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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to tell DM to contribute or cancel?

52 replies

Cuppycakes · 15/05/2019 11:55

First time poster after months of lurking so please be gentle.

Bit of backstory family do Friday night dinner. Hosted at my place as we have the most space. There are 8 adults and 4 kids. Everyone contributes to the meal I.e drinks, sides etc although they’ve never been asked to.

This week things have been a little tight so i’d budgeted and got everything I needed for the meal with my weekly shop.

Got a text from DM saying that with the weather being great she thought we’d rather have a bbq. She went on to tell me she’d let everyone know the change of plans and what they needed to bring. And I I need to sort out is the meat (which we can’t afford) and the charcoal for the bbq. She is bringing nothing.

I called her to explain that I couldn’t afford to buy the meat for everyone and that I’d already bought in everything I needed for the dinner. Then explained that if she wanted to provide the meat that was great if not It would have to be cancelled.

She then spent a good 10 mins ranting that she couldn’t afford it and that’s why she wasn’t bringing anything. Even though she is much better of financially than us all. That I was spoilt and entitled for expecting to just buy the charcoal before hanging up on me.

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 15/05/2019 11:57

I’d message everyone and cancel.
She’s taking the piss.

7yo7yo · 15/05/2019 11:57

The meats the most expensive part of a bbq!

krustykittens · 15/05/2019 11:58

Nope. It's a bit rich to change plans on the host to something more expensive and then expect them to pay for it, regardless of how much money they have or haven't got. If she wants a BBQ, she can pay for it!

LagunaBubbles · 15/05/2019 11:58

Does she normally throw a bit of a tantrum when she doesn't get her own way?

krustykittens · 15/05/2019 11:59

And you are not spoilt, she is just trying to make you feel like shit so you fall into line!

BarbaraofSevillle · 15/05/2019 11:59

No need to cancel - just go with the original plan to serve the food that you've already bought?

Do you have suitable space etc to eat outside as a compromise, seeing as it's the nice weather she wants to take advantage of?

FabulouslyFab · 15/05/2019 12:00

Just go ahead with your original plans and let everybody know. You can still eat outside 😎

Fairypiggy · 15/05/2019 12:00

YANBU. Also looking at my weather app the weather for Friday doesn’t look that great anyway so BBQ may not be possible.

CalmdownJanet · 15/05/2019 12:00

She is a total piss taker!! Cancel, send a group text "Just found out there is a change of plan for Friday night, I didn't know about this and it doesn't suit. Going to cancel this Friday altogether and take a night off. See you Friday week for usual dinner"

Mrsjayy · 15/05/2019 12:01

I would message the family now and say mother has got a bit ahead of herself and there will be no Bbq then tell mother there is no Bbq.

Di11y · 15/05/2019 12:01

cook the food and eat it outside

Thehop · 15/05/2019 12:01

She’s having a laugh. Ignore. You’re lovely to host

Coolegary1 · 15/05/2019 12:01

No and it's refreshing to see you tackled it straight away.
Sounds to me your dm is one of those people who engineer a way out of expenses at the cost of everybody else. I've a friend like this and I just refuse to take part in her machinations.

Antigon · 15/05/2019 12:02

YANBU at all. It's your house, so can make a suggestion but she can't decide you're having a BBQ. Your contribution is the food you've already bought when you thought it was a dinner.

If you can be bothered, create a WhatsApp group telling everyone DM wants a BBQ and if everyone else agrees, here is the meat everyone (including DM) needs to bring.

If you don't want to have a BBQ (understandably after being called spoiled and entitled), then just say the dinner goes ahead as planned or will be cancelled as DM wants a BBQ.

Mrsjayy · 15/05/2019 12:02

Is she always that deranged because that overreaction isn't right.

EKGEMS · 15/05/2019 12:03

She's being a right bitch! You need not change your plans just because she's throwing a tantrum! Be sure to let the rest of the family know what's up before you have a crowd expecting bbq! Your mother has a lot of nerve considering you've hosted this at your house every week!

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 15/05/2019 12:04

Just message everyone ‘hi guys mother phoned to tell me the plans have changed to a bbq, and I have to buy the meat. I’ve just told her I’ve already bought all the food as originally planned, and can not afford extra meat on top. If you all want to go ahead with the bbq it will have to be somewhere but here and I will bow out gracefully lol, if you all want to stick to the original plans, can you all please tell mother, as apparently I’m in the wrong for not being able to afford double food plus so much will also go to waste!’

Gth1234 · 15/05/2019 12:05

It isn't up to your visitors to decide what you are doing.

If this is a regular thing, always at your place, there ought to be some cost management. You probably don't mind providing the crocket and the oven, but the food and drink cost should be shared formally, not informally. But you still agree the catering arrangements in advance, not on a whim.

RebootYourEngine · 15/05/2019 12:07

I would send a message to everyone saying that you didn't agree to the change of plans and that you are unable to put on a BBQ.

Hidingtonothing · 15/05/2019 12:08

I would send a blanket message round everyone else saying that DM got it wrong about a bbq and that it's still dinner as planned. She had no right messing with arrangements for an event you are hosting so just revert to the original plan and carry on as though the bbq idea never happened. As for how you deal with DM I would tell her it was bloody rude to interfere when she is not the host, that you've rectified the confusion she caused and that in future you expect her to keep her nose out.

Drum2018 · 15/05/2019 12:09

Tell her not to bother coming on Friday and do the dinner you had planned for the others. Or better still, cancel the night and have a peaceful night to yourselves.

crispysausagerolls · 15/05/2019 12:10

cook the food and eat it outside

This. And your mother is no longer welcome.

BiddyPop · 15/05/2019 12:12

Dear MIL,

I appreciate that you want to take advantage of the nice weather, if it lasts as long as Friday. When you are hosting the event in your house, you are more than welcome to make that decision.

However, while I am hosting it in MY house, I will be the one making that decision. And given that I had already made a decision for this week, and bought the ingredients for that plan, it will not change at this short notice. I will get in touch with everyone else to let them know that you had not agreed this idea with me before telling them all, and that it will be as we agreed last week (or they had agreed with me .... or whatever).

You mentioned that you were unable to contribute anything to the change of plans. As you will appreciate, providing dinner for 12 people every week is not cheap, and we are really grateful for those attendees who bring items to contribute to the gathering. This week is particularly tight in our budget, and I have already paid for the food and cannot afford to buy more food, particularly meat for a BBQ for 12 people.

Maybe this Friday would be a good opportunity for everyone to consider the weekly gathering going forward, to see if it would be fairer to share the burden by moving between different houses, or for a fairer sharing of the cost of the event, so that it doesn't become untenable for some. It might also be a good opportunity to consider if others would like a BBQ at some stage, and allow us all to plan ahead for it (an outdoor event might work well in Xs house as their garden is big enough for us all to eat outside??).

We look forward to seeing you and everyone else on Friday, as always.

Kind regards,
CuppyCakes

kaytee87 · 15/05/2019 12:18

YANBU. Also looking at my weather app the weather for Friday doesn’t look that great anyway so BBQ may not be possible.

Do you know where op lives?

Op yanbu, just tell everyone you've already bought dinner stuff but you're happy to serve outside if the weathers good.

Lweji · 15/05/2019 12:20

I'd say nothing. People will bring what they want and you'll serve what you had originally planned.

If anyone queries it, just let them know that it was a last minute thought by MIL and that it wasn't possible for you to change the plan.

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