To feel that my family has too high expectations of ne?

[cloudspotter]

I've no idea how this might come across, but I'm really interested in views so I'll take the risk.

So I work full time with long hours and long commute. I generally get back from work between 7-9pm and have to go to bed at the latest 11pm to get enough sleep. The rest of the family are in education sector - teaching or attending school, and they all walk to school. They're all home between 4-6pm. And frustratingly, they all seem to need less sleep so stay up later.

I get in from work and then each of them expects/needs me to be fully available to meet all of their needs in the evening, be that cooking, shopping, counsellor, career coach, psychologist, nutritionist, personal trainer, first point of contact for any health complaints (mental or physical), concierge, arranger of external appointments, diary manager, social secretary, payer of bills, provider of cash, finder of random items of household supplies ......

If I fail to pay enough attention to each family member and their needs, they grumble and complain that I don't have time for them, and I get an immense emotional guilt trip from them.

I'm run ragged. I get home at best 7pm. I often spend time making sure food has been cooked by dh and providing it if not.

Then listening to each one of them in turn as they tell me their problems and grumble at me for 30mins - 1hr each.

I then read and answer my emails etc, half of which are family admin. I do any online shop pi g/amazon purchases that are required.

Then I either fall asleep on the sofa or crawl into bed. Often as someone is downloading their problems I'm falling asleep and have to apologise and explain that my body is falling asleep - much as I would like to carry on, I can't.

I can't work out whether this is my problem or theirs, or a bit of both.

Do I have some sort of personality problem like being a major introvert where I am unable to handle being a member of the family? Am I being unreasonable in expecting to have downtime? Or are they being unreasonable in expecting me to have infinite energy to meet all their needs from me?

Or does it even matter - can I set more boundaries?

In terms of why dh won't deal with all those things, his response is that he doesn't think they're important. He limits his own input by dismissing or refusing to do stuff, thus leaving it for someone else.

I'm really confused as to why most other pp haven't picked up on this. You don't have a personality defect defect OP, you have a 'd'h defect. If he pulled his weight, physically and was emotionally available, your dc would find it equally easy to download their problems to him. I'm assuming that he also expects you to listen to his problems, as well as doing everything else?

Don't make yourself a martyr. Tell him something has to change fundamentally because as it stands you're co-existing rather than living. You sound completely beaten and I agree that it sounded like you were describing a house share rather than a family environment.

If your DH doesn’t think shopping is important, try not doing it for a week and see how he gets on.

yy.

Your DH shouldn't be sitting on his laptop working all evening, that's just not fair. You definitely need to speak to him about pulling his weight more. And as you've said, your kids do need you. You're their parent and if they have emotional issues then, as a parent, you and their dad, are the people they need to speak to.

Is there nothing you can do about your job if it's pushing you so much? Any way to work more flexibly or from home one day a week? You do need to look after yourself too.

Lots of helpful ideas, first off my suggestion would be for you to book in some time for you, whether that's a bath, walk, day off, weekend away, whatever is practical and achievable, use that time to reflect and think about what needs to change for you and your family. Have a family meeting talk about all your strengths as a family, favourite family memories and ask about what could be better, what could each family member do differently and make a plan from there. The plan needs to be achievable, even if in the first instance you each do one thing differently and work on that.

Could be as simple as mid week you get a take away delivered and you all sit down together eat, talk and relax.

Maria can you say more about why you are critical of resilience? I'd been keen to hear more.

Best of luck OP

Unfortunately, “resilience” has become a bit of a modern way of describing “stiff upper lip”. It really wasn’t meant to be that: resilience is a slow burning skill whereby you learn, bit by bit, to analyse life’s challenges on your own and reach out for help in a targeted way. But it gets bandied about as a excuse for, in particular, leaving children to get in with life on their own without adult assistance. Children do not have the emotional analysis skills to do this.

So your DH refuses to get involved in what he deems 'unimportant' tasks and then complains you're not available enough to him ? Hmm.
You may have a few organisational issues that you could smooth out eg only reading emails at certain times; teaching DD (15) whilst you're cooking and giving her responsibility for one meal per week, etc. But your lack of availability for DH is a direct consequence of his lack of engagement with family life.
You need to set some new boundaries.
Whether or not you can change your hours, shorten your commute, etc, are separate issues to your family not working as an unit.

