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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that dd has not been invited to another party.

64 replies

Todayimjane · 14/05/2019 14:39

My dd is 8 and has yet again been left off an invite list for a party of a school friend. The child whose party it is and my child play everyday at school and my daughter thinks of her as one of her closest friends. She has come to each of my daughters birthday parties, and we’ve invited her round to play several times yet for the second year running (possibly 3rd year) my daughter hasn’t been included in her birthday party or ever been invited round to play.
The child’s mother always seems very friendly towards me and always gives me a cheery wave if we pass cars on the school run.

OP posts:

Mishappening · 14/05/2019 15:24

I understand that you feel upset for your child - that is only natural. But I always ,made a rule that I would not get directly involved in these sort of inter-children squabbles/falling-outs/strife etc.

I would take your DD for a nice day out so that when the children are discussing the party in school she can trump it!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2019 15:34

Encourage your dd to form other friendships. Get her interested in out of school activities, where there are children she doesn’t know. All this will build resilience. Then when your dds party comes along, engineer it so that if possible this girl isn’t invited. Or maybe she’s on the reserve list.

As for play dates, I had this with dd too with a couple of her friends. And the focus on just one child with non reciprocated party. I stopped doing play dates for a couple of years and focused on those, who reciprocated. Do you have a mum friend, who has a child the same age? Encourage a friendship with them. Even if it doesn’t last a lifetime, it will be enough to broaden your dds horizons. You / your dd seem far too focused on one child.

amyboo · 14/05/2019 15:34

Most of the parents in my elder son's class (age 9) have started organising parties via WhatsApp rather than with invitations. That way it stops it being such a thing at school and stops individual children feeling left out. DS was in tears earlier in the year as one "friend" made a big show about "accidentally" leaving him out when distributing the invitations at school....

missperegrinespeculiar · 14/05/2019 15:40

yeah, I think invites should be reciprocated whenever possible (barring bulling of course), it's just hurtful and rude otherwise, we had this just last week, parties literally on the same week-end, we invited twin boys in my DC's class, they did not reciprocate, their DM discussed this quite openly with me, as in, "thanks for invite, very lucky that it is not the same time as their party or they couldn't have made it"

no trace of embarrassment, I don't get it, if it was me I would at least explain (sorry, limited numbers, could not include your DS, or whatever) but not one word was said

agnurse · 14/05/2019 15:40

It's sad, absolutely. But your DD needs to learn at some point that she's not going to get everything she wants. She needs to learn that she is not entitled to be at someone else's party.

Frankly, if Hubby and I have more children, I think it might be best to stay out of the party business altogether. It sounds as if they're more trouble and cause more issues than they're worth.

haloumi · 14/05/2019 15:41

I have a 2.5year old. I DREAD all this party stuff to come …

It's all bollocks and got out of hand I think …

Looking for ways to instill some resilience into my boy for when the inevitable happens...…

SolitudeAtAltitude · 14/05/2019 15:47

Ideally the parents should be the ones modelling a bit of resilience

JustSomebodyThatIUsedToKnow · 14/05/2019 15:51

Is it a sleepover party? My DS had one for his 8th birthday (3 friends), and honestly I vetoe'd some of his suggested guests just because I barely knew the child / their parents / had never even had the child over to play before, and I just didn't know how they'd cope with an overnight stay. I definitely encouraged him to pick 3 children who and whose parents we knew well and who I was confident would cope with a sleepover (I have since invited the other friends for playdates though to get to know them a bit better - it wasn't anything personal).

SallyWD · 14/05/2019 15:54

@fuckitywhat I didn't see it myself but my daughter told me. To be honest I didn't feel too bad as this particular girl isn't that nice to my daughter and has excluded her before! We had a very strict limit of 10 kids due to the cost (trampoline and lunch).

Pgqio · 14/05/2019 16:02

Mine are 18 and 22 now but this was one of the things that caused me more angst than almost anything else when they were growing up.

I always reciprocated invites and play dates but plenty didn't bother. It's still a trigger for me, at Christmas DS was deliberately snubbed by 2 girls in his year that he's known and socialised with his whole life and it was horrible reliving that feeling.

No real advice just saying it's understandable to feel the way you do but there's nothing you can do to change it. Hugs.

BlingLoving · 14/05/2019 16:03

I think this is an opportunity to teach DD that not everyone she thinks is a friend really is. I'd be encouraging her to start trying to build better friendships with other children as it's clear this girl is not her real friend. And if she's not being invited to play dates, but others are, that's also a pointed lesson.

