AIBU to ask you to persuade me not to hand my notice in right now and to help me formulate a better, longer term escape plan instead?

[SaageGreen]

Because I'm struggling today and I feel like I want to just do it but suspect that I would regret it quite soon

Also peri-menopausal- perhaps it is one of the endless symptoms

Hi op, thanks for asking. I texted my line manager on Sunday and told her I could barely function for anxiety. She told me to self cert this week and get a line if that wasn't enough which is what I'll do. Still feel dreadful but I'm in a safe place here and crucially I'm NOT THERE.

I hope you've had a better day today Pgqio. I admire you doing something about it by talking to your work.

Sarcelle I'm sorry I missed your post, it was due to a new page starting for me iyswim. So much about your post resonated for me. Being aware of the benefits of my job and knowing that I could be in much dire straits. I have order the book about Not Giving A F*ck and hope that will help me to get a better frame of reference.

One thing I think I need to learn as I approach my 40s is that I really, really need to prioritise downtime. Like, at least a day per week. It feels "weak" and "extravagant" but I can't deny that it's becoming a necessity for me.

What Is your job at the moment?

I have been there and I ended up going sick for 6 months I went back but it didn’t work and I found myself a new job, completely different working with a fantastic team - it’s like night and day in comparison. Life is too short to be that miserable at work, I was crying all the time and completely miserable until the day I walked out and then I unravelled. I am still over 2 years later recovering from my breakdown, I will be for a long time. My breakdown changed me, I would never want to go back to that place again, I am different to how I was before and I think a better version of myself now. But piecing my self back together was bloody hard, so leave now before this happens to you.

It was when my friend told me that she drove to work hoping to have a car accident so that she wouldn't have to go to work I told her to get her notice in pronto. It's such a cliché, but life is too short! Particularly if you have no dependents and a good amount of savings.
Try that test on yourself, does a non life threatening accident or illness which requires some time away from work and in hospital seem appealing? Yes? Then you need to make some serious changes.

Yes, time away definitely helps. Headspace is very important. My DH is also feeling the same. What has helped him if finding something outside of work he can get absorbed in. His is learning to play a keyboard as a total novice. It forces him to be mindful, that all allusive flow that mindfulness books reference. And he gets a sense of achievement when he masters something.

I have yet to find my flow.

Due to endless issues with my ultimate boss, it all came to a head one day and I was outside the office in a back alley crying down the phone to DH and telling him I couldn't do it and I was going to have to go back inside and just resign. It was breaking point.

In my case, I don't know how or why I then realised that the it wasn't just bad management but actually possibly illegal management - like you, my job had been changed and messed around with and it was all a bit tricky. So I got in touch with an employment lawyer. 3 weeks later I left with a generous package - my lawyer gave me a script to take to the big boss/HR and they then went away and considered it before making an offer. Best thing I ever did, even though it was terrifying (even with the package).

Another friend in a different situation managed to shift to part time work. But not sure if that's an option for you.

I'm in a similar position to Sarcelle and am actually signed off work at the moment. Work noticed that I wasn't well, so they sent me to Occupational Health who promptly sent me home. I'm just off to the doctor to pick up my second line. I argued with OH that I was fine for work and feel fine most of the time at home but suddenly something will happen and it's clear that I'm not right.

Don't give up about phoning the doctor just because you couldn't get an answer once. Be kind to yourself. The doctor get help get you through this. Hugs from the front line.

Lovestonap - that’s exactly what I felt like too. OP please take some time off to reassess your situation and decide what you want to do.

Try that test on yourself, does a non life threatening accident or illness which requires some time away from work and in hospital seem appealing?

Death is appealing. I would never admit that in person, but I've long believed it. I wouldn't hurry it along, but it will be a blessed relief when all of this is over.

I did try the doctor's again but I think they'd closed the phones a bit early than 5:30.

I'm feeling better, but I don't want to rest on my laurels because this will happen again if I don't change anything.

Death is appealing

That's worrying. But maybe probing that could help guide you when you're out of crisis, if you can work through it with therapy. What is it that appeals, and how could you get that safely to make your life better?

"Death is appalling"

I've been there and got stuck there for several years BUT it did get better, mainly self care and time. I need down time I need to spend time with people that I like and are "good" for me. I learnt to say "no".

Hang on in there

What is it that appeals, and how could you get that safely to make your life better?

I didn't mean to be dramatic. I've just long harboured a desire to be free from all of the demands that are placed on me (by me and others).