Op. You do need to be emotionally available for your family, that can’t be outsourced.
But in return given your working out of the house hours vs theirs, they should be doing the practical and logistic shit.
Teens can do the dishwasher and help with food, dh should do shopping and bills.
I do understand teaching requires a lot of evening prep work but he cannot just opt out of family practical stuff.

They are all taking you for granted. See what your DD's could reasonably manage and start getting them to take more responsibility. All the stuff that your DH thinks isn't important, don't do. And keep working on it. Each week pick something that you know someone else could do, and make the point.

Does your DH step up during school holidays? My DH is a teacher and he does all shopping and meal planning, laundry, kids appointments during school hols. I do most of it during term time weekdays. We both do everything that needs to be done on weekends.

I sometimes work a long day with a long commute and when I get home I prefer to eat alone and decompress, but after that I reconnect with my DDs and DH. I think you perhaps are expecting too much of yourself. It's fine to say 'I am tired, can this conversation wait until Saturday'? Also, are you trying to problem solve when your DDs talk to you or just listening? Just listening and acknowledging their feelings can make the conversation end sooner!

If your DH is home for a few hours before you are home, he has plenty of time to do what he needs to for his job. DH has colleagues who pull the 'too busy with work' card to avoid all domestic responsibilities. I would not be impressed by that.

At the very least you could both meal plan and shop at the weekend and your DH - with the help of your DC

• should have dinner ready for you all when you come home from work. Most other stuff can wait until the weekend.

The emotional drain of teenage girls? I can empathise with that. My youngest DD is 13 and emotionally very needy. I think having DDs makes it more likely for the DH to drift away and deal less than the mother does with some of the issues they see as more trivial. However, that is why your DH needs to be available for the more practical stuff. Anyway, he is their father and should still be available to them to retain a connection. If he is a teacher he surely must be interested in young people and know how to communicate with them.

Yes, you have a DH problem.

Springwalk worded it all much better than me!

So essentially you have 3 children and are a single parent. Who is there for you emotionally?

I had a colleague who always stopped somewhere on the route to home to have 15 peaceful minutes by herself. She also had a selfish husband though.

Tbh, I don't think that you should try to support your DH's emotional needs since he does not support your needs. I also think he needs a kick up the butt and I fail to see how this can be a good relationship if he lets you get burned out like this without helping out and caring for you.

How do you commute? If it's on the train / bus can you do some of the family admin during that time? (I used to commute nearly 2 hours each day - I signed up to the OU and did an entire degree mostly on the train… but you could use any time you have like that for you - listening to podcasts etc)

Your children are old enough to pick up some of the household slack, it's good preparation for when they leave home. Your DH needs to step up too.

In your position I'd break down what needs doing on a monthly / weekly / daily basis and portion it out. If DH still thinks some of those things don't need doing - nobody does them until you need to dig out of the hole that it causes and then he's the person to fix it.

Do you eat around the table together? that's a perfect time for "how was your day / what's going on in your life" conversations.

I feel your pain though. I like the idea of Cranston's friend taking 15 minutes out of her commute!

you need to do a rota which is on the fridge door which all the responsibilities and who does what on a daily basis. At their age your kids should be able to cook themselves and you and your DH dinner for example!

At their age your kids should be able to cook themselves and you and your DH dinner for example!

I wouldn’t want my GCSE years DC tone responsible for putting dinner on the table.

I too don’t get why not many pps are commenting on how selfish your DH is. Why do you martyr yourself to him like this? I’m genuinely puzzled and not being snarky, by the way. It’s so obvious what the problem here (your DH doing fuck all) that I’m really surprised people are searching for answers in synchronisation(what do you mean by that?)/giving up your job/changing your working life.

Also while I'm all for encouraging resilience in young people, that doesn't mean being emotionally unavailable to them. Teaching resilience is about taking the time to coach them through their problems while allowing them to find their own solutions, safe in the knowledge you'll catch them when they (inevitably) fall. It's not about letting them muddle by on their own. I don't have a scooby what synchronisation means. I guess it's a fancy title for rubbing along together well.

How on earth can your DH deem household chores as 'unimportant" ; how the hell does he think your function without shopping/cleaning etc?

He also need to spend more time talking/listening to your teens to take the pressure off you.

