sort it. or DS say she will go there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:32

We would love for him to go somewhere, but I don't think he would go. He does have a hobby, and there was talk of a few days away for some of the hobby people, we were hoping this would come off, but it hasn't.

OP posts:

HomeMadeMadness · 16/05/2019 19:35

I came here thinking you were being insensitive but reading what's actually happening I think YADNBU. Could your brother come and stay with you for the week? It sounds so stressful for him (and you).

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:36

We were secretly hoping that DB would be so pissed off with DM about a week away, I think he was quite looking forward to it, that he would ask us to find him somewhere to live on his own..........if only.

Thank you all for 'listening'. I really don't think there is an answer to this problem at the moment. One day, push will come to shove, and she will have no option.

OP posts:

Gigglinghysterically · 16/05/2019 19:41

If your DB is "mentally handicapped" surely he shouldn't be taking on this extra mental load.

You do say she relies on him for help when she doesn't need it, just needs extra time. Maybe he thinks she needs more help than she does.

I would ask for Occupational Health to assess your DM and make sure she has all the aids she may need. It may be that she is perfectly fine alone at home and just needs to take her time.

If she does need help, and will agree to it, I would get carers in to take the pressure permanently off your DB. He needs to be made to understand to let her do things she can but slowly.

She isn't getting proper care if he is just making her a cheese sandwich each day.

What is she able/unable to do for herself?

gamerchick · 16/05/2019 19:41

Could your brother come and stay with you for the week

This is what I thought first. He needs a break. She might change her mind if she's going to be alone.

Celtic1hair · 16/05/2019 19:43

It sounds like you have all been doing a great job, and you must all have been under a huge strain. Would it help to separate the issues? As in considering that your DB does not have the ability to safely care for her without the added support of your DSis. It's not fair on him to be put in that position, and he is the one who doesn't have the capacity to decide what is best (sorry if not true, just the impression I got from your post). Give your mum an ultimatum; either she goes for respite or your brother will come and stay with you for the week & she will be alone.

Gigglinghysterically · 16/05/2019 19:48

Sorry, I've realised that I hadn't read page 2 and can see some of my comments/ questions are irrelevant following your updates.

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