To feel that my family has too high expectations of ne?

[cloudspotter]

I've no idea how this might come across, but I'm really interested in views so I'll take the risk.

So I work full time with long hours and long commute. I generally get back from work between 7-9pm and have to go to bed at the latest 11pm to get enough sleep. The rest of the family are in education sector - teaching or attending school, and they all walk to school. They're all home between 4-6pm. And frustratingly, they all seem to need less sleep so stay up later.

I get in from work and then each of them expects/needs me to be fully available to meet all of their needs in the evening, be that cooking, shopping, counsellor, career coach, psychologist, nutritionist, personal trainer, first point of contact for any health complaints (mental or physical), concierge, arranger of external appointments, diary manager, social secretary, payer of bills, provider of cash, finder of random items of household supplies ......

If I fail to pay enough attention to each family member and their needs, they grumble and complain that I don't have time for them, and I get an immense emotional guilt trip from them.

I'm run ragged. I get home at best 7pm. I often spend time making sure food has been cooked by dh and providing it if not.

Then listening to each one of them in turn as they tell me their problems and grumble at me for 30mins - 1hr each.

I then read and answer my emails etc, half of which are family admin. I do any online shop pi g/amazon purchases that are required.

Then I either fall asleep on the sofa or crawl into bed. Often as someone is downloading their problems I'm falling asleep and have to apologise and explain that my body is falling asleep - much as I would like to carry on, I can't.

I can't work out whether this is my problem or theirs, or a bit of both.

Do I have some sort of personality problem like being a major introvert where I am unable to handle being a member of the family? Am I being unreasonable in expecting to have downtime? Or are they being unreasonable in expecting me to have infinite energy to meet all their needs from me?

Or does it even matter - can I set more boundaries?

Methusalah I don't see that you can be so definite that they are the problem and just need to accept their mum doesn't have the energy for them.

The Op hasn't posted a lot on her thread but she has referred to them having emotional and mental health issues. I'm not sure whether those are diagnosed issues or she was using those terms in the same way she described being nutritionist, personal trainer, psychologist etc but these are her children and both she and their dad certainly appear to want to opt out, for whatever reasons. I don't think it's at all fair to tell them their emotional needs can't be met until tomorrow or the weekend.

There is a difference between supporting your family and being a slave to them.
I'm sure they don't need to take up every minute of the op's time away from work, particularly considering they've been home with their dad for 2-3 hours before she gets through the door.

I have 14 & 19 year old sons, I’m lucky if they talk to me 30 mins a day, what they will say is school/uni was fine, what are we having for tea, I’ll cook and do X, and I need my kit for tomorrow. That’s about it!! Maybe I’m lucky that they don’t have problems to offload 🤷🏻‍♀️. Do your dc have additional needs? Maybe that will explain it a bit more.

It's a DH problem first off. If he won't get off his laptop and pull his weight as a parent and family member, he doesn't get to dump his shit on you. New rule there for you. I assume he's the one 'downloading' as you go to sleep - start telling him he'll need to stop work earlier if he expects you to be awake to listen.

As PP's have said, your DH needs to step up and help out more with the household tasks and parenting - if he's getting home considerably earlier than you, he could at least make an evening meal most nights.

Re. The children off-loading to you. I think that's part of parenting and it's v. draining sometimes! Mine are 14 and nearly 11 and they do exactly the same. But it's also a sign that they trust you and feel comfortable sharing their thoughts/concerns with you, which is a good thing.

I have to be upfront about needing a little time to myself as DS especially could talk for hours! Your DC are old enough to understand that everyone needs some downtime, so just tell that you need it and take it. Personally, I like to listen to the radio/watch something online while I do certain evening chores like washing up or folding clean clothes. I'm still getting things done, but enjoy the peace and feel much more relaxed when I've had that break from everyone.

I don't think you have a DH problem. You've got a job problem. Your priorities are wrong. Your job is taking up all your time and energy, you have nothing left for the stuff that really matters.
Leave the job.

It's all very well to say "leave the job", but a) households can't run on fresh air, and b) why should it be the OP who cuts back on their career?

I agree with the posters saying that your husband needs to step up a bit more here. This isn't just a question of synchronising your diaries: it goes deeper than that. Somehow you have ended up subjugating yourself to everybody else's needs, without addressing your own. As they say in aeroplane emergencies, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first.

What could you do to carve out some time to regenerate your own energy? You do not solely exist to service the needs of everybody else, and you will burn out if you keep on like this.

Have you spoken to your husband about the effect this is having on you?

I'm wondering if it's more of a organisational issue?

When it's a busy household teens need to step up. You are training then for uni, or just adult life. They can do a spaghetti Bolognese, stir fry, or fajitas, . They can also be in charge of packed lunches for everyone if that's applicable.

Organise your evening meals, have fresh pasta and sauce in the fridge at all times. Mine would cook this for themselves but do enough for everyone. If not eaten it was used for lunches the following day.

