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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that my family has too high expectations of ne?

73 replies

cloudspotter · 14/05/2019 23:30

I've no idea how this might come across, but I'm really interested in views so I'll take the risk.

So I work full time with long hours and long commute. I generally get back from work between 7-9pm and have to go to bed at the latest 11pm to get enough sleep. The rest of the family are in education sector - teaching or attending school, and they all walk to school. They're all home between 4-6pm. And frustratingly, they all seem to need less sleep so stay up later.

I get in from work and then each of them expects/needs me to be fully available to meet all of their needs in the evening, be that cooking, shopping, counsellor, career coach, psychologist, nutritionist, personal trainer, first point of contact for any health complaints (mental or physical), concierge, arranger of external appointments, diary manager, social secretary, payer of bills, provider of cash, finder of random items of household supplies ......

If I fail to pay enough attention to each family member and their needs, they grumble and complain that I don't have time for them, and I get an immense emotional guilt trip from them.

I'm run ragged. I get home at best 7pm. I often spend time making sure food has been cooked by dh and providing it if not.

Then listening to each one of them in turn as they tell me their problems and grumble at me for 30mins - 1hr each.

I then read and answer my emails etc, half of which are family admin. I do any online shop pi g/amazon purchases that are required.

Then I either fall asleep on the sofa or crawl into bed. Often as someone is downloading their problems I'm falling asleep and have to apologise and explain that my body is falling asleep - much as I would like to carry on, I can't.

I can't work out whether this is my problem or theirs, or a bit of both.

Do I have some sort of personality problem like being a major introvert where I am unable to handle being a member of the family? Am I being unreasonable in expecting to have downtime? Or are they being unreasonable in expecting me to have infinite energy to meet all their needs from me?

Or does it even matter - can I set more boundaries?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/05/2019 23:35

How old are your children?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 14/05/2019 23:36

If your DH gets home earlier than you and leaves for work later than you and walks his commute why can't he deal with groceries, admin etc OR desk with the DCs issues and queries.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 14/05/2019 23:44

Children are 13yo and 15yo

Dh is a workaholic and never seems to switch off. As soon as he's home he switches on the laptop and remains on it until he goes to sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloudspotter · 14/05/2019 23:45

In terms of why dh won't deal with all those things, his response is that he doesn't think they're important. He limits his own input by dismissing or refusing to do stuff, thus leaving it for someone else.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 14/05/2019 23:50

I do think it’s your job to be fully available to your children. But it’s also your husband’s job. Sit down with him and explain it all. Calmly, not accusingly.
You could decide that on x nights he’ll do dinner, on others (maybe just the weekend) you will. And get your 15 year old to help out. And you can share the family admin. If you are feeling overwhelmed no one is benefitting.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 14/05/2019 23:56

I can understand why you feel so worn down but the main problem here isn't lack of boundaries for the dc imo, it's that your DH has opted out.

The dc do still need their parents and while I would think they are old enough to do some of the practical stuff for themselves, I think what you see as grumbling and unloading their problems may just be them looking for emotional support. I acknowledge that you have a lot on your plate but then where do you (and I mean both of you) intend to make time for the dc if not when you get home in the evening?

OwlBeThere · 14/05/2019 23:59

This post is weird. The way you talk about your family is like they are just these people you live with, I genuinely didn’t realise you meant your husband and kids until the end.
You seem quite detached, maybe because you are exhausted.

You have a husband and two teens old enough to do things like cook and clean etc, how many emails are you getting a day?! What for, I have 4 kids around the ages yours are and I get maybe 4/5 a month?
As for the problems, yes that is something to prioritise in this Talking to your kids matters. But it really doesn’t mean it should take that long every single day.

The short answer if you need to give them responsibilities but you also need to let go that they don’t always do it your way.

Original poster
cloudspotter · 15/05/2019 00:01

I agree about being available for the children. I think it's dh that's struggling. He needs me as emotional support as, well. I just don't have time for them all to have a 1:1 session with me every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloudspotter · 15/05/2019 00:05

I think I'm detached because I have no choice. Either I get completely sucked in to each of their individual emotional and mental health problems or I detach so I can at least remain "strong" enough to keep going.

OP posts:
MariaNovella · 15/05/2019 00:09

Your husband and children expect you to be emotionally available for them. Your children need to upload to you in order to manage their thoughts and feelings.

You do not have enough time to receive everything your family needs to upload to you and do your job and other chores and have some space for yourself.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 15/05/2019 00:11

It's hard to know what to advise cloud. Do they all actually have mental health problems and if so are they being treated? I think if they do you can see why they need you in the evenings but obviously that means you're stretched really thin Sad.

I have to agree with what Owl said. To me you almost seem to be talking about random colleagues or housemates - people you don't have much emotional connection with. Is it possible you're suffering from depression? Sorry I don't mean to do the MN armchair diagnosis but you "read" like you're so worn down you've almost switched off.

MariaNovella · 15/05/2019 00:13

Families do need to synchronise in order to function. And synchronisation takes time.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 15/05/2019 00:15

Yes but maria the dc are 13 and 15. If the family's not "synchronized" now when will they be?

MariaNovella · 15/05/2019 00:16

Synchronisation needs to happen every day.

MariaNovella · 15/05/2019 00:18

It doesn’t sound to me as if the OP is fundamentally emotionally detached. Just short of time to do everything she needs to do.

OwlBeThere · 15/05/2019 00:20

I understand what your saying about it being defensive for your own MH.

