Girlfriend keeps making me repeat myself it’s driving me batshit. Who’s being unreasonable?

[Flamingo1980]

Interested in your opinion. My girlfriend and I are a bit at loggerheads at the moment and I’m so so confused as to if I’m being unreasonable or not, or even just how move forward really.
We are both females, late 30’s, six months into our relationship. Recently we’ve started to disagree on the fact that she is frequently asking me to repeat myself over and over and it’s starting to drive me nuts.
She says I should be more patient and it’s because she needs ‘reassuring a lot’ over certain things but I believe that if you’ve told someone (and an adult at that) something once, then that should suffice.
Here’s an example. We visited her parents this weekend. She kept asking if I liked them as she was “worried I would tell all my friends that I didn’t like them”. I said that first of all they were perfectly lovely and so no reason to do said thing and also, I’m not a mean person, so another reason not to say it. She said “are you sure?” I said yes. She said “but are you really sure you won’t?” And I said calmly “yes” again. This went on for a while longer and eventually I left the room to take deep breaths.
Later on we saw her dad play the drums in a band. He was great, the band were a bit strange to be honest but I didn’t care as I enjoyed it and liked him.
On the way home she said “are you going to tell all your friends that you had a rubbish time and you don’t like my dad?”. This time, I answered in quite an exasperated way that AGAIN, I’m NOT the sort of person to “tell all my friends” horrid things about her parents and actually I had a nice time and admired her dad. “Are you sure?”. “Yes”. “But I’m worried you’ll tell your friends.......”
At which point I interrupted her and said “look I just can’t keep repeating myself over and over like this. I’ve told you how it is, it’s making me feel crazy to have to keep repeating myself about things I’ve said once. That should be enough.” She got very very upset and said that she thinks I should accept that she needs a lot of reassurance about things and that I need to keep reassuring her no matter how many times I have to repeat myself. I told her it’s making me feel crazy having to repeat myself to her and I really could do without it. (I have a four year old and I work with dementia patients so I have to repeat myself all day long as it is.)
That was just one example of many many others that I could bore you with but I won’t so please don’t use that particular one as the whole picture as it isn’t. I was giving it as a general idea of the structure of how these discussions go. They happen so so often, it just now seems like endless repetitive questions that I’ve answered again and again and it’s really grinding me down.

Now ladies, I’m genuinely confused. Who the eff is being unreasonable and what can I do about it??

Girlfriend keeps making me repeat myself it’s driving me batshit.

she is frequently asking me to repeat myself over and over and it’s starting to drive me nuts

it just now seems like endless repetitive questions that I’ve answered again and again and it’s really grinding me down.

I just can’t keep repeating myself over and over like this. I’ve told you how it is, it’s making me feel crazy

she needs a lot of reassurance about things and that I need to keep reassuring her no matter how many times I have to repeat myself.

She needs constant reassurance and I need to not repeat myself!!

Soooo....I'm getting the sense that you find yourself repeating things a lot. Do you find that frustrating?

More seriously OP, I'm not sure your lack of concision is entirely caused by your girlfriend.

I too was struck by her saying that she isn't normally like this and it's just because she loves you so much.

I don't think either of those things are true. I bet she has been like this to a greater or lesser degree in ALL her relationships and it is not because she somehow loves you so much that it causes this weird, out of character behaviour in her.

(I'm not saying she doesn't love you, only that it is not the reason for the constant questions)

It is always a bad sign when someone explains away behaviour that makes you frustrated, angry, sad or manipulated as something they only do "because they love you so much".

Fluoxetine or Citalopram can help with this sort of ocd/anxiety.

You could explain to her gently that you are not her mental health practioner, and it is unfair of her to act as if you are. She needs to understand that the constant need for reassurance is her issue to solve. No matter how many times you reassure her it won’t be enough until she deals with her anxiety.

I’m always impressed by the insightful replies on here. You’ve informed me of things I would have never considered for which I’m very grateful for. There seems to be a mix of “don’t indulge it” and “be patient and reassure” but I’d say it’s definitely leaning on the “don’t indulge it” (it’s her issue) side which I actually do tend to agree with.
I’d love to be resilient enough to be the sort of person who is endlessly patient and reassuring but I’m not. Especially combined with my job and child. I’m always telling her I’d like an “adult - adult” relationship but this is really starting to not be that at all.
I also agree with those suspicious of the “I do it as I love you” excuse. I too got red flags regarding that as it didn’t make a lot of sense. I love her too but I don’t constantly bombard her like this.
I’ll suggest the CBT etc to her, and remind her again that I’m struggling with it and see what she says..

