Devastated - beloved dad has let me down massively at worst time possible

[namechange5001]

The past few days have been some of the hardest in my life.

My marriage is on the brink of collapse. My husband has serious anger management issues and I have finally reached breaking point. I'm hugely stressed about what separation will mean for me given we share a small DS together and for various reasons I don't want a 50/50 custody arrangement. I also brought a very significant amount of money into the relationship but stupidly have no prenup. I know things will get very nasty.

Unfortunately my dad is visiting and up until the last couple of days I was keeping it together, secretly sleeping in the spare room and I don't think he's suspected how bad it is. My husband is a very good actor and plays the doting husband and father so well. So despite the fact I've told my dad in some detail (not deep but deep enough to make him wary of what he says) about some of our marriage issues I don't think he takes them seriously.

My parents split more than two decades ago and while my mother is quick to make nasty comments about him, he's always refrained and I've greatly appreciated this quality in him.

However, this all changed the other night when he told me details about their split and how he fought her and her lawyer for 50/50 and half the assets in court and won. Really nasty stuff no one needs to know. Not sure how true any of his claims are. My mum has always been pretty nasty, but he's not an easy person either in many ways. Doesn't really matter though, does it. What happened with their marriage affected us kids at the time and we shouldn't have to know the gory details now or ever.

I was shocked at the fact he was letting it out after so long, only to find he intends to publish these details in our family tree that he's been working on for many years FFS. A copy of which will go to all relatives.

Worse still is the fact it turns out he told all this to my husband first without me knowing, who then used it against me when we sat down yesterday to battle it out about the issues in our marriage and will continue to use it against me forever. It seems they bonded over this. The very thing that could see me - his daughter - end up totally screwed in a divorce.

Tonight I asked my dad why he did this. Why he told my husband, why he told me, and why he intends to publish all these sordid details for the world to see. I told him my marriage is on the rocks and my husband has and will use this information as ammunition against me. He kept saying "You had a right to know." But he didn't have any real answer. I suggested he was motivated by belated revenge. He was struck dumb. I've never spoken to him like this. Then he lost his temper and stormed off. I suspect he will disappear into the night and I'll be left to worry about his welfare. We have never fought like this. Not even slightly.

I'm so angry. AIBU. Help.

@Icandothisallday I'm so sorry to hear your story. Really. I have no words. Not sure if your XH really believed you cheated or just totally made it up to screw with you but my husband has been suspicious since we met and regularly accuses me of cheating. He even got his family involved once so I had to fend for myself as they all attacked me for something I didn't even do. Soul destroying.

It's not so much the family tree thing that upsets me the most. I would not be at all surprised if what he said about my mum was true. But it adds another shitty dimension to things and has basically made me lose faith in the last man I thought had any integrity.

I have been through many extremely difficult situations in my life and have tried to maintain my integrity through them. Thought I had learned that from my dad but that's shot to shit now if he wants to publish details of his nasty split with my mum and come up with a feeble excuse about it being "Your right to know", rather than "I can't let go of the past".

So I don't think I'm wrong for being majorly pissed off with him. And if my dad who has kept mum all these years can do something so nasty, WTF will my husband who has very little integrity do...?

When the dust has settled can you not discuss this with your dad? Make him understand his words are damaging his grandchildren? If he stays in contact with your stbx I would at least try to salvage this rather than have them both pitted against you. It may not work. Whatever happens, shame on your father. His loyalties should be with his child and grandchildren.

It’s the most disappointing moment when we realise our Dads are not the beloved, protective force we thought they were, and moreover it is just so typical that this would happen when you most need him. He is not going to be the rock you need him to be, and it has exposed his sexism.
Big girls pants on, you don’t need them op. You can do this alone and be strong. Your friends may want to be there for you, give them the option by telling them at least.

Your father is not your hero, he is fallible. Bitter and sad about his own life.
I suspect you will feel much better when you have heal advice, and when your ex h has gone, and you can move on. Be glad you have choices, be glad you are not stuck in this loveless marriage.

Strive to do better than your parents for your child, by making it all as painless as possible for your child.

Start to look to the future, beyond your parents petty squabbles and the ex h, lift your eyes and look onwards and upwards, so that you can see where you want to be, and how you might get there. You really would be happier without these people contaminating your life.

I was in a very similar situation when I was breaking up with EXDH (father of my child)

Essentially him and another very close family member on my side bonded over a 'secret' without me knowing, then told me afterwards. He also used it against me afterwards.

Luckily I had good loyal friends around me at the time to help. But everyone on EXDH side and that one family member on my side all were completely taken in by his lies and manipulative behaviours.

I think you should get in contact with your local women's aid. Support and help is really important at this time, for you and so that you can get more than 50/50 of the child.
It really does sound like the child will be better off with you as much as possible.

Sorry but I don't understand this. I thought when couples split up things were always divided 50/50? Most couples I know seem to have done this.