I hated, loathed, mid week panics about school uniform, so I just bought extra shirts and trousers and skirts. Bit of an outlay but it was one less thing to worry about.

Get them doing dishwasher, even putting on one laundry wash a day is a huge help.

I'm not ignoring what you said about emotional and mental health needs, but sometimes having tasks is beneficial because teens tend to talk when doing.

I would make a batch of cakes, that's great as it's 15 or 20 minutes one to one with them. Always let them do the mixture beating, gets rid of teen emotional angst.

Not being flippant, it's just always worked for us. Same with sock sorting, great teen chat time. opportunity.

But for you personally, my message is this. You can't give emotional support to those around you, if you are emotionally exhausted physically exhausted yourself.

Not ashamed in the slightest to admit that I have been where you are. I felt like i was on a hamster wheel all day long. I visited my gp, told him everything. Firstly I had blood tests, and secondly he offered to sign me off for a month. He put shingles on the sick note.

I sorted house out, stocked freezer, decluttered, reorganised and just had time to myself I recharged myself with time out. Because I had more time i was more relaxed and everything's else relaxed.

I had a thread yesterday about not wanting to work as hard anymore and take on a new role.

Lots said take the job and reassess in a year.

I declined it today and feel so relieved. But your reality could have been mine and I was (am) really trying to avoid that.

What is your financial situation? Do you and your dh both need to put your careers before family?

OP, I was you for 10 years.
Any suggestion that we get outside help/he pull his weight a bit more/we move closer to my job (main breadwinner) were dismissed outright.

We split up 3 years ago, DD and I moved closer to my job. It’s utter bliss. Absolute bliss.
I gained 2 hours a day of my life by not commuting.
I now have time to clean, cook, be there for DD, have a life, rest and look after myself. And I didn’t realise just how much mental and physical space my exH took, I now have loads of spare time.

No one goes to their graves thinking I wish I worked more.

Your commute is stealing the time you would have for you.

You can steal a bit back by not worrying about DH’s dinner - he should be cooking except for you could cook a family meal or a couple meal on a Saturday or Sunday (get takeaway some fridays).

Can you get the teens to do something with you like yoga/box set or do a deal where they make you a cup of tea and then you listen. You don’t have long before they will be off and seperate, so I would treasure the fact they do talk to you.

So much helpful advice here, good old mumsnet hive mind! Too many to reply individually but wow, thank you all.

It's helpful to see the range of views. I adore my dh and dc, but I can see that I'm not quite meeting any of their emotional needs for time together to talk over the day. I hate living in a state of tension where everything is suboptimal. But I think it is suboptimal rather than a disaster.

I've spent my whole career 4 days then 4 1/2 days until now, simply to give myself a little bit more time and space to do it all.

Still on those weekdays it's not enough time in the evening. Maybe my own energy levels are a problem - as one OP said, many people outside education do an 8-8 day our of the house and still manage.

I think there's still an element of idealism going on in my head that I should be able to do this, and I'm letting them down. Dh definitely feels I don't have enough time/energy left for him. He does cook dinner, it's just sporadic and the time is a bit unpredictable.

I do need to let them be a bit resilient and independent - especially with food. There is no real reason for me to pitch in when I get in.

Thank you all for clarifying for me what I instinctively knew and have always known - my lovely dds and their needs are the priority. I think the fact that they want to talk to me every day is a good reflection that I have always been 100% there for them. I've always made time and energy. I think it's dh who is finding it tough, and I'm pitching in to support him more. I might need to talk to him.

If you are exhausted you might benefit from devising a strict timetable (blocking out some time for yourself and allocating some specific tasks to DH and DC). There's a bank holiday weekend not far off - could be a project for then? It's just easier when you're tired with no headspace to follow a schedule. I'm guessing your DH is a teacher so half term is an opportunity for him to sort himself out a bit.

A lot of 15yo and 13yo need an adult to be interested in them and often a sounding board for their problems. Being a teenager is an incredibly difficult and confusing time for a lot of them. I really wouldn't get annoyed at them because you find it hard to spare 30 mins a day on them.

However, your DH needs to get a grip. Teaching can take over your life if you let it and he needs to create some healthy boundaries between work and home. "Workaholic" is a nice was of saying "neglecting his family because he prefers work" and it is a choice he's making.

Do the teenagers have chores? If they were doing a job or two each that would really help your exhaustion.

You need to get out of that way of thinking re the DH. The point of marriage is to support each other.

DH and I are both teachers so we don't get to pull that card!

I think it’s two different problems.
Your children are at a stage many children find challenging and yet their parents both seem to want them to exist without proper parental support and attention. Strikes me you might need to reduce your hours or something and focus on your family. Talking is more important than shopping on Amazon. Working is ‘me time’ - it’s certainly not ‘my children are really important time’.

