Devastated - beloved dad has let me down massively at worst time possible

[namechange5001]

The past few days have been some of the hardest in my life.

My marriage is on the brink of collapse. My husband has serious anger management issues and I have finally reached breaking point. I'm hugely stressed about what separation will mean for me given we share a small DS together and for various reasons I don't want a 50/50 custody arrangement. I also brought a very significant amount of money into the relationship but stupidly have no prenup. I know things will get very nasty.

Unfortunately my dad is visiting and up until the last couple of days I was keeping it together, secretly sleeping in the spare room and I don't think he's suspected how bad it is. My husband is a very good actor and plays the doting husband and father so well. So despite the fact I've told my dad in some detail (not deep but deep enough to make him wary of what he says) about some of our marriage issues I don't think he takes them seriously.

My parents split more than two decades ago and while my mother is quick to make nasty comments about him, he's always refrained and I've greatly appreciated this quality in him.

However, this all changed the other night when he told me details about their split and how he fought her and her lawyer for 50/50 and half the assets in court and won. Really nasty stuff no one needs to know. Not sure how true any of his claims are. My mum has always been pretty nasty, but he's not an easy person either in many ways. Doesn't really matter though, does it. What happened with their marriage affected us kids at the time and we shouldn't have to know the gory details now or ever.

I was shocked at the fact he was letting it out after so long, only to find he intends to publish these details in our family tree that he's been working on for many years FFS. A copy of which will go to all relatives.

Worse still is the fact it turns out he told all this to my husband first without me knowing, who then used it against me when we sat down yesterday to battle it out about the issues in our marriage and will continue to use it against me forever. It seems they bonded over this. The very thing that could see me - his daughter - end up totally screwed in a divorce.

Tonight I asked my dad why he did this. Why he told my husband, why he told me, and why he intends to publish all these sordid details for the world to see. I told him my marriage is on the rocks and my husband has and will use this information as ammunition against me. He kept saying "You had a right to know." But he didn't have any real answer. I suggested he was motivated by belated revenge. He was struck dumb. I've never spoken to him like this. Then he lost his temper and stormed off. I suspect he will disappear into the night and I'll be left to worry about his welfare. We have never fought like this. Not even slightly.

I'm so angry. AIBU. Help.

Your dhs lawyer will set him straight much faster than your dad ever will

Op where is your Mum in your life? Do you have any kind of support? Family and friends. You need to look
to almost anyone else now, and not your father this time.

Aside from the axe he wants to grind with the family tree, it is possible, at least possible, that this is terrible timing. That he was telling your dh unaware (in your own words) of how seriously damaged your marriage is. On finding out is mortified and stressed and has walked out. I think you at least need to wait and find out what he does next. If he gets behind you, apologises and gets behind you, this may be okay. The family tree is not your battle. Your relatives can bin it, your mother can laugh or cry depending how she is feeling about it, but ultimately it is not your problem.

Really op, you may be seeing your father in a different light, now you are in your mothers position.

Maybe the heightened feelings amplifying your response?

Lawyer up with the best one you can find. Focus on your own outcome. Leave the past for now.

It is important what the people around you are saying during a split. ExH's best friend, who is an all round good bloke, repeatedly told him not to screw me in the divorce. Whenever either of us would get angry he would talk us down. Which meant exH got his record collection back (I was very close to selling it) and I got to buy him out of the home for a decent price (instead of him upping the price as he wanted).

Now your H feels morally vindicated and that would be hard for me to cope with from my father. Also distributing dirty family laundry to the rest of the family? He's going to look like an absolute arsehole.

Your H would have got legal advice at some point anyway and would have been told about his options for seeking a shared care arrangement. And so what if he says you're like your evil mother? You have to train yourself to look bored when he flings that at you.

Have you considered the possibility you exhibit the same negative behaviours as your mother, and this is why DF sympathises with, even sides with your DH?

I know it sounds really harsh but I'm not saying it's definitely the case, but this would be the alternative explanation to the "brotherhood" and might warrant a little soul searching on your part. This is a very painful thought so please understand I am not trying to be horrible, just putting the possibility out there.

