Ruined a new relationship

[ruinedeverthing1]

Namechanged
Posting here for traffic

I have been such a fool and please can anyone help

Was in a LTR - split last year due to abuse and violence and I filed for divorce. We have DC

Found it really hard but got there in the end. Threats continued I reported them
Got a non mol which he broke. He went back to court was warned . Lots of mind games . Messing about over the kids and contact . Using them to get info about me and what I was doing now etc

End of last year I met someone else. Lovely man. He cares so much about me and my children
They adore him
We have some great times and we’re really growing closer . Said I love you etc. He knows my history and I fell into the the trap of talking about my ex a lot which caused some friction between us

Ex found out from kids I was seeing someone
Next thing comes an anon fraud report to the DSS saying I am working and claiming and have someone living here etc (completely false and malicious )

Many many years ago I worked as a prostutute. My family and current partner know about this (I haven’t hidden it)

Anyway the grief against me all underhand has continued and ex was threatening to contact new partner to tell him things about me . He’s unpredictable and I didn’t doubt for a minute he would. So I did something very stupid (I panicked) and now it’s come back on me (my own fault )

I set up a Facebook profile as my ex (very basic no photo etc) and sent a message to new partner with the info in it that he was threatening to send (about my work life , previous mental health etc . I know it was wrong and stupid and I shouldn’t have done it . I panicked and wasn’t thinking straight . Anyway he’s worked out from the times online that it was me who did it
He needs time to think
Says he loves me but is angry and doesn’t feel he can ever really trust me again

My heart is breaking in pieces. I feel sick. I have come home and gone back to bed. I can smell him on the pillow next to me. I feel so sad. He made me and my children really happy and I have ruined it all. Please someone talk to me

Definitely too soon to be introducing your kids. They've barely had time for the dust to settle after your divorce.

Yeah, obviously you still need time to heal yourself before getting into another relationship. I really don't understand the logic behind what you did, I mean if you wanted to get in before the ex, why wouldn't you just talk to him yourself? What does pretending to be your ex achieve? It's weird. And what if the ex decided to do it afterwards (as I presume you didn't tell him you were going to pretend to be him. Then your bf would get two messages from two accounts for the same person?

The thing that screams out at me from this post is how fragile you sound. This might be the nicest guy, but it really sounds like the wrong time. You need time to heal and get stronger in yourself. Don’t worry about this being ‘the one’ either, that’s a fairy tale. You need to take time to get over your past relationships.

OP this is mad. You are still wrapped up in your ex’s games, which I can understand, really I can, I was wrapped up in my abusive ex’s games for years after I left. I can echo PPs observation that you need to be single for a while before launching yourself and your kids into another relationship. You clearly aren’t ready yet and entering another relationship at this point will more likely than not end up in one of two ways: 1, you start a relationship with a decent man, but the baggage from your previous relationship will really fuck things up, which is what seems to be happening; or 2, you’ll end up with another abusive arsehole and find yourself fucked up, fucked over, and no further forward than the day you left your ex. Either way you end up in a mess, and you’ve took huge steps to get out of one mess so you don’t want another. There was a thread on here just yesterday about how certain types of men target vulnerable single mums, and while some people found it offensive, I think it’s an important subject to be talked about. This man might well be lovely, but a large part still applies.

Whichever way you flip it though it’s not just you who is affected. Your kids need stability and continuity, and not to have men in and out of their lives. They absorb way more than you realise, and all the time they are looking to their parents as role models. The way you conduct yourself in regards to relationships will have a huge impact on how your DC conduct themselves when they are adults. You need to learn to be yourself, by yourself, because only then can you learn to set healthy boundaries and protect yourself, not only from other men, but from the bad decisions you’re likely to make in relation to other men. This is all from bitter experience btw, so I do know where you’re coming from, but you can’t move on in a healthy way until you’ve made steps to disregard your ex and sensibly deal with any shit he tries to throw at you.

It’s hard OP, it’s bloody hard. I’ve been split from my ex for 5.5 years and only this morning I’ve had to stop myself from getting embroiled in his crap, again.

Good luck. I’ve got no advice on your current predicament other than the above.

I'm afraid you are right, it was a massive mistake and if I were him, I would be very reluctant to maintain the relationship.
I just don't know why this would even occur to you as an idea, it brackets you in the nutter category. I'd worry that if I pissed you off, or we broke up, you'd be a nightmare doing similar things. It would also make me wonder whether your history with your ex was peppered with this kind of crap and whether I knew the whole truth.
You say it isn't typical of you, in which case you were daft and unlucky, but I'd worry that someone who thought that way wouldn't have a problem with denial of history when caught out.
As others have suggested, focus on your family and on yourself. Learn from this experience so you don't repeat.

You've massively rushed into all of this.

Why on earth has this guy even met your kids at this stage?

I feel sick at what I have done

Please OP, get down to the doctor and see about getting yourself some counselling and possibly some antidepressants. The trauma of what you have gone through with your ex will take time to heal and if I were you, I'd concentrate primarily on you and take all the help you can get.

Don't take the overly negative comments on this thread to heart (I'm thinking of the term 'nutter category' - unnecessary and unkind!) This OP is feeling horribly fragile and needs support as she sounds desperate to me x

OP, you must be gentle with yourself. It takes a long time to heal from the psychological trauma of being abused. What you did wasn’t sensible, but it doesn’t mean you are a terrible person.

Your partner may need time, and it’s possible there won’t be any coming back from this. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. You just made a mistake.

I agree it sounds like you need more time to move on

This would set alarm bells ringing for me. I'm sorry but I'd find it weird and it also tells me you're giving your ex a lot of headspace and you're playing games instead of disengaging. It's also too much too soon. Your OH should be telling you to take a step back from relationships and I'd agree with him it would be for the best right now.

