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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to MIL event?

69 replies

User11011 · 14/05/2019 16:42

My MIL and SIL are putting on an event which takes place in a couple of months to raise money for a good cause. It involves a male stripper, a drag queen and lots of cheap, pre-mixed cocktails. Each to their own but it's my idea of hell.

Went to SIL'S hen do last year and it was one of the least fun nights of my life. Cackling laughter while rubbing soap suds over a naked man. I swore never again.

Anyway, I have been honest and said thanks for the invite but it's really not my cup of tea but of course I will donate to the cause. Tickets are £10 and they are doing other things on the night like a raffle I think, so I was thinking I'd donate about £30.

They are quite offended and annoyed at me. AIBU? Should I have just sucked it up and gone?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 14/05/2019 16:43

Nah you’re fine, not my idea of “fun” either.

What’ve they said exactly?

frazzledasarock · 14/05/2019 16:43

God no!

You’re donating to the cause and that’s the point surely getting money in.

PurpleWithRed · 14/05/2019 16:44

God, no. I'd pay a lot more than £30 not to go!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/05/2019 16:44

They’re probably having a strop because they think this sounds like a laugh a minute and you’d rather have a smear. But that’s tough luck. You’re donating to the cause, so they’re getting what they supposedly want.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/05/2019 16:46

There isn't a chance in hell I would go to an event like that and I wouldn't dream of apologising for it. How gross. You are under no obligation to lower your standards or participate in anything that makes you uncomfortable. Who cares if they are upset?

MaudebeGonne · 14/05/2019 16:47

Nope, just give them the money, wish them luck and don't give it another thought.

I wouldn't enjoy it either though I wouldn't look down on people who did (well, I might but I hope they wouldn't realise it).

ANewDawn10 · 14/05/2019 16:48

Yanbu. You are donating more than the ticket amount so surely it's about raising money rather than appearances. It sounds horrible and I dont blame you for not wanting to go.

Horall · 14/05/2019 16:49

I would spend £10 on a ticket, pretend to be really looking forward to it, then be struck by a horrible stomach upset on the day .. or migraine .. or some such. They got the money, you’re not attending... everyone’s happy

Thatmustbemyname · 14/05/2019 16:51

In theory, yes it's a fundraiser and you are donating so they should be happy. But with an event like this, it's also about attendance - you always need as many bums on seats as possible, so that's why they might still feel miffed with you.

I sympathise as the night sounds like hell but I guess it depends how much you want to get on with the in laws.

mimibunz · 14/05/2019 16:51

I wouldn’t go but imagine they feel judged. Grin Oh well!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/05/2019 16:52

They're probably just a bit offended and think you're judging them.

(I totally agree with you though, sounds naff and I would hate it too.)

AwdBovril · 14/05/2019 16:53

Urgh. Sounds hideous. I'd definitely pay to be allowed to get out of it. Although I wouldn't necessarily judge anyone who enjoyed it - each to their own, etc. I don't suppose everyone likes the sort of stuff I'm into, either.

cosytoaster · 14/05/2019 16:53

YANBU - I couldn't bring myself to go to this either. You've been polite, honest and offered to make a donation, so you've done as much as you can and if they're not happy then that's their problem.

HarryDaylight · 14/05/2019 16:57

Yanbu. Sounds absolutely bloody grim. If the inlaws are offended that you don't want to attend, that's their problem for organising such a naff event.

KatherineJaneway · 14/05/2019 16:59

YANBU to decline. Sounds like they feel you are looking down on them for enjoying those things even when you have been tactful! They'll get over it soon enough.

Original poster
User11011 · 14/05/2019 17:00

"You'd rather have a smear" 😂
They were just huffy really. Gave each other a look. FIL said to DH that I'm in the dog house or some such. DH rolled his eyes at this and defended me FWIW.
We do generally get on well, we just have a really different sense of humour and sense of fun. I still love them. I just don't want to look at a man flap his massive dick about in their company.
If I took them on a night out with me I really doubt they'd enjoy it.
Maybe I should've lied, I just don't generally do that. Totally get that it is about numbers and they are family after all. But ugh it would be the longest night of my life!!

OP posts:
Ratatatouille · 14/05/2019 17:02

YANBU. It's never acceptable to pressure anybody into anything really, but certainly not into sexual "entertainment" and an alcohol fuelled environment. I wouldn't attend because I vehemently oppose the sex industry in every form. Others would simply feel uncomfortable. Others may not like the alcohol aspect. Others may just think it sounds boring as fuck. Whatever the reason, it's ok to say no. It's not like you're refusing to attend a close relative's wedding without a good reason. It's just a fundraiser, and you're still donating.

Something that's hard for some people (myself included a lot of the time) to get their heads around is that other people's opinions do not define a situation. Your MIL and SIL can think you're unreasonable all day long, that doesn't make it so. Too often we feel pressured into something because we don't want other people to think we are unreasonable. What about your opinions? What about the fact that you think they are being unreasonable? Sometimes we just have to accept that someone isn't going to like what we do. That shouldn't necessarily stop us doing it.

Bluerussian · 14/05/2019 17:03

I think you are doing absolutely right to donate to the cause but not go to the event which sounds awful.

Original poster
User11011 · 14/05/2019 17:04

I think I might give MIL a ring and explain more - be really self deprecating and say I'm boring and they'll have a blast but it's just not me etc.

OP posts:
hippermiddleton · 14/05/2019 17:04

There's nothing wrong with not enjoying male strippers. But either way, they're going to feel judged: if you go and look less than thrilled as Hot Bob the Frisky Fireman rubs his oily groin in your face, they'll think you're a snob; if you don't go, and save you and Hot Bob the bother, they'll think you're a snob.

So, I'd stump up the £30 and consider it a bargain. At least you can hand it to your SIL, instead of having to wedge it, note by note, into Hot Bob's g-string. Maybe you can compensate by being super positive about the good cause?

Original poster
User11011 · 14/05/2019 17:05

Thanks for all the YANBUs. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking this event sounds a little hellish.

OP posts:
notoafternoontea · 14/05/2019 17:06

Don't call and be self deprecating. In my experience of people with that kind of sense of "humour" you're just adding fuel to their fire. It sounds like hell and you're fulfilling your familial obligations by donating to the cause.

Ignore them and let it slide. Sounds like your DH has your back so you've nothing to worry about.

FWIW, I'd rather poke my eyeballs out with a stick than go to something like that.

Original poster
User11011 · 14/05/2019 17:08

Hot Bob 😂
Feel a bit queasy thinking about it. Sorry Bob.

OP posts:
Original poster
User11011 · 14/05/2019 17:09

Maybe I could go and get through it by pretending I'm Louis Theroux.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/05/2019 17:10

Wouldn't be my idea of fun either!

You're an adult and perfectly entitled to decline events, one of the joys amongst the responsibilities of being an adult.

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