Girlfriend keeps making me repeat myself it’s driving me batshit. Who’s being unreasonable?

[Flamingo1980]

Interested in your opinion. My girlfriend and I are a bit at loggerheads at the moment and I’m so so confused as to if I’m being unreasonable or not, or even just how move forward really.
We are both females, late 30’s, six months into our relationship. Recently we’ve started to disagree on the fact that she is frequently asking me to repeat myself over and over and it’s starting to drive me nuts.
She says I should be more patient and it’s because she needs ‘reassuring a lot’ over certain things but I believe that if you’ve told someone (and an adult at that) something once, then that should suffice.
Here’s an example. We visited her parents this weekend. She kept asking if I liked them as she was “worried I would tell all my friends that I didn’t like them”. I said that first of all they were perfectly lovely and so no reason to do said thing and also, I’m not a mean person, so another reason not to say it. She said “are you sure?” I said yes. She said “but are you really sure you won’t?” And I said calmly “yes” again. This went on for a while longer and eventually I left the room to take deep breaths.
Later on we saw her dad play the drums in a band. He was great, the band were a bit strange to be honest but I didn’t care as I enjoyed it and liked him.
On the way home she said “are you going to tell all your friends that you had a rubbish time and you don’t like my dad?”. This time, I answered in quite an exasperated way that AGAIN, I’m NOT the sort of person to “tell all my friends” horrid things about her parents and actually I had a nice time and admired her dad. “Are you sure?”. “Yes”. “But I’m worried you’ll tell your friends.......”
At which point I interrupted her and said “look I just can’t keep repeating myself over and over like this. I’ve told you how it is, it’s making me feel crazy to have to keep repeating myself about things I’ve said once. That should be enough.” She got very very upset and said that she thinks I should accept that she needs a lot of reassurance about things and that I need to keep reassuring her no matter how many times I have to repeat myself. I told her it’s making me feel crazy having to repeat myself to her and I really could do without it. (I have a four year old and I work with dementia patients so I have to repeat myself all day long as it is.)
That was just one example of many many others that I could bore you with but I won’t so please don’t use that particular one as the whole picture as it isn’t. I was giving it as a general idea of the structure of how these discussions go. They happen so so often, it just now seems like endless repetitive questions that I’ve answered again and again and it’s really grinding me down.

Now ladies, I’m genuinely confused. Who the eff is being unreasonable and what can I do about it??

Just need to point out, it’s definitely NOT autism. I’ve worked with autistic/Aspergeric people before and she is most definitely not this.
She’s quite traumatised from childhood by her narcissistic mother (hence the therapy and possibly the behaviour) but she isn’t autistic.

Crikey. I just hope she’s not on MN, her worst nightmare. Fact is, you are talking about her and saying she is odd. Maybe you should end it.

Tell her it's the first and last time you will repeat yourself, if she asks again you are walking. She sounds very needy tbh.

She’s quite traumatised from childhood by her narcissistic mother (hence the therapy and possibly the behaviour) but she isn’t autistic.

See, I would say that if her behaviour weren't this extreme AND manipulative, then you could work on this together. My husband and I weren't the most emotionally secure people, myself due to my childhood, him due to his ex. We grew up together, and yes, a bit of patience and reassurance did wonders.

But the patience and reassurance mainly involved asserting NORMAL behaviours and reactions to circumstances. Not reinforcing unhealthy behaviour. How do you learn normal when you practice being abnormal?

She got very very upset and said that she thinks I should accept that she needs a lot of reassurance about things and that I need to keep reassuring her no matter how many times I have to repeat myself.

Fuck that. She's find herself single very quickly if this were me.

She would drive me stark staring bonkers. It shouldn't be this hard six months in. I'd end things and hope she finds someone more suited.

This is the best advice you will get here (😂 joking but not joking) - dump her! You are six months in! Seriously, even if she has a bag of issues none of them are yours. I think she's probably just needy and manipulative myself. Everyone now throws out anxiety or some deep rooted childhood trauma - but really who gives a fuck? You have a child, a job, a life, after six months just cut the girl loose now, you deserve better.

And I GUARANTEE that if you said a man did this, included that he had issues with your friends then people here would tell you you'd see less red flags at a parade in Moscow and to run, but because it's a woman then telpis she much be anxious - fuck that! Bye bye

Do you really want to take on this problem? Do you think you can both resolve it if you do? I certainly wouldn’t feel obliged to after a relationship of six months.

Not unreasonable. She needs therapy and to not be in a relationship until she's better.

In my experience, the master plan to make you compliant is rarely conscious, which actually makes it harder to deal with.

Talking to your closest friends about new relationships is completely normal. How about instead of reassuring her that you are OK with hiding your feelings, you instead explain that of course you talk to dear old friends about how to handle difficult situations, it is what humans do, and you'd expect her to chat to her mates too. I rather suspect she has no friends, right? You are her world?

And actually I do think she's unreasonable. does she do this with everyone else? People at work etc?

Being devil's advocate, I would not necessarily assume you can 'cure' this tendency with therapy and reassurance -- a friend of a friend, who is a high-ranking professional, has spent the last twenty years phoning her back after every interaction asking whether she's offended her, or annoyed her. Apparently she does it with her husband, too.