Would really recommend cbt it sounds as if she's really struggling

Could she possibly be suffering from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)?

Me and my sister both have it, and for her, it has always meant asking the same question over and over in a pattern, for her anxiety to ease.
E.g she would ask if she had touched you when she walked past (despite being a metre away) in the following sort of sense.

Did you touch me when i walked past? "No". So you didn't touch me? "No" You're sure you didn't touch me? "No" So you absolutely didn't touch me? "No".

Sometimes she could ask 10 times each time worded either exactly the same, or possibly slightly differently, until it just felt "safe" to her that she was sure you hadn't touched her, or whatever it was she was asking about.

It's extreme, but thats exactly how it seems to be with your girlfriend.

I think a few of the comments on here are a bit unkind. This sounds like it could be an anxiety disorder. People with anxiety often seek constant reassurance. Maybe you can speak to her about this possibility or do a bit of research together. She may be unaware of the possibility.
Then consider seeing a doctor if you feel it’s impacting on her / your life as she may benefit from CBT / talking therapies or even medication. Psychological therapies are usually the first step if it is anxiety.

"We both clearly have different needs. She needs constant reassurance and I need to not repeat myself!!"

I've been thinking about this some more, and if it were me, my need actually would be 'to be believed', rather than about the repetition.

Just to compare, if your gf were partially deaf, I suspect you'd gladly repeat yourself and learn to stand in the right place so she could lip read / speak clearly or whatever was needed so she could hear and understand you easily.

For me it would be the not being 'heard' in a deeper sense / not being believed that would be the issue.

Agree with @milktwosugarsthanks. It's a huge red flag. She's trying to make it out that loving you (ie you) is responsible for her anxiety. If this was a man we'd all be warning you to look out for jealousy next - blamed on this 'love'. Then attempts to isolate- I love you so much you don't need anyone else etc. I've never been like this before usually translates into I've always done this, but won't admit it.

Do you think she is ready to be in a stable, healthy relationship?
It sounds like a lot of work, especially so early in.

Your gf ---- drama kween 👑

I really think you need to sit down with her and tell her straight that this issue is driving a wedge between you. It would be awful if you finished with her without giving her a chance to change. She obviously has issues but if you like the rest of her, do give her a chance to stop otherwise she will be devastated if it comes out of the blue.

Make sure she realises the seriousness of the issue and stops this nonsense about how you should put up with it! Yes she may need more therapy, who knows, that's for her to sort out.

Sadik I agree with you. It does feel frustrating to have the feeling of not being believed and so maybe even that the problem lies with me.
I try not to take it too personally but it does grate a bit that it could be implied that I’m not credible or that I’m the sort of person who is mean or untrustworthy.
I’ve done a LOT of soul searching since this has happened and I’ve not done anything to mitigate this as far as I can tell. (As in I’ve not messed her about, or been unreliable etc)

Hey OP

I am also in a same sex relationship with a girl - I know its highly irrelevant but our situations sound similar only I am the one who was insecure.

I used to doubt my gf a lot at the start but as puppet said, once that initial insecurity left (about 12 months in) everything is much easier.

Maybe try talking to her, has she been cheated on or betrayed before?

BTW I suffer terribly with anxiety, so this may also be the case for your GF

I agree with PP that the 'assurances' the OP is being asked to repeat are actually very insulting - I mean, I would feel outright accused if my husband were asking me if I would bitch about his parents to my friends.

I mean, I gripe about them, obviously, but the idea that I would ridicule them to someone actually seems like a really vindictive thing to think of the person you love. My parents are mad as a box of frogs, and I would find it revolting if my husband thought BADLY of them for it, AND thought it was acceptable to mock them to his friends. She's basically accusing you of being a horrible person - not a very loving thing to do, especially repeatedly.

In the past I was probably like her with one of my partners - I knew it was pushing him away but couldn't seem to physically stop myself doing it. We split up, I went to therapy for a whole bundle of reasons and have worked on myself...... Now a good few years on I don't behave that way and see that I was actually quite manipulative, making someone else responsible for my own confidence and guilt tripping them if they didn't respond how I wanted. Part my immaturity, part due to my past issues but all of it not his burden to bear

This is the best advice I have seen on here. She may well have anxiety problems, but if that is the case then she needs to seek help to address them, not lay it all at your feet to fix. That is actually quite manipulative (although probably totally unconsciously done- maybe just seeking to get her emotional needs met). And what about your emotional needs? I was with a partner who was quite insecure and eventually I started doubting myself sometimes- had I done or said anything to cause this? It made lots of situations fraught when they should have been enjoyable and actually I think he became quite controlling and selfish- I do believe his anxiety was what caused it rather than a desire to be abusive though. I couldn't continue like that and I ended the relationship.

