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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teacher yanked DS

92 replies

bratzilla · 13/05/2019 19:33

Picked DS up from the school office as he’s part of a small group getting extra help with phonics after school. I was the only parent in the office and stood less than 2m away from DS, he took a few steps and said “hello mu...” when she got him by the shoulders of his coat with both hands, pulled him back and said “don’t go until I say”. He was stood slightly in front of the other 5 so I approached him iyswim.

I don’t know if I’m being precious but I’m really annoyed about it.

OP posts:

Catchingbentcoppers · 13/05/2019 20:49

If she really 'yanked' him as you say, you would surely have said something at the time? Please don't say you were too 'shocked' to say something as I believe if you think someone is hurting or manhandling your child inappropriately, it's instinct to react immediately.

Original poster

bratzilla · 13/05/2019 20:49

I was surprised, she also had 5 children with her so it would’ve been awkward to argue it then. DS wasn’t hurt but it was forceful. I won’t say anything as she’s only covering for his teacher anyway but please don’t say things like “she hardly yanked him” when you weren’t there and she did, that’s why I’ve posted.

OP posts:

darkskyclearing · 13/05/2019 20:53

I wouldn't like this.

donquixotedelamancha · 13/05/2019 20:55

In the UK you ARE allowed to touch a child if it is for their own safety.

There are no laws preventing touching a child on their shoulders at all.

You are allowed to physically restrain a child in several reasonable situations, not just for their safety, but that's not relevant to this.

he’s part of a small group getting extra help with phonics after school.

Just curious OP, you know the teacher isn't paid for this time?

Herland · 13/05/2019 20:59

OP - you aren't allowed to criticise teachers on mumsnet. It's the law! I'll save you time -
You -teacher yanked my son
Everyone else - you're lying, you're precious, you're unreasonable, You're that mum, etc etc etc.

FWIW, I wouldn't be happy with a teacher laying her hands on my child unless he was about to step out in front of a car. As soon as a child's parent is in the room the teacher loses their in loco parentis responsibilities and the parent steps up.

BlueGlassesFrames · 13/05/2019 21:00

You ask us if you're being precious, then when people respond based on your description (and no, it doesn't sound like she yanked him) you say not say that because we weren't there, you can have it one way or the other but not both.

Herland · 13/05/2019 21:02

Just curious OP, you know the teacher isn't paid for this time?

How is this relevant? If they aren't getting paid does it increase their right to physically manhandle children?

How the hell do you know what the specifics are of whether or not this teacher was being paid?

Herland · 13/05/2019 21:06

There's a difference between not agreeing with someone's actions/feelings about an event and completely dismissing that the event took place. If the OP saw the teacher yank then the teacher bloody yanked - and you literally can't say that it didn't happen.

Honestly - the beatification of teachers on here is worrying. Some teachers are total arseholes. Just like some nurses are and just like some bin men are and just like some people who work in McDonald's are.

ballsdeep · 13/05/2019 21:15

No it wouldn't have been awkward. You could have stayed and talked to her later. Honest to god. If she'd let your precious child go that would have been wrong

MRex · 13/05/2019 21:24

It doesn't sound like he was hurt, nor inconvenienced, nor like she did it for any reason except to remind him that they wait to be told they can go. So YABVU.

MsRabbitRocks · 13/05/2019 21:31

OP - you aren't allowed to criticise teachers on mumsnet. It's the law! I'll save you time -

Bingo!

SoWhyDontYouKillMe · 13/05/2019 21:37

I’m glad teachers are allowed to touch children. My PFB starts school in August. She’ll only be four and a half. I was so worried about it. What if she falls over and they can’t even give her a cuddle to reassure her.

She went for her first visit today and the P1 teacher was amazing. She had one crying little girl on her knee for a story. I instantly felt better about it all. I don’t want it to be cold and hands-off. I want it to be warm and nurturing and comforting

SoWhyDontYouKillMe · 13/05/2019 21:37

Sorry I realise that was slightly OT but I’ve been mulling

FryTime · 13/05/2019 21:37

If you were sure he was "yanked" so awfully at the time, you WOULD have said something there and then, it would have been instinctive. But you have come home and had a little think and decided to come on here and post in AIBU and ask people their opinion. Most people have said YABU from what you have said, now you are arguing that we weren't there and can't judge. Well, no, you are right, we weren't there, so if you are so sure he was yanked and not just stopped then you don't need our opinions.... Why on earth are you on here asking us if you know we can't say...?!

LolaSmiles · 13/05/2019 21:41

OP
If you feel she yanked him then there is no grey area to post here. A member of staff has applied force and surely the sensible thing to do would be to have raised it then by asking for a quick word or asked whoever was on reception for an appointment. The fact you can't make your mind up and are now saying you'll let it slide suggests it's probably a non-issue based on your own descriptions.

