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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my DH has missed the point of marriage?

60 replies

Merchant · 13/05/2019 14:22

Prepared to be told I’m wrong here but today my DH told me that I’m not the centre of his universe. Shouldn’t I though? Surely married people should be the centre of each other’s universes (along with the kids) with friends and extended family in the universe but circling round the edges. Am I taking his comment too seriously? It comes off the back of a crap couple of years where he’s told me he loves me but he’s not in love with me. So now I’m not the centre of his universe either. If your spouse isn’t at the centre of your universe then what’s the point of being married?!!? What does everyone else think?

OP posts:

user87382294757 · 13/05/2019 14:28

It depends how you define it really. Maybe he means he doesn't revolve around you and has his own life? Not being co-dependant. He sounds honest and not just saying what you want to hear, which may be a good trait.

RagingWhoreBag · 13/05/2019 14:29

The ‘centre of his universe’ thing is a bit dramatic - although I know what you mean, I want to be central to my DP’d life and if he said that I wasn’t I’d definitely feel a bit crappy.

However it’s the other thing that sounds more worrying. A couple of years of “I love you but I’m not IN love with you” is bound to shake you. That’s the part you need to focus on because the universe thing is a matter of semantics, whereas your issue with him is actually much bigger.

FWIW I have a very small circle and my DP is totally at the centre of it. For DP, he has a wider circle and - although he says I’m central to it (along with his DCs) - I don’t feel it’s the same way for him. I have said before that I totally ‘belong’ to him but he belongs to the people!

IAmTheChosenOne · 13/05/2019 14:29

he’s told me he loves me but he’s not in love with me.

Why are you still there?

Alsohuman · 13/05/2019 14:30

To be honest, mine isn’t the centre of my universe either!

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/05/2019 14:30

I think I'm close to the centre but I actually don't want to be the centre of anyone's universe. He definitely loves me though.

DonPablo · 13/05/2019 14:30

Wow, he's a catch isn't he?

user87382294757 · 13/05/2019 14:31

Also I think the 'being in love' 'loved' up romantic feeling can fade with time and be replaced by another feeling of loving you. Difficult to describe but I think I know where he is coming from a bit.

Being married is about more than romantic love that is for sure. It's about trust, honestly, having your back. being good friends as well.

BaronessBomburst · 13/05/2019 14:32

I love my DH to bits and we've been married 21 years, but he's not the centre of my universe. Neither is my DS. I'm not sure it would be healthy to be utterly devoted to or revolving around one person.
He's my partner and my team mate.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/05/2019 14:32

How did that revelation even come up? I would say my family are the centre of my universe 100%

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/05/2019 14:34

I don't know; there's a level of openness and honesty there. But the "not in love with you" that preceded it doesn't sound good. How are you both moving forward now that he's announced he's not in love, are things just staying the same for the sake of the DC? It's difficult to judge over a few short sentences because the "centre of the universe" on it's own isn't terrible. Coupled with a bad patch in a marriage, it becomes something more concerning.

How do you feel about him? Is he the centre of your universe? Are you in love with him?

Stompythedinosaur · 13/05/2019 14:34

I love my dp but I wouldn't say he was the centre of my universe.

HBStowe · 13/05/2019 14:37

That combined with his comments about not being in love with you don’t paint a good picture - he sounds like an asshole.

FunkyKingston · 13/05/2019 14:37

The idea of being thr centre of someone's universe sounds a bit needy and suffocating to me.

mojitoclock · 13/05/2019 14:38

Of course your DH or DW should be the centre of your universe!” If not, why aren’t you with someone else? This makes no sense.

mojitoclock · 13/05/2019 14:40

Also I think he’s being very cruel to you. I’m so sorry OP.

pallisers · 13/05/2019 14:42

it depends on what you mean by it - if you mean the sole focus of your thoughts and dreams and emotions, then I don't think anyone should be the centre of your universe. But if you mean the most important thing in his life, the clear priority - then I can't say I'd be thrilled to be with someone who wasn't in love with me and didn't think of me as his priority.

My dh and kids are at the centre of my life - and I am at the centre of dh's. We are the most important relationship we have. What does your dh say IS the centre of his universe if it isn't you?

pigsDOfly · 13/05/2019 14:42

I'm not even sure what it would mean to see someone as the centre of one's universe. However, I think telling someone you're supposed to love that they're not the centre of your universe is spiteful and unnecessary.

My exh's mother once told me that a mother will always be the centre of her children's universe. It was said to put me in my place and let me know that I was less important to my, then, husband than she was.

Two sides of the same coin.

daisyjgrey · 13/05/2019 14:45

I'd be more concerned with the 'love you but not in love with you' part. My husband said that to me and it resulted in another few miserable years and now he's an ex. I'm 5 years into a relationship with a wonderful man.

As far as the universe bit, I'm not sure anyone should be the centre of your universe, other than yourself. You are the centre, everyone else orbits it, with varying proximity.

In short, get out of the relationship with someone who isn't in love with you, make your world your own then find someone who'll fit into your world the way they fit into yours.

Plipplopbop · 13/05/2019 14:46

Personally I'd be more worried about the,' love you but not in love with you' comment.
No my DH and I are not the centre of each others universe but by God we are deeply in love. If he wasn't he could f off.

fruitbrewhaha · 13/05/2019 14:47

I'm at the centre of my universe.

Is that all he meant?

5foot5 · 13/05/2019 14:49

It might just be that you have different ways of expressing roughly the same thing.

The "loves me but he’s not in love with me" comment - could that just mean that you are past the romantic, fancy each other like crazy part of love and are at the solid, more permanent stage of loving someone?

And I am confused by what you mean about being the "centre of his universe." Do you mean you want his whole life to revolve around you with no interests in anything else? It all sounds a bit claustrophobic. Maybe you don't mean it like that but he thinks you do?

Drogosnextwife · 13/05/2019 14:51

I would be more upset about the not being in love with you comment.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/05/2019 14:51

I wouldn't want to be the centre of anyones universe, such a massive responsibility, how can anyone ever live up to that.

To be fair the not in love with you comment is worse, he's basically saying he loves you like a sister, so for that alone I wouldn't be staying with him.

anyoldvic · 13/05/2019 14:52

Saying he's not in love with you implies he doesn't fancy you any more, which is not very encouraging.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2019 14:53

Why were you having that conversation?

DH and I are very happy but I'd never ask him if I was the centre of his universe. I think he'd laugh at me if I did. But he is in love with me. he’s told me he loves me but he’s not in love with me would have me thinking affair.

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