I agree with this. If your dad got 50/50 custody, you were obviously aware of that, since you would have spent half of your time with him. A 50/50 split of the assets seems fair as well. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to have fought your mother to get these things. I don't know what he actually said, but this all seems pretty standard to me.

It's weird to put it in a family tree, though.

It won't affect what arrangement your husband will be able to get. Surely your husband was already aware that 50/50 custody was a possibility, unless he lives under a rock.

@Springwalk Thank you. Feel much better after reading that.

Start making solicitors appointments. Take advantage of free consultations with the very best in your area. If they've advised you in any way, then your husband can't use them. Get wise, play the game. X

I genuinely don't understand the misogyny point because it sounds like you think he thinks you are a soft touch because you are a daughter and your siblings are sons? But your mother is a woman and it sounds like she's a vicious bitch that everyone is afraid of so I'm not sure that people thinking you are a soft touch is related to gender.

To be honest, it sounds like you've always associated "integrity" with basically putting up with abuse quietly. Your father suffered in silence (you admit) as your mother did terrible things to him. You have suffered in silence whilst your DH and ils and mother have done terrible things to you. You thought your father would understand and respect you choosing to do the same.

Instead he's bitter and angry and trying to blast your mother years later.
You're now afraid you are going to turn into him. You used to be afraid of turning into your mother and probably leaned towards your father. But if he's angry then what is there?

You need therapy to find out who you are when you're not dodging your mum or dad's personalities.

What a horrid situation for you.. Reading through your thread, these things spring to mind.

1. your dad going off in a huff - he is big enough and mean enough to look after himself. Ignore.
2. Your dad publishing some gossip on a family tree website. It will look ridiculous. Its mean and people will see it that way. Also its not going into the Times. The audience will be fairly limited. Most people who see it will just think he is very odd to put comments like this. I think this is something you should push to one side and not worry about. What does your brother think? Can you have a talk to him without your brother or your husband butting in.
3. your dad is not helping you. Take a step back. Put all these issues to one side, they are not as important as sorting out the rest of your life. I get that this makes you feel really lonely. but a pp have said, get lawyered up asap and find out the actual facts before you worry about things that may not be the case. You won't feel half as bad once you have someone knowledgable in your corner. See if you can see someone to give advice and support and to be able to talk through your worries for you too. Be kind to yourself and best of luck

Let your dad do whatever he likes with your family. You have bigger fish to fry.
Get a lawyer!
All money put into a marriage, is thought to be communal 50/50. And the court will divide as they see fair. Every divorce is different, get a lawyer!
I’m sorry that you feel your dad has let you down. But instead of worrying about it now, just think of him as human and deal with that fallout last.
I understand how you feel with the divorce, just do what’s right for you......you DH will and with little concern for your son.
I wish you well x

4. You need someone. Those friends you don't want to burden? Would you listen to them? If you would, respect them enough to be vulnerable.

Oh and I dont think integrity is the word you're looking for. I think the word you are thinking of is "dignity". You both suffered in dignified silence. I dont think that's a good thing.

Your mum and dads divorce is a separate issue to yours. Dont let that over concern you.
You know that your STBEX says things deliberately to hurt you so why let it? Why let him see that it bothers you? Just say 'oh that old chestnut! Are you still going on about my mother?' and leave it there. It'll wind him up that you don't give shit about his comments or I'd go the other way ( depending on the husband) and snarl ' I'm exactly like my mother so fuck off and dont dare cross me) you'll know which will work best.The issue is your Dh knows what your weakness is. Well stop being terrified and start fighting back. Easier said but you have to have your own back here!!
Leave your dad to be with his family tree project. Who us going to be interested in a Joe Pubic article? It's another thing I'd be laughing off ( although angry inside ) and playing it down.

Your best thing now is a bloody good solicitor.
Good luck.

Op use this as a springboard to make changes and start the process by speaking to a lawyer.

namechange5001 thank you. I think k at times my ex did think I was cheating. Genuinely believed it.

But, He was following me all over the place by the time we split up. He knew I wasnt cheating. That I was always where I said I was going to be. He linked my phone to my his laptop and uses to to through it all, all the time. He worked for himself and turned out he hasnr done much work for the last 6 months. Just spent all day stalking me.

My mum has also exhibited these behaviours to my dad (the stalking, following etc) so I wasnt surprised mum thought it wasnt a big deal. But I was surprised my dad, thought I was over reacted and left for someone else.

Yes, you have every right to be upset. You definitely do. Your dad isnt who you thought he was. It bloody hurts. But it's his story to tell. As much as it hurts, that he is going to do it.

I just think you need to take a step back and realise this doesnt have to impact you as much as you think. Your dad hasnt told him anything a solicitor wont.

Their divorce is their divorce. As painful as it is to see written down, its upto him.

And yes, its God damn lonely when your realise the people who support you, that you thought you knew would support you, dont. When you dont have a family who have your back.

