Devastated - beloved dad has let me down massively at worst time possible

[namechange5001]

The past few days have been some of the hardest in my life.

My marriage is on the brink of collapse. My husband has serious anger management issues and I have finally reached breaking point. I'm hugely stressed about what separation will mean for me given we share a small DS together and for various reasons I don't want a 50/50 custody arrangement. I also brought a very significant amount of money into the relationship but stupidly have no prenup. I know things will get very nasty.

Unfortunately my dad is visiting and up until the last couple of days I was keeping it together, secretly sleeping in the spare room and I don't think he's suspected how bad it is. My husband is a very good actor and plays the doting husband and father so well. So despite the fact I've told my dad in some detail (not deep but deep enough to make him wary of what he says) about some of our marriage issues I don't think he takes them seriously.

My parents split more than two decades ago and while my mother is quick to make nasty comments about him, he's always refrained and I've greatly appreciated this quality in him.

However, this all changed the other night when he told me details about their split and how he fought her and her lawyer for 50/50 and half the assets in court and won. Really nasty stuff no one needs to know. Not sure how true any of his claims are. My mum has always been pretty nasty, but he's not an easy person either in many ways. Doesn't really matter though, does it. What happened with their marriage affected us kids at the time and we shouldn't have to know the gory details now or ever.

I was shocked at the fact he was letting it out after so long, only to find he intends to publish these details in our family tree that he's been working on for many years FFS. A copy of which will go to all relatives.

Worse still is the fact it turns out he told all this to my husband first without me knowing, who then used it against me when we sat down yesterday to battle it out about the issues in our marriage and will continue to use it against me forever. It seems they bonded over this. The very thing that could see me - his daughter - end up totally screwed in a divorce.

Tonight I asked my dad why he did this. Why he told my husband, why he told me, and why he intends to publish all these sordid details for the world to see. I told him my marriage is on the rocks and my husband has and will use this information as ammunition against me. He kept saying "You had a right to know." But he didn't have any real answer. I suggested he was motivated by belated revenge. He was struck dumb. I've never spoken to him like this. Then he lost his temper and stormed off. I suspect he will disappear into the night and I'll be left to worry about his welfare. We have never fought like this. Not even slightly.

I'm so angry. AIBU. Help.

Sorry, that was long.

You're not being unreasonable. He's given your husband a right nasty gift :(

Don't worry about him storming off he can look after himself and in fact I suspect the reason why he stormed off is to make you worry about him. I very much doubt that he's worrying about you. Sounds like your husband and dad are cut from the same cloth.

You've just found out that your dad is one of those men who values 'The Botherhood' (or whatever they may call it) over all else.

DH had a mate like that. Took his ex for absolutely everything he could and, once the family home was sold, she had move into a flat she could afford, changed jobs etc, he stopped working. He did this so that she couldn't take any of his wages. Which meant that she had changed jobs, taken a flat she could not initially afford without his CMS and left his 2 kids in fairy dire straits, financially. And yes, he did demand his rights... no matter how much the kids didn't want to visit on a certain day (say friend's birthday trip somewhere exciting, etc), they had to.

He did all of that shittiness because hsi older brother told him thats how it was to be done. Women couldn't be allowed to rip you off!

It's shit.

Must be even worse to find out your own father has all of that in him!

@CuriousaboutSamphire It is. Especially because of all the people in the world I thought my dad would have my back. My in-laws are dreadful and they have never, will never have anything good to say about any woman who enters the family. I could be Mother Teresa and they'd still spit the same venom in my direction.

Feeling very, very alone.

The problem with keeping things in is that they usually come out in the end. Similar thing happened to me. I am now much more open, even though I wasn’t brought up this way. Your father was probably ‘triggered’ by your situation even though he wasn’t sure what was going on, and due to the emotions he’s been repressing all these years, it’s exploded. Yes, if he had given you the ‘right to know’ years ago then you could have made different choices and wouldn’t have been in this situation.

You have a right to be angry. Don’t worry about him. You can’t be responsible for his behaviour. He’s made a fool of himself if he wanted this big ‘revelation’ for everyone to feel sorry for him as he’s cocked that up.

God, I'm so sorry OP. That really stinks! Do you have siblings that are supportive of you?

apologies if I misunderstood

your dad told your partner this actually knowing the problems you have with your partner? It wasn't just sharing with someone he thought was a family member?

though I have to say, the whole "publishing" thing is alarming in itself....

Simple advice?.

Ignore your toxic dad relatives etc, and get yourself a good solictor as your married with a child you'll have the upper hand in any split.

Just do it please!

Don't worry about Dad, he's a grown up and can look after himself. He has a lot to think about so it's just as well he has some time to himself. I agree that your situation has triggered old emotions in him that were buried for years. Start dealing with your marriage first, then you and Dad can talk it out when you have both calmed down

Oh dear. These matters are never black & white OP. I'd calm yourself a bit and step back a little. Ask yourself, is a lawyer employed by your DH in a divorce really going to find anything at all substantial in what your DD divulged that overrides your good track record as a mum and wife??? Your DH/DP may have prodded your Dad along a bit and extracted information in an effort to shit stir. Your Dad sounds daft and like he needs a shrink - he must stop using family for this purpose. But ask yourself, you were a kid when your parents separated, so how can YOU be cast under any kind of shadow for events that happened yonks ago?

