To ask him to have a vasectomy?

[Yekrats]

My OH (40) and I (30) have just had our second child, and our eldest is turning two in a month. We do not want any more children, I personally hated being pregnant and do not really enjoy the newborn stuff. The toddler years aren't exactly breezing by but they are preferable to having a newborn.
Anyway, I don't want to go back on the pill as I have had enough with my hormones being messed around, I also do not want the coil or implant for similar reasons. I feel that my body has been through enough battering with years of contraception followed by two pregnancies close together. Now I need to give it the time to just be. Condoms are of course an option but they just remind me of being a teenager and fumbling around in the dark not knowing what on earth I am doing.
I also feel that with all forms of contraception the onus is on me to sort it all out and I absolutely cannot be arsed with it all anymore. DC1 came about due to my poor management of these issues (not that I am complaining or would do it any differently now!)
So, is it unreasonable to expect my OH to have the snip? I get that this is permanent whereas the other methods aren't, but are there any other side effects?
Does any women whose OH have had a vasectomy noticed any difference for them at all?

I wouldn't expect dh to do it, and actually wouldn't want him to as the risks of long term pain are too high.

But I'm older than the OP, I'm pregnant now with our last child and by the time I've finished with the pregnancy and breastfeeding I'll be pushing 40 so whatever contraceptive solution we use it will only be a few more years until it doesn't become a problem any more.

But the op is much younger and has more years of fertility left.

I think you should discuss it as an option but I don't think anything like this should be expected of someone. Women complain about being responsible for contraception, it is valid to be annoyed as it's irritating there's no male pill equivalent. But no one forced them to take the pill and I know friends who have refused to use the pill so they use condoms and that's just accepted.

Just about to give birth to our second daughter and husband is having the snip in August. I am refusing to go on any form of contraception and my husband hates condoms so a vasectomy is our only option. I've used enough contraception over the years, had my body ruined twice (two c sections) and both of us don't want any more children. I didn't demand my husband have a vasectomy but I pretty much gave him the option of condoms or the snip. I personally love condoms (no mess 🙌🏽) 😂

OH opinion on it is that he won't even talk about it!
I have brought up the subject and he instantly grabs his manhood in a protective manner and pulls a grimace followed by a "No no no no no"!
This isn't exactly a conversation...yet. I think he is just unwilling to tamper with his "goods" but we haven't discussed what we will do if we do get pregnant.
A friend of mine suggested using something like Natural Cycles. Has anyone had any experience of using this?
I would rather have as much of a non-invasive, non-hormonal solution to this as possible but I know that one of us has to do something...

If he won’t, you could give a copper coil a go. If you don’t like it you can get it taken out. I’ve had them for years (pre and post baby), never had heavier periods. I hated hormonal contraception too.

Plenty of women risk getting blood clots, mood changes/depression, weight gain, irregular periods etc etc for YEARS taking hormonal contraception, and I'll bet very few men really even consider that. Not to mention the effects of pregnancy.

So whilst obviously it's his choice what to do with his body, I also think it is incredibly selfish to just expect the woman in the relationship to go through everything whilst he himself makes no sacrifices.

CallItLonliness,
I'll have a look when I'm back in work, I thought there was one that found their rate to be higher than average, but I don't specifically remember if it was corrected for stopping hormones, which is a good theory, I've met a few women who ended up choosing to try a mirena anyway to help with the bleeding, which must have been very frustrating having thought they had found a good contraceptive solution and gone ahead with the operation! I know we consent ladies including it as a risk, but I guess even a hypothetical risk might make its way into the usual chat about potential outcomes, I'd certainly rather it was raised with me if I was making the decision, the potential would put me off tbh, which feels very unscientific 😂🙈

Natural methods can work very well for some people but are reliant on quite a high degree of discipline and skill from the participants. Personally I wouldn't use it if it were imperative I not get pregnant.

If he's unwilling to discuss vasectomy at all then tbh I'd not be having PIV sex until an adult discussion has been had, and he doesnt just get to say no and then make it your problem while PIV continues either. Plenty of other ways to get your rocks off.

Yes I'd definitely take PIV sex off the table if he's going to be a big manchild and not discuss it sensibly.

What we really need is a male pill

There is one. Unfortunately they had to abandon the clinical trials as men couldn't cope with the same side effects that women have been putting up with for years.

I have brought up the subject and he instantly grabs his manhood in a protective manner and pulls a grimace followed by a "No no no no no"!

I would actually be really pissed off if, having put myself through the physical and emotional wringer of pregnancy and giving birth to his DC, this was my DH's immature response to being asked to consider putting himself through just a fraction of the discomfort that I'd endured.

Really whatever the situation, its probably not a great idea to be shagging someone you can't have a grown up discussion about contraception with. Be you teenagers or old marrieds.

We had DC 2 a few months ago and both agreed we don't want anymore children.
I've been taking the Pill for almost 20 years (excluding TTC) and I'm not prepared to accept the risks or side effects associated with hormonal contraception any longer. I told DH that since I've taken sole responsibility for contraception for our entire relationship, not to mention carrying and giving birth to two children, I feel my body has suffered enough. So his choices were condoms, a vasectomy or no more sex basically. He hates condoms (I don't mind them personally) so he's getting a vasectomy. After two high risk, complicated pregnancies followed by traumatic births, I refuse to feel guilty about it. It's his turn.

You've nothing to feel guilty about.

he has the right to say no, and you guys will have to rely on condones if contraception options dont suit you.

