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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask him to have a vasectomy?

75 replies

Yekrats · 15/05/2019 20:25

My OH (40) and I (30) have just had our second child, and our eldest is turning two in a month. We do not want any more children, I personally hated being pregnant and do not really enjoy the newborn stuff. The toddler years aren't exactly breezing by but they are preferable to having a newborn.
Anyway, I don't want to go back on the pill as I have had enough with my hormones being messed around, I also do not want the coil or implant for similar reasons. I feel that my body has been through enough battering with years of contraception followed by two pregnancies close together. Now I need to give it the time to just be. Condoms are of course an option but they just remind me of being a teenager and fumbling around in the dark not knowing what on earth I am doing.
I also feel that with all forms of contraception the onus is on me to sort it all out and I absolutely cannot be arsed with it all anymore. DC1 came about due to my poor management of these issues (not that I am complaining or would do it any differently now!)
So, is it unreasonable to expect my OH to have the snip? I get that this is permanent whereas the other methods aren't, but are there any other side effects?
Does any women whose OH have had a vasectomy noticed any difference for them at all?

OP posts:

MyDcAreMarvel · 17/05/2019 00:01

Copper coil can cause horrendous problems with depression , mood etc. It affects women in the same was a hormonal contraceptives.

MyDcAreMarvel · 17/05/2019 00:01

*way as

Maddiemoosmum0203 · 17/05/2019 00:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CaptainCabinets · 17/05/2019 00:23

@Maddie your dog

HazelNutinEveryBite · 17/05/2019 00:36

My Dh had a vasectomy in his early thirties after our 2 children. At the time I was the one who wasn't keen, but he was quite determined that HE did not want more children. DH simply said that he did not want to go through the child rearing years again, regardless of who he was with. We stayed together and it was the right decision, mainly because DH was so set on it.

We talked and I pointed out that there were other methods of contraception available. I also pointed out that if our relationship did not last he might regret not being able to father his own children at a later time. I left him to make the decision for himself, making it clear that sterilisation was not an option for me, unless I chose this myself.

Many men make this decision at an early age and live to regret it. Equally, I was not prepared to be sterilised myself, but happy to use contraception. It has to be an individual decision.

Trebla · 17/05/2019 00:38

You have every right to discuss options, with this being a viable option unless he rejects it. Much as you have the right not o take birth control that messes with you. I'm sure there is a conversation and compromise to be had that suits you both.

FlutteringFeathers · 17/05/2019 01:13

I can't find a reliable source that suggests there are mood issues with the copper coil, I'm interested to read any articles that show an association there. It is associated with heavier menstrual flow, so certainly isn't going to suit everyone due to that, I loved having no periods at all with my mirena coil.
Just to add to the useful info mentioned above that consideration should be given to the potential long term consequences of a vasectomy in terms of pain, with female surgical sterilisation there's a significant increased amount of problematic/dysfunctional uterine bleeding particularly in the 40s age range (not just those who get the sterilisation then but that the issue can only raise its head later), so neither one to be taken lightly.
I hope you find the solution that fits for yourself and your partner!

CallItLoneliness · 17/05/2019 01:31

FlutteringFeathers can you point me to some peer reviewed work on abnormal bleeding post-sterilisation? I'm curious as I have seen various case reports, but much of it has been put down to women going off hormonal contraception post sterilisation, and I sort of wonder if this is one of those areas where women aren't being heard.

wombat1a · 17/05/2019 01:41

Sorry but you are BVU, something like 10% of men suffer long-term pain from the procedure. Those are odds that I wouldn't find acceptable for my DH when there are other alternatives available. What we really need is a male pill.

SD1978 · 17/05/2019 02:39

It's not unreasonable to ask- and also not unreasonable for him to ask you to get your tubes tied instead. Neither of you 'have' to have a surgical procedure and if he doesn't want to, he has the right to say no, and you guys will have to rely on condones if contraception options dont suit you.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/05/2019 03:09

As PP's have said, there's nothing wrong with raising the option and finding out how he feels about it. If he's sure that he doesn't want anymore children, he might be perfectly willing to have the snip.

That was the case with my DH. Neither of us wanted more children so we discussed the options. First I tried coils but my body kept expelling them and my doctor said I clearly wasn't suited to them. I was quite willing to be sterilised, but we were advised that a vasectomy is a simpler procedure so DH decided to have one. No problems at all and everything's in full working order. I know a certain percentage do experience pain/after-effects, but DH knows a few people who've had it done and they're all fine.

SnowsInWater · 17/05/2019 03:57

DH had a vasectomy a couple of weeks after our third child was born. He was supposed to have it after our second but we hadn't got round to sorting it 😁

Seriously though, he never saw it as a big deal and it certainly didn't make any difference to our sex life. He was 36.

QueenofmyPrinces · 17/05/2019 06:14

My husband is adamant that he doesn’t want more children. I would love another one but I have accepted it isn’t going to happen.

