Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

It’s a MIL one

70 replies

Llamaticdrama · 14/05/2019 13:33

Is it me or is she determine to drive a wedge between me and dh?

She worked away a lot in the beginning.. but she’s only gone and bloody retired as I fell pregnant. (Can you sense my joy already). Initially I thought that’d be lovely, the ability to return to work p/t and have a little help if I needed it.

In the beginning I missed things but since the birth I’ve clocked it more. Firstly DH got a notion and claimed “everyone” let people babysit their newborns overnight in the first weeks (no mention of how bf’ing was going to work) so they weren’t tired. He couldn’t tell me who he knew that did this but was adamant. I stood my ground and haven’t let anyone have dc overnight yet as I don’t get enough between feeds yet to pump out for an extended period.

She always moans about “the state of the place” I’m pretty sure neither of them have noticed the newborn child who feeds every two hours for an hour at a time or me with the ratty bun. There’s never more than a dish in the sink and extra baby things sitting to go upstairs but you’d think there was nappies piled to the ceiling by her reaction which plays through to him. He also expects to still maintain his hobby every night as it’s a “lifestyle” and we “won’t work” if I don’t don my Cinderella rags. His words but only after having been for lunch with MIL. Honestly I spent that day sobbing upstairs with the baby looking at flats to fuck off to for my own sanity. MIL suggested I (yes only me) got up at 5/6am when the baby feeds and do the housework then rather than sleeping for a few more hours. DH works 9am to 5pm 5days out of 7 so hardly a long hard shift at any point but he wouldn’t even be up at 6.

Finally the nail in the coffin was her suggestion of taking out the newborn for a 3hour car ride with no stops.. because they done it back then. DC was prem and is only just the weight of an average newborn.

I’m not crazy she’s madder than a hatter right?

OP posts:

Servalan · 14/05/2019 14:42

Your MIL may be stirring the pot, but your DH has free will as to whether to swallow what she serves.

He needs to get a grip.

Jasging · 14/05/2019 14:43

Babies cannot go on a three hour car ride - yes she is stupid. When I had my kids the advice was no more than 2 hours in a car seat as it isn't good for their windpipe, I believe this has been vastly reduced more recently. She is used to him doing everything she wants so tho is the baby is hers as well. She needs to back off and your DH. Needs to grow up. Babies do not need a sleepover at grandmas they need their mum. If baby is below 6 months she/he needs to sleep near you to reduce risk of SIDS also. Tell her to back the fuck off!

bigbadbadger · 14/05/2019 14:44

You need to tell him he's right, it won't work. Ask him to move back in with his mother.

CurbsideProphet · 14/05/2019 14:47

I can't see any benefit to being in a marriage with a husband who doesn't see you as a partnership. You are there to skivvy around him while he lives his life however he likes.

Does he take any part in parenting your little baby, or being your husband?

GoodbyeRosie · 14/05/2019 14:52

Well, they can't have been hiding what selfish twats they are before you had the DC, surely there must have been signs?

Anyway, I think most people in your position would have lost any respect and love for a DH as pathetic as yours appears to be. Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's the picture you given us.

I don't know if I would have the courage to go it alone, but it doesn't sound like you would notice must difference. If the finances work it might be for the best.

I'd lay it on the line for him. Shape up or bugger off , and if it's shape up, he needs to tell his mother to stop interfering.

BertrandRussell · 14/05/2019 14:54

No point trying to tackle her. Concentrate on him.

Original poster

Llamaticdrama · 14/05/2019 14:58

Don’t fear ive snapped back at him about how he swans in luxury and his life hasn’t changed and if he’d like to take dc for 24hours (obviously not possible with bfing) to see what he’d manage to do.. obviously it turns into the woe is me chant from him.

He needs told because I’ve discovered that until I moved in his dm took him shopping and helped him do big cleans.. I think the next man I’m near will need to submit an application form with a full background report.

He’s happy to do the fun parenting things, giving dummy back to smalls who’s spat it out looking for boob, shhhing, bouncing and pushing the pram are his current skills.

The sad part is I’m in one of the better shit shows.. own bank account, own money and family who bother

OP posts:

KissUntilTheyDieOfRabies · 14/05/2019 14:59

@Goingonabeerhunt

* I dont know how big your house is, ie have you got a spare room, but it was certainly common in my circle of friends to have your own mother/sister stay occassionally to help out.*

"I know nobody who has done this.
Worst nightmare"

I did this, the first time round. Mine came the first week, my exs mum came the second week.

Neither of us had a clue which end was which when my DD was born. And both our mums are lovely. Loads on MN have awful family but my mum was amazing. We don't always see eye to eye but she's always done what she can for me. And I know others who have had a parent or sister stay or visit most of the early days to help with latching on, helping round the home, etc.

