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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed people assume this will be my last pregnancy?

94 replies

Denise3011 · 14/05/2019 19:37

I have a DS and I’m expecting a DD.
I know when people are pregnant with a second/third baby of the same gender they get: “oh, never mind, you can try again for a boy/girl”

I seem to be facing the opposite comments daily and it’s really starting to annoy me! (Probably because I’m 38 weeks pregnant & everything annoys me!)

“Oh how lovely, one of each. You won’t need to have any more then”
“Oh perfect, a boy and a girl, that’s you done then”

Am I done? Do I have to be ‘done’ just because I’m lucky enough to have one
of each?!
For the record, I don’t know if I am ‘done’!
But strangers seem to have decided for me!
Work colleagues even had a conversation about me “not needing anymore mat leave” and how “financially, why would I want a 3rd or more”
I know it’s harmless comments, but I’m fat and frustrated!

OP posts:
L1nkedOut · 14/05/2019 20:09

You cannot say the right thing to a pregnant woman. I only realised this reading threads on mumsnet!

Lauren83 · 14/05/2019 20:11

People are weird, DS is 16 months and due another DS next month, I usually get 'oh well at least you won't have to buy everything new' like another boys a runner up prize, and 'will you try for a girl'

jasmine1971 · 14/05/2019 20:14

I've got 3 boys and I've had a range of

  • "oh dear, were you trying for a girl?"
  • "oh dear, sorry you didn't get a girl"
  • 'oh dear, will you just keep on trying?" NO! I love my three boys and would not swap them for the world! I'd even in some strange way miss their stinky feet!
CigarsofthePharoahs · 14/05/2019 20:14

People do spout odd things.
On arriving home from a week in hospital with ds2, one of my neighbours came to coo over him. The very next thing she said was "Are you going to have another one?"
Still very battered and bruised from the birth I replied with a rather blunt no.
"You aren't going to try for a girl?"
I wanted two children and I was lucky enough to get two.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and here's hoping you have an easy birth op!

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 14/05/2019 20:15

I'm currently pregnant with baby 3 and already have a boy and a girl, the amount of comments I got about why I was having another baby when I have one of each really pissed me off, I was like we wanted 3 children so that's why we are having another just because I've got one of each doesn't mean that I don't need anymore children ! I also got a puppy just before I found out I was pregnant that was also mentioned that but you've just got a dog you don't need another baby 😂, people make me laugh o now just go oh right well you won't need to pop over for a cuddle then

MissConductUS · 14/05/2019 20:16

I have one of each but I don't recall anyone speculating that it would be my last. People do like to talk about pregnancies. I do not bring it up unless the mum to be does.

Lauren83 · 14/05/2019 20:17

Also to add DS1 is from donor eggs and when I was in hospital the evening of my section the nurse was asking me how tall his mum was as people were commenting how big he was. I told her I was 5ft 5Hmm

Original poster
Denise3011 · 14/05/2019 20:18

It honestly seems that it doesn’t matter If you’re having another boy/girl, one of each or a bloody litter of cats - someone will find something inappropriate to say!
I’m glad I’m not facing “oh well you can always try again for a boy/girl” because I do think my hormones would make me violent! How rude can people be!

I really don’t know if I am ‘done’ - let me push this one out first, was my reply today!

If I had another & someone said the “Oh was this one an accident” i’d be gobsmacked!

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 14/05/2019 20:19

@jasmine1971
People are rude, I have 4 DC; girl, girl, boy, girl, I have lost count of how many times people say 'oh were you hoping for another boy' or when I say 3 DD 1DS they assume DS is the youngest and I was plugging away for 'the boy'. I would never comment on someone's family, it's nobody's business.

DocusDiplo · 14/05/2019 20:19

You sound very easily annoyed. Nobody cares about your kids, its mindless small talk.

KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 14/05/2019 20:20

I hate this. Just as I hate how I've had two DDs and people assume it's not as important the second time round because it's "just another girl" as my SIL put it so eloquently. Well one of mine identifies as gender fluid and it makes sense considering it's always felt like having a girl and a boy of the stereotypical forms anyway due to clothes worn, toys played with, style of hair wanted, whatever. Big up yours to people who are small minded or hard of thinking.