Also strikes me your husband should be sharing the tasks. If he's teaching then he does also need to work outside of school hours. That said he also needs to do his fair share of chores.

Good grief, cloud, there are some unsympathetic buggers on MN.

You are doing too much. Outsource all domestic tasks and insist your husband pays part of the cost.

Give your children some household/family responsibilities - when they’ve completed those and their homework, then they can talk to you. Because of your long working day, they need to help you by freeing up your time (by taking more responsibility for themselves and each other).

If you have to be in bed by 11, make 10pm your cut-off point. At 10, Mum goes for a bath. Only nice things to be said to each other after that time. Anyone with a particular problem needing urgent talk can flag it up by text before you get home from work, so they don’t get missed out in the 7-9pm phase.

Don’t provide domestic services or management for your husband at all - he’s an adult. Your children are old enough to learn - I did my own washing, ironing and room cleaning by 13.

Take a firm line with work. Don’t do more than you have to. Ask yourself if what you are doing benefits you. If it doesn’t, why are you doing it?

If you carry on as you are, a breakdown is a real possibility. People are calling you ‘detached’ but I’m reading about someone at the end of their line. Detachment is the stage before collapse.

Your family obviously value you and look to you for guidance. Guide them into accepting that you need nurturing, too.

I know of families where all the children have gone into meltdown (serious psychiatric problems) because of lack of attention/communication/synchronisation with their parents. For teens, talking to an involved parent very regularly indeed is often critical to well being. It can’t be reduced in the name of “resilience” (which is a concept I have little faith in).

Two observations -

At 13 and 15 there is no reason why the kids shouldn't be mucking in with some of the household responsibilities and helping with meal prep. They are reaching an age where it's entirely appropriate to learn that shared responsibilities mean that everyone benefits. By pitching in, you'll have more time to spend with them getting a download of their day - which benefits them because they want time with you.

And your DH sounds like a selfish dick. How it is not that important to feed your family FFS?! And it's all well and good him feeling like you don't have time or energy for him, but perhaps he needs to make the connection between that issue and his lack of input and support. Again, by sharing the load you would have more time and energy for him. Apart from anything else I'd find it very difficult to be interested - or attracted to - someone who is so selfish and wrapped up in his own bubble that he can't even sling some pasta in a pot to feed his kids.

This needs a come to Jesus style family meeting. Everyone needs to understand that they have a part to play in making things work harmoniously. On a longer term note, is it worth looking at a change of job to see if you can try and reduce your commute? I do a long one as well and it's a killer, so I sympathise.

All that stuff your H thinks is 'not important'? Stop doing it. (Apart from listening to DC when they are distressed.)
If it's important then he will have to do it. If it's not important, then it's not important and you no longer need to do it.

I think you need to cut back your hours again or find a job more local to you until your children leave for university.

Your DH needs to do more.

I am the same position as you.
I have two dds same age. It is emotionally draining supporting them. No one told me this stage would be much harder than any other.
Unless you have experienced this first hand, it is impossible to convey just how hard it is balancing everything else. You can’t outsource emotional support. I definitely don’t have the answers, but some of these things worked for me:

I asked my dds to text me with any problems they have/had that day. Many of these things you can address on your way home, leaving the evening free to deal with the most serious issues.

I capped the time to half an hour in the evening, but devoted that time entirely to them. No phones or interruptions. I also take time to hug them and reassure them with any worries. I always always insist on ending in a high, what is going well, rather than a focus on all the bad things/feelings. I think unless you cap the downloading it can stretch into general moaning and whinging.

An afternoon once a month with each child to spend some tome together doing something fun.

I don’t get involved with masses of cooking. Ever. Noodles, stir fry’s, pasta and lots and lots of salads. Anything that can be rustled up in ten minutes. Everyone is expected to help and talk at the same time.

Setting aside time for you - every week. Even just an hour or two at the weekend is essential. You will burn out otherwise.

I found my dh wanted to help but just didn’t understand why my dds were upset, he tried to understand, but in the end it just puzzled him and his ‘help’ would miss the mark, and often make things worse! So maybe your dh feels out of his depth with the tsunami of emotions, rather than unwilling?

This is a tough patch. Remaining slightly detached is a coping mechanism. You can’t afford to sink. Do you manage how you need to.
I think having cut off times, boundaries will help. Your dds need to learn boundaries too, this will be good for them in the long run.

it is hard op! I am so exhausted on every level too.

Your children do not have high expectations of you, they expect a parent to be there for them, to deal with their emotional stuff.

Perhaps if they had parents who were more present, they wouldn’t “grumble” every night.

You and your DH need to work out how you can be parents, but TBH if you haven’t done it by the time they are teenagers I wonder how it’s only just become a problem.

If your DH doesn’t think shopping is important, try not doing it for a week and see how he gets on.

What is synchronisation?