But, a few years on, I have my own family. My best friend is like my sister, her mother is like my mother, her kids are my nieces and nephews. My ds calls her aunty. I have a dp, my own home (dp doesnt live with us) and life is good.

Even without support, I made it. You will too. x

It's appalling your dad has done this and you must be very angry and rightly so.

Please do not allow this anger with your dad, and his ultra shitty behaviour to cloud the situation for you.

I agree with Aquamarine1029 "Get the best solicitor you can find as soon as possible. Before your husband does."

My friend entered a marriage with a home and despite no pre-nup she was able to take the amount the home was worth out of the marriage when she left. I have no idea how, but explore it all with a solicitor and do not allow your understandable anger with your dad to cloud your judgment in your own family.

Is your husband safe to have care of your son, is he an angry man who should not be looking after a small child? if so make sure you get the best situation for your son.

Please take all the usual precautions of hiding your plans etc so that your husband cannot harm you.

Now, might be a good time to reevaluate your relationship with your mum. Maybe what you saw as her being 'nasty' was actually your mum warning you what your dad was like.

Look out for yourself and your son, lean on your good friends (if you don't have good friends now, make some new ones so you will have people who can listen and maybe help if needed).

And be very careful not to listen too closely or give too much credence to your STBEX, it’s in his interest ms to turn the knife and hurt you in any way he can, even weaponising your father. Shrug and look indifferent to whatever he says. Grey rock all the way. Remember anyone can twist anything with the right mixture of imagination.

"your judgment in your own family." I mean you and your child.

Dontfuckingsaycheese "But you hid the severity of your situation from your dad - pretty successfully with the secret sleeping in the spare room. Maybe if he knew he wouldn't have done this?? You can't 100% blame him for doing this sharing which is so harmful because of the context, when he didn't know the context."

The OP's dad told the OP's husband family stuff before he told the OP. That to me is a really horrible thing to do.

So pleased I was able to make you feel a tiny bit better. It will be okay op. Calm and clear thinking, and the best lawyer ready to fight your corner and some. If they are not enthusiastic, animated and very keen to get you everything possible and more. Look elsewhere. Do your homework.

ssd "Of course your dh will fight for custody doesn't most dad's want 50/50 custody?"

Not all dad's have 50/50 custody or whatever it is called these days. It's not necessarily good for a child to split their time equally between two homes (IMHO and I am pretty sure I am not the only one who sees this as problematic especially for young kids).

Also the OP has said "My husband has serious anger management issues and I have finally reached breaking point." So it may be that he is not very good at looking after a small child 50% of the time.

"I have friends, but again don't want to lean on people as we all have our own issues." Sometimes we do need to relly on friends, just for support etc.

The family tree 'statement' will just make your dad look like a bitter vindictive unhinged ex, so let him mess up his public profile (for a limited audience!) like that if he wants. It doesn't reflect on you.

Big girls pants on, you don’t need them op. You can do this alone and be strong. Your friends may want to be there for you, give them the option by telling them at least

This, absolutely this OP. Get support from friends, ie your family of choice. Your biological family don't control or define you.

Try some reverse psychology on your STBX. Tell him you're really glad he wants your son 50% of the time. It will give you lots of opportunity to go on lots of dates and find a new man. I'll bet he's not so keen on that idea.

I think your afraid that your dh will act even worse than your dad as he's not such a nice person as your dad. But maybe he's worried you'll be like your mum, who sounds pretty awful?
Either way, it's a different day and age to when your parents divorced, so try not to let what's happening cloud your judgement too much.
I still don't get why your dad wants to put his divorce details on a family tree, but really, it's not getting spread far and wide, it's getting shared with family who might already know some of what's happened, and they are family anyway.

I'm still missing the point if your anger here, your dad is finally letting his feelings out and you are mad he's not supporting you. Maybe he feels let down by you, who knows. But try to get a lawyer anyway and stop letting your parents divorce that probably happened years ago affect you so much.

@Justaboy and others who talk about 50/50 and how my husband can use this as ammunition. I am worried because my dad DID win 50/50. He showed it was possible. Up until this point I think my husband thought if we divorced it would be more like every second weekend or so, but this has twigged him to see that 50/50 is possible.

You REALLY need to talk to the best Solicitor you can find and do i t now!

This 50/0 isn't quite as simple a sum as it sounds its to do with allocation rights of housing and property.

I expect that you will keep the house and get mainitance from him for the child involved very muchh expect you will get the child to stay with you and what access rights the father has are yet to be worked out.

But as said get the legal profession invoved never mind all this other crap re familty tree etc and your turncoat dad its YOU and your DC that matter now!.

Have a read of this site a lot of usefull info there.

www.divorce.co.uk/

www.divorce.co.uk/divorce-resources

www.divorce.co.uk/divorce-resources/divorce-advice-videos