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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be seething with DM?

73 replies

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:03

DM has some physical problems. Not as bad as she thinks, is constantly

helped by DB, even when she doesn't actually needs it, just a bit of extra time. DB tends to panic if things go wrong a telephones DSis, for support. Recently DM has been over reaching for support, despite being shown how to do things safely, and has slipped to the floor; not falling, just sliding to the floor.
She has an alarm to get help, and has used it a couple of times recently, HCP come to the house and get her up. This has become an issue as DB is terrified she will end up in hospital, and has demanded she stay in bed.
DS is going into hospital soon, and will be unable to drive for 6 weeks. She and I discussed this (I live 150 miles away), and thought it might be an idea to get respite care for DM while DSis is actually in hospital, as DB won't be able to contact her.
We checked on a couple of care homes, one of them was really lovely, more like an hotel actually.
We both went to DM's to explain the situation, pointing out that as DSis would not be around, and I am too far to get there quickly, that she might like to consider a week away; we gave her all the details of the home, DB was totally on board with this, as he is extremely stressed by DM's demands. DM agrees that she will try it for a week.
An assessment was arranged, then DM flatly refused to go, no particular reason. The home suggested she might to pop in for a coffee to see the place for herself, and meet the staff. NO!
The DM had the temerity to ask DSis if she was going to cancel the hospital.
We are both seething with her attitude, and feel like saying to hell with her. But we both need to support DB
Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:

GooseberryJam · 16/05/2019 19:49

So carers do come in but she makes your brother do the actual work? In that case, you need to get him away for that week and tell her the choice is staying at home alone with her usual carers coming in, or the respite in the care home.

MulticolourMophead · 16/05/2019 19:51

Has your DB been assessed for himself? Would social workers be able to intervene here? I'd be thinking he would be classed as a vulnerable adult.

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 19:52

She has had OTs, they have shown her what and how to do stuff, she just ignores their advice, even though she does know and explains what went wrong when she is on the deck.
Unless it's to do with his hobby, he won't want to go away. He hasn't visited either my or my DS's house in nearly 30 years.
We keep telling DB that he doesn't have to do the things he is doing, but DM just gets more and more angry with him, so he caves in. We have offered to find him a place of his own, social services have said we just have to ask and they will sort something out.
But it's the only home he has ever known, and refuses to leave.
It will a horrid time when DM dies, as he will have to move. She had the option some years ago of him living somewhere else, which at that time I think he might have agreed to, but she wanted him with her so said no. So DSis and I will have to deal with him being bereaved and kicked out of his home at the same time.
I am really dreading it.

OP posts:

Two4Joy · 16/05/2019 20:01

You said she flatly refused - was there a conversation after that? Did you talk to her about the reasons for her refusal? (Non-confrontationally) Is she anxious about something in particular? Did she feel pushed? rushed?

Jux · 16/05/2019 20:02

Arrange for DB to have a week away too. She may rethink if she's going to be left on her own.

I think that it sounds like your brother could do with a bit of respite himself.

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 20:05

I wasn't there, as I had to travel home, DSis was there and tried to ascertain the reason, but DM wouldn't even discuss it other that to ask if DSis would cancel the hospital.

OP posts:

Springwalk · 16/05/2019 20:06

I am sorry to say this, and I can imagine I will not be the most popular but it is what I would do.

I would pack up mother and bring her to stay with me for a week, give your brother a proper break.

Then you teach your mother how to care for herself in the ways that she can manage. You can go out for a few hours every day to relieve the pressure. Whilst she is with you tell her it is selfish to continue this way. That dB is not well enough to be under this kind of mental load. Give her options for when she gets home, or you will have no other option but to put her in a home.

You have to help op. I know it’s the last thing you want to hear.

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 20:17

would dm listen to a social worker/ professional telling her she can`t rely on db and use him in the way she does?

call adult social services and tell them what youve told us. this cannot go on. shes using him shamefully and he is a vulnerable adult. would she listen to a stern hcp? at her age it is use it or lose it I find. its almost abuse tbh on her disabled son! (it could be?).