So the ultimate solution is for the female partner to bear all of the risk then? If there is an unwanted pregnancy it will be the woman who has to endure pregnancy and childbirth (or abortion) and all of the potentially life changing health implications of those things. Around 10% of women are left with lifelong birth injuries according to some estimates. It's also very likely that the impact of another child in terms of childcare and subsequent damage to career will fall primarily to the mother.

Women complain about being responsible for contraception...But no one forced them to take the pill

Again, it is the female partner who bears all of the risks associated with an unwanted pregnancy. Women are "forced" to take hormonal contraceptives (ideally I'm conjunction with condoms) if they want to avoid an unwanted pregnancy and major surgery in the form of sterilisation. Men do not face any of the bodily risks associated with contraceptive failure.

Seems of these arguments would make sense if pregnancies were somehow jointly carried by both partners and both partners bore the same health risks as a result of pregnancy and hormonal contraception. They don't. If my husband (after being perfectly happy for me to endure two difficult pregnancies and C sections, years of horrible side effects from hormonal contraception including increased risks of breast cancer and blood clots) was not willing to remove the need for me to further risk my health with more contraception or unwanted pregnancies by having a vasectomy, then that would signal to me that he felt my role was as a brood mare/sexual servant and he was too important to take on any of those risks himself.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery
There is one. Unfortunately they had to abandon the clinical trials as men couldn't cope with the same side effects that women have been putting up with for years.

Not entirely true. When you actually look up the reasons why the trials were stopped it was much more serious.

@FluffingFeathers I had an ablation to deal with my dysfunctional bleeding, but mine started after I had my first child and not when I had a tubal (during the section I needed for my second). I had completely reasonable periods for a year and a half trying to get pregnant with my first, and once I had him boom, period hell, which makes me wonder if SOME dysfunctional bleeding is somehow related to childbearing too.

Ask him if he'd consider it. My dh skipped out the door for his 15 years ago and has suffered no side effects other than a regular sex life since! His Dr wanted to see us both at the initial appointment, presumably as we were relatively young and as I use a different surgery they didn't have our 2 children on record.. If you don't ask how he feels about vasectomies you'll never know!
As an aside, two male family members who were totally opposed both changed their minds very quickly after accidental additions to their families arrived over the age of 40!! 😂

Missed your last post, he sounds immature..

I hear you OP we are done also and have been starting to have a chat about DH having a vasectomy. He is also 40, me 30 and our youngest is 4, I don’t want to go back to the baby stage and am sick of pumping my body with hormones. I’ve tried a few different methods of contraception and every one leads to my libido leaving rapidly which is annoying as well.

I wouldn’t force him to have one but we are talking about it

If you don't care about an invasive procedure you could get sterilized?

She probably couldn't unless they can afford it privately. Few trusts fund female sterilisation now, what with vasectomy being so much easier and cheaper for them to do.

MY DH had the snip just after his 40th birthday. He and I didn't any more children and it is less invasive for the man to be sterilised than the woman (can be done at GP surgery). We have noticed no difference to our sex life apart from that now I am off all my contraception my periods are a bit haywire (I have PCOS). We saw GP, expressed desire to have it and was booked to have it done. DH was sore for a few days afterwards but recovered and healed very quickly.

YANBU to discuss the options for your contraception going forward - whether that is him getting the snip or you remaining on the pill/abstaining etc - but you would BU to expect him to have the snip against his wishes.

My dh had a vasectomy without a second thought. Our family was complete so thought what is the point in me filling my body with hormones and possibly falling pregnant. Spoke to the nurse about sterilisation and she said a vasectomy is better as it's less likely to reverse itself and an easier procedure. So he got it happily. However it's been six years and I'm sick fed up of having a period and the mood swings and cramps and bloating and migraines so do wish I'd just got a coil (but he didn't want me to as he use to feel uncomfortable because of the strings which he said were more like being jagged by wires).

Does the NHS still offer Essure sterilisation - where they insert these metal spiral implants which create scar tissue and block the Fallopian tubes. It's a lot less hassle than male vasectomy. I had it done when I decided I was done having children.

I get why so many people are anti female sterilisation. When you've had children as a couple and one person has mostly been responsible for preventing unwanted pregnancy it feels like a man could do his bit once a family is complete.

But the truth is that man is as entitled to say he wants more dc as a woman is to say that she doesn't want to be pregnant ever again. And to me, the one who makes that decision is the one who needs to take that permanent step.

Vasectomies have just as many risks as sterilisation. There is still a risk of failure. They are just as invasive. Either party is going to suffer some discomfort from it.

But essure is done under a local anaesthetic. Recovery (for me) was over the course of a day - aches rather than pain and not nothing otc pain relief didn't fell with. I'm sure there is still the possibility of failure. But at least that won't be because cut tubes have reconnected. It will be because the implants moved prior to effective scar tissue forming.

And ultimately, the reason so many vasectomies fail is because men don't follow up with samples when they should and therefore it would be picked up. Women don't have the option of providing a sample to show whether they are sterile in the same way.

Years ago, my husband had a vasectomy at the age of 34, our second child was 8 years old. My doctor had advised me to stop taking the contraceptive pill 2 years previously. We used other contraception methods and then my husband said he would have a vasectomy as he was adamant he did not want more children, his choice. He had a little discomfort for a few days but he was fine and has had no issues arising from the vasectomy.

After your last post...geez he sounds like a second toddler.

He was happy for you to push 2 babies out of your vagina but is ever so precious about his own sex organs.

Why would you even want to have sex with someone who acts like that? If you stopped then you won't need birth control.