If you are seriously physically facing asleep every night, it might be worth getting your thyroid checked out? What time are you up in the mornings?

Also the kids are old enough to do some food prep before you get home; stick a list on the wall/spend weekends taking them through it and just tell them to get it done. They should also be able to manage their own laundry by now.

I don't think 30-60 minutes a day with your DC is much at all. How much time would you prefer? 10/15 minutes? Maybe you are looking at this wrongly. Maybe the problem is not how to reduce this time you have for your kids but to reduce the time you spend on other things so you can spend more time with your children.

So what did you decide, OP?

A few more observations

Commuting is tiring, either driving through traffic or sitting cheek by jowl on bus or train. Wrapped round long hours of work, this is a very long day for you. What can you reasonably do now to improve this situation?

Getting home in a two hour window does mean that the rest of the family do not know when they can have time with you. This uncertainty is not helping you.

If you are doing chores (e.g. shopping) that delay you getting home, knock that on the head.
Can you manage your time to be home routinely & reliably within a 15 minute window? That’ll make it far easier for a meal cooked by others, to a rota, to be served when you get home, & spend some family time around the table. Year 7s do some basic cooking so your 13 & 15 yos will be capable of getting something on the table, they can certainly duet with their father until they are more confident. It is reasonable if you get home at a predictable time that the rest of the family get something ready to match that.
Can you work from home one day a week to save yourself the hassle, wear & tear of commuting?

I get the impression that you are doing a demanding full time role on compressed hours PLUS long commuting hours. That half day at work with your standard commute is not an efficient use of your time as you robbing Peter to pay Paul, & you are taking the hit or toll in your family life.

So this begs some questions about this format at work being right for you at this time. Would it be easier to have a 5 day week & work from home to cut the commuting load? Could you formally amend your contract to go part-time, e.g. three normal length days with the commute.

If you DH works & then is glued to his laptop, then his quality of life is not optimal. Is he working extra hours, escaping the reality of family life or retreating as R&R? Is he over committed at work ?

I suggest you & DH go away for a short break - away from routine, kids & work, so that’s a midweek break. Subvert your routine, get away & talk about you are doing with your lives, have some space to explore if this is the working life you each want & as a team. What is it you want & how do you get there? Agree some small changes that you both commit to - e.g. I will manage work situation so that I am home every day within 15 minute window, I will work with kids to a rota to have dinner ready for us to all eat together at X o’clock on your work days. I will find out if I can amend my work contract etc. Commit to trying it out for x weeks - say now until school hols begin.

@cloudspotter, if you are not getting the rest & quality of sleep you need, you are at risk of burning out. You need to address this situation for your own benefit, & then for the rest of your family.

None of us can ‘have it all’. We all adapt & make compromises to make the best of what we have & to get what we need. So be kind to yourself & look at the changes that you & the rest of the family can make.

So much food for thought, and no time to reply!! I drafted a long response and then my phone wiped it out.

First I reflected on a couple of things. One was that we'd been up north and back to a family do at the weekend. Much as I love my family and love seeing them, I realised long ago that going away in term time wasn't viable alongside our long working weeks. It's just too exhausting - no time to get organised, catch up on house work, washing, tidying etc.

Secondly, it was a bad week for exhaustion at work - my job isn't always as mentally tiring as it has been the past few weeks.

Thirdly, all three of the family were having a major crisis of some sort and needed support.

So I think these three things topped me over rom a situation that is usually in fragile balance.

We lost our cleaner when she was stealing money from us, and since then the domestic stuff has been too much. Plus I've done my classic thing of gradually picking up stuff when other people don't do it. Then they start to assume I will do it, and so on. Eventually it becomes "my" job again until I delegate out.

So what am I going to change?

Well, without over-reacting, I'll take the advice to sit down with dh once we're over the worst, and re-establish some ground rules and boundaries. Solve the family needs better.

Then I will remember that first and foremost I am a mum. I'm not sure my mum ever had time for much conversation because she was too busy doing housework.

I've got to put my girls first.

If your DH isn't prepared to pull his weight then stop doing things for him. Seriously. If he doesn't think it's important to worry about chores or grocery shopping or family admin, then let him get on with his own stuff. Don't do his laundry, don't include him in meals, don't sort out any of his bills - leave him to it. And after a couple of weeks of no help, he can then have a think about whether he still thinks that these things are unimportant.