Aibu to tell DM to contribute or cancel?

[Cuppycakes]

First time poster after months of lurking so please be gentle.

Bit of backstory family do Friday night dinner. Hosted at my place as we have the most space. There are 8 adults and 4 kids. Everyone contributes to the meal I.e drinks, sides etc although they’ve never been asked to.

This week things have been a little tight so i’d budgeted and got everything I needed for the meal with my weekly shop.

Got a text from DM saying that with the weather being great she thought we’d rather have a bbq. She went on to tell me she’d let everyone know the change of plans and what they needed to bring. And I I need to sort out is the meat (which we can’t afford) and the charcoal for the bbq. She is bringing nothing.

I called her to explain that I couldn’t afford to buy the meat for everyone and that I’d already bought in everything I needed for the dinner. Then explained that if she wanted to provide the meat that was great if not It would have to be cancelled.

She then spent a good 10 mins ranting that she couldn’t afford it and that’s why she wasn’t bringing anything. Even though she is much better of financially than us all. That I was spoilt and entitled for expecting to just buy the charcoal before hanging up on me.

Was I unreasonable?

So every Friday night you have them all over at your house and you are expected to pay for the inconvenience?

YANBU to expect her to contribute, you should be the one contributing the least seeing as you are providing the venue.

Text everyone saying 'please ignore mother, she didn't check with my first and I've already bought everything, can't afford meat on top! Sure there will be many more opportunities for bbqs!'

YADNBU You should have just told her it was too late to change plans as you had everything bought for dinner. End of. She sounds ridiculous and very un motherly in that she doesn't seem to care about your financial situation

Cancel meal.

It is the height of bad manners to change someone else's dinner arrangements without consultation, and without any offer to help with the re-arrangement.

Definitely tell everyone that it's staying the way it was, or being cancelled, because your mum should 100% NOT have done what she did, how very bloody rude of her.

As for her tantrum now, that seems to be entirely down to her not getting her own way, so I really wouldn't worry too much about upsetting her - she didn't care about upsetting you, did she!

Do you have suitable space etc to eat outside as a compromise, seeing as it's the nice weather she wants to take advantage of?

Yeah great idea, same difference really.

PS. The OP said "DM" not "MIL" a notice a couple of posters calling her MIL

Go ahead with the food already bought - if the weather is OK (which I don't think likely), sit outside. You can plan a BBQ another time - message everyone that. I wouldn't want to host every Fri - that's for sure. Your DM is a cf! My MIL did something similar - she came to stay for the weekend - so I stocked up with nice food and meal planned. She pressured us into going out for Sunday Lunch (I had lamb rack prepped) but decided to humour her since she said it was her treat. Got to the gastropub, had lunch and she then told us that she was low on funds that particular month, after paying for her business class flight for her longhaul holiday. It cost us £120!

kaytee87 true, bit of a logic fail
for me there. My DH has form for planning BBQs in cold weather when the weather has been good earlier in the week though!

Cook meal you were going to cook.

Set fire to some buns/cardboard/bits of old plastic outside to create authentic BBQ atmosphere of smoky disappointment.

Sit outside and eat delicious meal prepared earlier.

Done.

I'm more concerned that you might think YABU.

Surely you can see that you have done nothing wrong and she has overstepped the mark and been utterly rude about it. Can you see that?

She's a bit cheeky your mum!

I would email round and say,

oops mother has wrong end of the stick. Dinner this week as usual at mine so please bring your usual contributions. A BBQ might be nice in a couple of weeks (maybe suggest date) so I attach a list for you to sign up for providing food and drink. Remember you will be catering for 12.

Charcoal - cuppycake

Burgers , buns and relishes -

Marinaded Chicken and green salad -

Sausages and pasta salad-

Desserts and crisps-

Drinks for adults and children -

Please let me know what you are bringing so I can co ordinate

Mwah cuppycakes

Call her bluff OP, send a group message saying that the BBQ is a great idea and that you are looking forward to a rare Friday night off from hosting and that you are only THRILLED that DM is offering to cook and host all and that you will see them all at her place at the usual time.

Then refuse to have her any night for dinner after that with her snotty attitude.

OP don't worry, she is the unreasonable one.

Sansou @ your MIL!

Go ahead with your planned dinner.
I'd be tempted to buy a cheap poundshop disposable BBQ and a bag of cheap sausages and drop it off for your dm with a note that she can have her BBQ alone. She's not welcome at your dinner anymore.

Nope, of course you're not unreasonable.This is cheeky fuckery of the highest order OP. Let her host it if she wants a BBQ. Bloody cheek. Phone round everyone and explain. Your mother is totally out of order,

Your DM is being hugely unreasonable, however some of these suggestions on what to do will escalate a minor disagreement into a huge family rift.

If you're genuinely happy to continue with hosting these meals then I'd text folks and say you've already got the ingredients in for Friday night. If people want a BBQ instead then please can they let you know by end of today so you can freeze other stuff, and in addition to what they are bringing already could they sort out amongst themselves who will bring meat and charcoal as you've already spent your money on the other ingredients.

Your mother is a CF. You need to learn to be more assertive with her BS. Message everyone, 'Sorry, Mum got ahead of herself. I cannot afford to fund a BBQ so the original meal will go on as planned.'

OP just ignore your DM and proceed with the original plan

You’re kind and generous for hosting and I’m sure your family (apart from your DM) will appreciate it.

Also don’t disinvite her- it’s not worth the fallout

Do nothing.

It's going to rain on Friday anyway, so it's neither here nor there. By getting into any kind of argument with her, you are giving her authority.

If you think there is a risk of her cracking on and telling other family members about a change of plan, just send neutral text messages to the relevant people to say "Mum is on the rampage over a bbq - I've already said I can't do it (money/rain expected etc), so don't pay any attention to her - see you Friday! Cx"

Go to Iceland and buy a bag of sausages. Tell her it’s Hot dogs or nowt.

Ignore your mil and carry on with the meal you had planned. Tell her if she's so keen to host a BBQ, she can. At hers.

Beggars can't be choosers but she is literally being a choosing beggar. You're offering her a meal for nothing in return and yet it's not good enough for her. Stick to your original plans and tell her to feed herself if she doesn't like it.

Just contact them all and let everyone know that there are no changes of plan and your dm didn't realise that you had already bought the food you are serving. So it isn't a barbecue but a normal dinner as already agreed.

If she doesn't like it, tough.

Am i missing something here!? The host chooses what's going to be served!

Your Mum is ridiculous, she can't just change the menu for an event she is not catering and go behind your back to change arrangements with others who are invited to said occasion. This is mental!

Tell her that when she hosts she can decide what the plans are, until then pipe down!! Also i like the letter BiddyPop suggested.

Send her a link to this thread ....