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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact a old friend that phased me out of her life

51 replies

batmanmum · 14/05/2019 20:21

To be brief this ex friend phased me out of her life, after three years of friendship. She started ignoring, ghosting me gradually about four years ago. It took me a long time to work this out as during that time she kept on saying she was having all sorts of crisises so I assumed she was busy to start with. Then contact got less and further spaced out and about two years ago she would read my texts, but take two weeks at least to reply. I should have got the hint sooner really but there was always the “let’s meet up soon” replies eventually.

Anyway to cut a long story short, around a year ago her husband suddenly died. I was in touch after his death, which I found out about by off chance. Again I know she was grieving at this point so her behaviour towards me from his death onwards is irrelevant.

I decided in the new year the friend ship was best left in the past, she has lots of fantastic new friends, so she isn’t alone or lonely. Our paths just went different ways years ago.

Here’s the Aibu. I feel like I should acknowledge her husbands loss after the year, but I’m wondering, if she decided she didn’t want to stay in contact with me years ago, would this be intrusive. I think basically it’s rude to not acknowledge it, or maybe I’m selfish wanting to persist with someone who clearly did not want me in her life?

On balance I think if I have to over think this I shouldn’t contact her. I know she has her circle comforting her now of her choice. I don’t want to rekindle the friendship. I guess it just feels so weird, like he never existed if I don’t do anything. I don’t want anything, just to know I’m thinking of her. Definitely don’t want to rekindle the friendship as it’s been to long and got weird.

OP posts:

DarkDarkNight · 14/05/2019 21:06

That should be you’re.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 14/05/2019 21:07

I'd go by the old saying tbh - "If in doubt, do nowt"

legolimb · 14/05/2019 21:11

I would just leave it OP.

She phased you out for her own reasons. Just carry on with your own life. If you see her in the street wish her well.

Yesicancancan · 14/05/2019 21:15

Leave it, she decided she didn’t want you in her life years ago. Marking the anniversary of a death when it is wasn’t someone you were close to is quite odd anyway.

Boysey45 · 14/05/2019 21:16

You need to leave it well alone seriously. You have said your sorry that is totally enough for someone who is no longer a close friend.
I'd concentrate on making new friends and doing new things if I were you.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/05/2019 21:17

No don't contact her. I fazed an ex friend out, it was hard it hurt, but couldn't go on, it was a different circumstance to you, even now I have a mental block with her.
Sometimes things did end yes I'll call you, after many conversations about boundaries which were difficult enough, she'd still manage to make every conversation about her, she isn't a bad person, we just didn't match in personality. She hated her DM when it suited her, refused to help her or speak to her, said her DM was over powering, self indulgent, only interested in herself. She couldn't see how similar she was.
The last time I bumped into her, I told her my DM is in final stages of illness, she told me she had made up with her DM, in fact she was sending her shared custody DS to go live with her DM for 6 months as he was wrecking her head, the reason she made up with her DM
Anyway sorry for the rant, she has left your life for a reason. Leave her behind.

Original poster

Batmanmum · 14/05/2019 21:18

Your right. I won’t say anything. It’s not appropriate in the circumstances. I did go to the funeral so yes did say goodbye, condolences then.

When someone close to me died it was nice to know they wasn’t forgotten on the firsts, first birthday, Christmas missed etc. But it’s not wanted here. I do think of her and husband and I haven’t forgotten so no need for more. She has people around her doing that now, no doubt.

The last thing I want is her thinking ‘oh do piss off for good’ not nice all round.

OP posts:

ImpossibleGirl · 14/05/2019 21:23

Leave it OP. She's ghosted you a few times now.

If you really feel that you need to acknowledge the anniversary of the death of her husband, can you pop into a church and light a candle for him next time you pass one?

I'm not particularly religious (brought up so, but not practicing), but I find sometimes it helps to put a physical action to the thought of care and send it on its way.

Dippypippy1980 · 14/05/2019 21:27

I was phased out after a twenty year friendship and it still really hurts. I really loved this friend and miss her. But I have to accept she doesn’t feel the same way. I have occasionally contacted her over the years (to pass on news etc) - she is always polite and friendly but never initiates the contact. I have now stopped even that.

