People who are ALWAYS a BIT late

[AliceRR]

Somewhat lighthearted but interested in others’ views.

Not thinking of the friends who regularly make plans and cancel or make it clear they double book or drop you if something better comes along... the ones who rarely cancel but are always late (10-15 mins or more).

I’m waiting for a friend in a restaurant. I arrived about 15 mins early as I timed trains to be early rather than late. We were due to meet 15 mins ago and she isn’t here yet. She texted me to ask me to text her the drinks menu (I texted 20 mins ago offering to order her a drink). I said she may as well look at the menu when she gets here as waiting staff have been over three times.

It won’t ruin our evening but I find it mildly annoying.

I could have an extra 20 mins at home and got a train that would get me in bang on 6pm but didn’t in case I was late.

I just can’t think of a time when she’s arrived somewhere first (and I’m not an overly early person)

Does this kind of thing annoy you?

Agree with a PP, if you know they’re always late, why turn up so early? You’re making it harder on yourself lol

Well I know but out of being early and being late I chose to be early plus I was getting the train and account for train being slightly late etc. I hate rushing.

Next time I might not bother. Or I might agree to meet at, say, 5:45 and then turn up at 6

She just seems to have no self awareness about it at all

I've got a friend like this and it drives me batty. She's pathologically unable to gauge how long it will take her to get to places. I accept I'll be on my own for a while and take my kindle to pass the inevitable time!

@whywhywhy6
Totally agree with you.
It’s people who are always late, know they are going to be late, who apologise but really don’t give a fuck.
People have anxiety, OCD, kids etc but surely you’d factor in variables.
You know if you have to check the lights 5 times (like my dsis does) to factor in that time.

It's really bad manners and ignorant to be late unless there is a good reason. People who are always late make me very cross. I've stopped being friends with some people because of this.

I have a friend like this. We are meeting today! Wonder if she'll be on time? I also once sat for an hour in a restaurant waiting for her, in the end the waiter took pity and came to entertain me

I give them 20 minutes and then I leave. Sometimes being late is unavoidable due to a traffic accident or something, but mostly it’s due to a lack of care and respect. My boss is never late when she has a meeting being attended her superiors, but she’s late for every single meeting she has with the rest of us. It sends a very clear message about how she views us.

*Do you know how many people suffer from dyspraxia and genuinely cannot help getting muddled like this?

I can't judge time at all and will aim to be early, it was so bad in my teens that I'd get places hours early and wait around.*

But that is exactly what you should do, aim to arrive too early and wait. If you're the one that is bad with planning, you should be the one waiting for an hour.

Well I really think she didn’t set off until after 6

Why would that be ok?

And if she did get stuck at work or whatever why not text as soon as she knows and say “sorry I’m running late but should be there at [time]”

I would take that better than what I did get which was “Just walking up now” at 6:09 which makes me think that’s when she set off

I wasn’t that annoyed when I was waiting for her yesterday and first posted but got more annoyed with her texts. I texted her about 5:45 when I arrived asking what she wants to drink so they’d be ready by the time she got there. She then texted at 6:09 saying she’s just walking up and then asking about cocktails and asking me to photograph the menu for her etc but by the the waiter had been over a few times and I said I’d wait for her

Then it got to about 6:15 and the waiter was nearby so I just ordered us drinks because I’d been there nearly 40 mins and wanted a drink

But there was no acknowledgement that I’d been there a while once she’d got there and she hadn’t even set off on time 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have a friend like this. We are meeting today! Wonder if she'll be on time?

Let us know!

It's really bad manners and ignorant to be late unless there is a good reason. People who are always late make me very cross. I've stopped being friends with some people because of this.

I agree with you.

