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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my DH has missed the point of marriage?

60 replies

Merchant · 13/05/2019 14:22

Prepared to be told I’m wrong here but today my DH told me that I’m not the centre of his universe. Shouldn’t I though? Surely married people should be the centre of each other’s universes (along with the kids) with friends and extended family in the universe but circling round the edges. Am I taking his comment too seriously? It comes off the back of a crap couple of years where he’s told me he loves me but he’s not in love with me. So now I’m not the centre of his universe either. If your spouse isn’t at the centre of your universe then what’s the point of being married?!!? What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
JonSnowsFurCoat · 13/05/2019 14:57

You should really be focusing more on the ‘love you but not in love with you’ comment. Actually, that comment coupled with ‘not the centre of my universe’ sounds a bit liked he’s checked out, or checking out at least.

I love dh. I love my dc more than anything in the world. They are my life but centre of my universe sounds a bit too much for me. I have other family, good friends, hobby’s, work. Other things that are a big part of my life also.

ittakes2 · 13/05/2019 14:57

I'm sorry but that fits right in line with your comment...he’s told me he loves me but he’s not in love with me. YANBU

HennyPennyHorror · 13/05/2019 15:00

I do believe that your life partner should be the main focus of your relationships with other people.

And for me, my DH and children are...not in that order...but my work is probably more forward to me than my DH is. It consumes much more of my thinking...as do my kids.

If your DH has said he's not in love with you I think that's your main issue here. You're focusing on the wrong thing....

Walkaround · 13/05/2019 15:03

Well, if he "loves" you but is not "in love" with you, then it stands to reason you are not the centre of his universe - you're just one of the people he loves. So he's not telling you anything new, really, is he? Plus, it's a bit weird to be talking about whether or not someone is the centre of your universe - it sounds a bit creepy and obsessive and more extreme than, eg, being the most important person in someone's life.

TemporaryPermanent · 13/05/2019 15:03

How is he behaving?

If he's apt to overanalyse verbally and 'think aloud' without considering the impact on you, that's not great. But if he's beside you as a team player in the relationship and the family, that might make up for it.

I get the feeling that may not be the case. If so,.I would say to him to stop giving you regular updates on his navel fluff and act like a partner to you.

yearinyearout · 13/05/2019 15:08

What does "in love" mean exactly? How does it differ from loving someone?

mojitoclock · 13/05/2019 15:09

But surely “centre if my universe” means “most important person in my universe” - if nothing else? The person you gravitate to; your reason to keep going when all else seems to fall apart; your rock; the one you wouid go beyond for.

If your wife it husband is not that person, then who is? The nextdoor neighbour? The cat?

I don’t understand how you could stay married if ultimately, your energies and focus were somewhere else?

Or maybe he means he’s in love with himself? I have to say, it doesn’t bode well. I’m sure you could do much better if you cut him loose OP - he might find his universe is an empty place.

BlueSkiesLies · 13/05/2019 15:13

Actually for many married men, I suspect they are the centre of their own universe. At least he is just being honest 😂

MitziK · 13/05/2019 15:15

It sounds a harsh thing to say, but entirely in keeping with the 'love you but not in love with you' comment. Something to keep you in your place, perhaps?

I know I am to DP. There wouldn't be much point in being together if he wasn't mine - or worse, I wasn't his (but we don't have kids, who would be otherwise).

StreetDreams · 13/05/2019 15:22

I don't think the choice of words is that worrying in itself, especially if he's blunt or scrupulously honest in how he normally expresses himself. But taken together, and over an extended timeframe, it does smack of trying to knock you down. I would certainly be wanting some reassurance in whatever form of words he prefers that his relationship with you is absolutely a priority, and if he can't give that then I think I'd be questioning his commitment - and your own in short order!

Walkaround · 13/05/2019 15:23

To me, "centre of my universe" means my whole purpose for living, without which I would cease to see any point in life. It's totally OTT. I would be devastated and heartbroken if my dh died, but I like to think I would not immediately commit suicide because my life had become completely pointless without him. That said, if my dh told me he loved me but was not in love with me, I would know he had just become a companion who on balance found it easier to hang around with me then leave me, which is frankly a bit crap and unlikely to last the course.

Walkaround · 13/05/2019 15:24

(than not then).

justarandomtricycle · 13/05/2019 15:26

The intent of such a comment depends a bit on the context.

If the conversation is "why didn't you tell me you spoke to a woman at work today" that's one thing, and if it's "shall we go away to Paris for the weekend" it's quite another.

