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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a MIL one

70 replies

Llamaticdrama · 14/05/2019 13:33

Is it me or is she determine to drive a wedge between me and dh?

She worked away a lot in the beginning.. but she’s only gone and bloody retired as I fell pregnant. (Can you sense my joy already). Initially I thought that’d be lovely, the ability to return to work p/t and have a little help if I needed it.

In the beginning I missed things but since the birth I’ve clocked it more. Firstly DH got a notion and claimed “everyone” let people babysit their newborns overnight in the first weeks (no mention of how bf’ing was going to work) so they weren’t tired. He couldn’t tell me who he knew that did this but was adamant. I stood my ground and haven’t let anyone have dc overnight yet as I don’t get enough between feeds yet to pump out for an extended period.

She always moans about “the state of the place” I’m pretty sure neither of them have noticed the newborn child who feeds every two hours for an hour at a time or me with the ratty bun. There’s never more than a dish in the sink and extra baby things sitting to go upstairs but you’d think there was nappies piled to the ceiling by her reaction which plays through to him. He also expects to still maintain his hobby every night as it’s a “lifestyle” and we “won’t work” if I don’t don my Cinderella rags. His words but only after having been for lunch with MIL. Honestly I spent that day sobbing upstairs with the baby looking at flats to fuck off to for my own sanity. MIL suggested I (yes only me) got up at 5/6am when the baby feeds and do the housework then rather than sleeping for a few more hours. DH works 9am to 5pm 5days out of 7 so hardly a long hard shift at any point but he wouldn’t even be up at 6.

Finally the nail in the coffin was her suggestion of taking out the newborn for a 3hour car ride with no stops.. because they done it back then. DC was prem and is only just the weight of an average newborn.

I’m not crazy she’s madder than a hatter right?

OP posts:
ScatteredMama82 · 14/05/2019 13:35

To be honest it sounds like your DH is the bigger problem here. HE should be dealing with his DMs unreasonable behaviour. And yes, she sounds like a nightmare.

rainbowlovesfroot · 14/05/2019 13:36

Ur husband is the problem not ur MIL

redhotchill · 14/05/2019 13:41

Yep, definitely your husband that's the issue here. Lazy bastard

ANewDawn10 · 14/05/2019 13:42

Agree with the others. It's your dh not her. Why does she have such a big say in your life. Why dont you put her in her place and tell her exactly to mind her business.

Original poster
Llamaticdrama · 14/05/2019 13:43

He literally can’t see a problem with her. Drives me batty, if he’s not seen her he’s perfectly content won’t moan and helps out on his days off. And will help if told to after work.

I’ve not a clue how you deal with this because obviously I’ll be the devil reincarnated if I say he needs to detach from her vag and be realistic or tell her off.

OP posts:
PerfectPeony2 · 14/05/2019 13:44

MIL sounds toxic but I’d be more worried about your DH. I think that’s the main issue here not her.

Doing a hobby every night when you have a child is unacceptable. DH had to stop his for a while as I need those few hours to rest when he gets home from work, and I wouldn’t expect anything less from him. He is a parent and DD is much his responsibility as she is mine. He needs to seriously step up and be a father. I’d be giving him an ultimatum

Do you have family around for support? Flowers

IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 13:47

I dont know how big your house is, ie have you got a spare room, but it was certainly common in my circle of friends to have your own mother/sister stay occassionally to help out.

That said, your DH, as others have said, a lazy git. The MIL is enabling him. He should taking up the slack.

I rarely say this but MIL can fuck off to the far side, and then some, with her opinions.

sackrifice · 14/05/2019 13:49

Leave the computer open on flats you are looking for and tell him one more word having a pop at you and you are out of there. He needs to either stick up for you or that's it.

FriarTuck · 14/05/2019 13:50

Fairly sure you can't have a 'lifestyle' and a new baby....
I might have blamed MIL if DH had been brainwashed at an earlier age into believing she's always right but it sounds like she's merely amplifying his existing twatness. He's using her words as an excuse.
Can you get your mum (or better still dad) to come round and make a few remarks aimed at his lack of contribution ('so and so always insisted on doing the washing up etc. when he was at home and his wife was dealing with THEIR baby - you can always tell the decent husband from the selfish one from their behaviour in these situations' or 'I told OP that DH wasn't the right one and that deep down he was selfish')

blackcat86 · 14/05/2019 13:51

Him saying it wont work if you dare to look a bit raggy whilst bf your newborn would do it for me. I would tell MIL that you really appreciate her noticing that the house is not up to your usual standards because you have a newborn to look after and it would be lovely for her to help you. How kind of her to point it out! Either DH starts to stick up for you or get yourself over to one of those lovely flats you've seen. Is your mum able to help?