You could spend years being calm and reassuring, but it may never be enough. She may get better, but what if she doesn't? At what point do you say she's not going to get better if you are just reassuring enough- 6 months, a year, 2 years, 5 years?

I would also say that her complete lack of acknowledgement of your feelings is a concern- she has explained why she needs the reassurance but doesn't seem to place any weight on your needs, expecting you to just simply put up with behaviour you find difficult to accept and just get on with it. No acknowledgement that she needs to make changes/work on her anxiety etc. That is pretty self-centred.

I would also say her comment that she 'isn't normally like this" would concern me- it doesn't ring true because I doubt that she could be so extreme now with no history at all. I suspect she like this to some degree with all relationships (romantic and friendships) and either doesn't want to face up to it or doesn't realise it. Both would be an issue for me.

Personally, in your position I would be having a serious talk with her and asking her to get some help to deal with her anxiety and insecurity. If she won't seek help, then I would end the relationship as nothing will change. If she is getting help I would put up with it, but if no progress in say another 4-6 months, then I'd be reappraising the situation and would probably end it. But if there was escalation of the manipulative behaviour then I think it would be the death knell on the relationship.

When I was the needy one constantly needing assurance my boyfriend at the time put it really well: "every time you ask again, you are effectively calling me a liar"

It stuck with me, maybe say that to your girlfriend?

But it's highly compulsive behaviour and I only stopped behaving that way through a mix of meds and counselling.

It isn't your job to "fix" her and it's impossible as she (like I used to) needs a bottomless pit of reassurance - nothing is enough until she works on herself.

It's not fair to emotionally drain you so I would step away.

Thecats: Thank you. It feels good to be backed up on this as it did make me feel that she was implying that I was the sort of person who would think nothing of unnecessarily slating her parents when it didn’t even cross my mind. In fact I raved about her dad (to her) especially as I thought he was great.

Thanks @jacks11 I really appreciate that - it's hard to admit to having been quite (actually very) manipulative out loud / in writing but it's done me the world of good in the long run and I'm not anymore, it was definitely worth the short term difficulty x

I'm afraid I couldnt stand it and any partner of mine who did this would be an ex partner pretty quick.

Not only are the assurances insulting, they’re unfair. You are allowed to not like someone/something someone does and she is putting you in a situation where you will feel guilty for talking to your friends and family about it, IF there’s ever something that happens that you need advice about/to vent about.

I get the anxiety, I really do, but to me this smacks of trying to dictate your feelings to protect her own. What would happen if you reframed to her? Ie she asks if you like them so you ask her why it matters what you think. She asks you if you’ll talk to her friends, you ask her why you’re not allowed to talk to your friends. If it is anxiety, hopefully this will be enough to get her to see things from your POV.

I don’t know. I must be getting cynical. I didn’t read the situation in the same way as PPs at all. It’s not like she’s just asking OP to repeat what’s for dinner because she hasn’t heard, she’s asking for constant promises to behave how she wants you to.

Ubbeaponytail: That is some sort of Olympic level of perceptive skills you possess there. I have deep down suspected for a while now that she’s trying to make me promise to behave in a way she wants me to, and actually because I’m quite a strong character and won’t be manipulated she’s so far failed, but her behaviour is increasing.
Especially regarding the issue about me “talking to my friends”. She’s obsessed with this. She knows I have quite a tight friendship group with a lot of highly emotionally intelligent people in there and I suspect she’s quite threatened by them and or by me talking with them. Consequently she often implies that it’s somehow a betrayal of our relationship if I were to so much as utter anything to them about us.

It's sounds like autism to me. My childhood best friend and I grew up together and his little sister would constantly ask the same questions over and over for re-assurance. Fast forward 20 odd years and I started to date this guy who (and briefly another one) texted/phoned constantly because he needed to be constantly re-assured. He would ask the same things again and again and he didn't actually know at the time so I didn't like to say but I heard back that he'd been diagnosed a few years after when I bumped into him. Nice bloke, too needy for me though. But hopefully knowing would allow him to work on things like that in future.

I think it's something you would have seen from the start of your relationship if it was that though...

That curly girl- I like that expression, as it does feel like that! I might try to use it, although I’m now wondering if it’s part of a master plan to over all manipulate me into behaving a certain way. I don’t know. There’s a lot of things to consider now but I certainly feel more enlightened than I did yesterday...