Either way, it's not good, I mean he probably decided the opposite of that when he married you?

adaline · 13/05/2019 15:26

I wouldn't want to be the centre of anyone's universe! I find that quite a claustrophobic concept to be quite honest.

I love my DH but he's certainly not the centre of my world, nor am I his.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/05/2019 15:27

What does "in love" mean exactly? How does it differ from loving someone?

I would say it means that you're not attracted to that person or view them in a romantic love sort of a way?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/05/2019 15:47

What a charmer! So what is the "Centre of his Universe then?"
Does he still expect to be the centre of yours?
I get what people are saying about how its a lot of pressure etc.. but ultimately It's a mean comment to make to your spouse and the mother of your children. I would interpret that as someone saying "You are just not that important to me." He sounds like a stroppy teenager.
If you couple that with I love you but I'm not in love with you, that is not very encouraging, So Sorry OP I think it amounts to a crap attitude. Is there someone you could talk to about this in real life? and then maybe drag him along so you can find out what he really means by all this.

Sculpin · 13/05/2019 15:50

Personally I'd be more worried about the "he loves me but he’s not in love with me" comment, especially when it's been over the course of a couple of years, than not being the centre of his universe (which I find a slightly over dramatic concept).

CaptSkippy · 13/05/2019 15:58

I am wondering if what context these comments are made.
Why does he feel the need to qualify the "I love you" at all. That's a sentence which doesn't need a "but".
And why does he even need to say you're not the center of his universe. Whether it's true or not, why say it out loud?

Namestheyareachangin · 13/05/2019 15:58

I think it is actually extremely rare for a man not to be the centre of his own universe. They would find it bizarre for it to be otherwise.

It's hard for us to imagine because focus on ourselves is so relentlessly stamped out of girls, we are trained from the very start to think of others first, prioritise others, over and above ourselves. Boys and men have an entirely different socialisation. And then of course a lot of women have children, which for most women pushes us squarely out of the middle of our own lives for the forseeable future.

Not so men; wife, children etc - there may be attraction, affection, there may even be love, but not what we would recognise as love. By and large, to most conventionally socialised men, everything and everyone they encounter are just props in the great play of themselves.

He's not even pretending any more though OP - and I think you know there's a lot more wrong here than his willingness to use a particular turn of phrase.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/05/2019 16:01

It's hard for us to imagine because focus on ourselves is so relentlessly stamped out of girls, we are trained from the very start to think of others first, prioritise others, over and above ourselves. Boys and men have an entirely different socialisation. And then of course a lot of women have children, which for most women pushes us squarely out of the middle of our own lives for the forseeable future.

That's so true.

Ellisandra · 13/05/2019 16:03

Centre of your universe?

Hallmark bullocks.

What do you actually mean by that?

I would, when it matters, but my children above my own welfare. Extreme stuff - if I didn’t have enough food, I would go hungry for my child.

For my husband? No. I’d split the final remaining food equally between us.

I think you’d be better off not focusing on a statement that is dramatic and meaningless, and actually look at his behaviour. I’d leave someone for not being in love with me, before I wasted my time wondering what being the centre of someone’s universe meant.

cuppycakey · 13/05/2019 16:16

You should be the centre of your own universe, surely? Confused

DC have always been my number one priority, way above any bloke, married or otherwise.

DC
DDog
DCat
DP

You may be amazed to hear I am currently single Grin

Seriously OP - what are the other issues in your relationship?

IWriteCode · 13/05/2019 16:20

I actually would not want to be the centre of DH's universe, sounds a bit...intense.

Having said that, I once got the "he’s told me he loves me but he’s not in love with me" from a boyfriend who was by then cheating on me.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/05/2019 16:24

Semantics aside - he's more or less telling you that he's putting up with you as things aren't great but they're not incredibly bad either. Love but not in-love.

The question is; do you both want to work on your marriage or are you happy to rub along nicely till the resentments causes an irreparable rift?

BossAssBitch · 13/05/2019 16:25

Your DH sounds cruel, OP. According to many who have commented on this thread, their DH's aren't they centre of their world, but is there any need to actually point this out to you? He has already told you he isn't 'in love' with you. It all sounds rather harsh and unnecessary, why use such unfeeling language towards you Hmm

My DH is the centre of my universe and I am his. We dote on each other. We both have friends and other important relationships but yes, we are each other's world. In my opinion, that is what a marriage should be. Easy for me to say this but I think I would be too hurt to continue our relationship if he told me he wasn't 'in love' with me. How painful for you Flowers