YANBU but your gf definitely is. I cannot bear neediness. Anyone with that level of insecurity and neediness needs professional help and should stay away from destroying the lives of others relationships until they have mastered how to conduct them properly.

Given that the relationship is only 6 months in and she is already driving you nuts, I don't think there is a chance in hell of it surviving. Neediness is just so unattractive. It's as if she's like a child in terms of her needs so how can you possibly have a fulfilling romantic and sexual relationship with her?

Why spend your life having to reassure someone all the time when you could have a happy relationship as an equal with someone else? Tbh, from how you feel it sounds like it is at an end anyway.

Towel - She does have a decent amount of close friends, and I’m not her world in that sense no.
She does however go to great pains to repeatedly tell me that she never talks to them about her relationship, thinks it’s horrendous to “slag off your partner to anyone” and admires anyone who never “bitches” about their partner in any way shape or form. She’s said this to me around eight times.
Okay okay I get it you don’t want to me to talk to my friends about us at all. (I do, of course. Again I’ve got quite a strong character and don’t always unquestionably do as I’m told.....)

Unquestioningly? Unquestionably? One of those.

Prequelle: it’s hard to say but I don’t think she’s like this with anyone else no. Her job actually requires a high level of emotional sophistication and responsibility- think community lead psychiatrist type work.
Yet she’s like this with me. Sigh.

So she can control it then, she just doesn't with you. thats unfair to you. She needs to make more of an effort rather than trying to guilt you into dealing with it

Argh I hate to paint myself like this as I really have changed now and it was bloody hard work but I ran a business of my own, had staff and a great turnover when I was at my neediest!

Nobody would have believed how needy I was with partners just like they couldn't believe in a different relationship that I accepted abuse and didn't leave.

I think an element stemmed from the fact I had to be in charge and confident all the time at work and so the relationship at the time was my outlet for reassurance and pats on the back etc.

Now I see again how totally unfair it was and like I say have worked super hard to change it and not make it my default.

You being her entire source of reassurance will not help her, it will be a kindness to end things as she will have a motive to change if she sabotages relationships like this.

If someone had indulged my neediness I'd be in codependent and insular relationship with them and not kickass with healthy boundaries

Self fulfilling prophecy. She will eventually drive you away with her needy-ness (that’s not going to improve) then she’ll say it’s because you didn’t love her/she wasn’t good enough/her parents were weird etc.

I’d honestly cut your losses now and walk.

Curly girl that’s a fascinating perspective and makes total sense. She’s in a really demanding and responsible job yet I’ve seen her lost and broken child side which she’s still carrying around so of course she’s going to indulge that side onto me as she can’t do it with anyone else. Her mother was truly horrific to her.
Another reason for her to go back to therapy....

You already have a lot on your plate and you shouldn’t have to be ‘rescuing’ her. At only six months in this is a lot.

I don’t like the ‘I’m only like this because I love you’ she isn’t taking responsibility for her own emotions and relying on you to stabilise them for her.

I think it’s time for a frank chat because you do not need a needy and unstable person around your son.

Cottonwoolmouth - that’s the thing. It’s because I already have so much going on in my life that I already feel like I just don’t have the emotional reserves to indulge this for too much longer. If I was childless and had an easy job I might be able to cope with it better but I honestly don’t have it in me at the moment (or possibly ever). Hence me coming on here to see what the consensus is before I make any decisions.
I do love her, and there’s a lot of positive things about our relationship which I do like, and so I haven’t rushed to chuck in the towel just yet. But this is a big problem obviously.

It’s hard when you meet some one you really like but you have to be careful to avoid sunk cost fallacy. I’ve continued so many relationships because of this when really I shouldn’t have.

No body is perfect but we have to see if we can live with those imperfections with out it having a big impact on our lives and emotional well being.

However I can totally see this veering off to ‘are you sure you don’t fancy her, do you think she is nicer looking than me, are you sure, are you sure?

You’ve already said you had to leave the room once.

How would you feel if she was needy over something that concerned your son. Would you be able to still cajole and support her or do you think your patience would snap.

My yard stick was dd1(single parent for a quite a while) If one of my ex’s did something that impacted dd in anyway I’d instantly lose attraction or respect for them as she was my sole priority.

I think you need some one that’s in a more stable frame of mind.

It does sound like there may be reasons for her behaviour, but that is not the same thing as an excuse. What she is doing is manipulative- she is trying to control your behaviour/what you do and do not say to your friends etc in order to prop up her insecurities. And using emotional blackmail in order to try and get you to do what she wants, without a second thought for how it makes you feel. She is trying to transfer all of the responsibility for her feelings onto you, to make you change your behaviour to meet her needs rather than acknowledging and taking ownership of her feelings. That is not a healthy relationship for either of you, and could quite easily tip over into a controlling or emotionally abusive one.

Another point I would make is this- you have a child who will be watching and learning about relationships. Nobody and no relationship is perfect, of course, but is this the kind of relationship you want your child to think is normal?

Just googled “sunk cost fallacy” - you learn a new thing every day!
She’s fine with my child, that’s not a concern and I obviously would do something about it quickly if it was. Or would have mentioned it on here. That’s certainly not the issue.