After decades of being on contraception I am done. Due to a health condition I have I can only use the Mirena, which I have been doing for the last ten years before and inbetween our children being born. I don’t get on with it at all but I had no other option really.

After the birth of our second one I told DH that if he was adamant he didn’t want more children then after ten years together, it’s his turn to take responsibility for contraception and I asked him to have a vasectomy. To cut a very long story he won’t, and he doesn’t like condoms and so we don’t have PIV sex.

I’ve told him to consider what position I would be in if I got pregnant.... would he expect me to terminate a pregnancy even though he knows I would love another baby? Or do I have a baby that I know he doesn’t want?

He just sort of shrugs his shoulders.

It’s his choice to not want a vasectomy and that’s fine. It’s my choice not to put myself in a position where pregnancy cannot occur.

It’s me that will have to deal with the consequences should a pregnancy occur and so if he won’t have a vasectomy then no PIV sex is the outcome.

Giantsbane · 17/05/2019 06:32

Yanbu to have a discussion with him about it but you would be if you just expected it.

I had some problems with pain and irregular bleeding in between my two pregnancies which led to a health scare but turned out to be due to my contraception, so anyway we had a bit of a chat at that point as I really wasn't keen on using contraception again myself. 3m after dd2 was born he happily had the snip. He had bad pain for three/four days and then mild pain for another week or so. No problems at all since then. He didn't think it a big deal mind, he didn't want anymore kids

Hithere12 · 17/05/2019 07:16

I can't find a reliable source that suggests there are mood issues with the copper coil

🙄 that’s not really stuff that pharmaceutical companies tend to advertise. There will be many people online who say they’ve had terrible experiences, are they lying??! I’m one of them and wouldn’t touch the thing again.

And even if it’s just very heavy bleeding (which I had along with extreme stress and anxiety, I had no idea it was the coil until I had it removed and was happy again) you think that that’s healthy? To lose 3x the amount of blood you would have? You think that’s completely natural and fine?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/05/2019 07:20

If you ar then one that's fine and can't manage contraception properly then you should get sterilised.

You could ask him but you can't force or make the choice for him just because it's the easier option for you.

Giantsbane · 17/05/2019 07:27

On a whole male sterilisation is a much easier procedure with fewer long term effects.

Mummaofmytribe · 17/05/2019 07:36

Going against the majority here, I didexpect my husband to get a vasectomy. He in particular was adamant he didn't want any more babies. I had problems with every hormonal method I tried. He didn't like condoms.
I asked him what he would want me to do if we had an accidental pregnancy? That sort of focussed his mind.
The decision was his own, I wouldn't have gone on about it and tried to force him. But as he was the one who was so dead set against more kids I would have been disappointed had he not taken responsibility.
He had a bit of bruising but was fine in a few days. Certainly wasn't anything like the tears and stitches I'd suffered after childbirth!!

NameChangeNugget · 17/05/2019 07:45

I think you should be supportive if he wants to do it but, expecting him to do it, is a bit much.

Nousernameforme · 17/05/2019 07:47

Oh no the poor menz.

Its fine to ask of course it is and it is fine after all you have done for your sex life and family as a woman to feel put out if he won't do it.

You can't insist he has one though but you can say that you are no longer dealing with any form of contraception.

Getting yourself sterilised is an option he will need to use his annual leave to look after the children whilst you recover.

PurpleFlower1983 · 17/05/2019 07:49

It’s not unreasonable to ask but I think in this case you should consider sterilisation.

Lauren83 · 17/05/2019 07:56

Like said it's fine to ask but not to insist, I know a lot who have regretted them for various reasons, reversal rates are very poor and more often than not lead to SSR + IVF with ICSI, you could decide you want another baby, he could end up with a new partner for whatever reason and not be able to have a family with her etc. Maybe consider freezing sperm as an insurance policy if he does it

NoSauce · 17/05/2019 07:57

What’s his take on it?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 17/05/2019 07:58

I had two horrendous pregnancies and knee I could never go through another one. We had always said we only wanted 2 children. I was 31 when I had ds2 so had many fertile years ahead.

We discussed various options but j was adamant that one of us had to be sterilised as there was no way I was prepared to risk another pregnancy. Dh was ok with the idea of a vasectomy. To be honest, if he hadn't been I would have been upset even though I know it's his body, his choice. I just felt that I'd been through so much that it was only "fair" that he did this. I'm not saying I should have felt like that, only that I did.

Dh had a vasectomy and it was all fine. He did experience some swelling/bruising which wasnt great for a couple of weeks but that went away and he's had no problems since. That was 19 years ago.

DXBMermaid · 17/05/2019 08:19

I asked mine and he got one. In comparison to getting sterilised as a female it is such a small procedure. We wanted a family, I carried two children and gave birth to them, I really felt it was his turn now.

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