To call BS!!

[rabbitheadlights]

my OH sleeps through everything! on Sunday night I spent the night in a&e with my 3 yr old ds having a rash investigated I called several times to update him on what was happening re bloods etc ... He slept through the phone!

Last night our youngest woke at 1.15 he has a terrible cough and cold and proceeded to cry and cough for nearly 3 hrs , obviously I got up and did my best to soothe him with calpol and snuffle babe, milk and cuddles etc and he finally went back to sleep at 4.15 in his swing as being upright seemed to help, this meant that I had to stay with him in the lounge (our bedroom is next door) so I sat on the sofa until the 3 yr old woke at 6.30 and then the day begins.

My AIBU is this ... he always says I didn't hear anything! Is this even possible? Is it not in built into us as parents to hear these things especially when your child is in hospital? He always managed with night feeds to wake up etc although admittedly with the youngest not so much!

I'm currently 35 weeks pregnant and I'm exhausted after 2 whole nights of no sleep what so ever this week alone and he is just nonchalant about it all!

And you're still with him because?

He's a twat. He's also got you just where he wants you (can't wake him up because he'll be a moody bastard). What a waste of space.

I know that you are all right but honestly the realisation that I have kind of put myself in this position by allowing it for so long makes me feel a bit sick .... the reality is that I know we are going nowhere long term (the sleeping is just one of many things) but the thought of dealing with the enormity of it all is really just too much at the minute. Some of you seem to think he genuinely may not hear the DC's in the night and that's enough for me to let it go for now until I feel more able to sort things properly (I know that's pathetic) but it is what it is x thanks everyone

Some people are really heavy sleepers. My DH is, he slept through our ceiling light falling off and landing on top of him on the bed! My DS2 seems like he'll be a heavy sleeper too. I can crash about his room and he won't flinch, DS1 however wakes at a creaky floorboard.
I don't think the issue so much is that your OH is a heavy sleeper. More so that he didn't make the effort to stay up to see how your child was, and the fact that if you do wake him then he's a moody twat. I wake DH up if I need him. He gets up, he does what needs doing and he doesn't complain. Your OH sounds like he huffs and puffs because he knows then you will give up asking him. Keep waking him. If has moody, he's moody. If he takes it out on the kids then he's an absolute bell end and I wouldn't stay with someone like that.

Some people really do sleep that heavily.
My first boyfriend's brother was one - he slept through the fire alarm going off in his house and everyone else trying to wake him. ONce he was deeply asleep, he was almost impossible to rouse.

Your problem is not him sleeping through noise.

Why are you putting up with this, and why (I know I will get berated by asking this) are you having a third child with this tosset? Quite frankly how do you even have sex with someone who shows you so little respect.

rabbit. It is huge and scary when you realise, and not easily sorted out. Start making plans - financial planning, an escape fund, thinking about childcare to enable you to go back to work, even (just for short term sanity) plans for a girl's long weekend away, leaving him with the kids (evil genius emoji).

I'm not one for LTB this instant, because I know real life (and real emotions) are more complex. But having watched my sister waste 20 years of her life in a crap marriage, only to die of an early heart attack only a few years after she finally escaped, I'm firmly of the belief that you only get one shot at life, so it had better be a happy, fulfilled one than a miserable one - even if that's a happy, fulfilled one on your own rather than as half of a partnership (I say that as a single parent who had to do all the nights, early mornings, trips to hospital, by myself because there was no-one else, so I know how hard it is).

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Yeah some people are heavy sleepers but you still can and should be waking him up to help. How are you going to manage with a newborn? He's a selfish git.

It's totally possible. I know you are supposed to wake at the slightest sniffle, but after pregnancy I went the other way. I could sleep through an earthquake. We had twins and DH dealt with them at night because I just didn't wake up. Even now (they are 8) I don't hear a thing. Luckily DH is a light sleeper.