Hang on in there

Thank you. Your words have had a real impact on me.

What is it that appeals, and how could you get that safely to make your life better?

I realise that I didn't fully answer your question. The second part is quite "big"!

That's such a shame op, I'm struggling just now and can empathise but keep saying to myself "good or bad, nothing lasts forever".

A coach once told me that burnout is often ... because either you don't feel your work is valued (eg by managers), or you don't feel your work is worth anything (i.e. you don't add any value to your company). And that feeling or worthlessness just overloads the stress and you burn out.

Wise words!! It's a very important distinction - we all want to do things that matter, that have value.

Well done taking the first steps to improved wellness, OP.

Op I've been you too. Utter misery and I presumed a job couldn't have made me feel that bad, but after a lot of soul searching etc it was the job and only the job. I left and felt like the typical cliche of weight being lifted.

I find myself in a similar boat now but am not hanging about and letting it get to me this time, I'm out of there!

Take care of yourself, you only get this life. Have you thought of doing an exercise, even just walking, to clear your head. Running is great, whether you are fast or slow.

I realise that I didn't fully answer your question. The second part is quite "big"!

Oh yes, absolutely. I wasn't expecting an answer, certainly didn't intend to put pressure on you. What you said immediately after saying that death was appealing gave me the sense that there could be some insight into what you need out of life there.

Please don't go back there until you are either feeling amazingly well, or are handing back your laptop/keys.

I became incredibly unwell when a reorg led to me have a complete cunt of a manager whose only "ability" was to micro manage the fuck out of all his managers, leading us all to go sick/burn out/resign.

I left without a job to go to and am currently working part time and dipping into savings whilst I recover. I aim to get a "proper job" by September and am set on having a lovely summer as I really deserve it after the horrible time I had. I remember driving to work one day and feeling an overwhelming urge to just abandon my car in the rush hour traffic and walk into the sea.

You aren't alone. I am feeling great now and friends and old colleagues say I look so much better.

Take it a day at a time, but I do think a trip to the GP would be a good starting point. You don't have to do anything they say or take anything of you don't want to, but give yourself options by listening to them.

I’m freelance, but took a contract that, on paper, ticked every box. It was in my chosen very niche industry, with clients I had previously worked with (and another third party), great sector exposure, fab money.

However, the third party were a fucking nightmare. Caused six months of stress, tears, self doubt and hair tearing. Eventually had to admit that the state I had worked myself into meant that I could no longer deliver the contract to the level I would be happy with - and wasn’t prepared to put my name to a half-cocked attempt in front of peers I have worked bloody hard to impress.

The RELIEF when I told them where to go was immense. Sat on the patio and cried and cried and cried (Shock I think) and then had a cup of tea and thought ‘thank fuck for that’.

The nice previous client who was the third wheel were 100% supportive, and have since cut ties with the awkward entities too. Childishly, am quite enjoying seeing the whole project fall off a cliff now, but that’s another story.

Just do it OP. You’ll feel so much better and life has a way of working out x

It's not unreasonable to feel this way at all, perhaps you have felt down with your line manager moving on. Bosses/managers can make all the difference to us. I moved on from my last role for promotion but I was really upset to leave my boss - we are strictly professional but he made such a difference to my work life. He was trusting and listened to ideas etc. It's a reasonable way to feel. Cut yourself some slack and gather your thoughts when you feel more rested and less stressed.

Only cried twice this hour.

I remember driving to work one day and feeling an overwhelming urge to just abandon my car in the rush hour traffic and walk into the sea.

God yes, I can empathise with that.

I remember coming home from a shit day in work where my director would lie to the other director (husband and wife) and I was caught in the middle. 2 glasses of wine later I phoned and said ‘I quit’ went in the next day and cleared my office. That was 6 years ago. I haven’t been back to work since/ diagnosed with one thing after another and lastly bipolar😂. Looking to get back to work but boy is it hard! I was getting head hunter for jobs in the 60k range, I think now i’ll be lucky to get minimum wage. I’m 39 too!

It's always easier to get a job if you already have one. For a start, you won't have to explain at an interview why you left a job without having another one to go to - that demonstrates rash judgement.

So the best option is always to leave at your own convenience - that is, after you have found another job and been offered and accepted it.

Your angst should be considered as the trigger to start looking.

If you leave without a job, you won't seriously inconvenience your (ex) employer but you could cause yourself serious hardship - and why would you do that.