To call BS!!

[rabbitheadlights]

my OH sleeps through everything! on Sunday night I spent the night in a&e with my 3 yr old ds having a rash investigated I called several times to update him on what was happening re bloods etc ... He slept through the phone!

Last night our youngest woke at 1.15 he has a terrible cough and cold and proceeded to cry and cough for nearly 3 hrs , obviously I got up and did my best to soothe him with calpol and snuffle babe, milk and cuddles etc and he finally went back to sleep at 4.15 in his swing as being upright seemed to help, this meant that I had to stay with him in the lounge (our bedroom is next door) so I sat on the sofa until the 3 yr old woke at 6.30 and then the day begins.

My AIBU is this ... he always says I didn't hear anything! Is this even possible? Is it not in built into us as parents to hear these things especially when your child is in hospital? He always managed with night feeds to wake up etc although admittedly with the youngest not so much!

I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and I'm exhausted after 2 whole nights of no sleep what so ever this week alone and he is just nonchalant about it all!

I can't believe you got pregnant again for someone so uninvolved with the kids you have now. Flame me all you want.

My dh never heard our babies crying either

Get me who is severely deaf and only has 30% hearing in one ear did.

I did however wake him up when it was his turn and he got on with it whilst I went back to sleep.

Yet, if he took them downstairs so I could have a full nights sleep with no interruptions, he would hear them every time.

Wake him up. Everytime he drops off when he should be doing something wake him up.

If he complains he’s tired, remind him you’re pregnant and need rest too.

It’s all relative. I can sleep through an alarm, doorbell, phone ringing. Yesterday, I slept through DH giving DD a shower in the en-suite right next to my bed (not a quiet thing at all) I can sleep through a riot. But when DD comes in and whispers “mummy” I’m awake.

My husband would never have let me sit with a sick child in the emergency room late in my pregnancy let alone to ignore the damn phone or even the rest of your post! He worked full time and would spend the nights with our son In hospital countless times while I took the day shift. I am just shocked. I hope and pray you can eventually get away and live a better life apart from him. I hope you can rest.

@Femfem congratulations on your perfect life and always making the right decisions. Good for you!

Thanks @EKGEMS I will

Rabbit...believe me my life is faaaarrrrrr from perfect. I have made many a mistake. But I have learnt from them and I don't keep doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. It was a very hard and stressful lesson to learn and you need to learn it as well. Maybe this is your rock bottom.

Speak to your husband. Wake him up to do more. Tell him you are too tired and stressed to do all night wakings. Use both the pill and condoms from now on. No condom ...no sex.

I don't wake him cos frankly he's a moody btard if I do

This is your problem. Everyone has the capacity to be a moody bastard if they get woken up, some people chose not to be arseholes over it though. Next time wake him up and tell him it’s his turn.

Do you work? If you don't, it's fair enough you do the night shift.

Unless he specifically asked you, I think you were completely unreasonable to call your DH several times through the night. Unless he can help, or need to come urgently, why trying to wake him up? That's not helping anyone.

To your question can a parent sleep through? Well, yes, I am the mum and I have slept through a few incidents of one of mine being sick, or croup. DH heard, close the doors and dealt with to let me sleep.

Maybe she was worried and stressed and trying to relate updates on THEIR child PAMELAX!

I remember I met exdp when my ds was 2 and a brilliant sleeper, me and his dad had 50:50 contact. So exdp didn’t really see a baby stage as ds would go down at 7:30pm and sleep until 6:30am, unless he was unwell, then he’d climb into our bed, using exdp as a climbing frame to get in, and her wrap his little arms around him, and exdp would be going ‘ssshhh ssshhh back to sleep’ and wake up in the morning asking ‘when did he come in with us?’- no recollection. Then we had our own ds. Exdp would be in bed by 9:30pm we he was up at 4:30am for work and driving was his job, so fairly important he got a full nights sleep for everyone’s safety!l, so I always done the night feeds, this worked for us and I was happy with it. He would only on rare occasions remember in the morning ds crying at night, mostly he snored through it! When ds was 2, my job took me away from home a few nights a week. So he now had to listen! From day one he woke at the slightest thing, a cough, a babble, a sneeze, kicking the side of the cot. So I agree with a pp who said, it’s like they don’t wake up because they know they don’t have too, but when they need to, that state of being on alert kicks in.