It's horrible. DS doesn't get invited to a lot of parties and it breaks my heart. But he seems to mostly be okay with it as he's pretty comfortable with his small group of friends.

rosydreams · 14/05/2019 16:05

i wonder this to with my daughters friends whats worst is no else invites my daughter to their party's either. Every year since start of school i always did a big party.But every year fewer invites last year i think one.So this year i tried her closet friends in a small party they all agreed in advance.Then one cancelled a week before,another cancelled day before and another didn't show up.So she had a birthday with one friend.

user1471590586 · 14/05/2019 16:42

"What's wrong with inviting only the children of your own friend if all the kids get on? It's not social engineering, no need to make a drama, it's just the natural and easiest thing to do.

some people are ridiculous.hmm
If you have friends who you exchange a lot of favour with, take your kids on inset days, invite the kids for play dates, and your family for lunch, diner and so on, and the kids get on, how would you not invite them to a party? "

So you only invite the kids of your own friends and not allow your children to make their own choices at all? The person I know only invites those kids and not others so yes it is social engineering. Choosing your children's friends for them and excluding others. I happen to know that this same parent only allows their child to be in contact with the kids of her own friends on their phone/ social media too. She isn't allowed to have other friends on there from school. And no there is nothing wrong with my child or her behaviour at all and no issues with bullying.

Pgqio · 14/05/2019 16:44

That's really rotten rosydreams, if we'd agreed to attend a party we attended no matter what (barring serious illness of course). I could never understand these people who thought it was fine to bail out for a better offer at the last minute or not turn up at all and never bother to explain. People are weird.

rosydreams · 14/05/2019 16:50

i would understand if people say i maybe able to attend its annoying but ok i will wait to book things. but when people agree they seem to forgot that people have to book things in advance.

user1471590586 · 14/05/2019 17:01

That's awful rosydreams. I always make the effort to get my kids to parties.

Neighneigh · 14/05/2019 17:08

My eldest hasn't been invited to a single one of his school friends parties this year - they've all turned in to football mad types and he just isn't in to it. I am sad for him but he's not made a big deal of it. He didn't have a party himself this year so I wonder if people have thought "oh little neighneigh hasn't invited us, so we won't invite him". Tbh I can't remember whose party I went to in 1988 and whose I didn't, so in the big scheme of things I'm trying to keep it not too much of an issue.

billy1966 · 14/05/2019 17:08

I certainly wouldn't continue to have a child over that didn't return playdates, but had other children over.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/05/2019 17:09

I imagine it’s a select few, as dd’s have been for the past 2 yrs

So you are quite happy to only invite a few and leave others out but think it's wrong when others do the same? Can't have it both ways.

purpleboy · 14/05/2019 17:14

Luckily we only have 14 in the whole year so usually it's a whole year party, some of the boys have had boy only parties again organised by the mums as all the kids regularly play together and I even heard one of the boys asking why he didn't have invitations for his girlfriends. I think it's sad that children are excluded purely for having a vagina!

givemesteel · 14/05/2019 17:27

Oh dear OP, your poor DD. I agree, I wouldn't host any more playdates with this girl, you've done two and it's not been reciprocated, they're obviously a bit 'take take take' as, a family when you combine with this.

Is there another upcoming party or fun event you can focus on? Maybe you can her for a treat that weekend so she can show off and not lose face about why she wasn't there to others in the class.

formerbabe · 14/05/2019 17:30

One girl burst in to tears last year not to be invited to my daughter's party

Honestly, if that happened to me, I'd say to the child "oh gosh, I'm so sorry, I left your invitation at home...silly me" then make the space.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 14/05/2019 17:45

I often find its the parents who get the most worked up about kids parties...I have a 7 yr old and she will say why arent I invited to xxx party? Dont know sweetheart is my answer what do you want to do instead? and she cheerfully comes up with something..I send up thanks to the party gods and think hey oh result I dont have to spend 2 hrs in a room full of kids and 20 quid on a prezzie...spend the money on her instead...when she has a party people come or they don;t I am not fussed....The clique of mums with their playdates in our school I just don;t want to buy into...I havent the time or energy or patience to be part of the whole charade...Maybe if you can demonstrate its no big deal your DD will take her lead from you in how to handle it....I am sorry she is so upset though no one wants their child to be hurt...school is a mine field to me,I can t keep up with who is friends with who this week or who isn;t...I think that in part explains my nonchallent attitude to it,,by the time I have got worked up they are all fine again!

Helix1244 · 14/05/2019 17:50

It does sound like your dd likes the dc more. Which is fine. My 4yo is like that with many friends. Some kids are the popular ones and have loads but some of those may only have them.
Both of mine rarely get invited to anything. In fact i would say in reception it seemed the 'beige' kids who get invited to everything. As they are not annoying etc.
Also i would say the eldest get invited to much more. (1 kid had 4 parties in 1 weekend compared to some getting none all year.
Parents friendships play a part and also as i say some kids get veted for various reasons. Maybe they wind each other up, cry when they dont win stuff (bear in mind though that they are less experienced at parties because they are never invited). Cry or fight with siblings before or after school.
Overall it is sad and on these threads you see too that SEN dc etc are the ones left out.

PamelaX · 14/05/2019 18:24

In fact i would say in reception it seemed the 'beige' kids who get invited to everything. As they are not annoying etc.

beige kids?
by your description, do you mean the nice and pleasant ones? Wonder why people don't jump at the chance to invite kids always screaming and fighting...

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