In practical terms, I'm not sure how your STBX can use this information against you. The fact that your parents did whatever won't change the legal entitlement. If your concern is that he'll use it emotionally ("You're just like your hideous mother") then you along control your reactions. You can't control what he says, but you can choose to roll your eyes and not take it to heart.

I can see how this has triggered a lot of emotions for you, and you're entitled to your feelings, but your father has only handed your H a weapon if you choose to perceive it as a weapon. If you see it as irrelevant information about what people did decades ago, you'll take away its power to be a weapon.

What happened between your parents will have no bearing on your own divorce. Get a good solicitor. What possible ammunition could this have given your dh?

I don't understand how the money issues and court battle will be relevant to or appear in a family tree ?

Nor how your husband can use this against you ?

But I'm sorry you felt down and really sorry about your marriage .

@ZandathePanda But that's what I thought too. That he'd been triggered by something and finally let it out in the heat of the moment. And I even felt sorry for him and empathised at the time.

Then it turned out (my husband told me the next day during our fight) that he had planned to tell me during this trip because he had already recorded all of this detail in the family tree that was finished quite a while ago, yet hasn't been distributed yet. He was preparing me for it. This was all premeditated. He probably wrote this years ago. Apparently there are pages of detail about it in the family tree. PAGES. I'm starting to wonder if the whole family tree project is just a platform to get back at my mum. He also told me about issues within her own family of origin that I absolutely didn't need to know. All painting her in a terrible light.

Trust me, I am one for wanting to know the truth. And I am well aware of my mother's faults. But this all just seems like his way of getting revenge after decades but in the process just making everything unnecessarily unpleasant.

I asked him if he had included the gory details of all the other broken marriages in our relatives' families in the family tree too, including my brother who went through an absolute nightmare himself. He said "He has a right to include that himself one day if he sees fit". WTF?!

Get the best solicitor you can find as soon as possible. Before your husband does.

Sorry but I don't understand this. I thought when couples split up things were always divided 50/50? Most couples I know seem to have done this.
I'm obviously unexperienced in all this, but I don't understand your anger. Do you feel your dad is taking your husbands side, is that it, or your dad us pushing your husband to doing something he doesn't want to do?

Just to add, I realise that stuff like this is deeply deeply personal and it's the last thing you'd want a DH that you'd want someone your separating from to find out, but honestly is there really anything chunky there that a lawyer could use? Your DH would use that information just to embarass or shame you in some way, if he does, stick a finger up at him. I bet you're a great mum and that's what will count in a court.

Unfortunately, some parents are like this, they feel the need to share something and they don't think about the impact it'll have on their DC. I've had similar conversations with my Dad (not divorce-related) but him telling me things that I really didn't need to know and which I've tried not to think about since.

As a PP said, don't worry about your Dad, he's an adult and can take care of himself. If you and your DH are going to split up, I'd suggest mediation as a starting point, during which you can point out that you both want to do what's best for your DS and maintain his quality of life Battling each other for every penny isn't going to achieve that. Hopefully, your DH is a better parent than your Dad was and will be more reasonable.

It seems like your dad has kept schtum for all these years whilst your mum has said what she likes about their break up and now it's all coming out as he sees your brother and now you getting divorced. Maybe he feels like you'll both understand his position a bit more?

I'm so sorry for you, must be awful to feel your Dad has betrayed you in this way xx

But you hid the severity of your situation from your dad - pretty successfully with the secret sleeping in the spare room. Maybe if he knew he wouldn't have done this?? You can't 100% blame him for doing this sharing which is so harmful because of the context, when he didn't know the context.

@Justaboy and others who talk about 50/50 and how my husband can use this as ammunition. I am worried because my dad DID win 50/50. He showed it was possible. Up until this point I think my husband thought if we divorced it would be more like every second weekend or so, but this has twigged him to see that 50/50 is possible.

And it's given him the kick to believe he's the devoted dad my dad claimed to be during the divorce fighting the evil woman who wanted full custody and all assets (apparently).

My husband knows I am terrified I will become like my mum (unlikely) as she's very negative and cruel. I stupidly told him this when we first had our son and he now often accuses me of being "exactly like her" whenever he wants to hurt me. I think he's even convinced himself. He brought it up yesterday during our fight and said if we divorced he would fight like my dad did for custody.

So your dad has told both you and your dh about his divorce and he's putting it on a family tree and sharing all the details with your eider family?
Seems a bit weird to me but it's his choice. You are an adult, I can't really see the distress here, you say your mum has been making nasty comments for years, did you never think their marriage wasn't perfect?

I feel I'm totally missing the point here.

Of course your dh will fight for custody doesn't most dad's want 50/50 custody?
Why should he get less custody and less assets than you?