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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ruined a new relationship

65 replies

ruinedeverthing1 · 15/05/2019 10:41

Namechanged
Posting here for traffic

I have been such a fool and please can anyone help

Was in a LTR - split last year due to abuse and violence and I filed for divorce. We have DC

Found it really hard but got there in the end. Threats continued I reported them
Got a non mol which he broke. He went back to court was warned . Lots of mind games . Messing about over the kids and contact . Using them to get info about me and what I was doing now etc

End of last year I met someone else. Lovely man. He cares so much about me and my children
They adore him
We have some great times and we’re really growing closer . Said I love you etc. He knows my history and I fell into the the trap of talking about my ex a lot which caused some friction between us

Ex found out from kids I was seeing someone
Next thing comes an anon fraud report to the DSS saying I am working and claiming and have someone living here etc (completely false and malicious )

Many many years ago I worked as a prostutute. My family and current partner know about this (I haven’t hidden it)

Anyway the grief against me all underhand has continued and ex was threatening to contact new partner to tell him things about me . He’s unpredictable and I didn’t doubt for a minute he would. So I did something very stupid (I panicked) and now it’s come back on me (my own fault )

I set up a Facebook profile as my ex (very basic no photo etc) and sent a message to new partner with the info in it that he was threatening to send (about my work life , previous mental health etc . I know it was wrong and stupid and I shouldn’t have done it . I panicked and wasn’t thinking straight . Anyway he’s worked out from the times online that it was me who did it
He needs time to think
Says he loves me but is angry and doesn’t feel he can ever really trust me again

My heart is breaking in pieces. I feel sick. I have come home and gone back to bed. I can smell him on the pillow next to me. I feel so sad. He made me and my children really happy and I have ruined it all. Please someone talk to me

OP posts:
Bwekfusth · 15/05/2019 10:44

Hi Smile how come you did that if your new partner already knew about it? Sorry I'm just a bit confused!

Pgqio · 15/05/2019 10:48

I don't quite understand op. Did you set up the fake profile to pre empt your ex telling the new man stuff that you say he already knew? I don't really know what you did or why he's so upset about it.

Crunchymum · 15/05/2019 10:49

So you set up a fake account to tell your new DP all the things you thought your exh would tell him?

But he already knew you were a sex worker previously?

I'm confused!

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/05/2019 10:51

Honestly I think it’s fine he needs to go away and think about it. I think the ‘trust’ thing is a bit weird - it’s quite clear you panicked.

I do however strongly suggest that you spend some time alone. You only came out of an abusive LTR last year and are already six months into another relationship and have introduced your kids to him.

Take a break, you’re not ready.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/05/2019 10:52

I don't understand why you would set up an account pretending to be your ex?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/05/2019 10:54

Does he need to think because or the stuff you told him, or about how you did it?

Original poster
ruinedeverthing1 · 15/05/2019 11:01

He needs to think about what I did . Not the content of it

He knows about it but my ex obviously doesn’t know that he’s been told so he thinks he can be spiteful
This weekend is a big weekend emotionally for my new partner (it’s the anniversary of a death of a relative ) my concern was although he knows if he was to be contacted by my ex this weekend (wen he has time on his hands and gets pissed up and malicious) it would cause so much tension and bad feeling that he was meddling that he would probably pull the plug on things between us .

Although he knows my history I simply did not want my ex husband shit stirring and going anywhere near him. So I got in first so I could try to manage the situation .

He wants time to think about us (as he feels hurt and very upset at what I have done pretending to be my ex )

OP posts:
Original poster
ruinedeverthing1 · 15/05/2019 11:02

I have apologised explained what happened and why I did what I did and where my mind was at. He’s just so angry and feels made a fool out of and played basically
I am so so sad as that was never my intention to hurt him . I really care about his man and he makes us all very happy

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 15/05/2019 11:06

I think he feels hurt that you don't trust him enough to just tell him to his face. He probably sees himself as a Nice Guy, he means well but doesn't really get the abuse situation or the after effects.

I'm another one who thinks you should have some counselling and CBT before you enter another relationship. And be wary of nice guys. they have their own issues and it can end up being all about managing their feelings.

Ghanagirl · 15/05/2019 11:06

I think you should take some time out of relationships for a while

needanappp · 15/05/2019 11:07

If your DP already knew then your Ex telling wouldn't have caused any issues surely? He's just read it, have a laugh at his efforts to be spiteful and move on. Also, your Ex obviously doesn't know that your fake profile has sent the message to your DP so what's stopping him from sending a message himself anyway iyswim?

