Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with DH for considering this job?

59 replies

JammyGem · 15/05/2019 13:34

Long story short, DH hates his job (with good reason) and is looking for something else. He's had a lot of interest and went for a trial and was offered a job yesterday - it's great news for him and I'm pleased that it's rebuilt his self-confidence as he is brilliant at his job.

However, his current job have said they can offer him set days off a week. I'm on maternity leave, and before DD was born had planned to return to work full time. She wasn't planned and I'd gone into denial a bit, and never really bonded during pregnancy. Now that she's here and I've absolutely fallen head over heels in love with her, I was hoping to return part time instead. My manager has said he is fine with whatever I choose, just to let him know. I have the best manager

Ideally I would've liked to go back 3 days, but this just isn''t financially possible. So we compromised on 4 days a week, but this is only doable if DH has a set day off in the week so that we only have to pay 3 days of nursery.

But this new job he's been offered cannot give him set days off. It pays slightly more than his current one, but with the extra day of nursery, we would actually have less money.

He's seriously considering this new position because he hates his current job so much. There are other places interested in him, but he's so desperate to leave that I think he's jumping at the first offer. And I know that it's me who's changed the goalposts from when I was pregnant, but it breaks my heart that if he takes this job I'll have to spend 5 days a week away from DD.

AIBU? Or should I suck it up, seeing as I was the one who said I would work FT?

OP posts:
PotolBabu · 15/05/2019 13:39

I would just suck up the cost of an extra day at nursery. That way you get her for one day a week. He gets his job and job satisfaction. And he’ll have to sacrifice something for the reduced income.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 15/05/2019 13:39

I think I would ask him to go back and negotiate again. Say he has other interest who would be able to offer set day off, is that something they could match?

Ultimately though, I think I would agree to him taking the job, even if we were poor for a while because being in a job you hate is miserable.

You’ve probably checked all this, but have you considered all the possible government help for childcare?

geekone · 15/05/2019 13:41

You don’t have to go back to work full time you just need to pay for another day in nursery which your DHs salary change will cover. I don’t see the issue. Sorry.

Megan2018 · 15/05/2019 13:42

I’d suck it up, him being happy is more important. He can still look for other jobs with more flexibility long term, getting out of something that makes you miserable is always the right thing to do.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 15/05/2019 13:44

But you can afford the nursery day, right? And then age three the free hours will kick in. It’s a relatively short term expense to improve his life. In your shoes I’d work 4 days, pay for nursery, dh do new job and make savings elsewhere.

Original poster
JammyGem · 15/05/2019 13:46

Financially it'll be very hard to suck up the cost of the extra day at nursery, even with the government help and tax free childcare. Neither of us have any hobbies (I know, how sad) so there isn't really much we could sacrifice.

It's just so shit. I absolutely love my job but I'm going to see if I can find something else that offers part time hours for the same money. Unlikely, but worth a try anyway. I'll work anywhere if it means spending more time with DD.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 15/05/2019 13:46

Suck up the cost (between you) of the 4th day of nursery. She'll be on free hours soon enough and then at school. Then your th won't be stuck in a hated job but you'll have had the one day per week wit dd which is valuable.

Geminijes · 15/05/2019 13:46

Suck it up!

Otherwise, you're asking him to stay in a job he hates so you can work 4 days instead of 5. Why should your happiness comes before his?

He can always accept the new job but still look around for other jobs.

lastqueenofscotland · 15/05/2019 13:48

Being in a job you hate is awful and ruins your life outside of it too. I surely an extra day isn’t going to cripple you?

Original poster
JammyGem · 15/05/2019 13:48

We'd have less money if he took the job and we paid extra day of nursery though - it would mean having about £180 less a month, which might not seem a lot to some but is loads for us.

He's going to ask them if they can offer one set day. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 15/05/2019 13:49

I think YABU.

Why should what you want professionally (i.e. working four days) trump what he wants?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/05/2019 13:50

Suck up the money, it’s woefully unfair of you to expect him to continue in a job he hates (it’s soul destroying doing something like that), so you can work part time.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/05/2019 13:51

If he hates the job he is better of leaving while can find a new employer he likes. If he gets more stressed he may end up ill, unemployed or moving to a worse job just to leave. He should take the job, cut back where you can and when he's settled into his job he can ask again (they will be keener on keeping good staff).

heartshapedknob · 15/05/2019 13:51

I hope they offer a set day off in the week now he’s asked! It would be the best outcome for both of you.

Original poster
JammyGem · 15/05/2019 13:54

I also worry that DH will be jumping from the pan into the fire. His friend worked at the new job before and warned him about the place a few months ago, but DH seems to have forgotten this and when I reminded him just seemed to shrug it off.

I just want DH to come home from work one day and have had a good day, instead of complaining - his last 3 jobs have all been awful and to be frank I'm getting fed up of him moaning. I worry this new place will be more of the same.

But then maybe that's just me trying to find excuses. You're right, my happiness isn't more important than his, and should take the chance to get out even if it's upsetting for me. I'm just being selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyGem · 15/05/2019 13:54

Thanks for giving me the kick I needed to see how U I'm being!

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 15/05/2019 13:58

Perhaps once he’s there he can ask again about set days. They may be more flexible once he’s started and they can see he’s a good worker.

RedSkyLastNight · 15/05/2019 13:59

When you say DH's new company can't offer set day off - is this because they have shifts that constantly change and it's hard to accommodate? Or just that they haven't really thought about it? It's possible that once he's been in the job for a while, it will work out possible to arrange. Or he can formally request flexible working.

Original poster
JammyGem · 15/05/2019 14:00

@Lllot5 Unfortunately it's not the sort of job that you can usually get set days for (chef), and especially not with the business model that this new place has. But if you don't ask, you don't get!

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 15/05/2019 14:02

You have changed your mind on what you planned to do a few times and despite you know he hates where he is expect him to fit around another change of heart from you.
I am glad you have decided to look at this from your husbands point of view and not just from your own.
Money is important but being happy in what you do (or at least not very unhappy) will be bettter for you all in the long run.

Jent13c · 15/05/2019 14:07

Can you look around for alternative nursery/childminder? I was ready to give up trying to go back to work when my health visitor told me that there is one local nursery who did flexible hours. I expected to have been too late and there be a big waiting list but they offered us a completely flexible space. I give them one weeks notice of hours required. I think it works out slightly more expensive per day but literally the perfect set up

Mrscog · 15/05/2019 14:07

Could you do condensed hours so you do 3.5 days of hours in 3 days at work? It's a way of getting more money for the childcare you're paying for. Or you could look into a childminder - they tend to be slightly cheaper.

BackwardsGoing · 15/05/2019 14:07

I don't think you are being U. Why does his career come before yours?

And alarm bells that his last three jobs have been awful. Is he the problem or the jobs?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 15/05/2019 14:07

I worked in restaurants when younger and several of the chefs had a set day off, usually a Tuesday or something, but surely if he's a chef he will work all weekend so will have his time off in the week?

The other thing to consider is that if he's hated his last three jobs, maybe it's the job/industry that isn't for him rather than the specific restaurant?

TokyoSushi · 15/05/2019 14:11

I knew he'd be a chef, this is a familiar story!!!

My DH was a (Head) chef for a long time, it's a bloody pain in the backside! Can he get out of cheffing altogether? From my experience, I'd be surprised if the new job made him happy either, it's just the same shit, different location.

DH is now an Operations Manager for a Warehouse that provides the food to restaurants, so same sort of industry but much, much better hours. It's difficult for somebody with a long history in the kitchen to transfer into say, working in a bank for example, but worth a think about what else he could do with those skills that would be more family friendly.