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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with DH for considering this job?

59 replies

JammyGem · 15/05/2019 13:34

Long story short, DH hates his job (with good reason) and is looking for something else. He's had a lot of interest and went for a trial and was offered a job yesterday - it's great news for him and I'm pleased that it's rebuilt his self-confidence as he is brilliant at his job.

However, his current job have said they can offer him set days off a week. I'm on maternity leave, and before DD was born had planned to return to work full time. She wasn't planned and I'd gone into denial a bit, and never really bonded during pregnancy. Now that she's here and I've absolutely fallen head over heels in love with her, I was hoping to return part time instead. My manager has said he is fine with whatever I choose, just to let him know. I have the best manager

Ideally I would've liked to go back 3 days, but this just isn''t financially possible. So we compromised on 4 days a week, but this is only doable if DH has a set day off in the week so that we only have to pay 3 days of nursery.

But this new job he's been offered cannot give him set days off. It pays slightly more than his current one, but with the extra day of nursery, we would actually have less money.

He's seriously considering this new position because he hates his current job so much. There are other places interested in him, but he's so desperate to leave that I think he's jumping at the first offer. And I know that it's me who's changed the goalposts from when I was pregnant, but it breaks my heart that if he takes this job I'll have to spend 5 days a week away from DD.

AIBU? Or should I suck it up, seeing as I was the one who said I would work FT?

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyGem · 15/05/2019 14:15

I think part of the issue is that he was a much higher-up manager before, then when we moved to a new city, he took a job lower down on the chain to start off with, hoping to work his way up again once he'd got his name out there. But because he's worked at a higher level, and has very high standards, he finds it difficult because he can see where places are going wrong. Without being too outing, he ran a Michelin level restaurant and then dropped to Sous chef at a chain.

But yes, I have said maybe it's not the career for him. But he's got over 20 years experience and doesn't know anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyGem · 15/05/2019 14:16

@TokyoSushi Something like that would be fantastic! Do you mind me asking where it is your DH works, so we can see if there's something similar nearby to us? I'll mention it to DH.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2019 14:22

Yes to the possibly you being U bit, but set that aside for a moment - I DO think it sounds like he's possibly jumping frying pan to fire! He's desperate to go? Friends warned him about this place in the past? Be careful!!!

Hard for you to tell him to carry on looking because he'll just think you're doing it because of hte money/nursery situation. But honestly - sounds like from this angle too it migth be better to keep looking for a short time...

Unihorn · 15/05/2019 14:22

In my restaurant chain set days off are normally easily accommodated if they're in the week. I had Tuesdays and Wednesdays as my days off for 6 years before having children.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/05/2019 14:24

I think you are being a bit unfair. You say he's desperately unhappy, yet your desire to spend more time with DD trumps his to get a different job?

I think you also need to suck up the cost of the extra day at nursery as a compromise.

However, if this is a pattern - you say he's done this for the last 3 jobs, I wouldn't expect this place to become magically any better.

ittakes2 · 15/05/2019 14:25

Let's see - you want him to do a job he hates so you can do more of something that you love? Yes its the pits that you will have less money but you can look at other options like childminder etc. You can't. make the poor bloke stay in a job he hates for you.

SuperSara · 15/05/2019 14:26

Obvious answer is that you should go back to work full time.

Simple really.

Nearlythere1 · 15/05/2019 14:26

Why don't you do the the three days at your work instead of four then? It's what you wanted to begin with, it will let DP take the new job, and surely it will offset the costs?

Toooldtocareanymore · 15/05/2019 14:26

As a chef maybe if your dh was clear he wasn't looking for one of the traditional busier days off like Thursday or Friday, they may be more inclined to agree say a Monday, he could also say he'd not expect this to apply for bank holidays so it would only be x days off a year ( you would have to do the maths) - just a point on how to sell it.

Your work and manager sound lovely so it would be a shame to leave that, so can you offer any more suggestions to manager, I don't know what you do so don't know if working condensed hours to get a half day off would work, ie work 4 days in 3 1/2 days , if nursery even do half day rates.

