To expect STBXH to buy

[Thelonewolf]

Properly fitting school shoes for the children!
My eldest son needed new school shoes as he’d worn his out, I feel very strongly that school shoes should be fitted by a qualified shoe fitter and he’s known this for years DS1 is 8! As it was his weekend I asked if he could pick some up as he needed replacements ASAP!
However he bought them off the shelf- I’ve checked the shoes I feel they don’t fit properly- he has wide feet and high insteps.
I expressed my disappointment as he knows it’s something I feel very strongly about and he’s thrown his teddies out of the pram. “How dare I force my parenting style on him?” and is now refusing to communicate at all!

Involved yes, competent debatable!

wrong thread!

I totally agree about properly fitted, appropriately supportive shoes for children. There is quite a lot of evidence that poorly fitting shoes can cause longer term problems in biomechanics for children as they grow- or so i was told by both a podiatrist and a colleague who specialises in paediatric orthopaedics. As a Dr I can appreciate the physiological/anatomical reasons for this. Poorly fitting shoes will, obviously, be more of a problem for /have a more significant impact on some children than others- but most would benefit from well fitted and supportive shoes.

I accept that cheaper off the shelf shoes are all some parents can afford. if that’s the case then you have to make the best of it and there will probably be bigger issues to worry about.

Your STBXH is probably just annoyed at being asked to do something and being told he didn’t do it correctly. In future ask him for the money and do it yourself as you know he won’t get properly fitted shoes- either because he doesn’t want to pay the extra cost or couldn’t be bothered with the extra time it takes to get them fitted or perhaps both. I imagine he won’t now on point of principle.

Thank you @jacks11! The point I was struggling to make!
Irrespective of cost, shoes need to fit correctly! The most expensive pair will be damaging if they don’t, the cheapest are perfectly fine if they do.
STBXH said he would get DS1 measured and fitted because of the above reasons, for whatever reason he didn’t, despite being happy to do so for the past 8 years, and the shoes he did buy don’t fit. DS1 desperately wants them to because he likes them but they are too narrow for him and will rub his feet!
I wasn’t looking for an argument, I just wanted my son to have shoes that fit him properly. And not be shouted at when I ask if he got DS1s shoes fitted because they are too narrow!

I feel like a lot of people on this thread are just reverse snobs who don’t buy properly fitted children’s shoes.
Shoes aside, your ex was presumably either trying to win your DS’s favour with brand name shoes or teach you a lesson for asking him to do a boring parenting task.

I have got to laugh at the comments about Clarks. My ds and DD both have H fit very wide feet. On the last visit to Clarks DD was measured at a 13 h+. Was advised to buy size 2 g. "Just go up a size and down a width fitting." They were like boats.

A properly diagnosed narcissist,or a mumsnet diagnosed narcissist?

Post of the Century.

My mother always bought us "properly-fitted shoes" and I started off with the same intentions when I had my own four DC.

I think it was after going to two branches of Clark's one day in search of shoes that DD would deign to wear, and being told in the second shop (by the qualified staff) that her size was different from the size the qualified staff in the first shop told me, that I gave up and bought her shoes in Tesco's.

Saved me a fortune over the years. Oh, and despite having Clark's shoes myself as a child, I have awful, painful feet now that I'm a big girl.

I actually think you are wrong here, it is something that YOU feel strongly about and not him, there fore it would have been a wise choice for you to take the kids to get shoes yourself and to ask him to buy something else they needed that you didn't have such strong opinions on.

Seeing as your child hasn't complained about the shoes I imagine they are perfectly adequate for the interim until you get a chance to buy the shoes that you think are needed.

50/50? Is it actually 50/50 because going by your posts it sounds like it's only 50/50 outside of working hours? And you've been covering all childcare costs? The reason 50/50 = no maintenance is because BOTH parents are meant to be sharing ALL the costs pertaining to the children.

On the footwear issue, Clarkes "gold standard" 😂😂😂😂😂

I have memories of my parents falling for that crap and being persuaded to buy the more expensive option EVERY time even if me or my siblings were TELLING them the shoes concerned hurt our feet. All 3 of us have had problems with our feet likely down to poorly fitting footwear in childhood! And as dad was army that wasn't just one Clarkes shop either! Dd has had "off the shelf" all her life with me checking the fit and checking with her how they felt, she has a physical disability which makes her probe to foot issues and wearing shoes out faster in a particular way, which pre dx I did go to smaller independent "expert" shoe shops for "properly fitted" shoes - made no difference whatsoever except the massive dent in my budget! After dx and with my own foot issues we've had a lot of contact with podiatrists and orthopaedists - I raised Clarkes with 2 podiatrists and their instant reaction was to eye roll! One said she should send them a letter of gratitude for all the business they've sent her! (She also mentioned the tapered toe thing)

They also said traditional "school shoes" are the WORST for developing young feet.

We were told for dd that really she needed to predominantly be wearing good quality trainers, with a cushioned sole and that laced up high and securely and with a supportive back on them. This was also because she needed orthotic insoles to be worn as she kept dislocating her knees and hips.

The bloody school wouldn't accept this until dds specialist wrote a letter specifically stating this as a medical instruction! Why schools are so averse to trainers I don't know!

Op you don't get to tell him how to parent even if your beliefs were correct. There are millions of kids wearing "off the shelf" shoes with no problems at all.