I’ve stopped being friends with people who are often late and often cancel plans but I haven’t really had an issue with people just being late all the time until now

It is annoying

This friend thinks of herself as being organised though so I just don’t think she realises

I texted her this morning (we often text after we’ve got home / next day) and mentioned I should start saying we’re meeting half an hour before the table is actually booked with lots of “funny” emojis to see what she says. Maybe slightly PA but she’s more likely to respond to that thank “Do you realise you were 20 minutes late and I was waiting for you for quite a while? Do you realise you are late every time we meet?”

Late people are selfish and think their time is more important than others

Didn’t take long for that old trope to be trotted out.

People who are always early and judge others for not being so perfect, think that they are so important that people must prioritise them.

See how that works?

OP, if they are always late, why on earth turn up 20 minutes early? I can understand doing so for a work meeting or hospital appointment, but if it’s a friend, why do it?

I'm always a bit late. I really, really try not to be. But I always am!

My best friend is like this and always has been. She's usually 15-20 mins late for everything but has been known to be up to an hour + late. I do find it annoying and she acknowledges that she's rubbish with getting anywhere on time. I just put up with it and usually try and insist I drive/pick her up if we're going somewhere.

OP, if they are always late, why on earth turn up 20 minutes early? I can understand doing so for a work meeting or hospital appointment, but if it’s a friend, why do it?

Answered several times!

People who are always early and judge others for not being so perfect, think that they are so important that people must prioritise them.

I’m not always early. I was early yesterday because the train times were such that I’d be early or late. I chose early.

More importantly, if you make plans to meet someone or be somewhere by a certain time then that should be your priority!!

If you don’t want to have dinner with someone at 6 o’clock, for example, then don’t make plans to do so and you don’t have to prioritise it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I had a friend like this - note the had. She was always late by 10/15/20 mins. One day I had enough and drove off. Her excuses were always full of ‘sorry but’ yet the truth was that she always knew I’d hang around and that her time was more important than mine. It depends how much you value her and how much it drives you crazy. A v fine line sometimes but for some people it can be more clear cut

I work with a lady who is always 6 minutes late and absolutely refuses to acknowledge that maybe she ought to leave ten minutes earlier

When I was walking to work I couldn't help but listen in to one side of a telephone conversation, because the young chap ahead of me was talking loudly to someone.

I am guessing he hadn't been in the world of work for very long.

He was indignant as he had been told a manager had complained about him being late three times ("It was only by 5 minutes!") He had apparently defended himself by saying "Does he know I have a 30 minute walk to work?"

My thoughts were:
a) If you walk to work then you have less excuse than anybody for being late as you are not at the mercy of bad traffic or unreliable public transport - your journey time should be invariable.

b)If he is regularly 5 minutes late to work then he doesn't have a 30 minute walk he has at least a 35 minute walk and should be leaving the house earlier to take that in to account.

Maybe somebody has pointed that out to him by now. If he still has that job.

We have one friend who is always late.
She has routines so if something goes wrong earlier she can't skio something so that she can catch up on time. E.g. If work runs a bit late and we are meeting at 6.30 she will still have to have a proper tea. When it happens to me I will just have a quick sandwich.
However she is so generous in every other way and is thoughtful and kind and has helped our family out so much I am willing to overlook the lateness ( even if it up to an hour)

If it is something important I will stress the time and she is ok with that.
I usually arrange to meet at my house so I can relax until she turns up so no worries there.

This gets trotted out in AIBU weekly. Some people are good at being organised, some are not. Some are good at being patient and accepting, some are not. We are all different with different strengths and weaknesses. It’s up to every ‘early’ person to decide if they are willing to accept his about their ‘late’ friend, but before they get ditched it is perhaps worth thinking about what are your different weaknesses that they are prepared to accept about you. I think it’s sad this becomes such a moral high ground issue.

Can you tell I tend to be on the late side?! I have learned through DH (and MN) how much ‘early people’ take it personally and believe the ‘your time is more precious than mine’ trope. I care how my friends and family feel, so I do my best to change it, with some success and some failure. I also do my best to accept them with their flaws (if they are someone I value), as that’s what love and friendship is.

