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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask him to have a vasectomy?

75 replies

Yekrats · 15/05/2019 20:25

My OH (40) and I (30) have just had our second child, and our eldest is turning two in a month. We do not want any more children, I personally hated being pregnant and do not really enjoy the newborn stuff. The toddler years aren't exactly breezing by but they are preferable to having a newborn.
Anyway, I don't want to go back on the pill as I have had enough with my hormones being messed around, I also do not want the coil or implant for similar reasons. I feel that my body has been through enough battering with years of contraception followed by two pregnancies close together. Now I need to give it the time to just be. Condoms are of course an option but they just remind me of being a teenager and fumbling around in the dark not knowing what on earth I am doing.
I also feel that with all forms of contraception the onus is on me to sort it all out and I absolutely cannot be arsed with it all anymore. DC1 came about due to my poor management of these issues (not that I am complaining or would do it any differently now!)
So, is it unreasonable to expect my OH to have the snip? I get that this is permanent whereas the other methods aren't, but are there any other side effects?
Does any women whose OH have had a vasectomy noticed any difference for them at all?

OP posts:
iVampire · 15/05/2019 20:28

It’s very unreasonable to expect him to have surgery to permanently remove his fertility.

His body, his choice.

It’s not unreasonable to ask

necesitodormirahora · 15/05/2019 20:28

You can’t make anyone do anything to their body.

Ask him and if he says yes, go for it. If he says no, no.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2019 20:29

I would hope that your husband would be happy to get a vasectomy given everything you've had to contend with. It's a very small ask. I know loads of women whose husbands had vasectomies and they all say there is no difference at all. Sperm actually makes up very little of ejaculate. My husband has said that male friends of his who got one notice nothing different.

IAmTheChosenOne · 15/05/2019 20:31

You can ask but its you that doesn't want any more children, so really you should get sterilised. I don't think its right to take away any opportunity from your DH.

Karwomannghia · 15/05/2019 20:31

YANBU at all. I asked mine but he said no though, so I got sterilised.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/05/2019 20:32

It’s not unreasonable to ask. It’s unreasonable to expect him to.

necesitodormirahora · 15/05/2019 20:33

@Aquamarine1029
It’s not that of a small ask. A smaller ask than sterilisation, sure. A small ask, no. It’s a permanent form of contraception. It’s expensive to reverse. If they were to break up and OH wanted to have kids with his new partner that would cause unnecessary effort, time and money. It seems OP is the one who doesn’t want anymore kids. These are the things OH needs to weigh up.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2019 20:39

@necesitodormirahora

Thanks for stating the obvious. Confused

necesitodormirahora · 15/05/2019 20:40

@Aquamarine1029
Doesn’t seem at all obvious to you now, does it ?Smile

I would hope that your husband would be happy to get a vasectomy given everything you've had to contend with. It's a very small ask.

Purpleartichoke · 15/05/2019 20:41

It should be his turn. You obviously can’t force him, but if you are both truly done, a decent guy will finally take the birth control burden from his partner.

Chocolateisoverrated · 15/05/2019 20:45

YANBU to ask but if he doesn’t want to then don’t take it personally or complain!
I don’t know many people men or women who’d want to be sterilised even if they were done having kids!
I know I wouldn’t want to have the option removed and certainly wouldn’t want to go under the knife for it regardless of success of reversal rates/recovery rates etc

Langrish · 15/05/2019 20:47

Hmm, not sure. Don’t suppose it’s unreasonable to ask. It would be unreasonable to be angry if he said no.

Fiveredbricks · 15/05/2019 20:49

If he is 100% certain he doesnt want kids then yes he should get one. And at 40, lets be honest if you broke up in five or 10 years he's hardly going to want a newborn at 45 or 50 is he?

Jsmith99 · 15/05/2019 20:50

Yes, it is completely unreasonable. Just as it would be completely unreasonable for him to ask you to be surgically sterilised.

If you don’t want more children, you need to use a method of contraception which you can both agree on.

adaline · 15/05/2019 20:54

I don't think it is reasonable to expect someone to have life-altering surgery, actually. Vasectomies don't always go smoothly and sometimes they have lifelong consequences - infection, pain and discomfort to name but a few.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/05/2019 20:56

It was the best thing ever for our sex life, its amazing how much more fun you can have when you know you won't get pregnant.

hibbledibble · 15/05/2019 20:59

Yes it would be unreasonable to expect him to do so.

It's not unreasonable to have a discussion and consider what option suits you both best.

What hadn't been mentioned yet is that vasectomies can have serious side effects including chronic testicular pain.

MrsJamin · 15/05/2019 20:59

It is a brilliant brilliant thing to do but it's his choice,his body. Dh had his when our children were similar ages and its been one of the best decisions we've ever made.

jacks11 · 15/05/2019 21:23

YANBU to ask, YABVU to expect or demand your DH to have a vasectomy.

Vasectomies have lower failure rate and are less invasive than female sterilisation and for many men are completely straightforward and no long-term complications. However, there are risks, the most problematic being chronic pain. This can range from mild discomfort to severe, constant pain affecting quality of life- incidence ranging from around 1 in 7 for the former to 1 in 20 for the latter (according to British association of urological surgeons). And you do have to consider the permanency of the procedure too.

My view is that it is clear that you need to find a mutually agreeable firm of contraception and it would not be unreasonable to bring up vasectomy as part of that discussion of your options. It would not be unreasonable to ask him to consider having a vasectomy given that you are reluctant to use hormonal contraception and are not keen on barrier contraception. BUT you should be prepared to accept it if he says no.

YWBVU to demand or expect your husband to undergo a surgical procedure with the associated risks and which removes his fertility permanently (or likely to be permanent- reversal not guaranteed and has to be paid for privately). Just as he would be totally unreasonable to expect/demand you undergo sterilisation or use hormonal contraception when you don’t want to. Works both ways.

Original poster
Yekrats · 15/05/2019 21:41

Some very helpful points here.
I am BU to expect him to do this. Part of me does expect him to, but I really shouldn't be. It is his body and it is his choice, just as I can choose to use protection, choose sterilisation or to abstain from sex.
I was not aware of the side effects...chronic pain is certainly not something I would wish on anyone!
Thanks for the input here tonight.

OP posts:
Ratatatouille · 15/05/2019 21:52

Going against the grain, I don't think it's unreasonable, no. Presumably your DH is not willing to settle for celibacy, and neither are you. Which means that the options are either he expects you to continue taking hormonal contraceptives (it sounds like you don't get on well with these), he expects you to have major and potentially life threatening sterilisation surgery, or he expects you to bear the risk of an unwanted pregnancy with all the potential health implications. Given that you have already risked your health to bring two children into the world, I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to expect him to take on this risk, when the alternatives involve yet more risk for you.

I'm going to be in your exact position when we are done adding to our family and quite honestly I would be reconsidering our marriage if DH refused a vesctomy because I do not wish to become celibate in my 40s and am done being the only one taking risks with my health for the sake of our sex life.

ItsWitchingTime · 15/05/2019 22:14

You don't have to become celabate though do you Ratatatouille and neither does the op, there are other contraceptive methods but you can't go around expecting your other half to have a surgery they don't want

Ratatatouille · 16/05/2019 23:52

No form of contraception is 100% reliable and as the female partner all the risk associated with an unwanted pregnancy falls to OP.

Hithere12 · 16/05/2019 23:56

YABU. You could dump him in six months, he could meet someone in her thirties who wants kids and he’s now permanently sterile because you don’t want to use condoms.

You should get sterilised if it’s that important.

OwlinaTree · 16/05/2019 23:58

Copper coil is non hormonal.