You do need to learn post divorce/separation to pick your battles, frankly it sounds like he's pulled the wool over your eyes re the finances generally which you need to look into.

"Why post on AIBU is you're not open to the fact you may be BU?" New to mn? It happens ALLLL the time

Op : Aibu?

Mn : yes yabu

Op : no I'm not! Cos a b c (which are a load of nonsense)

Mn : YES you are a b and c are irrelevant

Op : what would you lot know! (Usually flounce at this point)

"It’s been blown way out of proportion!" Yep BY YOU

Clarkes employees - are you still working there? What was the commissions and bonus structure?

Point being NO salesperson who works on a commission or bonus mentality can be trusted. It creates a very clear bias toward selling the higher priced/higher promoted product every time.

Honestly I don’t get the obsession with buying shoes from Clark’s or independent shoe shops. Is this really worth falling out with your ex over? If the kids notice the bad feeling between the two of you, it’s surely going to upset them. Some things just aren’t worth a fight, the fact that your son has shoes for school, and isn’t complaining that they hurt or are too small, seems enough to me.

If you son's feet are so special and important

All children's feet are special and important.

OP, YANBU but then I have quite a lot family who worked in very senior roles in children's shoes including designing them and understanding bone and foot development, as well as some who worked as directors and also sales assistants for independent shoe shops. Funnily enough it's not a "thing" in my family, just a coincidence but on both my parents sides. They always had us in properly fitting shoes and I with my children. I also don't use Clarks who in my experience do not fit children's shoes well enough - have tried around at least 10 branches and all have tried giving shoes that don't fit or if they did they fell apart within a few weeks.

I am quite saddened to read that the view of getting children properly fitted shoes is so outdated. It's so incredibly important. Some people will be fine of course but I understand why you don't want to take that risk. Especially those people who have never had their children's feet measured or fitted at all, could easily just be building up difficulties for the future, something that happened to my husband who hates his feet.

It certainly doesn't make you unreasonable OP. What I find baffling is that a lot of the replies here seem to be more directed at you for wanting your DS to have properly fitted shoes, as opposed to asking your ex get some on his weekend and not buying the "right" ones. You now know that he won't buy properly fitted shoes so don't ask him again. It's not worth it. If you have the children 50/50 then it's fair you both contribute and why shouldn't he do some of these things on his time, just as you do, but perhaps he can contribute to other things. Asking him to buy shoes was not unreasonable. He knew your opinions and you thought he shared them. I'm sure if he'd told you that his views had changed, that he never agreed in the first place or that he didn't have time to get them fitted that you would have said not to bother and you'd get some next time. Sounds to me like he was trying to annoy you.

Tricky one. There's been a massive drip feed with ex is a narcissist, maintenance, 50/50 split so you've done yourself no favours there OP.

Maybe with it being summer term he just thought to buy a cheaper pair. Or you could have bought them yourself. They hardly go from being wearable to unbearable in a day

I'm sorry, shoes don't just need replacing. If you were that fuss, why didn't you get the shoes? I think it boils down to money. You didn't want to spend the maintenance money on expensive shoes, you thought you would get your ex to buy them, and when they didn't they are a narcissist because they didn't follow the orders you barked at them. Mind boggling.

Or alternatively ex cocked it up on purpose so he never gets asked again.

I can only imagine how far you would "throw teddies" if he criticised your decisions.

Let it go.

Unbelievable fuss over shoes. And you use way too many exclamation marks. YABU

Some of the worse shoes in both quality and fit are the ones i had fitted

Mine have to get past physio too.

Ive had everything from supermarket shoes pass muster. But now the only school shoes i will buy are proper kickers kick hi. Because absolutely nothing beats them and they take orthopaedic insoles which most kids would benefit from. I fit them myself.

This really isn't worth the fuss you are making. If you are unhappy with the shoe buy them yourself

If you feel so strongly about it - you buy the shoes.

@Graphista
Clarkes employees - are you still working there? What was the commissions and bonus structure?

Point being NO salesperson who works on a commission or bonus mentality can be trusted. It creates a very clear bias toward selling the higher priced/higher promoted product every time.

The assistants in Clarks store I use certainly aren't all about the commission.. once they even refused a fitting because my son was asleep. I always buy 2 or 3 pairs of shoes every time I purchase from there, so usually spend in excess of £100 a time. But she wasn't about to sell me shoes that she didn't know for sure would fit properly.

despite being happy to do so for the past 8 years
Would that be the past 8 years he was with you (and just agreeing with you to keep you happy)? And now he is single he is free to express his own opinion (with no regards to your personal idiosyncrasies)?

God, what a mountain out of a molehill.

Unclench.

The father can parent how he chooses. Just as you can. You don’t get to control everything.

My DSD’s shoes purchased by the mother from River Island were badly rubbing DSD after a day. My OH (her dad) took her into Clarke’s - had her measured and fitted and bought his daughter a new pair of shoes. On returning home, my OH received a barrage of abuse - ‘how dare he’ buy her shoes. It seems dads can’t win.

YABU. He has bought shoes. You want different ones, buy them yourself. A lot of people would kill for an ex that just buys them and in a reasonable time frame.

Yes new to mumsnet, didn’t expect to crucified on here about my opinion on shoes lol