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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that dd has not been invited to another party.

64 replies

Todayimjane · 14/05/2019 14:39

My dd is 8 and has yet again been left off an invite list for a party of a school friend. The child whose party it is and my child play everyday at school and my daughter thinks of her as one of her closest friends. She has come to each of my daughters birthday parties, and we’ve invited her round to play several times yet for the second year running (possibly 3rd year) my daughter hasn’t been included in her birthday party or ever been invited round to play.
The child’s mother always seems very friendly towards me and always gives me a cheery wave if we pass cars on the school run.

OP posts:
churchthecat · 14/05/2019 14:42

Is it a small party with only a few guests? If so it's probably not personal.

InDubiousBattle · 14/05/2019 14:43

YANBU, It's awful for them to be left out.

PrincessScarlett · 14/05/2019 14:44

Is it class party or just a select few? Kids can be very fickle when asked to list who they want at their party, particularly if numbers are limited.

my2bundles · 14/05/2019 14:45

Limited numbers maybe? My son has small parties and only invites 1-3 of his closest friends. Partly because that's what he wants and partly because a bigger party is to expensive.

SallyWD · 14/05/2019 14:46

I've had exactly this several times this year with both my children. Last week my son made me check his book bag for an invitation to his "best friend's" party. It wasnt there so he wanted me to call the boy's mum and tell her the invitation had been lost and could we have another. It broke my heart and I was nearly in tears. What can you do though? Just say nothing and mop up the tears. We've also had to exclude other children when there's been a strict limit. One girl burst in to tears last year not to be invited to my daughter's party. It's sad but there's nothing you can do. I definitely wouldn't confront them.

BlueMerchant · 14/05/2019 14:47

Seems a bit strange. Is the mum extra busy regarding the non- return of the playdates?
Is she a 'cliquey' type who feels she needs to invite her pals' kids and your DD didn't make the cut?
How many of the kids were invited to the party? Maybe there is a set number allowed at venue? Doesn't excuse and explain not being invited over 3 years though.
Has your DD definitely not left an invite in her bag? I know at our school the TA discretely puts them in bags/trays.

Cottonwoolmouth · 14/05/2019 14:48

In your circumstances I’d ask why. I know it’s not the done thing but thats incredibly hurtful.

I’d be be bright and breezy

‘Hi xxx dd didn’t seem to get an invite and is a bit upset as they play so much together’

PrincessScarlett · 14/05/2019 14:51

Trouble with confronting is that if child has been deliberately excluded you give the parent the satisfaction of knowing you're bothered/upset OR you come across as THAT parent.

Original poster
Todayimjane · 14/05/2019 14:52

I imagine it’s a select few, as dd’s have been for the past 2 yrs but she’s always been invited and is one of her closest friends.
I also find it strange as my dd has never been asked round to play (other children have). I wish i had the balls to ask the mother why.

OP posts:
sharpstick · 14/05/2019 14:53

No YANBU. There will be the usual response on here that you can’t invite everyone, children need to build resilience, parties are expensive etc, which although all true, does not stop you feeling hurt when it is your child left out. Especially if you have provided hospitality to their child on numerous occasions.

I have had this with both of my children at times, I think most of us have felt disappointed on behalf of our children in this situation.

In my experience though, it tends to be the same parents who overlook the same children, so my perspective is that a lot of parents invite who they think they ‘should’ invite (ie the parents are friends) rather than if they were honest who their children would like to invite

I have no advice, it feels shit

fuckitywhat · 14/05/2019 14:54

One girl burst in to tears last year not to be invited to my daughter's party. It's sad but there's nothing you can do.

You saw this and still didn't invite her? Shock

sue51 · 14/05/2019 14:55

Unless its a whole class invited bar one or two, you really can't talk to the other parent about it. It doesn't make it any easier for your DD though. I would encourage her to make other friendships in school as maybe the other child doesn't view your daughter in the same way.

FilledSoda · 14/05/2019 14:57

I bet the mum invites her friend's children.
So it isn't her daughters friends iyswim.

user1471590586 · 14/05/2019 15:00

I agree that some parents invite kids of their own mum friends rather than who the child would prefer. I've had the same thing with my daughter at times. She never gets invited to the parties of one of her close friends, despite that friend coming to hers. I've come to the conclusion after so many years that that particular parent is trying to social engineer her daughters friends.

Original poster
Todayimjane · 14/05/2019 15:00

No mother doesn’t work, she’s a horsey type but not cliquey with any of the mums at school. It’s hard because my daughter was BFFs with the drama queen of the class and they had a volatile relationship so would often get left out of parties as the other child was going as it wasn’t worth anyone’s life not inviting her!
It’s so hard seeing your child left out. And say things like “nobody likes me/wants to be my friend” Sad

OP posts:
chocatoo · 14/05/2019 15:05

It's so hard - DD is 18 and it still upsets me when her 'friends' behave badly. I agree - think the mothers invite who they want. Try to encourage other friends who are more interested in reciprocating play dates and make sure your daughter has plenty of non-school friends if possible by going to e.g. drama, dance, etc.

MadamMMA · 14/05/2019 15:07

This happened to my DD2 with someone she thought was a close friend and the teacher allowed the party child to do show and tell all about her party

PamelaX · 14/05/2019 15:09

What's wrong with inviting only the children of your own friend if all the kids get on? It's not social engineering, no need to make a drama, it's just the natural and easiest thing to do.

some people are ridiculous.Hmm
If you have friends who you exchange a lot of favour with, take your kids on inset days, invite the kids for play dates, and your family for lunch, diner and so on, and the kids get on, how would you not invite them to a party?

Anyway, OP, if your DD doesn't have close friends at school, I would get her involved in a lot of activities outside of school where she can make other friends. It's not healthy if their entire world revolve around school.

MadamMMA · 14/05/2019 15:11

PamelaX all those things applied with my DD and her friend and she still didn't get invited :)

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/05/2019 15:14

We always started our invite list with the children whose parties my children had been too. It seems a bit mean not to.

Lifeover · 14/05/2019 15:16

I've come to the sad conclusion that kids invites and activities outside of school at that age rely 100% on who the mums want to invite.

Some school mums are very cliquey, with mums that work full time very rarely getting a look in.

Wait a few years and the kids will have the say in who to invite

LillithsFamiliar · 14/05/2019 15:17

It sounds as though they view the friendship differently. I'd ease off on the playdates and try to encourage other friendships.

VapeVamp12 · 14/05/2019 15:18

Have you asked your daughter about it?

I remember being in primary school and upsetting a girl for not inviting her to my birthday party. But my Mum asked me to invite her after the girls mum asked why and the truth was that, at school, she was a really nasty bully. She was a different child in front her Mum.

I wouldn't expect my child to invite someone they don't want to their party.

HJWT · 14/05/2019 15:20

@Todayimjane this is why its better to have a summer baby bouncy castle and party games can invite as many as you want then! My DN is having her first party in a couple of weeks and invited the whole class 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ luckily some of them are on holiday 🤣

Its hard when money/numbers is limited but if she gets invited round regularly id be having a word with the mum and asking for a reason why x

churchthecat · 14/05/2019 15:22

This is the age where I think it's important to manage a child's expectations and encourage resilience regarding parties.

One child might think another is her best friend, but the other child might see completely different people as their best friend. As children get older and only 5 or 6 get invited to a party not everyone can be invited.

It might be nothing personal, the child just might have closer friends, or lots of out of school friends/cousins etc.