Fundays12 · 14/05/2019 20:21

People are stupid and thoughtless on this subject. My sister had a girl and boy ten years later had another boy as they decided they would like another child. They got all the ohh it must have been an accident comments and why would you want more when you have the perfect family.

I am pregnant with my third boy and frequently get told I need to try for a girl next time or it’s assumed I am disappointed as people think I wanted a girl (I didn’t). We were not even trying for a third but were delighted when our little surprise happened and we’re happy either way. I definitely do not want a 4th regardless of the gender nor does my hubby.

category12 · 14/05/2019 20:23

People say stuff. It's often not very well-thought out stuff and is just for the sake of saying something. They don't mean anything by it and would probably backpedal furiously if challenged on it.

You can be annoyed if you like, tho Grin.

Kittypillar · 14/05/2019 20:25

Totally understand you being annoyed OP, I would be too.

I remember my mum telling me when she had just had my younger sister (she didn't find out the sex), a friend of hers upon hearing the news said, "oh! Another girl! That must have been a bit of a kick in the teeth...!". My mum was apparently horrified (naturally!) and said she was thrilled that I had a sister and not even remotely disappointed.

People try to make smalltalk and sometimes say ridiculous things. Try not to let it get to you but I understand it. I was permanently grumpy while I was pregnant Grin

FancyAPint · 14/05/2019 20:28

Maybe they are trying to hint to you that you've had enough in terms of the world being over populated! If not it's just something to say they probably couldn't care less but it's the first thing that came to mind.

Ifeelbloodyawful · 14/05/2019 20:33

I got annoyed with all the "bet you're hoping for a girl" during my second pregnancy. I wasn't hoping for anything of the sort and I felt slightly offended for DS that people assumed I must be desperate for a girl. Honestly sometimes it made me wish we'd found out the sex at the 20 week scan.

Some people don't know when to just smile and say something pleasant!

girlwithadragontattoo · 14/05/2019 20:34

I think sometimes people don't know to say so they say anything if that makes sense.

specterlitt · 14/05/2019 20:35

Other than on here, I'v never heard of adults being so whiny over such things. It's like the smallest insignificant thing means so much they cannot cope.

Yes you are being unreasonable to get so bothered by this, seriously. Give your head a shake, it's just a passing comment, I doubt they have your whole future planned for you. Next time it's mentioned you simply say that you have no idea if you're done yet, let's see what the future holds. Oh look at that, simple.

Hardly anything to work yourself up over, it's like being offended over nonsense is a new trend. Hmm

Jollymollyx · 14/05/2019 20:36

Yeh I find it annoying and weird when people assume just because they would feel a certain way that you would feel the same. When I was pregnant with dd2 and they didn’t know she was a girl I kept getting hopefully it’s a boy so you get one of each. I actually badly wanted a sister for dd1 and I just felt so annoyed that they would make out a boy that time round would be more positive.

DCIRozHuntley · 14/05/2019 20:37

I had 3 DDs and everyone was all "poor daddy" and "Will you keep going for a boy". Now I have a DS everyone tells me it'll be hard for him, being outnumbered - may as well have one more! Or that I can stop now DH has finally got "his boy". We have never cared what sex our babies were!

I don't think anyone means it though, it's just something to say. A bit like big/small/high/low bumps in pregnancy.

AJPTaylor · 14/05/2019 20:40

It's just a conversation filler

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 14/05/2019 20:41

As you say I had the opposite when everyone found out I was having ds2. We kept saying nope, boy or girl we are sticking to 2.

The reality is we would have liked more but could not afford more. Which sounds stupid when we had a combined salary of almost 60k, and a couple down the road both non working have just had number 8- but that a whole other argument! (And yes it bloody well annoys me- a lot!!)

randomncftw · 14/05/2019 20:41

Why does it matter if they say this?

SkittishWits · 14/05/2019 20:45

According to MIL we had a complete family because we had b/g twins. SIL has 1 DD (and won't have more, BIL has 2 boys, but only we're complete.
She's batshit.

RelaisBlu · 14/05/2019 20:53

I have 3 girls and every time my MIL (who comes from a culture that favours boys) commented (it was translated for me as) "Never mind you can have a boy next time."

Apart from that I don't remember any specific comments.... I think people just go onto automatic pilot or project their own feelings or whatever - so take no notice!