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 20:17

I said to the care home when I called to cancel the assessment, that if I could I would pick her up, put her in the car and take her. Neither DSis or I have a stairlift, which she needs.
Apparently she has now said to DSis that she knows the home was my idea, so I think I am off the Christmas card list. Even though it was DSis's, which she told her. So, even if I could accommodate her, I don't think she would be interested. Probably assume it's just a ploy to get her into the home.
WE have agreed we are not going to discuss it further with her, as we are just getting stressed by it all, be there for DB and continue to try to encourage DB not to do all her bidding, and leave her to do things for herself, or let the carer do it. We suggested he take his hearing aid out if he gets fed up of her moaning at him!

OP posts:

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 20:22

We have told her she can't use him like that as it's not fair and totally selfish. She lies and says he doesn't do that much for her; she says this in front of him, and he tells her she lying, but I think she actually believes it. When we ask why she doesn't let the carer help her, she just replies that she prefers to do it for herself.............IT'S ALL BLOODY LIES.

OP posts:

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 20:22

the reason i say abuse of your db, is because he cant/ wont doesn`t have the capability to say no mum. she is manipulating/ co ercing him to be her carer when he really should not being it at all!! maybe she cannot see it herself but she needs a chat with a hcp (a stern one better)! he is a vulnerable adult and he needs protecting himself.

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 20:23

I need to leave now as I need to help DD with revision.
Thank you all for listening to my moaning and ranting

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 16/05/2019 20:24

Are adult social care involved with either your mum or brother? It might be worth asking for a social care assessment if not.

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 20:25

call social services about db tomorrow. show them this thread, its so bloody wrong. i feel cross for you!

her wanting your ds to have an operation cancelled is shocking! she needs a good talking to by a stern no nonsensce hcp! for a lady of her generation a stern gentleman doc martin type!

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 20:26

or a nurse gladys of open all hours lol!

Original poster

Hadalifeonce · 16/05/2019 20:26

They are both under social services, but it is her home, they would suggest he move out, and he won't.
Unless I reported her for abuse and she was given a custodial sentence, but then he can't live on his own permanently.

OP posts:

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 20:27

oh and for a hcp to tell db NOT to do stuff for her as it will harm her in regards to future mobilty etc. I`ll shut up now.

wellballstoyou · 16/05/2019 20:33

well rant away!...

ineedaknittedhat · 16/05/2019 21:56

Your mother is exploiting him. Poor man, this isn't right at all. Take him into your home for a break for a week or so and let her get on with it. Make her engage with the carers.

queeflett · 16/05/2019 22:07

yes she is shamfully exploiting him. get onto social services about it.

Gazelda · 16/05/2019 22:09

I was about to ask if it would be possible for you to go stay with them for the week, but I see you have DC going through exams at the moment, so your priority is obviously there.

I think you should speak with social services again, about support for your DB. As much as I sympathise, I think it's going to be very hard on him while your DSis is in hospital and it doesn't seem fair to let them sink or swim.

I know that's not what you're suggesting, and you're in an impossible situation, but hopefully someone can offer even a part solution?

diddl · 17/05/2019 11:12

It's your poor brother that needs to get out of there & be cared for.

Hearthside · 17/05/2019 15:02

OP i say this as a community carer who has to do regular safeguarding training your DM is abusing your DB .He is a vulnerable adult and she kicks off at him till he caves in that is mental abuse .I appreciate it is really hard but please get your brother out sounds like he would probably thrive in a supported living environment. What your DM is doing is so so wrong .Social services are passing the buck , abuse is a safeguarding issue .I would have him stay with you for a week or so away from your DM influence so you can talk to him without interference.

queeflett · 17/05/2019 15:08

I thought it may be abuse, but its been a while since I worked in hcp setting!

OP this is abuse by your dm, its very, very wrong . Her age etc does not excuse it. I mean should rold harris etc be "excused" just becasue they`re doddery now? no.

I`m sorry but you need to report this. If this is picked up by the carers coming in etc then they will report and when the shit hits the fan you will be seen as guilty for turning a blind eye! Do you want that on your head. What sort of life is this for db??

a pretty shit one

TooManyPaws · 17/05/2019 15:14

This is adult abuse of your brother by your mother. Social Work should be involved as an adult protection case as your brother lacks capacity to safeguard himself. Your local council is likely to have a direct line for Adult Protection so you should phone this and explain that your brother is being abused and doesn't have the capacity to protect himself. Point out to your mother that he may be removed from her to a place of safety if it found necessary. It's not just children that social services can remove but also adults without the capacity to protect themselves.

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