I’m like this too. This thread comes up at least a couple of times a month and always manages to make me feel awful.

These threads always make me feel very uncomfortable. I have been habitually late at points in my life. It always coincides with points when I have had mild depression or am just not really coping with everything on my plate (regardless of whether that is more or less than anyone else is dealing with). Not that people would necessarily know I wasn't coping - it's easy to put a mask on for a few hours.

Perhaps consider that instead of just assuming your friends simply think their time is more important.

More importantly, if you make plans to meet someone or be somewhere by a certain time then that should be your priority!!

Friend for dinner = casual arrangement, bang on time not important.
Doctor’s appointment = formal appointment, bang on time is important.

Most reasonable people understand this. You wouldn’t leave someone standing like a lemon waiting for a lift, but if someone can be seated in a restaurant, perusing the menu, having a drink for ten minutes, it’s not the crime of the century. Neither is it rude or selfish.

If your time is so valuable you can’t spend 5 minutes waiting, that’s your issue.

asked and answered

Sorry, my time is too valuable to trawl back and find out why you’re happy to sit alone for 20 minutes but not a second longer. I guess that makes me selfish.

If you know someone is always late then just start arriving late yourself as well or give them an earlier time than you’d actually like to meet. E.g you want to get there for 7pm so tell them to meet at 6:45pm. Saves the hassle of waiting around.

you want to get there for 7pm so tell them to meet at 6:45pm. Saves the hassle of waiting around.

I think this is right

If your time is so valuable you can’t spend 5 minutes waiting, that’s your issue

You have mentioned five and ten minutes late. I would agree 5 mins is not an issue and 10 mins might not be unless it’s lunch hour in a work day but this was 20 which is taking the p* IMHO

Most people on this thread who admit to being late at least seem slightly apologetic about it. Not sure why you are so defensive about it.

Late people are selfish and think their time is more important than others

Didn’t take long for that old trope to be trotted out.

Because it's true. I'm usually early and that's my choice. I don't mind other people not being early.

The people I'm no longer friends with would be late every single time we went out, sometimes leaving me sitting or standing waiting for up to an hour. One of them did this very regularly but if she was meeting a man for a date could always manage to be on time. I do still have friends who are late but I no longer arrange to meet them when it's just the 2 of us, always meet now in a group with some punctual friends. One friend is often so late we now no longer wait for her whilst ordering food and just get on with our night.

People make choices. Regularly late people choice to be late. It’s really not hard, have a place for keys/phone/purse they always live there simple and easy to find. Set alarms to tell you it’s X time till you need to do Y.

It’s not that its oh my I’m late again hehe because if you can be on time for work/doctors/hair appointments etc your just a shitty friend to keep your friends waiting around for you regularly.

I am often late.

I try not to be. Its not a strong point for me, and its not something I'm proud of.

I have other excellent qualities and strengths. Being on time isnt one of them.

I really believe that some people have some sort of time blindness and they just don't measure/value time in the same way.

I have once such friend who honestly doesn't think she is running late so long as she has left her house ANYTIME before we're due to meet e.g. she lives 20 minutes away and we are to meet at 12.00, so I would leave at 11.40 at the very latest (would much more likely leave at 11.30 to allow for traffic etc). But, even if she leaves her house at 11.55 she doesn't consider herself to be running late because it's not yet the time we're to meet. IYSWIM? It's like she can't factor in travel time, or how long it might take to park.

Have another friend who seems to live in mild chaos all the time and just cannot manage her time sensibly e.g. we are due to meet at 12.00, and live 5 mins apart. She will suddenly decide at 11.55 that she can squeeze in a quick (non urgent) phone call before leaving. The phone call then takes 15 minutes

@NancyMulligan completely agree with you. Since I've had kids I find it so hard to leave the house on time, and it really frustrates me as I try so bloody hard.

This generalisation of all us late people being selfish is hurtful, some of us could really use some compassion and a better sense of direction!