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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that dd has not been invited to another party.

64 replies

Todayimjane · 14/05/2019 14:39

My dd is 8 and has yet again been left off an invite list for a party of a school friend. The child whose party it is and my child play everyday at school and my daughter thinks of her as one of her closest friends. She has come to each of my daughters birthday parties, and we’ve invited her round to play several times yet for the second year running (possibly 3rd year) my daughter hasn’t been included in her birthday party or ever been invited round to play.
The child’s mother always seems very friendly towards me and always gives me a cheery wave if we pass cars on the school run.

OP posts:

woodhill · 14/05/2019 18:43

Yes it still upsets me that yd was left out of a party in Y1 many years ago.

I always tried to reciprocate invites where possible but one girl dd really didn't like as I think she may have been a bully in the group.

It is hard OP 😔

SallyWD · 14/05/2019 21:40

@formerbabe the only reason I didn't invite this girl to the party is because she's not particularly pleasant to my child (and didn't invite my DD to her party which happened before!). If she was nice to my child I would have relented and let my daughter have an extra person.

formerbabe · 14/05/2019 21:43

Fair enough!

Littlecaf · 14/05/2019 21:46

Doesn’t this happen all the way through life though? Friendships wax and wane, you only get invited to others gathering sometimes etc. Even tonight when leaving work a group of people I thought I was good friends/colleagues left at the same time and it was clear they were off to the pub and didn’t invite me! That’s life, as heartbreaking as it is!

Pgqio · 14/05/2019 21:50

Death is "part of life", lots of unpleasant things are, doesn't make any of it any more fun to deal with.

Springwalk · 14/05/2019 21:57

Op very best thing maybe to work out who isn’t going and do something fun at your house. That way you encourage new friendships, and your child and others have something to talk about when inevitably on Monday the talk is all about the party.
I wouldn’t be rushing to invite that child to my house again.

areyoubeingserviced · 14/05/2019 22:00

This is why I had one whole class party for all my children and then had only girls or only boys for the remaining time at primary school
I would be mortified if I upset a child by not inviting them to a party

NormHonal · 14/05/2019 22:02

As they get older the numbers you can have to parties often get smaller...easier when you can have a village hall/bouncy castle to have 30 than when it's a specific activity. So best to prepare your DD for this sort of disappointment.

A few things have stopped us inviting other children to parties/playdates. The main one being meanness/unkindness/perceived unkindness (e.g. "Bob laughed when I got a question wrong in class today"). If my DCs are coming home complaining about another child then, if a decision has to be made about numbers, Bob won't make the cut.

In that age children, I've also come across a bit of the super-confident children (girls) pre-empting the guest list and being manipulative "I am going to be invited to your party, aren't I? I'm going to buy you the BEST present ever!" (yes, I've witnessed that).

Maybe they are trying to reciprocate invites their DC has had?

And yes, there are the parents who are cliquey and look down their nose at you. We have one of these (mums) in our lives and I think my DC would have to win the lottery, cure cancer and then turn water into wine in front of her before she'd deign to extend an invite to either a play date, let alone a party (for the record, DC is a lovely kid, very popular, very kind and gentle and doesn't have any SEN - my other DC does, so I know that one as well).

OKBobble · 14/05/2019 22:09

Just accept that your child's perception of their friendship may be different from the other child's.

As for inviting someone who bursts into tears because they aren't - sorry that is just daft. They were either chosen to be invited or they aren't. All that inviting them because they cry teaches them is that is how they can manipulate people into getting their own way.

You would think by now from all the threads that people should accept that people can invite finite numbers of guests and that if you are not invited then so be it!

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 14/05/2019 22:13

Ds14 had a ‘bowling party’ then we took them to a restaurant for a meal for his 9th birthday. We were making his guest list and he named 7 boys, then he said ‘X’, I was surprised because as far as I was aware they weren’t really friends. So I asked ds, and he said ‘no one ever invites him to a party, so he can come to mine’. I felt so proud of him at the age of 9 he recognised that someone was being left out and included them.

Hollowvictory · 14/05/2019 22:17

If my dd said she had no friends I'd say, right let's have a tea party this weekend you can invite 4 friends, who do you want?

Mzjackson86 · 15/05/2019 07:33

That sucks so bad for you DD. Maybe don't invite her to the next party you have. Taste of their own medicine works wonders.
Maybe try do something fun with your DD on that day to take her mind off it. Bowling? Indoor play center? Trampoline center? picnic in the park and feeding the ducks? And if you can take one or two other kids from her class she might make a new best friend?

EugenesAxe · 15/05/2019 09:15

Maybe the child doesn’t actively seek friendship with your DD. I’ve known girls who have latched on to other girls and would call them their best friends when the other girl hasn’t really been bothered, but would keep them around either out of kindness or for the ego boost.

This happened a bit to my DD - a girl got it in her head that DD was very desirable as a friend, but as DD (normally) thinks of others she included the girl when she asked to play... we would reciprocate play dates and party invites from her out of politeness but their personalities were a bit chalk and cheese. My DD really moaned about inviting her to her birthday but, without wanting to sound like a dick, I am quite principled and overruled her; I know many, many parents who are solely about empowering their children and who wouldn’t.

SnowyAlps what an amazing child you have brought up! I would have cried 😆

woollyheart · 15/05/2019 09:34

To mothers saying that they would invite a child that burst into tears - aren't you being a little dramatic?

I would hope that you would would take your child's preferences into account. Teaching children that they can get to go to all parties they want as long as they burst into tears isn't a good lesson. Children might be disappointed that they can't go to every party, but that is something they need to learn to deal with - hopefully in private with sympathetic parents to help them.

However, it is unkind to offer invitations out in front of people who are not invited.

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