Ruined a new relationship

[ruinedeverthing1]

Namechanged
Posting here for traffic

I have been such a fool and please can anyone help

Was in a LTR - split last year due to abuse and violence and I filed for divorce. We have DC

Found it really hard but got there in the end. Threats continued I reported them
Got a non mol which he broke. He went back to court was warned . Lots of mind games . Messing about over the kids and contact . Using them to get info about me and what I was doing now etc

End of last year I met someone else. Lovely man. He cares so much about me and my children
They adore him
We have some great times and we’re really growing closer . Said I love you etc. He knows my history and I fell into the the trap of talking about my ex a lot which caused some friction between us

Ex found out from kids I was seeing someone
Next thing comes an anon fraud report to the DSS saying I am working and claiming and have someone living here etc (completely false and malicious )

Many many years ago I worked as a prostutute. My family and current partner know about this (I haven’t hidden it)

Anyway the grief against me all underhand has continued and ex was threatening to contact new partner to tell him things about me . He’s unpredictable and I didn’t doubt for a minute he would. So I did something very stupid (I panicked) and now it’s come back on me (my own fault )

I set up a Facebook profile as my ex (very basic no photo etc) and sent a message to new partner with the info in it that he was threatening to send (about my work life , previous mental health etc . I know it was wrong and stupid and I shouldn’t have done it . I panicked and wasn’t thinking straight . Anyway he’s worked out from the times online that it was me who did it
He needs time to think
Says he loves me but is angry and doesn’t feel he can ever really trust me again

My heart is breaking in pieces. I feel sick. I have come home and gone back to bed. I can smell him on the pillow next to me. I feel so sad. He made me and my children really happy and I have ruined it all. Please someone talk to me

happy you're thinking of Sarah's Law.
OP was wise to do what she did, if she is to be criticised, it wouldn't be in regards to taking steps to reassure herself of her safety given her past relationship.

I dont get it.

If you messaged as the ex. The ex woildnt know that and could still message your boyfriend anyway.

What did you expect your boyfriend to think, if your ex got in touch twice to tell him the same details?

Honestly, if my dp pretended to be his ex, to tell me stuff I already knew and then I realised it was him.....you wouldn't see me for dust.

You need time our for yourself.

Sounds bonkers tbh OP. What you thought you were doing doesn't even make sense and you keep tripping yourself up.

That's sounds batshit, if someone tried to manipulate me like you did to him, I'd block and run. I'd wonder about his motives if he stayed with you after that. It's nowhere near rational behaviour.

You need to sort yourself out first... You have to learn how to disengage from your ex, from all drama and from negativity. You need counselling and to learn normal expectations and interactions.

You need to know who you are, develop a sense of self and be able to openly communicate before you can have healthy relationship.

I agrre with @TFBundy
Anyhow you are using words like your new partner is adoring you, your children are adoring him etc.
But the first thing to tell the new partner was you were a p.....
After he accepted nobody and nothing can change his love for you.
But was you so honest to tell him that immediately?

I have admitted it and apologised he’s said he won’t make any hasty decisions he needs time to think and some time alone especially this weekend. I have apologised and explained I panicked and wasn’t thinking straight and I will give him the time he needs . I will respect that and not bombard the man with messages and my emotions .

I have made an appt for tomorrow with my counsellor (I was seeing her from May - dec last year but stopped at Christmas )

Now I wait .
I panicked I feel embarrassed ashamed at what he must now think of me and very sad at what may be the outcome now.

It wasn’t manipulation or to hurt him it’s not like I expected him to have words or assault the man or get into trouble over it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just felt sheer panic. And now I have no one to blame but myself as he really is a good decent man

Why? Why did you go all weird and send your new bf a message and pretend you were your ex to tell him you were a sex worker when he already knew?

I tell you, Jeremy Kyle has a lot to answer for? Too many weirdos for me to cope with.

Just to add regarding introducing him to the kids. It's not necessarily that he may abuse them. It's also that the kids are getting attached to someone when you've only been together a short time and there's no way of knowing how it will work out. Now you not only have to deal with how you feel about the break up but also deal with your kids and how confused they will feel.

The facebook thing is quite manipulative and shows how insecure you are. There are other lovely men out there, I think you should take a break and give yourself time to heal before committing to another relationship.

I told him within a few weeks and before we became intimate. He was shocked but asked how long ago it was and I told him . He said he’d had causal relationships in the past and everyone has a past but was concerned about the risk of stds . I understood that and knew I was clean with nothing to hide so I arranged a full std screen myself anyway took it and once I had the results I said to him just to let you know I have been tested and I am clean as I knew I was so you have nothing to worry about

OP can you explain how you thought this would stop your ex actually messaging him?

My children are happy.

That's the point. Its incredibly unfair on them to introduce a new person, who does activities with them, spends time with them and forms a bond when you have no idea whether this is going to last and whether that bond will be broken and hurt your DC. You said it yourself; new relationship. It's too soon. And you've also said they ask when he's going to come back when he leaves... so they've already become attached to him! That's a bit irresponsible OP.

I think I get it, it’s a bit like when you fear something bad is going to happen, you make it happen yourself so as to give a feeling of control, and getting it over with.

It's all too soon.
You haven't yet healed from your relationship with your ex. You need to do that first and look after the DC.
When you are whole and healthy and you meet someone new, there will not be this drama, and you will handle things differently.
I'm surprised the new guy didn't run for the hills before now.
look after yourself OP.

If new guy doesn't run for the hills he is probably codependent, and that's not exactly a good/healthy thing.

I think the OP has got the message now, she knows that what she did was a tad weird, so there’s no need to keep on at her about it. She feels bad enough about it.

I’m glad you’ve made an appointment with your counsellor, OP, that’s a positive step. You need to heal first before you’re ready for a relationship, and focus on yourself and your DC.