I used to hear every single snuffle. Dh often slept through noises

Then dh and I worked out 'his' nights and 'my' nights. we would say to our toddler before bed - if you wake up it is daddy's turn, and we would be rigid with it, I shut the bedroom door and dh had to deal with it. He very, very quickly learned patience and how to change a bed without turning the light on, and where the dry pjs were etc etc.

But a side effect was that on his nights, I slept through the noises of the children, and he suddenly woke at the first cry.

You can learn this behaviour. Your dh has learned to tune it out

he does work long hours (although he was off on Monday/Tues this week) usually between 80-90 hrs

I feel sorry for your DH tbh. There's only 168 hours in a week, if he's able to get 8 hours sleep a night then he has between 22 and 32 hours a week for everything else. That can't be healthy or sustainable.

Have to agree that complaining about never getting any nighttime help from your DH with your two children and going ahead and having a 3rd baby anyway seems a bit contrary. Too late now obviously but you really do need to get this straightened out now before the new baby arrives.

He’s moody? Too bad you’ll have to suck up the moodiness in order to get the help you need, wake him, ignore the chuntering and go to bed. He’ll have to suck up being awakened when you need help. It’s a case of who blinks first and he’s already got you ‘trained’ to think it’s better to deal with fractious children rather than deal with a moody husband. Reverse that.

wow, I missed the bit about working 80-90 hours.
That is pretty full on, no wonder he is tired.

I know it is an unpopular view on mn, but I do think that if one parent is SAHP then they should bear the brunt of the disturbed nights.

However, if the nights are bad, I would expect the working parent to do one night at least over the weekend, so the SAHP can catch up on sleep.

One way of training kids to wake up when they wet the bed is to use an alarm that goes off when it's wet. I guarantee he won't sleep through being kicked in the nuts every time the baby cries. Similar concept, right?

He's working 80-90 hours a week over 5 days? So 16-17 hour days? TBH I'm not surprised he's sleeping through everything. I've done days like that over weekends working in hospitality when I was much younger and even then after a heavy weekend of shifts I'd be dead to the world for 12 hours easy. Could never do it now, it would kill me. I think given that YAB a bit U.

A slight note of caution - I spent years getting annoyed at DH who always slept through everything and was seemingly unable to hear (for example) world war 3 breaking out upstairs etc.

Then he had a hearing test and it turned out he actually had lost most of the hearing in both ears, and whilst he'd taught himself to adjust and could manage when he was in direct conversations with each others, any noises outside of his immediate periphery he genuinely couldn't hear.

So perhaps OP could suggest a hearing test?

Would you prefer help, advice and support to get this useless cock out of your home and your life (well, as much as possible)? MNers are really good at helping women end shitty relationships (there will be a few who either tell you to 'work at it' or strop when you don't immediately gather up the DC and call a cab, but there are plenty who have been there and done it and know how to make it happen.)

I was initially going to suggest sending him for a hearing test, but if he sulks and refuses to co-operate on the nights when it is supposedly his turn - and, as you imply, there are other problems with his shitty attitude - I wouldn't bother trying to find the magic button to make him treat you with respect, just put your energy towards getting rid.

He works 80-90 hours a week?! That's not normal.

Usually I'd join the chorus of calling him lazy and selfish but those work hours are crazy. is it necessary for your family that he pull those hours? What kind of work does he do?

Why were you phoning him all night with updates? Did he ask you to? Was his input needed? Couldn't you have just texted? If you had it in hand and he was watching the baby at home, I don't see why he should be repeatedly woken up if he wasn't going to add value.

If you need help at night- wake him up and tell him. Especially if you're on day 3 of no sleep and pregnant, now is probably a good time for him to at least take a half day or something so you can rest.

Normally I’d say he should be getting up and helping you but 80-90 hours is really really tough!! I’d possibly cut him some slack if that’s a regular thing.

His working hours are intense. This is the trade off you've made. Supporting 3 kids ain't easy.

He might just be a deep sleeper. My dad used to sleep through his alarm that is would wake me or my siblings up in the other room.
I don't know anyone else who sleeps as deeply as him though.

80/90 hours? That's two full time jobs right there. No wonder he needs more sleep.

He does work long hours (although he was off on Monday/Tues this week) usually between 80-90 hrs and I think I (wrongly!) Make too many allowances because of this I think if he's working that many hours then on days when he's at work the next day he shouldn't get up. Thats an insane amount of hours! I work 40 which is plenty with 2 under 5 and 24 weeks pregnant! I work more hours than my partner so he picks up more slack at home.