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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s a MIL one

70 replies

Llamaticdrama · 14/05/2019 13:33

Is it me or is she determine to drive a wedge between me and dh?

She worked away a lot in the beginning.. but she’s only gone and bloody retired as I fell pregnant. (Can you sense my joy already). Initially I thought that’d be lovely, the ability to return to work p/t and have a little help if I needed it.

In the beginning I missed things but since the birth I’ve clocked it more. Firstly DH got a notion and claimed “everyone” let people babysit their newborns overnight in the first weeks (no mention of how bf’ing was going to work) so they weren’t tired. He couldn’t tell me who he knew that did this but was adamant. I stood my ground and haven’t let anyone have dc overnight yet as I don’t get enough between feeds yet to pump out for an extended period.

She always moans about “the state of the place” I’m pretty sure neither of them have noticed the newborn child who feeds every two hours for an hour at a time or me with the ratty bun. There’s never more than a dish in the sink and extra baby things sitting to go upstairs but you’d think there was nappies piled to the ceiling by her reaction which plays through to him. He also expects to still maintain his hobby every night as it’s a “lifestyle” and we “won’t work” if I don’t don my Cinderella rags. His words but only after having been for lunch with MIL. Honestly I spent that day sobbing upstairs with the baby looking at flats to fuck off to for my own sanity. MIL suggested I (yes only me) got up at 5/6am when the baby feeds and do the housework then rather than sleeping for a few more hours. DH works 9am to 5pm 5days out of 7 so hardly a long hard shift at any point but he wouldn’t even be up at 6.

Finally the nail in the coffin was her suggestion of taking out the newborn for a 3hour car ride with no stops.. because they done it back then. DC was prem and is only just the weight of an average newborn.

I’m not crazy she’s madder than a hatter right?

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 14/05/2019 14:10

Yes agree with others, she can't drive a wedge between you two unless he allows her to. He's your husband and therefore he's the one that needs to sort himself out and tell her mind her own business

MummaGiles · 14/05/2019 14:12

sorry OP but the reference to your DH’s hobby being a lifestyle made me think he was a swinger

--Not helpful—

Original poster

Llamaticdrama · 14/05/2019 14:13

Jesus wept we have a spare room but I think I’d be building a patio if she came to stay. She doesn’t want to sleep here and help she wants to take our newborn 40 minutes up the road to hers to watch.

My dm comes by most nights for half an hour to let me shower or remember what it was like when I had two arms free. She also offers to help/baby sit for a few hours in the house so I can feed when needed but do what I need to in the mean time.

Leaving would be awkward, complete fresh start with nothing and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want him attempting to get custody.. he claims he can’t change a nappy or he’ll vomit. That’s it’s own battle. But I’m sure she’d ear worm her way into wanting dc overnight when he “cant manage”

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 14/05/2019 14:15

When he can change a nappy, then he gets to comment on anything else that needs doing. Until then, he can shut up and try harder to be a useful parent.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 14/05/2019 14:16

"Look at the state of the place"
"If it's not good enough, fuck off home."

""
"Nobody asked you"

Short, sharp and to the point.
Anything except support from DH - send him to his mothers.

Set the boundary now.

PS - this really is a DH problem but if he's not going to deal with it, either you have to or you have to split up.

PPS - please explain what the hobby is, you're making everyone's imagination run wild with it being 'a lifestyle!'

AryaStarkWolf · 14/05/2019 14:17

he claims he can’t change a nappy or he’ll vomit

He sounds useless and worse than you MIL tbh

Yougotdis · 14/05/2019 14:17

No you don’t leave- he leaves. He gets the fuck out and go 40 mins down the road for bitty with mummy. And if he wants to come back it’s after a conversation between you where he listens to reason not the monster in law.

Isthisafreename · 14/05/2019 14:19

When mine were tiny, dh took a couple of weeks off for each (no paternity leave then). I did nothing but establish bf, change a few nappies etc. during that time. Once he went back to work, I did have to do more during the day (mainly feed myself!). Once we had a bit of a routine going, I sometimes had dinner made, I might have dealt with the breakfast dishes, but that was about it. Dh did pretty much all the cleaning and a lot of the cooking. He recognised that he was as much a parent as me so didn't expect his life to carry on as pre-children.

Just in case anyone thinks I was completely lazy, ds1 fed constantly, so there was no time for anything else. None of them really napped for longer than 30-40 minutes so there wasn't really time to do any housework.

If my mil (or anyone else) commented on the state of the house, they would have been shown the door. Thankfully nobody was that rude.

I think my experience, more or less, is the way it should be and was common with most of my friends. You really need to have a come to jesus talk with your dh. He needs to know that you are considering moving out because of his behaviour. Focus on his behaviour, not your mil's. He doesn't have to tell you what mil says to him. He does however, need to back you up when she has a go at you.

cuppycakey · 14/05/2019 14:19

They both sound bloody awful.

Did you really have no idea DH was such a cunt before you had the baby? His fucking lifestyle???

I would tell him this interference ends or you and the baby are off. He also needs to step up and do his share of parenting. Pathetic man child.

HomeMadeMadness · 14/05/2019 14:21

You've got a DH problem. If my MiL suggested I should be getting up at 5am when I'd been up half the night with a newborn DH would have laughed her out of our house.

I would tell DH that if the relationship is going to work he's going to have to do his share. If not it's better to find out now and start planning life a single mum.

1Wildheartsease · 14/05/2019 14:22

A flat is one thing... I'd say go for a hotel stay with the baby for some days (during the week) and be looked after.

