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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact a old friend that phased me out of her life

51 replies

batmanmum · 14/05/2019 20:21

To be brief this ex friend phased me out of her life, after three years of friendship. She started ignoring, ghosting me gradually about four years ago. It took me a long time to work this out as during that time she kept on saying she was having all sorts of crisises so I assumed she was busy to start with. Then contact got less and further spaced out and about two years ago she would read my texts, but take two weeks at least to reply. I should have got the hint sooner really but there was always the “let’s meet up soon” replies eventually.

Anyway to cut a long story short, around a year ago her husband suddenly died. I was in touch after his death, which I found out about by off chance. Again I know she was grieving at this point so her behaviour towards me from his death onwards is irrelevant.

I decided in the new year the friend ship was best left in the past, she has lots of fantastic new friends, so she isn’t alone or lonely. Our paths just went different ways years ago.

Here’s the Aibu. I feel like I should acknowledge her husbands loss after the year, but I’m wondering, if she decided she didn’t want to stay in contact with me years ago, would this be intrusive. I think basically it’s rude to not acknowledge it, or maybe I’m selfish wanting to persist with someone who clearly did not want me in her life?

On balance I think if I have to over think this I shouldn’t contact her. I know she has her circle comforting her now of her choice. I don’t want to rekindle the friendship. I guess it just feels so weird, like he never existed if I don’t do anything. I don’t want anything, just to know I’m thinking of her. Definitely don’t want to rekindle the friendship as it’s been to long and got weird.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 14/05/2019 20:25

Personally, I wouldn't contact her. Ghosting someone out is pretty harsh and you are worth more than that. I appreciate you want to acknowledge her husband's passing, but if you happen to see her just say you heard and how sorry you are. If you don't see her then continue on your way and don't give her further thought.

Gingerkittykat · 14/05/2019 20:26

I think a brief message saying you are thinking of her would be really touching and nice. People often forget someone who is grieving after the initial few weeks and the anniversary will be a hard time for her.

JuniFora · 14/05/2019 20:26

You don't owe her anything. She made her feelings clear. Why waste energy thinking about it ?

EC22 · 14/05/2019 20:27

There would be no point messaging her.
Don’t do it.

S1naidSucks · 14/05/2019 20:27

Leave it. Speaking as a widow, she hasn’t got the time or emotional strength to deal with you. I don’t know why she has ghosted you, but it’s over now, so leave her be.

ANewDawn10 · 14/05/2019 20:27

I think you should leave it be. The ghosting happened way before her loss, so she decided then to not have you in her life. And it seems she has carved out a new life for herself. You most likely will be hurt again by contacting her.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 14/05/2019 20:28

You said you were in touch after her husbands death? Did you acknowledge it then?

SinjunRivers · 14/05/2019 20:30

Don't do it

Everydaypeople · 14/05/2019 20:31

Did you contact her after his death? . I’d say no point contacting her now , she phased you out for whatever reason.

StealthPolarBear · 14/05/2019 20:31

You say she has friends around her, they're the ones she wants support from, not you. It's very kind of you to think of her but she doesn't want you to. I also don't see how it's as if he didn't exist.

RosaWaiting · 14/05/2019 20:33

I think you should leave it

you've passed on your condolences, so you would just be getting in touch for yourself.

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline · 14/05/2019 20:38

I guess it just feels so weird, like he never existed if I don’t do anything.

With all due respect the fact that he existed isn't in any doubt for her and doesn't require your validation. You're thinking about how you feel but she's the one who lost her husband. You'll probably never know why she phased you out but it's done now and imo it would be really insensitive and intrusive to make further contact in the circumstances. If she wanted to get in contact with you she'd do it. She hasn't.

mimibunz · 14/05/2019 20:40

I wouldn’t bother. She phased you out. I did this once but with a much longer friendship. She didn’t respond and I felt awful.

Laiste · 14/05/2019 20:45

No don't do it.

Apart from all the reasons already said there's a chance it could look like you're using the anniversary to try to get back in touch. IYSWIM. I know you're not, but if she's decided to move on then let sleeping dogs lie.

churchthecat · 14/05/2019 20:50

Leave it. She ended the friendship, she may not want to hear from someone she chose to no longer be friends with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2019 20:54

You’re only going to get rejected all over again. You won’t get the reaction you’re looking for. I agree with NotHappy it will come across as “insensitive and intrusive”.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/05/2019 20:58

You have to accept that she wants nothing to do with you, and leave her alone. Whatever the rights and wrongs of your original falling out, she still doesn't want to hear from you and you need to respect this.

EdWinchester · 14/05/2019 20:59

Don't do it. She made it clear she didn't want to be your friend.

MrsMozartMkII · 14/05/2019 20:59

Step away.

I've been ghosted twice. I can't think of any good reason to get back in touch. Everyone has moved on. She's had a very sad time and if you happened to meet somewhere then you could see how it flowed at the time.

feistymumma · 14/05/2019 21:02

I would leave it, I was also phased out by a friend. Made contact when she had a baby and she didn't bother to reply and I was then left wondering why I had bothered.

Ilovelblue · 14/05/2019 21:02

I like these set in Germany.

The new colonel is rather handsome.

Ilovelblue · 14/05/2019 21:02

Ooops wrong thread, sorry!

Fiveredbricks · 14/05/2019 21:04

Why would you need to acknowledge it? Seriously?

You're not her friend anymore. She is not and never was really yours. What a strange thing to want to do.

The grief and anything surrounding it are hers and not something you should even be thinking about.

I can't stand people who do stuff like this. You're not being compassionate or kind, you're being weird, and it's weird this would ever even cross your mind as something appropriate to do, or warranted.

DarkDarkNight · 14/05/2019 21:05

Don’t contact her again. Your not in her friendship group, she has previously ghosted you, you have no reason to acknowledge the anniversary.

It sounds harsh but just forget about her. She has made it clear through her actions she doesn’t want to be friends, concentrate on people who want you in their lives. A friendship of 3 years isn’t worth this much hassle.

L1nkedOut · 14/05/2019 21:05

I think you sound kind and mature and a good friend.