It's luck of the gene pool.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/05/2019 15:09

The pair of them sound batshit frankly! You need to stick to your guns. Sorry OP it’s not what you need right now

SunshineCake · 14/05/2019 15:23

Please free yourself from this waste of space and your child from the disappointment that is their father. I'm assuming your baby is weeks old? Better your husband goes back to mummy now rather than when your child is three and able to understand daddy has left and daddy thinks he is daddy of the fucking year as he played football once/brushed her hair

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/05/2019 15:43

You are in a pickle. Your MIL crazy, and does not bear you any goodwill - no way would I let her have overnight care of a breast feeding newborn or let her drive your baby to her house.. What excuse does she even give for that. Its a moronic power play using your newborn. Comments about getting up at 5am to clean the house are utterly utterly ridiculous. There is no point trying to talk her around or deal with her. Just tell her very very bluntly that you do not accept her suggestions. If she is offended she might actually be easier to deal with. Politeness has not worked. It sounds like you have a lovely supportive DM.. what does she think about all this?

The concerning part is your DH allowing MIL to behave like this and his general lack of support. Its all very well people telling you to talk to him about his attitude, but people with self absorbed attitudes like him rarely listen. Also your comment that its surprising you had a DC in the first place. Perhaps you need to consider your relationship and find someone to discuss this with in real life.
I hope you find a solution to this and have a chance to enjoy your new baby x

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 14/05/2019 15:50

I have no real advice OP, but have to say I love your writing style it's funny and exasperated all at once!

Missingstreetlife · 14/05/2019 15:54

Obvious solution is move about 100 miles away but suppose that's not practical. Have you actually told him that his behaviour is a deal breaker? Give him a real talking tonandclay down boundaries. Couple counselling?
If he won't step up I would tell her her fortune and go low contact. Be fierce op you deserve better.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 14/05/2019 16:08

OP you need to get your big girl pants on and tell your husband he signed up to being a father ...he needs to act like one..also your mil is not welcome with her snide behaviour.If this is unacceptable to him he has options...loose you and baby and you will take him .his crumbling home and his wallet for all he is worth and him and mil will never see either you or your baby again...step up or ship out....Now you dont need to go through with it (personally thought I would!) but you need to frighten him into realizing he is not being a good partner or indeed a good father....You have enough on your plate at the minute ..please dry your tears and sort the shit and his mother out...do it once and you probably will never have to do it again....Go nuclear and I swear you will feel better for doing it....You are the priority here...recovering from the birth and you should be supported in doing so...you are vital to your baby so you must take care of you and the only way you can do that is to get this off your chest...if he refuses then fine you will be better off without him and his mum ...atleast you know you can rely on you ....

goose1964 · 14/05/2019 16:59

Tell him newborn nappies are a doddle. Inform him you'll change for the first 6 months and then he can take over. All the male parents in my family change nappies, even if it's not their child who needs changing.

Tell him to stop playing silly games and parent

Fakenametodayhey · 15/05/2019 23:32

Could have written this but i forgot to stand up for myself.
Found out mil was stealing from us (worth the money!) And we never saw her since. All of our problems dissolved and we have been happy since. No big fights. And its been nearly four years.
You know what im suggesting.
Get rid of her. Haha

EKGEMS · 16/05/2019 00:02

What a son of a bitch! Literally! My mil once told me it was "My job" to change diapers and my DH said "Nope it's mine as well" and changed our son right in front of her shocked and bitchy face-she said "Your Father never changed diapers" she whined out loud I was biting my tongue so bad. I'd have thrown my DH out had he pulled that sexist shit with me but I think he wouldn't dare

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2019 07:43

“All of our problems dissolved and we have been happy since. No big fights.“

Yes, but was he an arsehole?

PregnantSea · 16/05/2019 11:34

I think I'd move out

MummyParanoia101 · 17/05/2019 18:44

My God he sounds horrific.
My DD's deadbeat father who did a runner when she was 12 months, not to be seen since and 3 years later STILL isn't interested, was a saint compared to your DH. We did everything in shifts. He did most of housework, cooking and night feeds on top of his 'shifts' with the baby and worked full time. Changing a nappy was one of the things that excited him about becoming a Dad, he thought the tiny nappies were cute! He honestly would've done everything for her if I'd sat back and let him. He even gave her her first bath and put her first nappy & babygrow on after she was born (to be fair I was totally paralysed, but he never complained).

My point is, your DH doesn't sound like he even wants to be a Daddy? I realise that's speculation but is a conclusion I've come to, based simply on what I've read on here. Wow

Flip

1 2 3