Obviously it would be cheaper if your husband was to do the additional chores and to look after you two but if his hobby must continue...

You deserve some pampering and some time off (in so far as that is possible with a new baby). No cooking - no cleaning and no listening to miserable people with false memories of their own maternity.

BertrandRussell · 14/05/2019 14:22

Ignore her. She doesn’t matter. It’s your dh that’s the problem. She could say anything to him and a proper grown up human being would ignore/laugh whatever. You need to have a proper conversation with him about his attitude. Try very hard not to mention her because that’ll give him the opportunity to go off on a “You’ve never liked my mother” rant to deflect you. He is being an arse. Don’t put up with it.

BogglesGoggles · 14/05/2019 14:23

Your DH is the problem here. You need to be explicit in telling him not to take it out on you when his mother winds him up. Might also be worth pointing out that his life hasn’t changed meanwhile you are left doing everything for your baby so what is the point in him?

Jellybeansincognito · 14/05/2019 14:23

Oh my goodness.
I think you need to be rather honest with your mil, and up front. It’ll only get worse as your child gets older.

IAmTheChosenOne · 14/05/2019 14:26

@goingonabeerhunt - not as rude as you - you initiated the exchange. you have no idea if I have cultual differences, your lack of diversity awareness and intolerance is unacceptable in the 21st century.

Mayalready · 14/05/2019 14:28

Mil once commented on my house. I stood looking her in eyes and said she was free to leave via the door anytime she liked....
Suggest to dh if mil wants to be helpful she can become friends with your iron.

But baby duties are yours and his.
And give him a list.
Or give him the boot.
Mil wants a baby to fuss over she can have hers back.
My mil had the rage because I bf. Meaning she had to hand dc back.

Her busy at the ironing board saved both of our sanity!

Original poster

Llamaticdrama · 14/05/2019 14:31

He’s definitely not a swinger and there’s no OW.. (he’s a big old nun lol surprised we have dc)

If we split it’s his house ( long before me and it needs work I couldn’t afford so he’s welcome to keep it)

The nappy things it’s own issue and I just deal with that, if it was the only thing I wouldn’t care about it.

His dm would bloody love him running to stay with her for a few weeks, she needs attention when it comes to people being around her. He’s a dopey twat when it comes to it, seriously hasn’t left the nest. She never comments on the house directly to me.. I think the time I handed her a cloth put her off me .

Before dc he was just as into his “lifestyle” but I worked 4 12hour nights a week so barely noticed it, days off I went riding .. obviously that stopped when the spd kicked my arse and till the stitches are a lot less tender I doubt I’ll be back.

I was ill a lot will pregnant and he was a saint then, never went to hospital alone and he stay out at hospital morning to night while I had to be kept in.. crazy mil demanded lunch during my induction and wasn’t happy at the hospital cafeteria suggestion (not that I could leave the grounds logically).

OP posts:

Jellybeansincognito · 14/05/2019 14:35

Wow really? You’ve really got quite the case on your hands with those 2 then.
Tbh, it’ll never get better will it? I mean, she sounds manipulative and do you really want your child to feel like that?

cuppycakey · 14/05/2019 14:35

If we split it’s his house

No. Unless you have a prenup or similar, it's a marital asset. It could be sold to provide a home for you and the baby. Obviously as DH cannot even change a nappy he won't be able to have more than 20 minutes access at a time.

So is he spending every evening on his mysterious hobby? What about weekends?

GarthFunkel · 14/05/2019 14:36

"why would I want parenting advice from you when you have raised a son who thinks it is acceptable to never change his own child's nappy, do any housework, even just hold his own baby while his wife has a shower?"

QuizzlyBear · 14/05/2019 14:38

What a pair of useless arseholes!

But right now you have a built in 'reason' that gives you carte blanche to say whatever you bloody like. Hormones!

"The state of this place!"
"Better get cleaning then, hadn't you?"

"I think DS should go overnight to my mums"
"I think you should"

"I can't change a nappy, it's disgusting"
"Glad to hear your shit doesn't stink. His does however and if I have to, you do too. Or are you not actually a parent?"

If you get shock/surprise at these comments just throw in the odd "aren't hormones crazy, it's as though I have no filter at all!" and smile VERY widely...

DarlingNikita · 14/05/2019 14:39

Your MIL is horrible and a bit nuts (demanded lunch during your induction [hmm?) but your DH is being the bigger twat. Hobby every night? Coming back spouting his mother's nonsense? Can’t change a nappy or he’ll vomit?

Tell him he needs to stop his fucking hobby, start changing nappies and stand up for you against his mother or he can fuck off.

Oh, and it's not 'helping out' on his days off; it's looking after HIS child. And why does he need to be 'told to' do his bit?

FookMeFookYou · 14/05/2019 14:41

Tell em both to fuck off

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 14/05/2019 14:42

he claims he can’t change a nappy or he’ll vomit

Oh FFS I despair. Actually you know why I despair the most is because this is about the fourth fucking thread that’s been posted along these lines in the last two days. Why do some women put up with this shit?

And it’s wont, not can’t. Of course he can, he doesn’t want to.

Please don’t have any more with him. Agree with everyone else, you have a DH problem. A massive DH problem, he’s a useless twat who has opted out of parenting.

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 14:42

crazy mil demanded lunch during my induction and wasn’t happy at the hospital cafeteria suggestion

WTF?!?! Fucking hell OP that is next level selfish of her, she should get a CF award for that!

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