OP - you aren't allowed to criticise teachers on mumsnet. It's the law!
Bingo and yawn.
I'm a teacher. If a saw a member of staff use force on my child then I would have challenged it then and would certainly have followed it up.

The fact the OP doesn't seem clear and is asking what people think suggests that it's a much of nothing. Otherwise with a second member of staff also witnessing the situation it would be a clear case of 'report to school through appropriate channels'.

Original poster

bratzilla · 13/05/2019 21:59

I’ve accepted I can’t say anything now, I just don’t accept people saying he wasn’t yanked when he was. It’s a shame if teachers aren’t paid for the extra time but unfortunately he can’t be tested for dyspraxia until next year and needs help before the phonics test. This isn’t a teacher bashing thread, he’s had 3 teachers, 2 TA’s and 4 nursery staff since starting there and all have been great! When there are a small number of children being collected from the office they aren’t really dismissed normally, teacher just says hello to us and bye to the child.

OP posts:

Herland · 13/05/2019 22:00

I don't care if you find it tiresome- it's true. Not a single thread about teachers' behaviour gets posted without the OP getting an absolute pasting. It's as though parents aren't allowed to be concerned about the behaviour or actions of the person that their child spends most of their waking time with. Had OP posted that she saw her husband yanking her child by the scruff of his clothes the responses would have been different.

And there is clearly a massive difference between giving an upset child a hug and yanking a child back because they didn't get your permission to approach a nearby parent.

professorpecked · 13/05/2019 22:09

I'm a teacher. I think it's unnecessarily controlling behaviour. He wasn't attempting to leave - he was moving forward to say hello to his Mum. With a small group of 5 the teacher should have been able to use her voice to direct them.
The salary argument is irrelevant and is not the op's concern.

mineofuselessinformation · 13/05/2019 22:14

I notice that so far you haven't responded to my post at 20.49, OP.
For me, that's the key issue.

angstridden2 · 13/05/2019 22:15

I am so glad I’m retired from teaching.....no wonder teachers are leaving in droves.

LolaSmiles · 13/05/2019 22:19

bratzilla
If you think he was yanked then you should have said something then, or you could have mentioned it to the receptionist that you'd like an appointment, or there is nothing to ask on this thread because your DC was yanked and surely the only sensible response to being yanked back by a teacher is to report it to the school and you'll be doing that first thing in the morning.

Herland
Of course people can challenge school staff. It's just most reasonable people would say that if you can't be unsure if it's worth raising one minute and asking opinions, then later say it's obviously a yank and nobody can comment because they weren't there, and then it's a big enough issue to be classed as a yank for sure, but actually because of who it is then perhaps it's not worth raising etc then that doesn't sound like an issue.

If a child has been yanked, especially with another member of staff witnessing it, then that needs reporting. If someone isn't really sure and then decides they aren't reporting it then the logical conclusion is that it was probably a non-issue.

MsRabbitRocks · 13/05/2019 22:28

I don't care if you find it tiresome- it's true.

No, it’s just your interpretation/opinion

Not a single thread about teachers' behaviour gets posted without the OP getting an absolute pasting.

Nope, it’s usually a mixture of posters frothing at the mouth encouraging complaining to OFSTED or posters advising to find out a bit more information first and then deal accordingly, in a reasonable fashion.

It's as though parents aren't allowed to be concerned about the behaviour or actions of the person that their child spends most of their waking time with.
Parents don’t always get it right. Teachers don’t always get it right. Children don’t always get it right. But having a default switch of complain complain complain never helped anyone.

Had OP posted that she saw her husband yanking her child by the scruff of his clothes the responses would have been different.

Nope, not by me anyway. I would have also asked the same questions as posters did here, first.

Projecting past issues onto any thread vaguely to do with ‘teachers’ is never constructive. Always take every scenario differently. When it is clear cut, you will see posters all telling the OP to complain and helpful advice to do so effectively. Want me to find one for you?

Original poster

bratzilla · 13/05/2019 22:36

mine I said his head and neck moved back. To clarify, she didn’t put her hands on his shoulders or hold his coat to stop him she yanked/pulled him back by it.

The receptionist didn’t see, the reception area is sectioned off apart from an exit and the desk area, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

bratzilla · 13/05/2019 22:38

As in it has a 4ft screen around most it.

OP posts:

ShawshanksRedemption · 13/05/2019 22:46

But @Herland it wasn't the scruff of the neck, which is different. Let's stick to what it was : "she got him by the shoulders of his coat with both hands, pulled him back", which the OP describes in the title as a yank.

OP if it was a yank (ie pulled with a jerking movement, which means he would've been grabbed), then I would not be happy with that in the context you gave (he was not in danger). If she wanted your DS to remember to check with her first before leaving, she should have reminded him (and you) of that.

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