It’s hard but I don’t hunk there is any point in you contacting this old friend.

Original poster

Batmanmum · 14/05/2019 21:42

The candle is a good idea. I never fell out with him. He was a lovely man. She was a lovely friend back in the day, I did care for her very much. I still do but we are poles apart. I don’t trust her.

What I thought of him is only relevant to me now.

OP posts:

Maybebaybe · 14/05/2019 21:48

I am Irish and acknowledging death and recognising grief is a fairly big thing here. So I say send her a note saying thinking of you on the anniversary. Don't expect anything in return as that is not why you are sending it. You have remembered this sad anniversary for her so you acknowledge it and don't let her behaviour be the barometer of yours.

I think it is a really nice thing to do. I hope that even silently/privately she will appreciate it.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 14/05/2019 21:52

It sounds as if you haven't moved on, and still want to be close to her. She didn't behave well to you, though, and while her loss is very sad, your emotional energy is better expended elsewhere. Acknowledge that her loss from your life hurt and (it seems) still hurts, but choose to keep away from her because being in touch with her would not be good for you.

Orangeballon · 14/05/2019 21:58

When someone says “let’s meet up soon” they don’t really mean it, it’s a brush off, something to say at the moment. Don’t contact her.

Lizzie48 · 14/05/2019 22:00

No, don’t get in touch with her. She ghosted you, made the choice to phase you out of her life. There’s absolutely no point in contacting her now.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/05/2019 22:32

OP you sound like such a nice friend, maybe it is why she pushed you away, some people don't like to let others in and prefer fair weather friends.
I am not big on friendships, with 2 additional needs DC, aging parents, work, I also have pmdd which makes friendships hard to sustain. My idea of fun is being alone with a cuppa.

Original poster

Batmanmum · 14/05/2019 22:35

I do wonder if I have moved on, but I’m sure it’s just the timing.

It’s a horrible way to end a friendship. Everything now has be picked apart like this. Wondering if it’s even ok to feel sad. There’s no way on earth I’d expose myself to more of that.

I want to send the card, but I’m not going too. Nothing positive can come from it.

OP posts:

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 14/05/2019 22:39

YABU
Leave her to it. She's no friend anyway.

I'd be too proud to let someone ghost me twice.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/05/2019 22:39

Ofcourse it is ok to feel sad, mourne the end of the relationship, especially when it stops so unfairly.
I think it is her loss OP.
There is truth in a saying, all relationships come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Ceebs85 · 15/05/2019 06:16

Sending a message would be for you, not her.

She phased you out and hearing from you wouldn't be of any comfort to her

fargo123 · 15/05/2019 06:34

Hold on to your self respect and don't bother with her again.

OVienna · 15/05/2019 07:31

OP the sentiment isn't wrong and if you'd been friends for years and years I would say it was a nice gesture regardless of the cooling off of the friendship. But three years isn't that long and you've now not been friends for longer than you ever were. You went to the funeral so have acknowledged it. But I wouldn't mark the anniversary in any way.

Complainingagain · 15/05/2019 07:52

I wouldn't for a few reasons - firstly, she made it clear she doesn't value you as a friend and doesn't want a relationship with you, for whatever reason. Secondly, she has friends who are helping her, and you said. Thirdly, as she cut you out she may dislike you? For some reason? And getting sympathy from/feeling pitied by someone you dislike can sometimes be a kick in the teeth. And lastly, she doesn't deserve your friendship and you should protect yourself as a harsh reply or being further ignored will, I'm sure, only hurt your feelings.

Complainingagain · 15/05/2019 07:54

Saying that, I agree with others that the fact you considered this shows that you are a nice and thoughtful person. Definitely a better person that me to put her feelings over your own hurt caused by her behaviour. I'd not have even considered it. You deserve friends who will appreciate you, don't waste time on someone who doesn't

Peacocking · 15/05/2019 08:23

I would. Just a brief kind message saying you're thinking of her - but no suggestions of meeting up or follow on communications x

RosaWaiting · 15/05/2019 10:56

I think there was a name change fail and OP has posted to say she won't

just to add, another reason I wouldn't is that not everyone wants to mark these anniversaries so your card might just make her feel bad when she's having a moment of feeling okay.

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