Nursery isn't for ever, but those 4 or so years will seem like hell if you have to work a job you're unhappy in. That said its not a hard occupation for your dh to find jobs in so maybe its a case of suck it up for a short while as he looks for something else.

TokyoSushi · 15/05/2019 14:28

@JammyGem, we're in Cheshire, ask your DH to think about his suppliers and then see if there are any jobs available with them, That's what DH did. His rep for the company offered him a job as a Sales Manager for one of his suppliers and then moved to the warehouse. It's a very easy transfer because you just swap from being the customer to the provider so there's a lot in common, and being a Chef, they're the best at knowing the products, much better than you or I would.

Definitely worth exploring, DH went from working 10am - 10pm most days to every night and Sunday off. A higher up chef is quite a decent salary to replace but it's doable this way too! Good luck!

BikeRunSki · 15/05/2019 14:28

Suck up the extra costs, so that you can both be in jobs you enjoy. Having a child at nursery is hard financially, but it’s not forever. Job satisfaction is worth a lot.

TokyoSushi · 15/05/2019 14:29

I would also be surprised if he gets a set day off at the new job, it's not a very friendly industry and always short staffed!

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 15/05/2019 14:37

If someone hates three jobs in a row, the problem isn’t the jobs.

CabbageHippy · 15/05/2019 14:51

yabu - you spend far too much time at work to hate where you work, trust me I've been there & it's just awful.

floribunda18 · 15/05/2019 14:52

It's miserable for him to be in a job he hates, but he should also be looking for something flexible now that he has a child. Too many men just carry on as if everything is the same.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/05/2019 14:52

If all his jobs have been awful then something is fundamentally wrong. Perhaps he's just not cut out for his chosen career.

I'm guessing it was a bullying culture his friend warned him about (not uncommon in catering) and now he's ignoring it because he's desperate to leave the current job? That's not going to work out well.

Original poster
JammyGem · 15/05/2019 14:55

On the plus side, he's just let me know he has been offered two more interviews, both of which are at much higher-class places, which is what he's more interested in and used to. With a salary to match!

I think I'm resigned to the fact I'm being VU to expect him to work somewhere he hates just so I can be happier. One the free childcare kicks in when DD is 3 it'll be much easier, and his job satisfaction is much more important!

OP posts:
Original poster
JammyGem · 15/05/2019 14:58

It's more that the hygiene and stock control at these places has been really bad. Also, that he is expected to work double his contracted hours with no overtime paid, or opportunity to take time in lieu.

Because before he was the Executive Head, he made sure that he had enough staff and that they got paid/time in lieu for the hours they worked, even when it meant butting heads with management over budgets etc. It's been a bit of a shock to him that other chefs won't do the same for their staff.

OP posts:
Lost5stone · 15/05/2019 15:00

How flexible is your job? I know most places wouldn't allow it but my boss lets me work around DP. DP works in 4 week shifts and I work the days he's off for most of that (different days each week)

HBStowe · 15/05/2019 15:00

It’s really difficult but in this situation I think his reasons for moving are better than your reasons for asking him to stay.

Hopefully he gets one of the 2 jobs he has interviewed for and the problem is solved!

lyralalala · 15/05/2019 15:03

Have you thought about looking for a childminder rather than a nursery? They can often be considerably cheaper (something personally I find baffling, but it's often the case) than a nursery.

DontTreadOnMe · 15/05/2019 15:06

I think you’re being highly unreasonable, it comes across like you don’t give a toss about your husband as long as you get what you want

BackwardsGoing · 15/05/2019 15:17

Why did he step down?

GreatestShowUnicorn · 15/05/2019 16:00

Suck up the cost for now and once he's been their a few months get him to look at their family friendly policy.

JaneEyreAgain · 15/05/2019 17:04

How many days off during the week does he get? Does he work weekends?

Would your job need to be covered on the days you are not there or is it something where the work can be done at any time and as long as you put four day in, it does not matter which days they are?

Maybe your boss can be flexible enough to allow you to change your working daye depending on your partner's shifts?

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