Could you maybe elaborate on what the issues are with the children? Maybe we can determine whether this is really stuff that needs an hour and a half at least daily of your time/energy or if a bit more resilience in them is needed.

Haggisfish · 15/05/2019 00:21

You need to outsource. So hire a cleaner and buy in ready meals during the week. Loads of companies to choose from. Make half an hour for each child and make it clear that is ‘their’ time.

Girlzroolz · 15/05/2019 00:22

I think these kids of yours are a bit hard-done by, with two overworked detached parents. Something in the household needs to change drastically.

You don’t get many years where the kids actually want to involve you in their lives- share the positive and challenging things in their day. It’s your opportunity to guide them, and create balanced decent adults.

Sorry but I think you’ve got things backwards. Your kids don’t exist to support your work life, work should support family life. Teens wanting to engage with you can’t seriously be seen as an inconvenience preventing you getting more sleep.

Sure you can skill everyone else up to be more independent with household jobs and processing their day with each other (or friends), but I think a complete review of you and your DH’s work hours is needed. And certainly a review of the ‘wifework’ that everyone is outsourcing to you.

MariaNovella · 15/05/2019 00:23

Do you have family WhatsApp group chats? That’s an excellent supporting tool to family synchronisation that can cut down on time spent in the evening.

horizontalis · 15/05/2019 00:29

As is so often said on MN...

You have a DH problem. You are both parents and should be dividing that responsibility equally. At the moment it isn't happening and everything, both physical and emotional, gets dumped on you.

Time to go on strike.

MariaNovella · 15/05/2019 00:33

It’s not a division of responsibilities issue first and foremost. It is first and foremost a communication issue.

specterlitt · 15/05/2019 00:35

Please do not mind me saying this, but there is a big majority who are not in sector's like education or who do shift work, do come home around 7/8 every evening, and have to leave around 7/8 in the morning and still do what they need to for family members etc. (I am one of these people, as is the rest of my family). So your time is not something that strikes out as something that's very out of the ordinary. If you feel you are really struggling to cope with this, if feasible, maybe look at other roles where you can finish earlier or start later?

Of course your children want you to be there for them, and your husband, but there does need to be a balance and understanding from ALL members of the family. Perhaps you can establish a timetable with your husband regarding who cooks what day, also who helps with the children on what day. Same goes for other things for work, who can do lunches etc. Compromise and understanding by all will also have results for all.

Speak to your husband, come up with a plan. As for being emotionally available, that is something kids always expect parents to be. Perhaps once the manual work is split with your husband (your kids are also old enough to begin to get involved now too to be fair), you will feel more emotionally available and happy to be around.

Good luck with it all, this is definitely something the family need to figure out and not something that solely depends on you.

OldAndWornOut · 15/05/2019 00:37

I think its reasonable to expect a little time to yourself at the end of a long day.
I would sod off into the bathroom for an hour or so; they'll manage.
I'd also think about getting a cleaner.

MethusalahsMum · 15/05/2019 00:41

For your own physical, emotional & psychological wellbeing, you need time & space to yourself to rest & recuperate. Never mind being an introvert (don’t label it) you need what you need.

It sounds like you are running on fumes, & the risk of this is that you have do not capacity to handle anything unexpected or prolonged. Camel, back, straw etc. Your project is to be you, building your resilience & enjoy living your moments.

Your DH & kids need to learn that you - & everybody else in the world - are not available to them on an ad hoc moment’s call at their convenience.

You do need to adjust your expectations of how your family home is run. Evening meals in the week can be eggs on toast- no one will starve - with a slap up nosh at the weekend. Likewise household admin done once a week - if it’s not in the To Do, To Pay basket ready for the Admin Hour, then it does not get done or paid.

For you, wind down for a rest & decent night’s sleep begins at 9.30pm.
So anything that needs to be done is done by 09.30pm, no new tasks, no answering the phone, no new chats. Relaxing bath (door firmly shut), in bed with a good book & relaxing music (door shut). Lights out at 11:00.

As a family, you are a team. Early teens need to learn & pitch in as a life skill. Now is a good time for the family to pull together.
If others are in the house at least an hour before you, they prepare & cook supper for the family to be served when you are due. This is important set of life skills -time management, organisation & contracting between adults - that your teens need to develop & hone, PLUS it shows you respect as a working parent out of the house for most of the day. They also do washing up, clean loos, laundry, hoover & tidy up so the place is nice for when you get home.

But most of all, your DH needs to step up & engage. You are carrying too much of the load of parenthood & running a house. Perhaps you need to step back, accept the resultant disorganisation & disruption for a while, so that he can pick up his share. Of course, this may take some preparation & negotiation.

MethusalahsMum · 15/05/2019 00:54

‘Then I either fall asleep on the sofa or crawl into bed. Often as someone is downloading their problems I'm falling asleep and have to apologise and explain that my body is falling asleep - much as I would like to carry on, I can't.’

I felt so sad & annoyed for you when I read this. You need sleep, your body is telling you stop what you are doing & rest. You are not to be at other people’s beck & call at the expense of your well-being. So stop apologising & tell them they will have to wait until tomorrow morning or the weekend.

Besides, what is ‘downloading a problem’ ?
It sounds to me, if they are trashing your boundaries & need for sleep, more like they are dumping on you rather than learning how to manage their own emotions & challenges.

I can't work out whether this is my problem or theirs, or a bit of both.

Do I have some sort of personality problem like being a major introvert where I am unable to handle being a member of the family? NO
Am I being unreasonable in expecting to have downtime? NO
Or are they being unreasonable in expecting me to have infinite energy to meet all their needs from me? YES they are being unreasonable