Sometimes when DC exhibit the same negative tendencies as ex in their relationships we have to offer some support to their DP because we understand, and might be considered disloyal for it.

I'd be upset if during a difficult time in my marriage, and potentially the end of it, my dad had a little chat with my spouse which included a bit of advice re; how to get one over on the wimmin folk. Maybe your mum is right about him and has been all along, it just took a long time for his mask to slip.

It when shit things happen that you sometimes find out who your true loyal friends/family are - and it’s often a surprise.

Many years from now your Dad will be old and infirm - I hope he’s not banking on you to run him around to medical appointments and cook him meals!

50/50 is the starting point but a child's needs must be met first so if sale of family home can't provide 2 homes the primary carer may get to stay in family home until child is 18
was the money you brought to the marriage what you had worked for or an inheritance from your mum or fathers side
surely if the money came from your father he wouldn't want the soon to be ex getting it
but to reiterate you need a lawyer and fast

Sometimes when DC exhibit the same negative tendencies as ex in their relationships we have to offer some support to their DP because we understand, and might be considered disloyal for it.

My love for my child is unconditional. So, thankfully, is my father's. Even when I'm being an utter shit. He would call me on it, but he would never side with anyone else.

Love, the minute your STBXH started looking on line, talking to friends, or seeing a solicitor he would have found out that 50/50 was a possibility.

I’m not excusing your wanker of a father, but try to take a deep breath and let that side of it go from your head. Not to forgive your father - but because you don’t need tut stress.

When your STBXH makes digs about you being like your mother? Water off a duck’s back and you KNOW it’s bollocks and he’s after a rise. Grey rock technique - google it.

Distance yourself from your dad.
Accept that he hasn’t made it worse.
Grey rock to STBXH’s shit.
Lawyer up.

Good luck!

Justarandomtrycicle

Have you considered that op's mum is negative because she was married then divorced from some one less than honourable, and for two decades their kids thought the sun shone of his arse?

Oh and don’t worry about the family tree thing (how does a family tree even have pages?!).
Relatives will see him for the bitter wanker he is. Yes, they’ll possibly enjoy the JK style salacious gossip and drama - but you can ignore it, and them if you have to.

Your dad has shown himself to be an arse, but nothing he has done changes things.

Ignore him, and get on with YOUR life.

It’s

OP I completely sympathise.

My dad, who I was very close to, still visits and goes away with my ex husband. The man who raped me.

I no longer speak to my parents. Wcweyone sided with him, because he he told them all I was seeing someone else and, inexplicably, they all believe him. I have never cheated. I am completely without family, while exhs family and my family help him out.

But let's put this in perspective.

Your dad fought your mum for 50:50 as os his right to do so. Your soon to be ex's solicitor will tell him exactly the same information. Like it or not 50:50 is the starting point. For assets. And its kor a secret that mums dont always get the majority of care for the kids anymore.

Yes it feels like a betrayal. But he hasnt given him any information, that your stbex wouldn't have got very easily elsewhere.

As for the family tree, in all honesty, you may hate it but it is his business if he puts the details in. It was his marriage. I know its painful, because you felt your dad had never called your mum. But you are an adult now, this is his story and he should be allowed to tell it. I donr quiet understand why you are surprised, he feels your brother can add to it, if he wants to. That's your brothers story to tell if he wants.

I totally get that you feel hurt, that's not unreasonable. But I think you are seeing this as a bigger issue than it is, because of the stress you are under.

Its not legal to publish things on a family tree about living people without their express permission. Using online versions etc at least. Is he really intending on printing posting all this? Seems most unlikely to me.

@Springwalk I see my mother regularly but I keep her at arm's length as she's vicious and destructive. I don't want to lean on my siblings as they have their own problems. None of them need the additional stress of my father airing their dirty laundry far and wide either.

I have friends, but again don't want to lean on people as we all have our own issues.

I feel ganged up on, though I don't think my dad expected that. I think it was bad timing, as you said. I don't think he was scheming with my husband or anything like that. My dad always has incredibly bad timing in general.