Goingonabeerhunt · 14/05/2019 13:52

I dont know how big your house is, ie have you got a spare room, but it was certainly common in my circle of friends to have your own mother/sister stay occassionally to help out.
I know nobody who has done this.
Worst nightmare

CupOhTea · 14/05/2019 13:53

They both sound horrendous! Obviously yanbu Flowers. Poor you. Are you on mat leave? Could you leave if you really wanted? Do you have family of your own nearby?

letsgohooray · 14/05/2019 13:58

He also expects to still maintain his hobby every night as it’s a “lifestyle” and we “won’t work” if I don’t don my Cinderella rags. can you explain this bit. I'm not understanding. DO you mean he wants sex every night? Or that he wants to do some hobby at home and needs you to 'don your Cinderella rags' and clean the place up for him to be able to do his hobby at home? I'm confused.

IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 14:00

@Goingonabeerhunt

It may be your worst nightmare but broadly my friends all have normal functinal families who know their boundaries. Yours may be entirely different.

Rozzie18 · 14/05/2019 14:01

Honestly OP it’s your DH that’s the problem. It’s only going to get worse too. He wants all the benefits of a baby with none of the effort.

Your lifestyle changes when you have children whether you like it or not. Tell him to not be so selfish or he can go and live with his lovely mother!

SignedUpJust4This · 14/05/2019 14:02

Altogether now... You have a DH problem. Tell them both to get tae fuck.

Drum2018 · 14/05/2019 14:03

I'd tell her to fuck off and set that boundary loud and clear. She mightn't be as quick to visit if you are a bit hostile towards her and her fucking nastiness. Your Dh is an utter prick. Can you go and stay with your family for a couple of weeks to let him stew on his own and tell him firmly that you will never tolerate that treatment from his mother or him.

NoSauce · 14/05/2019 14:03

DH and MIL sound like absolute twats tbh. As hard as it will be you need to get your husband in your side so you both can stand up to MIL and her ridiculous suggestions.

Goingonabeerhunt · 14/05/2019 14:04

It may be your worst nightmare but broadly my friends all have normal functinal families who know their boundaries. Yours may be entirely different
Apparently not enough boundaries to learn to be kind to strangers 🤔
Why attack me or my family? I was giving my personal opinion.
How very rude and unkind.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 14/05/2019 14:04

She sounds hideous but I agree with PPS that you have a DH problem.

He's not standing up for you. He's agreeing with her because what she says justifies his shitty selfish behaviour.

If she is being a bitch about the state of your home- tell her not to come over! Why should you host a woman who is there to judge you??

Absolutely sleep whenever you can. Fuck the dishes. DH has four working limbs, doesn't he?

Quartz2208 · 14/05/2019 14:05

Yes its easier to focus on her than the real issue here your DH

So far he wont get up, wont help clean, thinks babies should be away overnight and the worst his life goes on and should have a hobby every night.

Its far more likely that rather than putting these ideas in his head she is supporting and enabling them (of course darling you dont need to get up/give up your hobbies etc)

But you arent working as a couple are you - and its up to you to tell him he is correct it isnt working and unless he shapes up he will be shipping out

Flamingosnbears · 14/05/2019 14:06

He needs to have a chat with his mum for your own sanity.

Teddybear45 · 14/05/2019 14:07

Are you and DH having problems? This kind of sounds like your DH is preparing an exit strategy and is feeling you out in terms of how you would split access to your child. Are you sure everything actually comes from MIL and not OW?

Yougotdis · 14/05/2019 14:07

I would go nuclear. It’s rare I say it but I would ask him to leave the home while you work on your relationship. Tell him you can’t care for your child and ‘provide as a wife’ and you will always always put your child first. Then send him home to mummy.

When he inevitably comes begging back then set out how life will be and make it clear his mothers opinions belong in her home not yours.

Coyoacan · 14/05/2019 14:09

Having another healthy person around the house when you have a baby should make your life better not worse.

I would be seriously looking at those flats, OP.