I know we all do daft thing in the heat of the moment and I could understand you doing this if your DP didn't know.

outvoid · 15/05/2019 11:09

I think it’s too soon for a relationship, especially when you’re involving your children. You only broke up from your abusive husband a year ago and have a lot going on since. I don’t think you’re in the right place and need to focus on yourself and DC.

CatOnASwing · 15/05/2019 11:10

Your DCs should no way be 'adoring' a man who only entered their life 6 months ago, and less than 12 months since you split from their Dad.

Its all way too much, way too soon.

You come across as really vulnerable and just a sitting duck for someone to come along and take advantage of you and your DCs.

Let this man go, focus on yourself and your DCs. Perhaps try the Freedom Program?

Your life will be better in the long term you can do these things...

CatOnASwing · 15/05/2019 11:13

...I also think that if this new man is as lovely as you say, the best and kindest thing he could do for you is to walk away and allow you the time and space to get your (emotional) house in order.

Catchingbentcoppers · 15/05/2019 11:15

Agreed, I don't think you are ready for a new relationship. You need some time to yourself.

milksoffagain · 15/05/2019 11:16

You have told him how sorry you are so best leave him alone now to let that sink in. Not sure I really understand exactly why he is so upset?, but beating yourself up abut it any more about it won't help. Flowers

It might be an idea to step back and look carefully at him and how he's making you feel atm rather than how you have made him feel - is he right for you or just Mr Right Now? If he is good enough for you it will work out - what's meant for us won't go by us. But I'd be aware that you are vulnerable right now, not all bad choices arrive with a label clearly warning us to stay away sadly!

Blondebakingmumma · 15/05/2019 11:16

I’m not sure why you didn’t just tell him yourself rather than pretending to be your ex. But what’s done is done. If he ends the relationship, as much as it sucks, use it as a learning experience

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/05/2019 11:19

I am sorry you’re still very enmeshed with your ex unfortunately. I also agree you moved onto a deep relationship far too soon. It is very telling that you thought about your dps feelings instead of your own. It reads to me that you’re still trying to protect others rather than your self as a means of self preservation.

This mans relative died. I understand that’s hard. You were abused for years - and your ex still trying to abuse you. In my book that’s far harder.

I think it’s time for you to focus on your children and family rather than finding another partner or chasing this one. If he does decide he wants to be with you, put the brakes on and go slower.

TFBundy · 15/05/2019 11:19

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

NCforthis2019 · 15/05/2019 11:19

I get why you did what you did OP - you tried to pre-empt what you think your ex would have done anyway - your mistake was pretending to be your ex, you shoud have just told your BF and let him decide. Because of this - he now doesnt trust you, i dont blame him as i would struggle too...

If i were you - give him the time he needs and focus on yourself and the kids. Forget him for now.

Pk37 · 15/05/2019 11:20

What you did is not only stupid but bizarre .
I really don’t understand your reasoning and I’m not surprised your partner is confused and angry.
I think you should take time out for yourself and your kids and forget about relationships until your stronger .
Good luck

Zoflorabore · 15/05/2019 11:29

Your actions suggest that you aren't in the right frame of mind op ( said kindly I promise ) and I too think you need a break from a relationship, however nice the new man is.
You sound very vulnerable and need to work on your past issues before committing to someone else. The fact that you say it's an issue for you that you keep mentioning the ex husband says a lot about the fact you're simply not ready for this.

I wish you lots of luck Flowers

DerrenBrownings · 15/05/2019 11:34

Dear God. You need to take a massive step back. If he accepts you back you need to say ok we need to move more slowly.

You need help managing your feelings and the situation with your ex. You need to come off all social media so theres no threat there from your ex interfering. If this new man is "the one" he will understand. But yes as above- chill out!! Moving too fast.

DerrenBrownings · 15/05/2019 11:36

Before you do anything on going my advice (which I've given myself many a time) is stop - put down your phone/the pen/etc and think "ok would I continue to do this action in a rational frame of mind"

Give yourself that moment to really think about what you're doing any hopefully this will stop any repeats of this kind of Facebook scenario. Good luck OP.

CabbageHippy · 15/05/2019 11:37

This is very very strange.

Sorry OP but to be honest if I was in this guy's shoes i'd be running for the hills