Never mind about what youve done OP... its out there and you cant take it back..... Think about the WHY - not the act itsself. Why have you become so involved with another man so soon after leaving exH? Why have you allowed your kids to get close to him. Why are you still emeshed in exH mind games. Why have you set up this rather elaborate rouse for your new DP?

If you just stop, take a breath and stand back, things might become clearer. FWIW I think you have chronic low self esteem and this is driving this frantic action - "I need a man to love me / I need to give my kids and man they can adore after their dad being such and arsehole / I cant let go of the patterns on behaviour whereby exH can keep me like a puppet on a string".

I feel so sorry for you but you have to stop...... first things first is never mind about new DP. You need to get your head disentangled from your exH. Once you have done this you will feel stronger. If I were you I would wait for DP to contact and then say that you need to step back and just be friends. That ou have recognised on your own how unbalanced all of this might seem and you want to be friends. And take it slow. Have therapy, focus on fun with you friend DP and your kids. Take off the pressure and get out of this habit of drama.

Its like a drug to some people - the drama ..... takes a while to realise that normal is OK too. But for now this will have affected your relationship with DP. So you need to be the strong one to step back and let it develop again into something better.

You got out of an abusive relationship a year ago, and are already playing happy families with another bloke 🤦‍♀️

Sorry op but I feel really sorry for your kids. Why do you need to involve another man in their lives so soon after the last one?

And frankly what you did with the Facebook thing is really odd. If someone came on here saying a bloke had done this people would be saying to run for the hills. I think you need to be alone and focus on your children,and get some help for your issues.

My children are happy. If at any point they had said they didn’t like him or expressed any attitudes or behaviours about him I would have called a halt. He was introduced as a friend as he was initially a friend of mine going back a couple of years so not a total stranger. He doesn’t come here telling them what to do or looking after them spending time alone with them or acting in any parental capacity whatsoever . He genuinely enjoys spending time with us doing a mixture of activities and the children ask which day he’s coming back when he goes home. I have also had him checked out under Claire’s Law so I have my head well and truly screwed on

But OP yu dont have your head screwed on.... you are still caught up emotionally with exH and now have created this weird fake FB profile.... The fact is - it is HIGHLY likely that you are making these decisions becuase you are emotionally fragile, a bit damaged and dont know rationally how to behave in a normal loving relationship.

You asked what you should do about Y but other people have realised Y isnt your issue - your issue is Y and everything around it. I appreciate that might not be what you wanted to hear, but its sort of unanamious ... so you can do with that information what you will, but thats what a lot of people on the outside looking in, think.

This isn't about having your head screwed on. Your judgement is definitely skewed. You created a fake profile even though that in no way stops your ex from contacting your DP, and you chose to do this prior to a weekend when you know your DP is emotionally vulnerable . . .
I understand why your judgement is skewed. It's because of the abusive relationship with your ex. But the problem here isn't that your DP got upset. The problem is that you thought your response was appropriate in the first place.
I agree with all the PPs suggesting a relationship break and the Freedom Programme.

You have your head screwed on and yet you're creating fake profiles on Facebook and sending messages from your ex. Ok then.

I'm just saying I think you need to focus on yourself and your children and get some support.

Blimey.
OP, please take the advice from the pp above.
I feel for you, I really do, but I also feel for your new boyfriend, who must be very confused. And now wary. I know I would be.

Hopefully, you havent ruined it, but it will take some genuine constructive work to build bridges.

Like others, I think you need to get yourself stable foundations , just as a start.

PPs*.
Not just the one above me!

so I have my head well and truly screwed on

So why did you make the fake account? Can you explain your reasoning?

I have also had him checked out under Claire’s Law so I have my head well and truly screwed on

I have my head well and truly screwed on and it wouldn't occur to me to get someone checked out under Claire's Law because no new fella would be in a position where he would have the opportunity to abuse my kids.

That is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard. What on Earth did you hope to achieve? The getting in first thing doesn’t make any sense if he already knew. It wouldn’t stop the ex contacting him again, and surely new DP would wonder what was going on if ex contacted him twice, with two different accounts telling the same story. Are you sure there’s more you’re not telling us.

Right my love. Sit down. Deep breaths.

You desperately need some distance from the panic you're experiencing to cope with making productive decisions in the short term over the next few days.

If you continue to let yourself get dragged into a downward spiral of panic, self loathing, regret etc you'll be fuelling making it bigger than it needs to be in your own mind.

Sit.

Breathe.

Write down your feelings and reasonings. Externalise them.

Tell your partner you are listening to his reaction (rather than saying no no no please don't leave me etc) and you agree you both need a few days space to get a grasp on what's happene.

You don't need to say anything is forever at the moment, just to be able to healthily function in the moment for the next few days is what's important.

Please don't escalate this more by not giving yourself the chance to step away from the situation and get some perspective.

You've fucked up yes but come on, breathe through this bit and it won't fee as bad forever I promise.

End this relationship. It's too soon.

Get some counselling and do the Freedom Programme. You are incredibly vulnerable and still in the thrall of your abusive ex. You are letting him dictate your behaviour.

Prioritise your children. You should have zero time for men and relationships right now, your entire focus should be on helping them and you recover from the trauma of your abusive marriage and on building their resilience so they can handle his ongoing bullshit. Seriously. drop this sideshow and FOCUS ON YOUR CHILDREN.

For what it's worth I think you have your head screwed on about some issues, OP.

But you still need some counselling as you have been through so much recently.

A friend of mine was in an EA relationship years ago and she still has scars from it.