I don't wake him cos frankly he's a moody btard if I do and I wouldn't want to inflict that on the youngest nothing major but think ... Huffing and puffing, For gods sake! Within half an hour he just has no patience!! Etc

That makes you sound like a martyr.

You wouldn't be inflicting anything on your DC, he would.

I think it's something to do with your brain letting you go into different sleep stages depending on the necessary state of awareness. If DH is around and awake I will fall asleep properly - someone could take a bulldozer to the house and not wake me up. Otherwise a pin could drop and I'd be up. A child in hospital would keep me awake until I couldn't stay awake any more, though.

Yet another woman continuing to procreate with a selfish, useless bastard. Just why? 🙄

I'm a bit like this. For example, I have my alarm set for the same time every day. On work days I hear it and wake up. On days off I sleep through it 90% of the time. I dont even hit snooze, I just dont wake up. I think it's subconscious. It's like my brain debates risk and consequence before bed, then if it decides I dont need to be alert I go in to a coma.

So I think your OH knowing you will deal with everything means he can go in to that deep sleep.

Start waking him up.

You're right though about the biological thing, I think I'm more tuned into certain sounds now. For example, my husband was out the other night and I didn't wake when he came in or came up to bed but our daughter only has to cough & I am wide awake (expected vs unexpected noises?). I think it's subconscious, I have found myself a couple of times half way to her room before actually properly waking up when she's called out for me!

Does that comment make you feel good about yourself? @Alexa because it does absolutely nothing for me nor the question I asked! 🙌

@Fermats thank you and I'm so sorry for your loss xx my mum passed at 42 so I should know better really

Alexa that's a valid question but not one that's fit for this thread.

Perhaps if you start a thread, you'll get some answers and ideas.

Does that comment make you feel good about yourself? @Alexa because it does absolutely nothing for me nor the question I asked!

Doesn’t make me feel anything tbh. It’s just genuine bemusement at how many posters come on here to moan about their selfish DH/DPs and continue to have children with them knowing they’ll still be selfish. 🤷‍♀️

Alexa that's a valid question but not one that's fit for this thread. Perhaps if you start a thread, you'll get some answers and ideas.

Worra. Someone else upthread said the same. Will you be policing them too?

Apologies if I came across as 'policing', Alexa. My intention was just the opposite.

I do think it's a valid question and that the answers (if honest) would be interesting.

However, I think the question would get lost in a thread like this and as the OP pointed out, it's not what she was asking.

If you've had two nights with no sleep, you need to make it clear to him that he is on duty tonight even if he has to sit up all night to ensure he hears if the children need him.

He does work long hours (although he was off on Monday/Tues this week) usually between 80-90 hrs and I think I (wrongly!) Make too many allowances because of this .

I agree that you need an agreement about when / how often he will get up. If you've been up a large part of the night, then at the very least you should be able to wake him and say, over to you now, and try to get another hour or two of sleep. (my parents had to do that for several years when I was little, glue ear meant I couldn't sleep lying down - my mother used to call change of shifts at about 5 am).

I would say though, that some of us are quite good at staying asleep and/or going instantly back to sleep after rousing, if we know that something is being dealt with. And if you do that you may not have any recollection when you wake in the morning.

A story to illustrate: When my eldest was almost 4, we were visiting my parents overseas. Her room was across the corridor from ours and I'd said, yes she'll be fine in a normal bed. Middle of the night she rolls out of bed and, as it turned out, broke her collarbone. My mother heard and was instantly up to sort it out. Apparently she looked in and told me, it's ok you can go back to sleep. And I did, first I knew of the incident was in the morning.

Aside from the fact that your DH is totally taking you for a ride...

I don't wake every night when our oldest gets into our bed. I do wake for the youngest. I think the brain can subconsciously filter the noise and decides if it needs to wake up or not. So subconsciously your DH probably does hear, but his brain decides it is not worth waking for so goes back to sleep. The reasons for this are the crux of the problem of course.

I'd love to @Acis but he left for work at 9 and won't be back until around 2am