But I think a general misogyny has factored into all of this and that my dad has come to visit on a mission to break this information on me first as I'm the soft touch of the family, before he moves on to my siblings who are not so nice. It's that misogyny and the bonding over it that has me so angry. And it's incredibly selfish and sad he's told me this, given the decades that have passed since my parents' divorce. Why can't he get over it without dragging me into it. It's actually no one's business.

When I told him my marriage was in the shitter and his divulgence had made things worse he didn't seem regretful at all. I think he cares only about letting it out on me. I wonder if he thinks I am exactly like my mother too.

Distance yourself from your dad.
Accept that he hasn’t made it worse.
Grey rock to STBXH’s shit.
Lawyer up.

This is amazing advice.

Your dad must have been holding onto an awful lot of bitterness and resentment to do this. I'd keep him away until you're separated if possible - can you ask him if he intends to maintain a relationship with your STBXH after you're divorced?

@Ellisandra Thanks for your post. I know he will find out about 50/50, but I'm horrified by it. I barely think he's fit to watch our son for one weekend, let alone half the time. He's just so manipulative that he convinces everyone he's the best dad in the world. It's so different behind closed doors. I even told my mum about some of the abuse some time back and she said "You should be happy to have such a good man."

Now it appears he's got both my parents on side. And his family hate me. So I feel alone in this fight.

I agree with ssd ^

I can understand that your Dad spilling all the gory details about his split and divorce from your Mum is not very pleasant for you but it sounds very much like your Dad has bottling up this information for a while and the timing of his revelations aren't directly linked to the fact that you are splitting with your DH

Presumably when yoyr Dad shares all this with your DH, he wasn't aware you were on the verge of a break up so he saw your DH as a trusted family member he could confide in

I can't see how anything your Dad has said will impact on how you and your DH end up splitting assets and child custody. It is normal now to aim for a 50/50 split where possible.

OP "But I think a general misogyny has factored into all of this and that my dad has come to visit on a mission to break this information on me first as I'm the soft touch of the family, before he moves on to my siblings who are not so nice. It's that misogyny and the bonding over it that has me so angry."

this would be NC territory for me. My father is dead now but I had to go low contact and also ordered him out of my home a couple of times. It's not pleasant but it's better than taking shit.

I understand not wanting to lean on siblings if they have other issues but I wonder if there's any potential for you to look after each other? It sounds as if your dad is on an egotistical mission to just scream at people - metaphorically - and perhaps you could all stand together?

Who is going to want to read this family tree thing anyway - how many copies does he plan to publish?

1. You didn't tell your dad the true extent so how was he suppose to know
2. Each divorce/custody hearing is different and what your dad has told him will make no difference to what the court decides.

You are going through a tough time but your dad isn't to blame. YABU

Frankly, OP, your Dad sounds a bit unhinged, publicising details of his own divorce and other people's in a family tree, not giving a shit if it hurts them. It certainly makes him sound fundamentally unpleasant - perhaps you are now only seeing this? I do feel for you in your situation but as a PP said, let any resentment over you Dad's actions go, grey rock you STBEX and get a lawyer. This too, shall pass. The best of luck to you.

@dontfuckingsaycheese
Nice bit of victim blaming there.
To all those who are wittering on about how can this affect the ops divorce, obviously it won't but now the OP's husband knows deeply personal stuff and if he is a vicious arsehole then he'll delight in tormenting the op.
namechange5001
You're father has behaved very badly, he's been very cruel and I'm not surprised you are hurt and upset. He's a grown man so he'll be ok.
Find yourself a good solicitor and fight back

I love that 50:50 is a thing now. And I know a few families where it's worked well, with dads who were already hands on and great around the house.

However, the issue is that the men that go for this often aren't hands on. They just want to punish the mothers and reduce their CM. I know of two who were literally never on their own with the children before the divorce and now their own mothers do their care. Misogynist wankers who now have the time and access to turn their sons into the same.

It's also keeping women in abusive relationships to avoid it.